SO, just in case you're not much of a reader, or want to make sure I'm sticking to my word about talking about "the incident" that happened LAST time I posted, here's a list of the bigger, more robust points of this month:
- I'm typing this in my hideous bridesmaid's dress.
- Zach and I are on some very special speaking terms.
- I chose between letting Nicholas stay or making him go.
- I have a creep stalker who should hate me, but loves me.
- Several strange situations. (nothing new here...)
- I have two very pretty new 'accessories.'
- I've finally unwrapped my gifts.
And, alright, I know that for some of those, I was more than vague. But do you really expect to get a story out of me in less than a hundred bullets? I don't think so.
Anyway, wow, it's been a while. I actually had to check to see where I'd left off; what I'd done last. Kind of shocking, moving on...
Nick was at my house, following me around, etc., and everyone got reaquainted with him (ex-fiancees are never something anyone wants to mess around with, especially if both of you happen to be dead) and Zach was both sick and hating me for having him show up, like it was under any of MY control, at my eighty-first birthday party.
That night, I sat out on the porch swing and hoped he would come back.
The next four nights, I sat out on the porch swing and hoped he would come back.
On the sixth night, Edward came outside, sitting with me silently. He watched the stars, like he was actually out there for that sole purpose, rocking back and forth. Eventually, he sighed (dramatic, really, since we don't need to).
"Look, I know you'll choose the right things to do, and I understand that you're hurting and everything-"
"You are too."
He winced. "Yeah. One word - purple. But I just wanted to give you this."
He pulled a gift-wrapped box from beside him and handed it to me. I smiled at him, and looked guilty. He'd tried to bring a little life and happiness back, and it had totally gotten out of control. "Thanks, Ed."
"Happy late Birthday," He said, smiling, and then left without waiting for me to open it.
So when I did, I was left alone to cry.
In the package lay a picture of my family - every one of them - with a note written not in Edward's handwriting, but in my own blood-related brother's.
"Dear Clara,
Today, the entire community attended the memorium for a girl who died long ago, in a big town with a big reputation for those kind of things. Her name and the way people talked about her resembled very much my sister, but I know in my heart that my sister isn't dead.
Clara, I've lived years and years, hoping that maybe you're looking in on me, watching me and my grandchildren, my children, all going on about our lives, while though you're not here, your own life is going on somewhere else. I don't believe you to be dead in any sense; you're not the kind to get kidnapped and murdered.
I'm getting very old, and I know that you will know the names and faces of both yours and mine family, but in case something ever happens to me, or if when I die, you are somehow forgotten by them, I want you to have this picture - it's the rest of your heart all on a sheet of expensive parchment for you to keep eternally.
You will forever be my angel, dead or alive. You're my only sister, and I love you always.
Happy birthdays, Merry Christmases, and many, many apologies for not being there when you may need me.
I hope that Edward, the Earth-Angel you talked constantly about, is with you somewhere, making sure that you're safe.
Your Brother,
Cole Laylan"
The five members of my forever-lost family laughed up at me like nothing could ever be wrong in the world. Only Cole, knowing exactly what he was going to do with his copy of the picture, looked slightly serious; secure and wondering.
I didn't let go of the photo or the letter all night.
The next morning, I went up to Edward's room (after making sure Bella wasn't there - I don't know what it is about her, but it hurts so much to even TALK around her - and it's not my hurt). Knocking on the door three times, I heard a quiet 'come in'.
"Thank you."
He smiled. "I was actually worried you'd hate me for getting you that. It was at Cole's house, and I wanted to see if he'd left anything for you before he passed on so that no one else would think you were... ah... in the ground, per say, and throw it away."
"I couldn't be mad if I tried. This is too amazing of a gift, Edward. you don't know how much this means to me." I whispered.
"It's still not what you need, though."
I looked up at him in alarm.
"Go find Zach, Clara. Don't throw yourself through hell and try and keep it from everyone. I don't need to see inside your head to know that you love him."
I was horrified. "Oh, GOD! Why do you have to be the one to say these things!?"
He grinned. "Because I know how it goes. Anyway, try to reason with him. He's hurt more than you are right now, believe it or not, and doesn't understand much at the moment."
"He's being stubborn. He won't talk to me."
"Have you tried? He's a man, Clare, and he loves-"
"STOP USING THAT WORD ABOUT ME."
Edward burst into uproarish laughter. "It's just a word!"
"It hasn't ever... Oh, hell, I don't want to explain this."
I left then, Edward still laughing loud enough to hear from outside.
Alice and Rosalie wished me well (thanks a lot, Alice), and before I was even really thinking, I found myself down in LaPush, face to face with Sam.
"I know that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me, but can I please talk to Zach?"
Sam smiled down at me kindly. I don't think I've ever felt so short in my life. "That would be amazing, but... There's one slight problem; he's not here."
"What?" I was appalled. He'd run away from me, both here and at my home! WUSS, my head screamed, but I knew, for sure, that he had a reason that didn't involve anything having to do with being scared to confront me; my heart knew that one.
"He's not here; he left a couple nights back, looking kind of sleepless, and told us that he'd be back eventually, and not to look for him."
That sounded so familiar, and it didn't take long for me to peice that together with the close-to-exact same thing I'd done after Annora first saw the purple eyes and I was chasing away the pain.
...He went to the forest.
"Thanks, Sam!" I shouted behind me, running towards the woods. The clouds ahead rumbled fiercely, and several small droplets hit my nose, though I was running fast enough to miss most of them. He'd gone where I'd go, I would've bet anything in the world.
The rain started heaviest as I reached the beginning of the forest, looking quickly, smelling for him. I followed his trail to the clearing, and from there, I could see his shadow across the way.
Unfortunately, he could also see mine through the buckets of rain falling from the sky, dousing both of us.
"Go away," He said in a normal, if not more sad than usual, voice. "No one wants you here, Clara."
"Zach, I can explain, because, without trying to be cliche, that really wasn't what it looked like."
"It doesn't matter. You've told me you couldn't think of me any other way than as a friend, but what if, Clara? What if I wanted to be more than your friend?"
I was getting desperate, and the water was bugging me. I'd gotten my leather jacket on before I'd left the house, but the rain couldn't be repelled. "Maybe I wanted you to be more, too! Maybe I was just stupid enough to tell myself love was for the living!"
He sighed. "It doesn't matter," he repeated. "Especially not when you're only saying this to get me out of here." He laughed darkly. "WHY DON'T YOU BE A REL FRIEND FOR ONCE?" He yelled, as if I was actually human enough to not hear him. "LEAVE ME OUT HERE TO FIGURE ALL OF THIS OUT."
"BECAUSE, DAMMIT, I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND." I yelled angrily, instantly regretting it.
There was a minute of silence, the rain pounding on the mud and grass between us.
"You're not my friend." Zach repeated morosely.
"I can't be," I reasoned. "I love you too much."
The shadow lifted his hands up to his head. "Clara..."
"And look, okay?" I said, a desperate plea to my voice. "Nick was my finacee, and I'll admit that, but when he reoffered, I refused. The look on your face assured me that you meant everything you'd ever said to me, and I can't trade that for someone that I may not even know anymore! Nick is still my friend, and he's going to stay in Forks, but I swear, Zach, that's all he is!
"GOD!" I exclaimed at myself, and slid down the base of the tree I was by into the mud, putting my eyes in my sleeves, my fists in my hair.
There was silence, but it was okay. I was done. I'd said what I was there to say, and that was all I could really do.
"Do you really mean that?" Zach said quietly, and I lifted up my face. He was there, jacket, jeans, and all, not looking at me. His eyes were red, matching his cheeks, and his arms were limp at his side.
I'd never seen him look that depressed.
"Yeah, I really do," I said standing up. "And I am so, so sorry for treating you like something disposable."
He smiled weakly. "Maybe you should've. I was pretty cheesey there for a while."
"Months ago. We were both stupid, then?"
He laughed thoughtfully, meeting my eye. "Okay; we were both stupid. But... Can I please ask you something, and if it's too soon, okay, and if I'm being forward or back to the stupid thing, that's fine, but..." He paused, "...Would it be okay if I kissed you?"
I stood up on my toes, every part of me wet and caked in mud, and wrapped my arms around him as he kissed me.
I loved him. Plain and simple. And it had taken a freaking nuclear pitfall to make me realize that.
...Suffice to say, Alice was estatic. Edward was even grinning like an idiot, but really and truly, Alice still stole the cake: "OH, I WANT TO PLAN YOUR WEDDING, TOO, OKAY?"
It scared Zach and I both, but she assured us she really couldn't see that far into the future.
We went up to my room, where we both instantly collapsed on the bed in all of our muddy glory and made love like we were on our honeymoon.
...Just kidding, Edward.
Actually, as we lay there on the bed, both of us staring up at the ceiling like old times, Zach swore and started digging around in his jacket.
"Inconvieniences..." he mumbled, and I propped myself up on my elbow.
"You really don't have to do a self-frisk to come to our house, you know. We have deadlier things than glass bottles over 3 ounces full of liquid."
He shook his head. "No, it's just... FOUND IT!"
He held up the same, small, gift-wrapped box he'd had at the party only a week before. "I'd forgotten about it."
"Me, too, actually. But you really don't have to give me anything, Zach. I've been a personal hellraiser lately, and really, you're the only present I need." I wrapped my arms around him and lay my head on his arm.
He objected. "No, this is your birthday gift and I want you to have it anyway."
I sighed. "Boys."
He laughed. "Vampire girls who can't accept gifts."
With one of his hands holding it, I used my right hand to tear away the paper.
I looked at the velvety box, horrified and scared. "Zach, really, you're only seventeen, and I can't..."
"I'm not giving you an engagement ring." He said calmly, fighting back laughter. "I swear."
"A purity ring? Earrings?"
"No, and no."
I groaned and opened up the box.
I gasped.
Inside lay a gold ring with three oval sapphires mounted in it, framed by two tiny diamonds on each side.
"Oh, wow..."
"It was my mother's," Zach explained hastily. "It seems kind of weird for a gift, but you're there for me more than anyone else I know... Well, except Sam, and I don't think he'd take the idea of a ring very nicely."
I laughed, close to crying. "Zach, this is beautiful, and I... Well, you made so I can't refuse it, and... I'm honored."
"Good." He said, slipping it onto my pinky. "Someone needs to be."
That night was perfect. He fell asleep by my side, and I fell off into some kind of reverie, thinking about everything that had happened in the last week.
Three days later, I came home from school with Carlisle, who had been forced to check me out of a hospital.
"I can't believe this!" I exclaimed, staring at the palm of my hand.
"I can't, either. I've never heard of anything like this before."
Zach sat in the back of the car with me, holding said palm, tracing the edge of a peice of glass that was lodged in my hand. It ran from where my fingers bagan to the point right above my wrist, and though it caused a stinging sensation to move my hand back and forth, it was almost worth it the way Zach kept running his finger over it, onto my fingers, and back again.
"I thought we were indestructable!" I argued with no one.
"I thought so, too." Both Zach and Carlisle supplied. "But getting that thick of a peice of glass stuck that side up in your hand... Something must have happened." Carlisle finished.
"The beaker exploded in the Chem class we were in," I explained again, still hyped. "And one of the peices was coming towards my head, so I stuck my hand up there to block it!"
"Okay, you're right, something happened. But something with the glass or your anatomy or... something." he responded.
"It didn't bleed or anything." Zach noted, not taking his attention off of the shard. "It was just... There."
"Right. And it hurt, and I yelled a horrible cuss word, and I got sent to the hospital where you," I motioned at Carlisle to the rearview mirror, "found me, screaming at them not to look at it."
He smiled. "They thought you just didn't want to be touched."
"That was one of the reasons." I said sourly, leaning up against Zach. "But at least you were working today."
"And at least you had super-humanly strength."
I snorted as the car pulled up to the house, Zach helping me out as if I was really an invalid.
"Hey, what's this?"
There was a package on our porch, with the word "CLARA" written in thick, black sharpie.
"It wasn't me, I swear." Zach said for my sanity.
"Whatever it is, I can wait until I'm inside. No difference." I said, picking it up and opening the door.
Zach shook his head at me playfully, and lifted me up over his shoulder.
"What are you - AH, OH MY GOD, ZACH, PUT ME DOWN."
Edward met us halfway up the stairs, laughing at my situation.
"NOT FUNNY." I yelled as Zach continuted up. "If I didn't love you, I would KILL YOU right now, Zach!"
When we reached my room, he threw me on the bed and jumped on after me. "Alright! What is it?"
"Oh, okay, it says my name on it, and you want to see what it is more than I do. Would you like to open it?"
He raised an eyebrow.
"FINE, okay, I'll do it."
I ran a fingernail between the flaps, breaking the tape, and pulled the peices aside.
"Very cool." Zach said. "Foam peanuts."
I sighed, pulling back the peanuts. "What the...?"
Zach started gagging, and had to get out of the room as it moved. I was almost mesmerized, the smell of it making my head spin in the first place, and yet completely mortified.
It was a human heart. Fresh, and barely moving.
"Clara, my love," the note inside, covered with blood, read. "Don't be fooled by the one you have now; I know what can make your dead heart beat."
I felt like throwing up.
"Love eternally, Alec."
Everything was a blur for a while after that. Edward racing up to my room, disposing of the thing, Carlisle trying to calm me down, Zach having to go home, apologizing profusely; it all kind of melded together. All I could think of was that someone had died that night so that I could have some demented form of gift.
FOR TWO WEEKS, nothing else happened. No unusual occurences; the glass is forever jammed in my hand, and though it hurts, shouldn't cause too many problems. Zach and I were finally happy, and Annora and Ryan... Well, we didn't bother them to much, to their utter disbelief.
But, as usual, nothing could stay good forever.
Meet exhibit A: The Bridesmaid Dress. Except imagine it in a nice... RED.
"You look gorgeous!" Alice squealed, hugging me.
I frowned. "Alice, dear, um, what color is my hair?"
"Red...?"
"Right, and what color is this dress?"
"Red."
"Uh-huh. And what color is my skin?"
"White?"
"EXACTLY. I LOOK LIKE I'M ON FIRE."
Alice laughed, and I could see Zach leaning up against the wall, fighting back laughter of his own. "No, you don't!"
"Yes. I do. I'm all RED."
...But you know Alice (and if you don't, go back and read all previous posts). So I'm stuck here, sitting in my chair, ranting on my laptop in my hellbent dress, waiting for Annora to get home and dressed up.
...All in all, it's been pretty okay as far as life goes around here.
I'm just kind of scared for the whole heart thing.
Not-so-invincible anymore,
Clara
