Epitome of Lost.

“Clara?” A familiar, deep voice asked, sounding happily surprised.

“Zach?” I asked, stunned by the person next in line to me.

It had been ten years since I’d seen him, and the little curious smile he gave me made me remember why I’d loved him...

“Wow… You kept your promise; you haven’t changed.” He said bitterly.

…And why I’d had to let him go.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know. You look amazing.”

And he did; so much that it hurt. He would be almost thirty by now, and he had that look of someone who was living regularly, loving life to the fullest.

“Look, about the wedding…”

“I didn’t get married.” I interrupted, a little too quickly, and he smiled wistfully.

“I know… But… I did.”

Only then did I notice the little girl who was holding tightly onto one of his fingers, looking about four-years-old, with curly, blond hair and wide, blue and gold-flecked eyes that stared up at me intently. She looked exactly like him minus the rolls of baby fat and the fingers tucked inside of her mouth, in a frilly sleeveless shirt and tiny jean shorts, with white buckled sandals on her chubby feet.

“Oh.” I said, fighting the urge to fall over.

“But I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you… Or send you an invitation or anything.”

“Um, no, no, it’s okay. I mean, it’s your wedding.”

He smiled down at the girl, still addressing me. “Her name’s Emilie Clare…”

I couldn’t speak.

“I didn’t forget you, you know.” He said quietly. "Even after you left and I married Karmen…”

“You married Karmen?” I choked.

He looked puzzled. “Well… Yes…”

“Karmen… As in the one who used to hang around with Sam? Karmen; Jacob’s step-sister?”

“Yeah, Clara, the one and only.”

“Oh, my God.” I said, breathless.

The little girl’s eyes grew even wider.

“Ah…” Zach hesitated. “Maybe we should go see mommy, sweetheart.”

She nodded and he looked around for her as the bile crept into my mouth. Sweetheart.

“Um, so, what else is… new?” I asked, for a lack of better words.

He smiled back at me quickly. “Karmen’s expecting twins in a couple months, so we’ve been extremely busy getting the house ready and…” he sighed. “I have no idea where she is. So… How has the family been?”

I ran my fingers over my face. “I really don’t know anymore. I’m the only one who lives here now, since Ed and Bella moved away, Esme and Carlisle are in Alaska for the next hundred years, Annora and Ryan got married two years back, and Rose and Emmett are on a temporary split, both of them vacationing in Italy, dealing with business for a while, being forgotten by Forks.”

The news shocked me more than him.

He nodded for a minute, and I almost didn’t catch the nauseated expression on his face as he remarked on the next subject: “Look, I know it’s kind of abrupt, but I want to make sure you’re doing okay… You know, with the funeral and everything.”

“I’m fine, Zach… What funeral?”

“Abeline’s funeral…” He said, concernedly.

I just shrugged and shook my head. Figuring out that I didn’t know what he was talking about, he took a tentative step towards me, raw pain in his eyes.

“Abeline, Clara. Our three-month-old daughter.”


I was screaming when I woke up, clutching at blankets and pillows wildly like the kind of monster I was. I didn't need to breathe, and yet I was close to hyperventilation.

I'd never felt anything like this before - the pure panic.

Everyone but Annora was there -- Rosalie had gotten in the night before last, toting Emmett around with her and refusing to let anyone steal him away for a moment, while Jasper and Alice had been in a Monopoly championship for the last three days, fighting it out on Train Depots and Boulevards. Edward had been without Bella the last few days, as Charlie had shipped her off to some kind of camp in the mountains, leaving him worrisome and reclusive at times, and both Carlisle and Esme hadn't really changed anything from the daily routine, save for the fact that Carlisle had made the Guinness Book of World Records for number of lives saved (he only told us, though --- No one else needed to know, and we didn't need the publicity). Annora was still on the run with Ryan - No one knew where they were.

Everything had been a little screwed up.

But now, I looked around, and everyone was staring at me with horrified expressions on their faces.

I took a deep breath. "What?"

"You... Aah..." Jasper started in, not really focusing on words.

"You fell asleep." Zach said, his voice pitched strangely.

I froze, tightening my grip on the sheets. "What?"

Carlisle, ever the calm one, looked reserved and almost studious. "You reached a state of sleep that, as far as I know, isn't supposed to be available to other vampires."

"And you had a dream..." Edward said, pained, looking at Zach. "You talked a little..."

My eyes went over to Zach, who stood there looking broken, his gaze down at my foot board.

"Oh, God..." I whispered.

"Yeah. It wasn't something that we'd all exactly like to thank you for." Rosalie said bitterly.

Emmett's hand slid across the banister and landed on top of hers quickly. "It's not her fault, Rose." he noted quietly.

She shook her head and walked away, leaving the room.

Emmett sighed. "Clare, we all know that it wasn't anything that might really happen... Hopefully. But Rosalie... She's so vulnerable right now." he said apologetically, and followed his wife out the door.

Carlisle nodded at the others. "Let's just leave her alone for a while."

Halfway out the door, Jasper stopped and looked back at the one person left beside my bed. "Are you coming?"

"No," Zach sighed. "Not right now."

Jasper nodded, Alice following him, whispering words of suspicion into his ear.

The door closed, and Zach's eyes met mine, and he just watched me for a while, wordless.

Eventually, he came around the bed and sat next to me wrapping his warm fingers around mine.

"Clara..."

And that's when the second worse thing that could possibly happen, happened:

I started crying.

Cold, almost frigid tears, racing down my cheek, along my nose, and into the corners of my mouth, where they gathered and then trickled down my chin, on the covers.

I gasped and stared at the wet spots.

Zach looked overwhelmed for a minute, and just as I thought he would run away, reached out and wrapped me in a hug, pressing my face against his shoulder harshly.

"Clara, I couldn't not love you..." he whispered.

I just cried. I couldn't agree with him, and reassure him that I knew, because I didn't. It seemed so plausible... Which could've just been part of the 'haven't dreamed in over seventy years' thing.

"It felt so real," I blubbed. "You and Karmen and Abeline and..."

"Who are they?" Zach interrupted, gently pushing me back, rubbing his thumbs along my tear-streaked cheeks, making me feel like a child. "What're you talking about?"

I struggled to gain my composure. "But... I thought I talked..."

"You did," He explained, still looking slightly hurt. "You kept saying 'you don't love me' and 'my fault' over and over, practically screaming... And you said that Rose and Emmett weren't together anymore..." He tried to smile. "It was slightly enough to scare me out of bed."

"Zach... Oh, my God." I leaned into him again, sobbing. "It was so bad. You and I... We'd been married..."

He cringed.

"...No! No, that's not the bad thing... It was just... We'd split up and you'd gotten remarried... To Karmen, and had a little girl... It was ten years since I'd seen you... Our daughter..."

I tried to get the words to connect, but they wouldn't. Zach held me tightly.

"What daughter, Clare?" he said softly.

I pulled back, my hands falling into my lap limply. "Her name... Her name was Abeline... And... She was three months old... And... And... She was dead. She'd died after I..." I choked on the pain. "After I left you... And it had killed us even more...your wedding... you didn't invite me..."

Zach was horrified. "I would... I would never." He sputtered, his motions helpless.

"You didn't!" I said, crying even more. "I'm the one who ended it, because I was so afraid of you dying."

Weakly, he rubbed his eyes, and then motioned towards me. I scooted over, almost blinded by the incredible amount of liquid gathered in my eyes, and he laid my head in his lap, cradling my head, running his fingers through my hair until I calmed down enough to relax.

Turning around, my face towards his grey eyes, I sighed. "I'm so sorry."

He nodded once, not breaking eye-contact, and was quiet for a moment, as if he wasn't sure about what his words would hold for him.

"Clara, there's always a possiblity that what you dreamed... That it could be something very real."

I flinched.

"But whatever the case," he continued, slowly and with delicacy, "I would rather love you and have you leave me... and lose a child, before I would try not to love you and pretend we never had anything between us."

I smiled through the shaking that had completely overtaken my body and leaned up on my elbows to kiss him, and then lay back down next to where he followed suit, exhaling. "Thank you."

His smile was wistful. "I would say anytime, but that would be expecting more of this, so... You're welcome."

We lay there for a few minutes, not doing anything. My mind wandered to the dream, and then to the latest revelation of strange that had happened in this family - I was both sleeping and crying. Two things that were unheard of in... Well, in vampires.

I hated that word. Vampire. It reminded me of the things I'd done when I was first new to everything; new to the world that came from a single bullet to the heart.

"Zach... I've murdered people... It was a long time ago, but I... I killed. In cold blood."

He was quiet for a minute, and then sighed. "I know. Edward happened to mention some such thing before I even met you. He said that it would keep me from getting to close unless I really wanted to, so that my feelings towards you, hate or love or anything in between, would be justified."

"Oh."

"But thanks for telling me, either way."

I nodded. Lying here beside him, it didn't seem like much was wrong in the world; like Annora hadn't run away, like I hadn't completely flipped out on the family, like the Volturri and the Purple Whatevers were after us all the time - It was like I was normal and in love with someone who loved me for who I was, no matter what was going to happen.

"I love you." Zach said, as if he'd heard my thoughts.

I smiled and he kissed me.

----

"Well, you're officially a freak." were the first words out of Alice's mouth as I went downstairs. I still didn't eat human food, thank God (Annora had only stocked up on ice cream before leaving), but I had fallen asleep again.

Thankfully, I hadn't dreamed.

"Actually, you may be more of a living proof of something that I've never seen before." Carlisle said curiously, looking at me from over a book.

"And that's supposed to mean...?"

Zach was still half-asleep, eating some of Annora's ice cream, but he looked at me, concerned, from across the table. I decided then and there that no vampire could look that beautiful - ever. With his messed up hair and tired eyes, he was an angel.

"I think you may have adopted some of the DNA from one of your, ah, meals before you came to us. The glass, for one, sinking into your hand..."

"That was some kind of freak accident; there was something in the glass or... or something."

"Or it could be diamond, and you're not as non-breakable as you thought." Edward said teasingly.

"Exactly," Carlisle confirmed. "Otherwise, it would've shattered on the landing in the first place. And then there was the dreaming, and from what I hear, you've cried?"

The look on my face was enough to prove him right.

"Basically, Clara, I think you're adopting some, if not all, of the human qualities that any wom..."

"Okay, okay, no need to go there. Bad memories. But seriously... their DNA is merging with mine? After so many years?"

"It's the only probable cause I can imagine."

...Which, in Carlisle speak, is usually right.


It's been a long day, and though I don't sleep as much as, say, Zach, I'm still exhausted most of the time, which is new... And weird.

So for now, I'm going to try and make Zach sleep. He seems really disturbed, which is pretty understandable.

Humanescely,
Clara.

(Ps - ANNORA, GET YOUR ASS HOME.)

Happy Birthday to You...

I’m going to be disowned, and I’ll deserve so much worse than that if they ever know the whole story. Oh, God, help me.

And today? Today’s my birthday.
My eightieth, in the real sense. As for my cover? I’m seventeen.

Five days ago, I was as close to okay as I was bound to get.

Wednesday didn’t start out any differently from any other day. It was basically just school without talking to anyone (including Zach, who’s actually able to get colds, I found out), and going home with Edward.
But it wasn’t like before.
Whereas Edward usually talks, or makes ME talk, he was completely quiet and ignored all of my dumb attempts at conversation. He didn’t look happy at all, and to tell the truth, if I was him and my girlfriend was constantly in danger from both clumsiness and/or vampiric death, I wouldn’t be happy to pick up my sister either. But when I brought that up, trying to get him to admit he was worrying, he just frowned deeply and shook his head, looking at me intensely with steely eyes.

You think I would’ve guessed that something going on, concerning me. But no. I’m not that bright.

For the rest of the week, Edward was always around me, refusing to talk and seeming furious, looking like more like an angry god than an angel. I caught him near me constantly, even in the middle of the night, when he’d come in, claiming to be looking for something, giving me a hateful look while he “searched.”

Finally, last night, I just locked him out of my room, end of story.

He was mad, and he made me promise to come down every two point five hours or he’d break the door in, but really, whatever got him off of my back was perfect for me.

And five minutes after I was perfectly sure that he was gone, I was back to listening to my music, finishing up an end-of-semester report for Zoology. I hated the class, because I was learning about all of my food and really had no intention of working with animals in the future.

It was like learning that your applesauce can actually cry for it’s counterparts or develop AIDS.

But then again, Annora had talked me into taking it, just because she was hoping that maybe it would increase my want to get off of a blood-diet, which unfortunately, is not going to happen anytime ever, and I wasn’t in a mood to disagree with her.

As I worked, I heard timy taps, like branches rubbing against my window. But seeing as how there were no trees around, it was obviously my favorite person in the world, coming to see me in the middle of the night, when he was supposed to be sleeping.

The sound would’ve gotten to Edward, who might as well have been sitting outside of my door, so I opened the window.

“Shhs, Zach! Two seconds!”

I got no response, but I reclosed the window just in time to hear Edward. “Clara, what’s going on?”

I groaned dramatically, and lied, since he was so exhausted and wasn’t trying to listen in on my thoughts. “I was figiting. But lighten up, Ed. Just because I’m playing pick-up with my pencils doesn’t mean someone’s coming to eat me.” I smiled. Zach was about the closest thing to dangerous I had at the moment, and though he probably actually could eat me, I kind of doubted it.

“Whatever. Just be careful.”

“I’m in my ROOM, with locked EVERYTHING.”

“Still... Just do it.”

I heard him sigh and leave, then went over to the window and reopened it. “Okay, you’re clear. But are you retarded?! Edward could hear that!” I whispered.

I heard him chuckle, and I smiled, going back to my paper.

I heard him climb through the window, and I started saving the document and printing a copy out. “Okay, so what are you doing in the middle of the...”

I turned around to face him, and my breath caught.

“Hey, Clarabelle.” Tender eyes looked at me forlornly, the whispering voice coming from pink lips seeming almost playful. “Happy Birthday.”

I stared at him for a minute, and then tried to throw up.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Clara. She believed that love could save her, and that the most innocent and pure love could be found in youth, which, don’t get her wrong, can. But with youth also comes stupidity, and with stupidity comes no space for big mistakes.
And unfortunately enough, Clara made a big mistake: She fell in love with the perfect guy.

All of the sudden, I was close to hyperventilating, and I didn’t even really have to breathe.

He stood there and smiled at me. “I’m not here to hurt you.”

I stared at him with wide eyes that wouldn’t seem to close. “You’re not here. You... You can’t be.”

“Okay, or maybe I am, if this is how you really feel towards me. So let me rephrase: I’m not here to purposely hurt you.” He said, sighing.

Nicholas was charming, sweet, and loved her unconditionally, and soon enough, in the last year of high school, he proposed. She, being the idiot that she was, said yes, and the date was set: December 18, 1944 --- Just under a month after she would turn seventeen. He, himself, was eighteen and a loner kid who had been overlooked by so many eyes who were looking for a “good” husband. That’s not to say that he wasn’t beautiful, though. With light grey eyes and hair so dark brown that it looked indescernable from the darkest black.

I couldn’t have gotten out of the office chair had I tried. All of my super vampiriky strength had completely left me.

But not in the literal sense. Oh, no. This guy could do more than that, and I knew it.

“So,” he said, still smiling softly, sitting down on my couch. “Who’s Zach?”

“You have to leave...” I whispered. “You... You’re not supposed to... I can’t... I’m...”

“Dead.” He sighed. “I know.”

But two months before the wedding, Clara disappeared without a note, sign, or any evidence at all. Alerts were issued and the police were called in, but finding nothing, called off soon. The boy was destitute and heartbroken, not eating or seeing anyone until they could find her.

They never did.

My breathing came in ragged gasps, like I was grasping for something normal and human to hold on to while this was happening. It was a dream; a nightmare that I’d lived over and over for years on end.

“How?” I choked out. “How did this happen? Why are you still...” It dawned on me, and I wretched again. “No. Oh, no. You’re not, and this can’t be!”

He took a shuddering breath, and I could almost taste his pain. It wasn’t anything that was physically killing him, but the emotional feel for the situation he’d just thrown himself in was insane. It was like suicide.

But, seeing as how he’d changed, pun intended, he wouldn’t be killed that easily.

“I knew what happened to you, but I wasn’t just going to walk up to you and say ‘hey, Clare, it’s still me, and it can still be like old times.’ You were beautiful and you were something that scared me even more than my own immortality.”

The memorial grew grey and cold, and was set to rest with a pointless headstone. Clara was the ghost who haunted every hall with her memory and who’s story inspired hundreds to not go out at night. She was a nightmare for everyone. And just outside Denali National Park, the one girl who she haunted consistantly, every waking moment of every waking day, lived.

I stood up, shaky still. “I can’t do this.” I gasped. “I need... I need Edward.”

The sad smile left his face in place of a lonely, knowing look as he nodded his consent. He’d never been one to run away.

“That’s okay, Clara. I understand. Just...” He hesitated, and I felt like I was going to explode. “Just remember, okay?” The sad smile was back, and if I wasn’t completely freaked out about seeing the eternally preserved eighteen-year-old in my room, I would’ve started crying and...

I don’t even want to think about it.

“So is this what your ability is?” I accused him. “Convincing people to see things how you did? Because we already have a person who can do that, and I don’t need any more of it.”

He frowned. “Abilities?”

A sob escaped, the tears dried up before I’d ever wanted to cry them, and his face grew dim.

“Clara...” He looked like he was fighting something, and then he came to where I now sat in a pile on the floor on my knees, and wrapped his arms around me. “Clara... Shhh... It’s okay swe-.... It’s... It’ll be okay. I’m so sorry....” he whispered.

It killed me for him to be doing this. Cold skin againist cold skin created something strange, and a feeling of uttermost misplacement. I was supposed to be warm; he was supposed to be warm. And by now, we were supposed to...

NO!

I pulled away. “I don’t... I can’t.”

He gave me a sideways smile. “I knew and know.”

“But... I need you to explain to me. I need you to tell me what happened and what’s going to happen. Where and how and why and what and everything that I couldn’t know because of a single bullet.” I was talking fast, and without really thinking, but he knew what I meant.

“I will.”

I looked at him, a feeling of dread and absolute terror spreading through me. “You promise me the truth?”

He nodded. “I promise you everything, as long as you swear to remember.”

I shook my head. “I can’t, Nicholas. I really can’t, as much as I’d lo... I’d like to.”

He ran a hand over his face, immune to blemish and perfect to the eye, and looked up at me gently. “Okay, Clare. But just... Try to.”

He helped me up, and opened the door to the hallway. I stood where I was, watching him carefully.

“Come on,” He coaxed. “The rest of the family probably knows already.”

I shuddered. I was dead. So, so, dead. And Nick? He was wrong. Incredibly wrong.

Because Edward hadn’t really suspected anything.

“SURPRISE!” Eight voices who happened to be holding a huge cake screamed at Nick as he stood in the doorway to the living room, stunned.

It took less than a second.

“Who the hell?!”

“CLARA!”

“What’s going on?!”

“There’s another one of you?!”

“Oh, no, not again...”

“I KNEW IT!”

There was a pause, and then: “Nice to see you again, Nicholas.” The room fell silent as Edward held Nick’s eyes. “It’s been a long time.”

He smiled. “Yeah, and now I’m back. And just like you guys. No harm, no foul, ri-...”

“HELL NO.” Emmett roared.

Edward smiled grimly. “He’s right.”

“BOTH OF YOU, STOP.” I yelled. “I’m so SICK of this happening every time someone comes over. We’re supposed to TRUST one another, remember?!”

Zach looked sick from across the table, where a box sat, wrapped in mangled paper. “What the hell, Clara?” He asked slowly. “Why?”

“Zach...” He shook his head and left without hesitating, his hurt worse than my own.

I swore loudly, and heard Emmett snort. “Do you even SEE this?! This isn’t family – This isn’t anything LIKE that!”

Annora looked on the whole sight pretty well, considering she didn’t know anything about what had happened. She hadn’t even been alive when the whole lot of us had gone to school together. Emmett looked completely disgusted, even though he was looking straight into his best friend’s eyes, and even Jasper, who hadn’t been involved with any outside relationships was burning in hate. Alice and Rosalie looked mildy irritated, but I knew and felt so much more.

“Nice, Clara.” Ryan commented, his arm around Annora.

I swallowed hard and swore again before going back upstairs. That had been it. I couldn’t take any more at all.

I locked my door and went into my closet and locked that one.

In one night, I’d manged to get older, reminisce, be completely afraid, love, chase away my best friend, and internally implode.

And among the snow and ice, she couldn’t forget who she really was, but she tried as hard as she possibly could. Nothing good could come of remembering.

Remembering love was one of those promises that I didn't want to go through again.

“Happy Birthday, Dear Clara...”

Once in a Lifetime...

...Means no second chance,
So I believe that you and me
Should grab it while we can...

I don't know why, but I'm sitting here on my bed, depressed. Edward knows, but I already told him off and I doubt he's coming back in sometime tonight.

Bear with me - I'm getting philosophical, here.

I was watching a movie last night with Alice, and it spurred this whole thought about second chances, and that once in a lifetime really does mean no second chances, which led me to the whole thought of Bella and the choice she was making about this whole vampire thing. I mean, I love her. I really do. We may not be as close as sisters or anything, but if losing her means losing Edward, I have to - I can't let him go.

So, remembering something about Rosalie's past, I went and talked to her. She agrees on the fact that being human is something that you can only do once, and for all of us, was something that we'd be dead without - something she wishes would've happened to her. Her whole point, I concluded from the talk, was that the things you can only do once in a lifetime become dull and pointless when you're alive eternally.

Anyways, Edward kind of overheard. And I'm pretty sure Annora would've, except that she was asleep, since she's different like that.

And now Ed's watching me 24/7, like it would make any difference. I don't plan to stop anything out of the ordinary, so Mr. Anthony-Masen Cullen, get over your bad self and quit invading my mind. It's driving me crazy! I'd almost rather go back up to Alaska, if that's what it takes!

But then again, Tanya also got on my last microscopic nerve.

Edward - Chill. Breathe. I love you. You're the only person in the world who's ever been close like a brother to me, even though we're not related at all by, hah, blood.

Ugh.
Hopefully, this excitement is over.

-Clara


Ps - Random fact: My middle name is Jezebel. As in the queen who was eaten by dogs in the bible. IRONY!