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My name is Clara Elizabeth Jezebel Hale. I am named after two of the most notorious Queens ever to have existed and a woman that used to be known as my caretaker. I have been loved, I have been hated, and I have been dragged through hell and back immeasurable amounts of times.

This time, I don’t think I’m coming back.

Carlisle hasn’t left my side. I think he’s worried that I’ll try to run off and kill myself like Edward did, but I’m not dramatic or silly. The only thing wrong with me right now is the boy lying in the hospital bed with a ring around his finger - my mother's promise ring, settled around his little finger, lying limp against the bed.

And as much as my life might rely on him, I have no plans to end it.

-

Zach woke up at 2:39 a.m. on April 30.

“Where’s Clara?” were the first words out of his mouth.

I screamed and cried and hugged him harder that I was told that I ought to. The entire family was there, and for once, by God, I thought that everything was going to be okay. Being a mind reader, Edward herded everyone out of the door only moments after they said hello, leaving the two of us alone.

“I love you,” I repeated over and over. “I love you, I love you, I love you, Oh God, I love you so much.”

He smiled back weakly, tears slowly running down his cheeks. “I love you more.”

I cried and cried. He was alive. He was alive and in my arms.

I crawled up in the hospital bed with him. He wrapped his arms around me as much as he could without ripping an IV as I gingerly tried not to break him while getting as close as inhumanly possible.

I would’ve talked to him about… Well, everything, really, but he was so tired from just the bare minimum of excitement that had been caused in the last hour and a half, that he told me he didn’t have much left in him, and all he really wanted to do…

“I just want to know you’re here.” He said simply.

I lay there, just as I had lain there so many other nights, but this one… I knew he was alive, and I knew that he was completely better, with no kind of strings attached. I knew that he was always going to be with me, and that finally, after two months of crying and aching, I had him back.

It had been worth it.

“What it was like…” I whispered a long while after, thinking he was asleep, as ran my fingers across his arm.

I watched my fingers as they ran across his sleeve.

A moment later, there was a choked whisper. “It was hell.”

I sat up slightly. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

He shook his head. “I wasn’t sleeping. I was thinking.” His voice was raspy from the nonuse of two months. “I can’t sleep while you’re here; I’ve been without you for too long.”

The tears, for once, were 'happy tears', something explained to me earlier by Alice, and I was grinning like an idiot. He was HERE. WITH ME. Finally.

"Hey, um, Clare?" He said, wincing as he adjusted himself away from me. "I don't mean to sound all blunt and whatnot, but I hurt and that's basically all I can be, so..." He paused, and I held my breath.

'It's over.' 'I can't see you anymore.' 'It was your fault I'm like this.'

All of those words got caught and tangled in my head as I struggled to keep smiling. Please don't let it be, please don't let it be... Oh, God, maybe he'd reconsidered because of the dream...

"Are you still in love with me? Enough to marry me?"

The air came back in a woosh. "YES! More than you could EVER know!" I said, a tiny bit overzealous and lacking the romance it was supposed to have.

He looked relieved and pulled me close. "Thank God."

I kissed his lips, and his hands, and his neck, and his cheeks. I had him back. It was unbelieveable.

"Thank you for your ring," he murmered into my forehead, his lips curving into a smile.

I swallowed, overjoyed that I could talk to him... Listen to him... Anything, as long as it was with him. “So... what were you thinking about? While you were... Well, not sleeping, I guess?”

"You mostly. And home… And….”

He stopped midsentence, a bewildered look on his face, and swallowed. “And…”

Under my hands, his heart rate quickened. The look on his face grew to panic.

“Zach?!” I put my hands on his face. His body rocketed with spasms of pain, racking through my entire body as well as his, his eyes rolling back in his head.

“CARLISLE!” I screamed.

And that was it. I passed out.

Zachary Creullen had a severe heart attack from internal injuries that hadn’t been completely healed at 4:34 a.m. on April 30.

Four days later, after nonstop surgeries and treatments and CAT scans, May 4, 2008 at 5:32 in the afternoon, he was pronounced brain dead.

Only machines are keeping him alive.

I can’t be anywhere near him for extended amounts of time because so many doctors are swarming him.

And as strange as it is to write it, I’m not in pain when I’m in his ICU room, and that hurts more than anything in the world.

I haven’t slept in five days, and couldn’t if I wanted to.

Edward comes in every day and holds me close, as if that would help. Emmett whispers prayers in broken Italian on my behalf, although he thinks I don’t hear them. Alice sits in during hours I’m supposed to be sleeping. Jasper tries to get me to talk. Rosalie showed up one day and begged me to come home. Esme is always hovering around, talking nonstop. Bella shows up every now and then, surprising since we don’t talk, and tells me stories about her own life.

None of it helps, but none of it has really hit me either.

Dhart left when they pronounced him brain dead, shaking and vomiting uncontrollably.

Everyone stares at me, all the time, like I'm supposed to die - cry, scream, hurt myself.

But heartache and the feeling of not knowing where your heart has gone anyway is some of the worst pain in the universe.

I don't know what's happening.

I think I might turn into a statue. A hard, cold, horrified statue.

I have no purpose anymore.

"How many vampires hearts sink when werewolves are killed?"...

Epitome of Lost.

“Clara?” A familiar, deep voice asked, sounding happily surprised.

“Zach?” I asked, stunned by the person next in line to me.

It had been ten years since I’d seen him, and the little curious smile he gave me made me remember why I’d loved him...

“Wow… You kept your promise; you haven’t changed.” He said bitterly.

…And why I’d had to let him go.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know. You look amazing.”

And he did; so much that it hurt. He would be almost thirty by now, and he had that look of someone who was living regularly, loving life to the fullest.

“Look, about the wedding…”

“I didn’t get married.” I interrupted, a little too quickly, and he smiled wistfully.

“I know… But… I did.”

Only then did I notice the little girl who was holding tightly onto one of his fingers, looking about four-years-old, with curly, blond hair and wide, blue and gold-flecked eyes that stared up at me intently. She looked exactly like him minus the rolls of baby fat and the fingers tucked inside of her mouth, in a frilly sleeveless shirt and tiny jean shorts, with white buckled sandals on her chubby feet.

“Oh.” I said, fighting the urge to fall over.

“But I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you… Or send you an invitation or anything.”

“Um, no, no, it’s okay. I mean, it’s your wedding.”

He smiled down at the girl, still addressing me. “Her name’s Emilie Clare…”

I couldn’t speak.

“I didn’t forget you, you know.” He said quietly. "Even after you left and I married Karmen…”

“You married Karmen?” I choked.

He looked puzzled. “Well… Yes…”

“Karmen… As in the one who used to hang around with Sam? Karmen; Jacob’s step-sister?”

“Yeah, Clara, the one and only.”

“Oh, my God.” I said, breathless.

The little girl’s eyes grew even wider.

“Ah…” Zach hesitated. “Maybe we should go see mommy, sweetheart.”

She nodded and he looked around for her as the bile crept into my mouth. Sweetheart.

“Um, so, what else is… new?” I asked, for a lack of better words.

He smiled back at me quickly. “Karmen’s expecting twins in a couple months, so we’ve been extremely busy getting the house ready and…” he sighed. “I have no idea where she is. So… How has the family been?”

I ran my fingers over my face. “I really don’t know anymore. I’m the only one who lives here now, since Ed and Bella moved away, Esme and Carlisle are in Alaska for the next hundred years, Annora and Ryan got married two years back, and Rose and Emmett are on a temporary split, both of them vacationing in Italy, dealing with business for a while, being forgotten by Forks.”

The news shocked me more than him.

He nodded for a minute, and I almost didn’t catch the nauseated expression on his face as he remarked on the next subject: “Look, I know it’s kind of abrupt, but I want to make sure you’re doing okay… You know, with the funeral and everything.”

“I’m fine, Zach… What funeral?”

“Abeline’s funeral…” He said, concernedly.

I just shrugged and shook my head. Figuring out that I didn’t know what he was talking about, he took a tentative step towards me, raw pain in his eyes.

“Abeline, Clara. Our three-month-old daughter.”


I was screaming when I woke up, clutching at blankets and pillows wildly like the kind of monster I was. I didn't need to breathe, and yet I was close to hyperventilation.

I'd never felt anything like this before - the pure panic.

Everyone but Annora was there -- Rosalie had gotten in the night before last, toting Emmett around with her and refusing to let anyone steal him away for a moment, while Jasper and Alice had been in a Monopoly championship for the last three days, fighting it out on Train Depots and Boulevards. Edward had been without Bella the last few days, as Charlie had shipped her off to some kind of camp in the mountains, leaving him worrisome and reclusive at times, and both Carlisle and Esme hadn't really changed anything from the daily routine, save for the fact that Carlisle had made the Guinness Book of World Records for number of lives saved (he only told us, though --- No one else needed to know, and we didn't need the publicity). Annora was still on the run with Ryan - No one knew where they were.

Everything had been a little screwed up.

But now, I looked around, and everyone was staring at me with horrified expressions on their faces.

I took a deep breath. "What?"

"You... Aah..." Jasper started in, not really focusing on words.

"You fell asleep." Zach said, his voice pitched strangely.

I froze, tightening my grip on the sheets. "What?"

Carlisle, ever the calm one, looked reserved and almost studious. "You reached a state of sleep that, as far as I know, isn't supposed to be available to other vampires."

"And you had a dream..." Edward said, pained, looking at Zach. "You talked a little..."

My eyes went over to Zach, who stood there looking broken, his gaze down at my foot board.

"Oh, God..." I whispered.

"Yeah. It wasn't something that we'd all exactly like to thank you for." Rosalie said bitterly.

Emmett's hand slid across the banister and landed on top of hers quickly. "It's not her fault, Rose." he noted quietly.

She shook her head and walked away, leaving the room.

Emmett sighed. "Clare, we all know that it wasn't anything that might really happen... Hopefully. But Rosalie... She's so vulnerable right now." he said apologetically, and followed his wife out the door.

Carlisle nodded at the others. "Let's just leave her alone for a while."

Halfway out the door, Jasper stopped and looked back at the one person left beside my bed. "Are you coming?"

"No," Zach sighed. "Not right now."

Jasper nodded, Alice following him, whispering words of suspicion into his ear.

The door closed, and Zach's eyes met mine, and he just watched me for a while, wordless.

Eventually, he came around the bed and sat next to me wrapping his warm fingers around mine.

"Clara..."

And that's when the second worse thing that could possibly happen, happened:

I started crying.

Cold, almost frigid tears, racing down my cheek, along my nose, and into the corners of my mouth, where they gathered and then trickled down my chin, on the covers.

I gasped and stared at the wet spots.

Zach looked overwhelmed for a minute, and just as I thought he would run away, reached out and wrapped me in a hug, pressing my face against his shoulder harshly.

"Clara, I couldn't not love you..." he whispered.

I just cried. I couldn't agree with him, and reassure him that I knew, because I didn't. It seemed so plausible... Which could've just been part of the 'haven't dreamed in over seventy years' thing.

"It felt so real," I blubbed. "You and Karmen and Abeline and..."

"Who are they?" Zach interrupted, gently pushing me back, rubbing his thumbs along my tear-streaked cheeks, making me feel like a child. "What're you talking about?"

I struggled to gain my composure. "But... I thought I talked..."

"You did," He explained, still looking slightly hurt. "You kept saying 'you don't love me' and 'my fault' over and over, practically screaming... And you said that Rose and Emmett weren't together anymore..." He tried to smile. "It was slightly enough to scare me out of bed."

"Zach... Oh, my God." I leaned into him again, sobbing. "It was so bad. You and I... We'd been married..."

He cringed.

"...No! No, that's not the bad thing... It was just... We'd split up and you'd gotten remarried... To Karmen, and had a little girl... It was ten years since I'd seen you... Our daughter..."

I tried to get the words to connect, but they wouldn't. Zach held me tightly.

"What daughter, Clare?" he said softly.

I pulled back, my hands falling into my lap limply. "Her name... Her name was Abeline... And... She was three months old... And... And... She was dead. She'd died after I..." I choked on the pain. "After I left you... And it had killed us even more...your wedding... you didn't invite me..."

Zach was horrified. "I would... I would never." He sputtered, his motions helpless.

"You didn't!" I said, crying even more. "I'm the one who ended it, because I was so afraid of you dying."

Weakly, he rubbed his eyes, and then motioned towards me. I scooted over, almost blinded by the incredible amount of liquid gathered in my eyes, and he laid my head in his lap, cradling my head, running his fingers through my hair until I calmed down enough to relax.

Turning around, my face towards his grey eyes, I sighed. "I'm so sorry."

He nodded once, not breaking eye-contact, and was quiet for a moment, as if he wasn't sure about what his words would hold for him.

"Clara, there's always a possiblity that what you dreamed... That it could be something very real."

I flinched.

"But whatever the case," he continued, slowly and with delicacy, "I would rather love you and have you leave me... and lose a child, before I would try not to love you and pretend we never had anything between us."

I smiled through the shaking that had completely overtaken my body and leaned up on my elbows to kiss him, and then lay back down next to where he followed suit, exhaling. "Thank you."

His smile was wistful. "I would say anytime, but that would be expecting more of this, so... You're welcome."

We lay there for a few minutes, not doing anything. My mind wandered to the dream, and then to the latest revelation of strange that had happened in this family - I was both sleeping and crying. Two things that were unheard of in... Well, in vampires.

I hated that word. Vampire. It reminded me of the things I'd done when I was first new to everything; new to the world that came from a single bullet to the heart.

"Zach... I've murdered people... It was a long time ago, but I... I killed. In cold blood."

He was quiet for a minute, and then sighed. "I know. Edward happened to mention some such thing before I even met you. He said that it would keep me from getting to close unless I really wanted to, so that my feelings towards you, hate or love or anything in between, would be justified."

"Oh."

"But thanks for telling me, either way."

I nodded. Lying here beside him, it didn't seem like much was wrong in the world; like Annora hadn't run away, like I hadn't completely flipped out on the family, like the Volturri and the Purple Whatevers were after us all the time - It was like I was normal and in love with someone who loved me for who I was, no matter what was going to happen.

"I love you." Zach said, as if he'd heard my thoughts.

I smiled and he kissed me.

----

"Well, you're officially a freak." were the first words out of Alice's mouth as I went downstairs. I still didn't eat human food, thank God (Annora had only stocked up on ice cream before leaving), but I had fallen asleep again.

Thankfully, I hadn't dreamed.

"Actually, you may be more of a living proof of something that I've never seen before." Carlisle said curiously, looking at me from over a book.

"And that's supposed to mean...?"

Zach was still half-asleep, eating some of Annora's ice cream, but he looked at me, concerned, from across the table. I decided then and there that no vampire could look that beautiful - ever. With his messed up hair and tired eyes, he was an angel.

"I think you may have adopted some of the DNA from one of your, ah, meals before you came to us. The glass, for one, sinking into your hand..."

"That was some kind of freak accident; there was something in the glass or... or something."

"Or it could be diamond, and you're not as non-breakable as you thought." Edward said teasingly.

"Exactly," Carlisle confirmed. "Otherwise, it would've shattered on the landing in the first place. And then there was the dreaming, and from what I hear, you've cried?"

The look on my face was enough to prove him right.

"Basically, Clara, I think you're adopting some, if not all, of the human qualities that any wom..."

"Okay, okay, no need to go there. Bad memories. But seriously... their DNA is merging with mine? After so many years?"

"It's the only probable cause I can imagine."

...Which, in Carlisle speak, is usually right.


It's been a long day, and though I don't sleep as much as, say, Zach, I'm still exhausted most of the time, which is new... And weird.

So for now, I'm going to try and make Zach sleep. He seems really disturbed, which is pretty understandable.

Humanescely,
Clara.

(Ps - ANNORA, GET YOUR ASS HOME.)

Telling the Truth, for Once.

This morning, when Zach woke up and got changed into some of Emmett's clothes (he looks adorable in them --- They don't fit him too well, and it makes him look like a kid), and after Annora came in and jumped on me in a huge hug, Zach called me over from my place at the desk, and made room on the bed next to him for me to lay down.

"I want to know everything about you." he informed me, looking up at the ceiling like I was.
"Why?" I moaned. "I'm really not that interesting, I swear."
He kind of smiled, and slipped back into serious mode. "No, but seriously, Clara, I really do. I want to know your entire story, start to finish - not the edited version you're giving everyone else, too."
I had to look over at him for a minute, gaping. "What?"
"You're a pretty good liar for having a brother with mind-reading superpowers."
I frowned. "First of all, they aren't superpowers. If Edward hears you call them that, it will all go to his already-inflated head and he'll start thinking he's God or something. Secondly, I'm not lying, and how would you know anyways?"

He smiled slyly. "I do talk to your family, you know."

I groaned. "Why would you ever do something like that?"
He shrugged. "You're avoiding the story, Clare."
"Maybe I don't want to talk about it."
He looked at me. I just kept looking at the ceiling, unsmiling. He'd hit a sensitive spot, and he knew it.

"Sorry."

I didn't move for a minute, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw him turn back to looking at the ceiling.

I took a deep breath.
"Once upon a time, I was normal. Well, at least as normal as far as being human goes. I was raised in New York, where I was extremetly well-known, somewhat what Rosalie was for her time, but my popularity was just because I was too adventurous, always got in trouble, and was the daughter of a up-and-coming movie star father who loved and adored me. It was kind of strange, though, because I was sensitive to other people, and when anyone had a problem, they were always coming to me to talk about it, no matter who they were, even though I was spoiled rotten, practically.
Three days after I turned sixteen, my father had a heart attack and died."
I paused, catching my breath. Zach reached over and wrapped his hand around mine.
"When my dad died, I started believing in ghost stories and things that could happen to someone when you thought they were dead, including... Vampires." Zach winced.
"I'd never really thought anything like them had existed, but I absolutely refused to think my father had actually died so suddenly. I blamed the vampires, I blamed the Devil, I blamed ghosts... I blamed about anything that I knew nothing about.
"I became even more adventurous than ususal, going to the darker parts of town, down allies where people regularly got killed... Basically anywhere I thought any of my creatures could've been hiding."
"A two weeks before I turned seventeen, I met a vampire. Finally. He was beautiful, with reddish hair and pale skin, with copper eyes that were ever-so-slightly tinged with red." I smiled, remembering.
Zach shuddered. "You met Edward."
"Yeah, I did. But when I saw him, instead of feeling all the rage that had been building up inside of me, I could literally almost feel his pain. He looked so exhausted and upset.
"So we talked for a long time, day after day, and eventually, I told him my story.
"'I truly am sorry,' he had said, looking wistful, 'but I still don't understand what I have to do with this. If I could help, I would.'
"'Change me into what you are,' I told him. 'I want to live forever and not cause anyone pain at all.'
"Well, that went over slightly different than I'd pictured it. Edward became furious, and told me that only in dire and needy situations was anyone even going to be considered to be changed. The pain, the life... He'd described it all to me in perfect detail, but I still couldn't see the problem. I'd just become like him and eat deer or lions or any other animals. Dogs, even if..."
I winced. Zach smiled dryly.
"Sorry. But back then, I wouldn't have thought twice about it."
"He changed you, didn't he?" Zach said, looking sick.
"No... Actually, he didn't. He was far too gallant, and seeing as how you've seen inside Jacob's twisted mind, you realize that he still is."
Zach looked grim.
"Anyway, I happened to take those words to heart. Becoming a vampire became somewhat of an obsession, like getting into an exclusive club. Edward became constantly angry at me, trying to get the stupid idea out of my head, but I was already too far gone."
I looked over at Zach, who's chocolate eyes were staring at me apologetically. It was so strange for me to be just telling my story like this.
"The next week, I was waiting down the alley for Edward when it all happened. We were arguing, as usual, when some assinine idiot New Yorker decided to pull a major drive-by."
I sighed. "And that's where the bullet came from." I poked right under my throat, close to my collarbone. "It's still there."
Zach turned over, leaning up on his elbow, looking almost angry. "And you still stick to the fact that Edward didn't do it?"
I nodded slowly. "Later, Edward told me that Carlisle had finally wrangled him in on the vegan plan, and he decided to let me believe that he'd never existed." I smiled ruefully. "Bella's whole exit plan was based on previous experience, except that he didn't count on someone else changing me.
"When I moved from Alaska to Forks, I had to face Edward for the first time in a long time. He remembered me, and we agreed that the best way to not bring the subject of me being changed up was to fake it." I shrugged. "And that's that."
Zach still looked angry. "He could've stopped it."
I froze. "What?"
"He could've stopped the bullet, had he been there."
I sat up. "You don't know what you're talking about."
He shook his head. "He could've taken the bullet for you and lived."
"Just like I could've saved my family by diving in-between the cars? Jesus, Zach!"

Zach's face dropped, and I closed my eyes.

"Sorry." He said, moving closer to me after a minute. "I'm just a little freaked right now. I can't picture you lying on the street, dying, and Edward not being there to help, even though you'd trusted him with your life every single day for those weeks."
I kind of laughed, pressure building up inside of me again, and leaned into his arms. He hugged me. "You've been through hell, Clare."
"Yeah, but then again, who hasn't in this family?"
He kissed my forehead, and we just kind of laid there for a while before Zach had to go to work and check in down at La Push.

The family's been high on terror alerts. We're so afraid that the purple-eyed freaks are coming back for Annora, and that Alice won't be able to see it.

Edward came in a few minutes ago, though, and sat down on my bed, where I had my music blasting. He muted it, and smiled a little.
"I really am sorry for not being there." he admitted.

Anyways, I think I may run down to the store to get some more ice cream for Annora. I need to get out again, just to get some air.

I'm way too unsafe. Ha, ha.

-Clara

It's Been a While.

I haven't written to people in a long time, so it's interesting to see what I'm going to do with a blog, let alone my own computer.

So. My biological history - Wow.
My name is Clara Elizabeth-Grace Hale, and I was born on October 14, 1927. On November 2, 1944, I was mortally wounded from a bullet that took hit a small part of my heart, and was in a comatose state until the 7th, when I woke up to an alleyway and severe pain, raging like fire in my veins. Three days later, I killed three people, ran to Alaska, and found Tanya and her group, all living a 'vegan' life. Eventually, I got homesick for the streets of New York and actual interaction with people, so when Carlisle came up to meet with Tanya concerning some creep named Victoria, I went back with him and began my life in Forks, WA.

Oh, and another thing. I absorb pain. Absorb-absorb. "Like a sponge." If anyone around me gets hurt, I feel it the exact same way that they do, in all it's fury.
Suffice to say, it was easy to convert over to the vegetarian life after feeling the three people who I... Wow, that's weird to admit... who I murdered feel the pain of my teeth in their skin, my venom burning their veins, then being sucked back out, painful ounce by painful ounce.

I'm a killer, and yeah, I'll freely admit that. No Murderers Anonymous for me, hm?

Edward and I talked about it a long time last night, after he'd caught me sulking in my room, and he was telling me all these stories about things he did in his rebellious years; the thoughts he heard, the people's lives he ended, and the hunger that I could relate to completely.

And he brought up Bella.
I was shocked at the pain her name surfaced. My heart ached with his as he told me the story about leaving her and almost committing suicide when he thought she was dead. The clocktower, the Volturri... Jane... All of it piled up into pure inward hurt which, up until that point, I hadn't known that I could feel. The bite on Bella's hand and his pain to quit... It was almost unbearable. The pain he felt just talking about it was almost more than I could handle.

Anyways, I didn't mean to get off on that sidetrack, but it's the only way I can explain the way I feel things.

Edward and I are really close; more like siblings in a literal sense than not. He gave me one of his mother's necklaces, God rest Elizabeth's soul, and I don't take it off. It's comforting to know that he didn't try to hide anything from me; he's my solace. Not many of the others get along with me - Even Alice, who everyone loves, is wary around me. It's kind of confusing, but I'm not the only one with skeletons in the closet, I'd guess.

Carlisle had a room added on to the house, on the opposite side of Edward's with the same archetecture, for me before I came. It's all thanks to Alice, really, but the uneasiness between us seems to stretch out when I try to compliment or thank her.

Whatever. Weird runs in the... Well, ha, the blood.

-Clara

Ps- Here's the family!