Because of Saving Me

So officially, that was the best Valentines Day in the world.

Basically, sparing the "gory" details, I was kidnapped on the thirteenth and taken hostage in the cliffs at LaPush, about three hours from the actual reservation.

God, it was amazing.

Everything smelled like sea salt, and there were these little yellow Posey-looking flowers all over the place, frozen. It was bitterly cold, but neither one of us could really feel it, so we spent those three days camped out there, sleeping in a sleeping bag in this itty-bitty tent, all curled up and cozy.

We drove back on Thursday night, passing through LaPush, where several of his friends were glaring at us as we passed, and actually reaching my house at about midnight. He couldn't stay; he was getting sick again (probably my fault, he said jokingly) and had to take care of a newly formed wolf back at home, so he dropped me off, kissed me goodnight, and left.

I slept soundly and dreamt of the sea and the sand and huge rocks with carvings of wolves on them while I danced around, laughing.

Nothing good lasts around here, though. Ever.

The next morning, Esme told me Zach had called to say he wasn't going to be able to be at school that day, which wasn’t a big deal. He had the flu, common for the wolves, and had been working with the new kid all night, making him exhausted beyond belief.

I drove to school in Edward’s car (he was still at Bella’s – it was a Valentine’s thing), and pretty much just slept through the first three hours. Not literally, of course, but it felt like it.

Then, of course, came lunch.

Honestly, I don’t know what happened. It could be that there wasn’t anyone to sit with me and distract me since both Annora and Zach weren’t there, but whatever it was happened so quickly and suddenly that… Well, let me start over:

I walked to lunch alone, tempted to just skip it since no one was there with me. But, thinking of Edward’s displeasure over this itty bitty fact, I decided to suffer through it and grabbed a tray, walking through the line.

“Hey, sexy!” Some new kid called out, obviously not from a small city and ready to prove to his new friends that he was so-called cool. “Aw, come on, babe! Turn around and talk to me!”

I turned around and looked at him darkly before turning back to the food line.

“Aaaw, she loves me. It’s okay, sweetheart! Ditch the boyfriend and get you some Pennington!”

So he was Kyle Pennington; the rich kid from San Francisco that everyone had been gushing and having mini-heartaches over (that I’d felt, thank you senior class). I’d make sure to remember that to put on the headstone. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down, surprised that I was actually getting this angry.

“You’re the only non-screwed up member of your family, babe! I know this! And God, your boyfriend is that one Zach dude? Come onnnn! He’s most definitely gay, honey! Come over here and I’ll show you what a real man’s kiss…”

Two seconds. That’s all it took.

I had Kyle Pennington’s ass pinned up against the wall, three inches from my face quicker than his friends could start to laugh.

His green eyes read my ferocity before I could spell it out. I could feel my eyes shift darkly and the panicked look on his face made me smile.

“You damn well don’t know a thing about who I am, Kyle,” I sneered, “and I wouldn’t go advertising how much of a badass you are until you can resist being held up against a wall by a girl much shorter and very much prettier than yourself.”

Underneath my hand, I could feel his quickened heartbeat, echoing through his jugular vein.
Blood pounding.
Heart racing.

My eyes glazed over and the hunger returned.
I remembered it.

Her name had been Mira.
She’d smiled so pretty.
Her hair so black.
She was so weak.
So warm.
So good.
So… fulfilling.

I lost all control and snarled, leaning forward, teeth bared…

I was ripped away and landed on the floor, tackled by a mass of flesh, as Kyle crumpled to the floor. People started screaming, some running for Kyle, as I was rocketed out of the building by whoever had caught me.

DAMMIT, my mind roared, and I lashed out at the human barrier.

Whoever it was yelled an obscenity and put me in a hold, now limping, taking me farther and farther away from the school.

We reached the edge of the woods, and whoever held me slammed my head against the closest tree, the resounding pain registering only barely in my mind, the words spoken almost vanishing into thin air as I threw out one last kick towards them…

“Jesus… No…!”


I blacked out and my thoughts spiraled away into confused and crazed ideas, burning out into memories…

Mira. Mira, Mira, Mira…
She had been at the same party I’d been to; the one that everyone in Boston who was no one was at; the party for the freaks and the misguided.

I found her as I stumbled out, drunk with the smell of liquor. She was originally from London, though her family had immigrated to the states only years before, as she had just finished telling her boyfriend’s friend. She was drunk, too drunk to focus when I found her, crying softly by the brick wall. The only reason I noticed her was because of the gash on her cheek, bleeding profusely, unaware that my crimson eyes had caught her. Her boyfriend had been there; he’d committed that mark on her head. Her pain was killing me, blinding me, and instinctively mad, I reached out and grabbed her by the arm.

The bone broke, and she cried out, but I silenced her.

She was the ninth and tenth; the one that I remembered most. She’d been pregnant.

I screamed, waking up, and tried to put my hands to my face; to black out the light, but I couldn’t. They were tied down beside me, shackled in rope and steel, materials that I could usually bend as easily as anything, but was too weak to even fight now.

“Are you about finished?” Edward said sharply.

I opened my eyes and cringed. I was tied to a tree.

“Oh my God.” I whispered. “What did I do?”

“Well, you broke Kyle Pennington’s leg, which he’s more than likely not too happy about, and then…”

Alice placed a hand on his shoulder and shook her head, wincing.

“…some other things, which are not the best things you could’ve done.” He finished lamely.

I started to sob uncontrollably. “Oh my God. Oh my God…!”

“Clara, sweetheart, it’s going to be okay.” Carlisle said soothingly, and then to Edward, “Please, be nice. I’ve got to get something to clean her up.”

Alice followed him as he headed away, looking back at Edward warningly.

Edward nodded, seeing what only he could see inside of her head, looking uptight. “I’ll try, and yes, you might as well.”

His eyes moved back to me, where he stood, watching me cry for a good five minutes before sighing and kneeling down beside me, breaking the rope and undoing the bonds, taking my wrists and rubbing them so the pain would go away.

I just sat there as he did it, limp and crying, my eyes not really looking at anything, feeling almost delusional.

He let my wrists go, and used his thumbs to wipe away my tears.

“Clara, it really is going to be okay.”

I shook my head furiously.

“Kyle’s been told that he tripped, and the rest of the school believes it. They didn’t see you, Clara. They heard the retorts, they saw the scene, but you were so quick that it didn’t register.”

I winced, crying even harder. “I almost killed him… I was so close…”

Edward looked appalled – he obviously hadn’t known that. He opened his mouth, and then shut it.

I pulled my legs up to my chest and buried my face.

Edward sat back, watching me somberly.

That night passed so slowly; Carlisle came back with Alice and Jasper, who were trying fruitlessly to convince me that it was alright (‘I don’t know what the hell happened, but she’s not affected by what I’m doing’ Jasper exclaimed in earnest to Carlisle) as he cleaned me up. Eventually, after getting no response, they left, Edward still there, staring across at me, a haunted look on his face.

Alice came by a while later, looking worried, and nodded over at Edward who shook his head and tightened his lips, his expression unchanged, motioning that she could leave. After another few moments of pure silence, he spoke:

“When I was younger, several years after I found the Cullens, I almost exposed us. I killed people, Clara. I won’t ever forget it, but you have to be forgiving of your own kind.”

I shook my head, tears drenching my sleeves.

I heard him stand up and hesitate; I felt the pain he had in his eyes when he looked at me, and the earnest pain in his heart that bored into mine – like he knew something that I didn’t; something that was going to hurt me even worse.

At the last moment, when he was about to say something, he changed his mind and shook his head, turning and leaving me in the woods.

Midnight came swiftly, and then it was dark for what seemed like forever.

I heard footsteps and smelled wolf before they even thought about approaching.

“Clara Hale?”

It wasn’t him; my heart sank and I was quiet.

“Clara…” Dhart approached and sat next to me, embracing me, surprising me.

He was crying.

I had a feeling that I was connected to this, and I sighed through my own salty tears and readjusted myself, hugging him back.

I don’t know when it was, the time seemed to bleed together immeasurably, but I fell asleep, dreamless, like some part of my brain had decided to take mercy on me for once.

When I woke up, I was in my bed, Edward in the chair in front of my desk, watching me blankly.

“Get your jacket,” he said blandly. “I have something to show… and tell… you.”

We took his Volvo, and I just stared out the window, thinking about how I’d lost control. It was so stupid to just lose it over that stupid kid. It wasn’t the first time I’d had a kid pester me like that, but it was the first time I’d ever retaliated, or even hurt someone.

God, I was really going insane.

“Clara, we’re here.” Edward said softly, jolting me back into reality. I’d forgotten how fast he drove.

We were in Seattle.

I looked up at him, uncertain, and he just motioned for me to follow him. I undid my seatbelt and stood up out of the car, looking at the hospital looming before us.

“I don’t want to see him.” I said plainly. “I don’t want to see Kyle.”

“We’re not here to see idiot Pennington.” Edward said smoothly, sadly. “We’re here for someone else.”

I was confused, and slightly mollified by the idea, but as soon as we set foot in the door, I wanted to leave.

The antiseptiky smell haunted the corridors; the wait staff looked exhausted; people were dying here and I could feel the pain of it all.

“Edward…” I whispered, panicking.

“Clara, I know. Just… You want to be here.” He said.

“No. No, I don’t.”

He heaved a sigh and took my hand. “Come on.”

He led me through the halls, up an elevator, and through more passageways of the Seattle hospital until we reached room 121.

I was hyperventilating.

“Edward, please,” I begged. “I can’t see anyone right now after I’ve…”

He opened the door, and I froze, staring at the patient a minute before gingerly stepping foot in the room.

"How did this happen?" I said, my throat dry all of the sudden.

“He had some internal bleeding,” Edward said, his voice hollow. “Alice called him, telling him that she saw you attacking Kyle and killing him, but he didn’t stop. He went to your school, stopped you from bloodying up Pennington, and almost had prevented the whole thing…”

“So I did this.” I said in revulsion, the epiphany dawning on me with a morbid taste, bile creeping into my mouth. “I almost killed him by fighting him off.”

“He’s in a coma, Clara.” He said, his voice cracking. “They don’t know if he’s going to make it.”

I didn’t know the person in the bed, I tried to tell myself. It was someone else.

Dhart looked up at Edward from one of the plastic chairs, his eyes red and his hair messed up. “You didn’t tell her that her fiancée was unconscious?”

“No.” he said quietly, “It was better to give her a night of rest before breaking her heart.”

I glanced at Edward, who looked back at me wistfully. “You didn’t think he didn’t tell me that he was going to ask you to marry him over the weekend? Come on, Clara. He’s had it on his mind for a while.”

“We were going to wait for a year or so.” I choked out.

“I know,” he said, softly, looking sympathetic. “He asked me about that, too, and promised that he loved you, no matter what. He said that you couldn’t do anything to make him not love you.”

Right then and there, my heart shattered into a million pieces, every ounce of pain possible soaking up through my skin.

I was shaking so much that it hurt, and almost fell as I made it to the bed.

Zach. My Zach.

I crawled into the bed, next to him, and wrapped my arms around him, laying my head on his chest, sobbing. The hospital gown felt so unnatural – like I was just laying on some plastic-feeling paper, yet the paper was so warm, and with a heartbeat that was slower than normal, almost back to a human rate.

“I’m so sorry,” I cried. “I am so, so sorry!”

And scared. I was scared beyond anything I’d ever experienced. There was nothing that could keep me from this fear; it froze my insides and for once, it was harder to breathe than I thought possible.

He looked too wrong here; he was wild and free, and now here he was, confined in a bed, motionless.

I reached under the covers and took his hand, holding it tightly, the looseness of his fingers making me wince.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked through my tears, “I could’ve been here when…”

“He wasn’t ever conscious, Clara.” Edward said, his voice breaking slightly. “He wasn’t conscious when we found him, and he didn’t wake up once in the transition here.”

I fought the urge to scream in agony with this new knowledge. His pain jutted out towards mine, though it wasn’t actually much since he was comatose, but it made me want to take it all; to not just feel it, but to steal it away from him, so that maybe he would make it through this.

Oh, God, I loved him so much! He couldn’t be taken away from me now! We needed each other!
…I needed him!

Dhart walked over to the bed, his eyes full of his own sadness, tears gathering in the corners. His lip trembled. “He knew you were the one for him, Clara. He loved everything about you.” He blinked, and the tears rushed down his cheeks silently.

The three of us stayed there, Carlisle coming in and whispering words of comfort to me every now and then, taking his temperature, inserting more IV’s – until closing.

When Carlisle came in the final time, I was feigning sleep, just so I wouldn’t have to believe any of this was actually going on. After he left, whispering something to Edward, Edward came and picked me up effortlessly, following Dhart outside.

I couldn’t have fought if I had wanted to.


At three AM, I woke up, crying again.

I didn’t tell anyone, though I’m sure most of them knew, sneaking out of the house and running to the hospital, where Carlisle was sitting with him in his down time, reading.

He looked up as I entered, but just nodded and continued back to his book.

I crawled under the covers, beside Zach, and wrapped myself around him, my left hand fidgeting with the white gold ring that he’d placed there only two nights before.

He’d kissed me, hard on the lips, and spun me around, both of us laughing in the chilly air and collapsing into our sleeping bags that we’d zipped together. For a long time, he just kind of sat there, his head rested against his elbow, and when I’d laughed and asked him what he was doing, he said that he was thinking about how good everything had been; how even though there had been hard times, that somehow, they were just obstacles that we’d helped each other over.

I shivered next to his warm body, remembering.

He told me he loved me, more than anything else in the world, and that he would always look after me better than anyone could. And then, as we were both falling asleep, he sighed, and I almost couldn’t make out whether it was a dream, or if he was sleep-talking, and said, ‘if I asked you to marry me tonight, would you?’ and I said yes; that I loved him forever, and always had. He gave me this lovely smile, it was heavenly and I swore I would always make him smile like that, and proposed right then, underneath the sleeping bags, the wind whispering lullabies in our ears.

“Please, please, please come back.” I whispered, resting my head on his heart again, the rhythm coaxing me to sleep. "I don't want you to go yet."

Epitome of Lost.

“Clara?” A familiar, deep voice asked, sounding happily surprised.

“Zach?” I asked, stunned by the person next in line to me.

It had been ten years since I’d seen him, and the little curious smile he gave me made me remember why I’d loved him...

“Wow… You kept your promise; you haven’t changed.” He said bitterly.

…And why I’d had to let him go.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know. You look amazing.”

And he did; so much that it hurt. He would be almost thirty by now, and he had that look of someone who was living regularly, loving life to the fullest.

“Look, about the wedding…”

“I didn’t get married.” I interrupted, a little too quickly, and he smiled wistfully.

“I know… But… I did.”

Only then did I notice the little girl who was holding tightly onto one of his fingers, looking about four-years-old, with curly, blond hair and wide, blue and gold-flecked eyes that stared up at me intently. She looked exactly like him minus the rolls of baby fat and the fingers tucked inside of her mouth, in a frilly sleeveless shirt and tiny jean shorts, with white buckled sandals on her chubby feet.

“Oh.” I said, fighting the urge to fall over.

“But I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you… Or send you an invitation or anything.”

“Um, no, no, it’s okay. I mean, it’s your wedding.”

He smiled down at the girl, still addressing me. “Her name’s Emilie Clare…”

I couldn’t speak.

“I didn’t forget you, you know.” He said quietly. "Even after you left and I married Karmen…”

“You married Karmen?” I choked.

He looked puzzled. “Well… Yes…”

“Karmen… As in the one who used to hang around with Sam? Karmen; Jacob’s step-sister?”

“Yeah, Clara, the one and only.”

“Oh, my God.” I said, breathless.

The little girl’s eyes grew even wider.

“Ah…” Zach hesitated. “Maybe we should go see mommy, sweetheart.”

She nodded and he looked around for her as the bile crept into my mouth. Sweetheart.

“Um, so, what else is… new?” I asked, for a lack of better words.

He smiled back at me quickly. “Karmen’s expecting twins in a couple months, so we’ve been extremely busy getting the house ready and…” he sighed. “I have no idea where she is. So… How has the family been?”

I ran my fingers over my face. “I really don’t know anymore. I’m the only one who lives here now, since Ed and Bella moved away, Esme and Carlisle are in Alaska for the next hundred years, Annora and Ryan got married two years back, and Rose and Emmett are on a temporary split, both of them vacationing in Italy, dealing with business for a while, being forgotten by Forks.”

The news shocked me more than him.

He nodded for a minute, and I almost didn’t catch the nauseated expression on his face as he remarked on the next subject: “Look, I know it’s kind of abrupt, but I want to make sure you’re doing okay… You know, with the funeral and everything.”

“I’m fine, Zach… What funeral?”

“Abeline’s funeral…” He said, concernedly.

I just shrugged and shook my head. Figuring out that I didn’t know what he was talking about, he took a tentative step towards me, raw pain in his eyes.

“Abeline, Clara. Our three-month-old daughter.”


I was screaming when I woke up, clutching at blankets and pillows wildly like the kind of monster I was. I didn't need to breathe, and yet I was close to hyperventilation.

I'd never felt anything like this before - the pure panic.

Everyone but Annora was there -- Rosalie had gotten in the night before last, toting Emmett around with her and refusing to let anyone steal him away for a moment, while Jasper and Alice had been in a Monopoly championship for the last three days, fighting it out on Train Depots and Boulevards. Edward had been without Bella the last few days, as Charlie had shipped her off to some kind of camp in the mountains, leaving him worrisome and reclusive at times, and both Carlisle and Esme hadn't really changed anything from the daily routine, save for the fact that Carlisle had made the Guinness Book of World Records for number of lives saved (he only told us, though --- No one else needed to know, and we didn't need the publicity). Annora was still on the run with Ryan - No one knew where they were.

Everything had been a little screwed up.

But now, I looked around, and everyone was staring at me with horrified expressions on their faces.

I took a deep breath. "What?"

"You... Aah..." Jasper started in, not really focusing on words.

"You fell asleep." Zach said, his voice pitched strangely.

I froze, tightening my grip on the sheets. "What?"

Carlisle, ever the calm one, looked reserved and almost studious. "You reached a state of sleep that, as far as I know, isn't supposed to be available to other vampires."

"And you had a dream..." Edward said, pained, looking at Zach. "You talked a little..."

My eyes went over to Zach, who stood there looking broken, his gaze down at my foot board.

"Oh, God..." I whispered.

"Yeah. It wasn't something that we'd all exactly like to thank you for." Rosalie said bitterly.

Emmett's hand slid across the banister and landed on top of hers quickly. "It's not her fault, Rose." he noted quietly.

She shook her head and walked away, leaving the room.

Emmett sighed. "Clare, we all know that it wasn't anything that might really happen... Hopefully. But Rosalie... She's so vulnerable right now." he said apologetically, and followed his wife out the door.

Carlisle nodded at the others. "Let's just leave her alone for a while."

Halfway out the door, Jasper stopped and looked back at the one person left beside my bed. "Are you coming?"

"No," Zach sighed. "Not right now."

Jasper nodded, Alice following him, whispering words of suspicion into his ear.

The door closed, and Zach's eyes met mine, and he just watched me for a while, wordless.

Eventually, he came around the bed and sat next to me wrapping his warm fingers around mine.

"Clara..."

And that's when the second worse thing that could possibly happen, happened:

I started crying.

Cold, almost frigid tears, racing down my cheek, along my nose, and into the corners of my mouth, where they gathered and then trickled down my chin, on the covers.

I gasped and stared at the wet spots.

Zach looked overwhelmed for a minute, and just as I thought he would run away, reached out and wrapped me in a hug, pressing my face against his shoulder harshly.

"Clara, I couldn't not love you..." he whispered.

I just cried. I couldn't agree with him, and reassure him that I knew, because I didn't. It seemed so plausible... Which could've just been part of the 'haven't dreamed in over seventy years' thing.

"It felt so real," I blubbed. "You and Karmen and Abeline and..."

"Who are they?" Zach interrupted, gently pushing me back, rubbing his thumbs along my tear-streaked cheeks, making me feel like a child. "What're you talking about?"

I struggled to gain my composure. "But... I thought I talked..."

"You did," He explained, still looking slightly hurt. "You kept saying 'you don't love me' and 'my fault' over and over, practically screaming... And you said that Rose and Emmett weren't together anymore..." He tried to smile. "It was slightly enough to scare me out of bed."

"Zach... Oh, my God." I leaned into him again, sobbing. "It was so bad. You and I... We'd been married..."

He cringed.

"...No! No, that's not the bad thing... It was just... We'd split up and you'd gotten remarried... To Karmen, and had a little girl... It was ten years since I'd seen you... Our daughter..."

I tried to get the words to connect, but they wouldn't. Zach held me tightly.

"What daughter, Clare?" he said softly.

I pulled back, my hands falling into my lap limply. "Her name... Her name was Abeline... And... She was three months old... And... And... She was dead. She'd died after I..." I choked on the pain. "After I left you... And it had killed us even more...your wedding... you didn't invite me..."

Zach was horrified. "I would... I would never." He sputtered, his motions helpless.

"You didn't!" I said, crying even more. "I'm the one who ended it, because I was so afraid of you dying."

Weakly, he rubbed his eyes, and then motioned towards me. I scooted over, almost blinded by the incredible amount of liquid gathered in my eyes, and he laid my head in his lap, cradling my head, running his fingers through my hair until I calmed down enough to relax.

Turning around, my face towards his grey eyes, I sighed. "I'm so sorry."

He nodded once, not breaking eye-contact, and was quiet for a moment, as if he wasn't sure about what his words would hold for him.

"Clara, there's always a possiblity that what you dreamed... That it could be something very real."

I flinched.

"But whatever the case," he continued, slowly and with delicacy, "I would rather love you and have you leave me... and lose a child, before I would try not to love you and pretend we never had anything between us."

I smiled through the shaking that had completely overtaken my body and leaned up on my elbows to kiss him, and then lay back down next to where he followed suit, exhaling. "Thank you."

His smile was wistful. "I would say anytime, but that would be expecting more of this, so... You're welcome."

We lay there for a few minutes, not doing anything. My mind wandered to the dream, and then to the latest revelation of strange that had happened in this family - I was both sleeping and crying. Two things that were unheard of in... Well, in vampires.

I hated that word. Vampire. It reminded me of the things I'd done when I was first new to everything; new to the world that came from a single bullet to the heart.

"Zach... I've murdered people... It was a long time ago, but I... I killed. In cold blood."

He was quiet for a minute, and then sighed. "I know. Edward happened to mention some such thing before I even met you. He said that it would keep me from getting to close unless I really wanted to, so that my feelings towards you, hate or love or anything in between, would be justified."

"Oh."

"But thanks for telling me, either way."

I nodded. Lying here beside him, it didn't seem like much was wrong in the world; like Annora hadn't run away, like I hadn't completely flipped out on the family, like the Volturri and the Purple Whatevers were after us all the time - It was like I was normal and in love with someone who loved me for who I was, no matter what was going to happen.

"I love you." Zach said, as if he'd heard my thoughts.

I smiled and he kissed me.

----

"Well, you're officially a freak." were the first words out of Alice's mouth as I went downstairs. I still didn't eat human food, thank God (Annora had only stocked up on ice cream before leaving), but I had fallen asleep again.

Thankfully, I hadn't dreamed.

"Actually, you may be more of a living proof of something that I've never seen before." Carlisle said curiously, looking at me from over a book.

"And that's supposed to mean...?"

Zach was still half-asleep, eating some of Annora's ice cream, but he looked at me, concerned, from across the table. I decided then and there that no vampire could look that beautiful - ever. With his messed up hair and tired eyes, he was an angel.

"I think you may have adopted some of the DNA from one of your, ah, meals before you came to us. The glass, for one, sinking into your hand..."

"That was some kind of freak accident; there was something in the glass or... or something."

"Or it could be diamond, and you're not as non-breakable as you thought." Edward said teasingly.

"Exactly," Carlisle confirmed. "Otherwise, it would've shattered on the landing in the first place. And then there was the dreaming, and from what I hear, you've cried?"

The look on my face was enough to prove him right.

"Basically, Clara, I think you're adopting some, if not all, of the human qualities that any wom..."

"Okay, okay, no need to go there. Bad memories. But seriously... their DNA is merging with mine? After so many years?"

"It's the only probable cause I can imagine."

...Which, in Carlisle speak, is usually right.


It's been a long day, and though I don't sleep as much as, say, Zach, I'm still exhausted most of the time, which is new... And weird.

So for now, I'm going to try and make Zach sleep. He seems really disturbed, which is pretty understandable.

Humanescely,
Clara.

(Ps - ANNORA, GET YOUR ASS HOME.)

Talk to Me.

Hi, everyone who's ever read this blog. It's been a crazy month, with a crazy-long recap to go along with it, unfortunately for my fingers.

SO, just in case you're not much of a reader, or want to make sure I'm sticking to my word about talking about "the incident" that happened LAST time I posted, here's a list of the bigger, more robust points of this month:

• I'm typing this in my hideous bridesmaid's dress.
• Zach and I are on some very special speaking terms.
• I chose between letting Nicholas stay or making him go.
• I have a creep stalker who should hate me, but loves me.
• Several strange situations. (nothing new here...)
• I have two very pretty new 'accessories.'
• I've finally unwrapped my gifts.

Get excited, people.

And, alright, I know that for some of those, I was more than vague. But do you really expect to get a story out of me in less than a hundred bullets? I don't think so.

Anyway, wow, it's been a while. I actually had to check to see where I'd left off; what I'd done last. Kind of shocking, moving on...

Nick was at my house, following me around, etc., and everyone got reaquainted with him (ex-fiancees are never something anyone wants to mess around with, especially if both of you happen to be dead) and Zach was both sick and hating me for having him show up, like it was under any of MY control, at my eighty-first birthday party.

That night, I sat out on the porch swing and hoped he would come back.

The next four nights, I sat out on the porch swing and hoped he would come back.

On the sixth night, Edward came outside, sitting with me silently. He watched the stars, like he was actually out there for that sole purpose, rocking back and forth. Eventually, he sighed (dramatic, really, since we don't need to).

"Look, I know you'll choose the right things to do, and I understand that you're hurting and everything-"

"You are too."

He winced. "Yeah. One word - purple. But I just wanted to give you this."

He pulled a gift-wrapped box from beside him and handed it to me. I smiled at him, and looked guilty. He'd tried to bring a little life and happiness back, and it had totally gotten out of control. "Thanks, Ed."

"Happy late Birthday," He said, smiling, and then left without waiting for me to open it.

So when I did, I was left alone to cry.

In the package lay a picture of my family - every one of them - with a note written not in Edward's handwriting, but in my own blood-related brother's.

"Dear Clara,
Today, the entire community attended the memorium for a girl who died long ago, in a big town with a big reputation for those kind of things. Her name and the way people talked about her resembled very much my sister, but I know in my heart that my sister isn't dead.
Clara, I've lived years and years, hoping that maybe you're looking in on me, watching me and my grandchildren, my children, all going on about our lives, while though you're not here, your own life is going on somewhere else. I don't believe you to be dead in any sense; you're not the kind to get kidnapped and murdered.
I'm getting very old, and I know that you will know the names and faces of both yours and mine family, but in case something ever happens to me, or if when I die, you are somehow forgotten by them, I want you to have this picture - it's the rest of your heart all on a sheet of expensive parchment for you to keep eternally.
You will forever be my angel, dead or alive. You're my only sister, and I love you always.
Happy birthdays, Merry Christmases, and many, many apologies for not being there when you may need me.
I hope that Edward, the Earth-Angel you talked constantly about, is with you somewhere, making sure that you're safe.
Your Brother,
Cole Laylan"

The five members of my forever-lost family laughed up at me like nothing could ever be wrong in the world. Only Cole, knowing exactly what he was going to do with his copy of the picture, looked slightly serious; secure and wondering.

I didn't let go of the photo or the letter all night.

The next morning, I went up to Edward's room (after making sure Bella wasn't there - I don't know what it is about her, but it hurts so much to even TALK around her - and it's not my hurt). Knocking on the door three times, I heard a quiet 'come in'.

"Thank you."

He smiled. "I was actually worried you'd hate me for getting you that. It was at Cole's house, and I wanted to see if he'd left anything for you before he passed on so that no one else would think you were... ah... in the ground, per say, and throw it away."

"I couldn't be mad if I tried. This is too amazing of a gift, Edward. you don't know how much this means to me." I whispered.

"It's still not what you need, though."

I looked up at him in alarm.

"Go find Zach, Clara. Don't throw yourself through hell and try and keep it from everyone. I don't need to see inside your head to know that you love him."

I was horrified. "Oh, GOD! Why do you have to be the one to say these things!?"

He grinned. "Because I know how it goes. Anyway, try to reason with him. He's hurt more than you are right now, believe it or not, and doesn't understand much at the moment."

"He's being stubborn. He won't talk to me."

"Have you tried? He's a man, Clare, and he loves-"

"STOP USING THAT WORD ABOUT ME."

Edward burst into uproarish laughter. "It's just a word!"

"It hasn't ever... Oh, hell, I don't want to explain this."

I left then, Edward still laughing loud enough to hear from outside.

Alice and Rosalie wished me well (thanks a lot, Alice), and before I was even really thinking, I found myself down in LaPush, face to face with Sam.

"I know that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me, but can I please talk to Zach?"

Sam smiled down at me kindly. I don't think I've ever felt so short in my life. "That would be amazing, but... There's one slight problem; he's not here."

"What?" I was appalled. He'd run away from me, both here and at my home! WUSS, my head screamed, but I knew, for sure, that he had a reason that didn't involve anything having to do with being scared to confront me; my heart knew that one.

"He's not here; he left a couple nights back, looking kind of sleepless, and told us that he'd be back eventually, and not to look for him."

That sounded so familiar, and it didn't take long for me to peice that together with the close-to-exact same thing I'd done after Annora first saw the purple eyes and I was chasing away the pain.

...He went to the forest.

"Thanks, Sam!" I shouted behind me, running towards the woods. The clouds ahead rumbled fiercely, and several small droplets hit my nose, though I was running fast enough to miss most of them. He'd gone where I'd go, I would've bet anything in the world.

The rain started heaviest as I reached the beginning of the forest, looking quickly, smelling for him. I followed his trail to the clearing, and from there, I could see his shadow across the way.

Unfortunately, he could also see mine through the buckets of rain falling from the sky, dousing both of us.

"Go away," He said in a normal, if not more sad than usual, voice. "No one wants you here, Clara."

"Zach, I can explain, because, without trying to be cliche, that really wasn't what it looked like."

"It doesn't matter. You've told me you couldn't think of me any other way than as a friend, but what if, Clara? What if I wanted to be more than your friend?"

I was getting desperate, and the water was bugging me. I'd gotten my leather jacket on before I'd left the house, but the rain couldn't be repelled. "Maybe I wanted you to be more, too! Maybe I was just stupid enough to tell myself love was for the living!"

He sighed. "It doesn't matter," he repeated. "Especially not when you're only saying this to get me out of here." He laughed darkly. "WHY DON'T YOU BE A REL FRIEND FOR ONCE?" He yelled, as if I was actually human enough to not hear him. "LEAVE ME OUT HERE TO FIGURE ALL OF THIS OUT."

"BECAUSE, DAMMIT, I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND." I yelled angrily, instantly regretting it.

There was a minute of silence, the rain pounding on the mud and grass between us.

"You're not my friend." Zach repeated morosely.

"I can't be," I reasoned. "I love you too much."

The shadow lifted his hands up to his head. "Clara..."

"And look, okay?" I said, a desperate plea to my voice. "Nick was my finacee, and I'll admit that, but when he reoffered, I refused. The look on your face assured me that you meant everything you'd ever said to me, and I can't trade that for someone that I may not even know anymore! Nick is still my friend, and he's going to stay in Forks, but I swear, Zach, that's all he is!
"GOD!" I exclaimed at myself, and slid down the base of the tree I was by into the mud, putting my eyes in my sleeves, my fists in my hair.

There was silence, but it was okay. I was done. I'd said what I was there to say, and that was all I could really do.

"Do you really mean that?" Zach said quietly, and I lifted up my face. He was there, jacket, jeans, and all, not looking at me. His eyes were red, matching his cheeks, and his arms were limp at his side.

I'd never seen him look that depressed.

"Yeah, I really do," I said standing up. "And I am so, so sorry for treating you like something disposable."

He smiled weakly. "Maybe you should've. I was pretty cheesey there for a while."

"Months ago. We were both stupid, then?"

He laughed thoughtfully, meeting my eye. "Okay; we were both stupid. But... Can I please ask you something, and if it's too soon, okay, and if I'm being forward or back to the stupid thing, that's fine, but..." He paused, "...Would it be okay if I kissed you?"

I stood up on my toes, every part of me wet and caked in mud, and wrapped my arms around him as he kissed me.

I loved him. Plain and simple. And it had taken a freaking nuclear pitfall to make me realize that.

...Suffice to say, Alice was estatic. Edward was even grinning like an idiot, but really and truly, Alice still stole the cake: "OH, I WANT TO PLAN YOUR WEDDING, TOO, OKAY?"

It scared Zach and I both, but she assured us she really couldn't see that far into the future.

We went up to my room, where we both instantly collapsed on the bed in all of our muddy glory and made love like we were on our honeymoon.

...Just kidding, Edward.

Actually, as we lay there on the bed, both of us staring up at the ceiling like old times, Zach swore and started digging around in his jacket.

"Inconvieniences..." he mumbled, and I propped myself up on my elbow.

"You really don't have to do a self-frisk to come to our house, you know. We have deadlier things than glass bottles over 3 ounces full of liquid."

He shook his head. "No, it's just... FOUND IT!"

He held up the same, small, gift-wrapped box he'd had at the party only a week before. "I'd forgotten about it."

"Me, too, actually. But you really don't have to give me anything, Zach. I've been a personal hellraiser lately, and really, you're the only present I need." I wrapped my arms around him and lay my head on his arm.

He objected. "No, this is your birthday gift and I want you to have it anyway."

I sighed. "Boys."

He laughed. "Vampire girls who can't accept gifts."

With one of his hands holding it, I used my right hand to tear away the paper.

I looked at the velvety box, horrified and scared. "Zach, really, you're only seventeen, and I can't..."

"I'm not giving you an engagement ring." He said calmly, fighting back laughter. "I swear."

"A purity ring? Earrings?"

"No, and no."

I groaned and opened up the box.

I gasped.

Inside lay a gold ring with three oval sapphires mounted in it, framed by two tiny diamonds on each side.

"Oh, wow..."

"It was my mother's," Zach explained hastily. "It seems kind of weird for a gift, but you're there for me more than anyone else I know... Well, except Sam, and I don't think he'd take the idea of a ring very nicely."

I laughed, close to crying. "Zach, this is beautiful, and I... Well, you made so I can't refuse it, and... I'm honored."

"Good." He said, slipping it onto my pinky. "Someone needs to be."

That night was perfect. He fell asleep by my side, and I fell off into some kind of reverie, thinking about everything that had happened in the last week.


Three days later, I came home from school with Carlisle, who had been forced to check me out of a hospital.

"I can't believe this!" I exclaimed, staring at the palm of my hand.

"I can't, either. I've never heard of anything like this before."

Zach sat in the back of the car with me, holding said palm, tracing the edge of a peice of glass that was lodged in my hand. It ran from where my fingers bagan to the point right above my wrist, and though it caused a stinging sensation to move my hand back and forth, it was almost worth it the way Zach kept running his finger over it, onto my fingers, and back again.

"I thought we were indestructable!" I argued with no one.

"I thought so, too." Both Zach and Carlisle supplied. "But getting that thick of a peice of glass stuck that side up in your hand... Something must have happened." Carlisle finished.

"The beaker exploded in the Chem class we were in," I explained again, still hyped. "And one of the peices was coming towards my head, so I stuck my hand up there to block it!"

"Okay, you're right, something happened. But something with the glass or your anatomy or... something." he responded.

"It didn't bleed or anything." Zach noted, not taking his attention off of the shard. "It was just... There."

"Right. And it hurt, and I yelled a horrible cuss word, and I got sent to the hospital where you," I motioned at Carlisle to the rearview mirror, "found me, screaming at them not to look at it."

He smiled. "They thought you just didn't want to be touched."

"That was one of the reasons." I said sourly, leaning up against Zach. "But at least you were working today."

"And at least you had super-humanly strength."

I snorted as the car pulled up to the house, Zach helping me out as if I was really an invalid.

"Hey, what's this?"

There was a package on our porch, with the word "CLARA" written in thick, black sharpie.

"It wasn't me, I swear." Zach said for my sanity.

"Whatever it is, I can wait until I'm inside. No difference." I said, picking it up and opening the door.

Zach shook his head at me playfully, and lifted me up over his shoulder.

"What are you - AH, OH MY GOD, ZACH, PUT ME DOWN."

Edward met us halfway up the stairs, laughing at my situation.

"NOT FUNNY." I yelled as Zach continuted up. "If I didn't love you, I would KILL YOU right now, Zach!"

When we reached my room, he threw me on the bed and jumped on after me. "Alright! What is it?"

"Oh, okay, it says my name on it, and you want to see what it is more than I do. Would you like to open it?"

He raised an eyebrow.

"FINE, okay, I'll do it."

I ran a fingernail between the flaps, breaking the tape, and pulled the peices aside.

"Very cool." Zach said. "Foam peanuts."

I sighed, pulling back the peanuts. "What the...?"

Zach started gagging, and had to get out of the room as it moved. I was almost mesmerized, the smell of it making my head spin in the first place, and yet completely mortified.

It was a human heart. Fresh, and barely moving.

"Clara, my love," the note inside, covered with blood, read. "Don't be fooled by the one you have now; I know what can make your dead heart beat."

I felt like throwing up.

"Love eternally, Alec."

Everything was a blur for a while after that. Edward racing up to my room, disposing of the thing, Carlisle trying to calm me down, Zach having to go home, apologizing profusely; it all kind of melded together. All I could think of was that someone had died that night so that I could have some demented form of gift.

FOR TWO WEEKS, nothing else happened. No unusual occurences; the glass is forever jammed in my hand, and though it hurts, shouldn't cause too many problems. Zach and I were finally happy, and Annora and Ryan... Well, we didn't bother them to much, to their utter disbelief.

But, as usual, nothing could stay good forever.

Meet exhibit A: The Bridesmaid Dress. Except imagine it in a nice... RED.


"You look gorgeous!" Alice squealed, hugging me.

I frowned. "Alice, dear, um, what color is my hair?"

"Red...?"

"Right, and what color is this dress?"

"Red."

"Uh-huh. And what color is my skin?"

"White?"

"EXACTLY. I LOOK LIKE I'M ON FIRE."

Alice laughed, and I could see Zach leaning up against the wall, fighting back laughter of his own. "No, you don't!"

"Yes. I do. I'm all RED."

...But you know Alice (and if you don't, go back and read all previous posts). So I'm stuck here, sitting in my chair, ranting on my laptop in my hellbent dress, waiting for Annora to get home and dressed up.

...All in all, it's been pretty okay as far as life goes around here.

I'm just kind of scared for the whole heart thing.

Not-so-invincible anymore,
Clara

Bring It On: The Kicking Butt and Taking Names Edition

"Clara, put him down." Edward sighed, after getting over the initial shock being beat to the punch.

Let me just say, for the record, that I'm not a usually too temperamental person. Sure, I'm headstrong and biting some times, but not too angry.

But earlier, I was furious.
Angry enough to have the supposed-to-be-dead Ryan looking shocked and sickeningly gorgeous, slammed halfway into a tree by his neck, snarling.

"Clara," Ryan choked, "What the hell is your problem?!"

"My problem?" I yelled. "YOU're my problem! You leave and pretend you're DEAD, which is a whole other tree-slamming entirely, making my sister hurt so badly that right now, I don't think death would equal up to that!" I wasn't hysterical; I was fuming

"Clare, as much as Ed and I both think this is extremely cool of you and, of course, how we'd love to do that to him, too, put him down. Annora will have a cow." Jasper said, smiling grimly.

"Annora can have any farm animal she wants as long as I get to kill this asinine idiotic scum of the Earth."

Edward sighed again. He was getting pretty good at that.
"Fine. Just don't kill him and put him down before Annora sees. But while you're hanging there, you mongrel, you might as well tell us a few things."

Ryan frowned. "Like what? You won't believe me no matter what I say."

Zach came over and looked levelly at Ryan from beside me. "That's for us to know and you to assume."

Edward smirked. "First of all, why death and not just a note or something similar? Faking death isn't exactly subtle."

Ryan snorted. "I'm not you."

"Obviously." Edward said, and I could feel him inwardly cringing, though he didn't show it on the outside.

I tightened my hand around Ryan's neck. "Answer the question, and stop being the biggest jerk faced lying as-"
Jasper coughed, and gave me a look.
"Stop being yourself." I amended hotly.

Ryan looked exasperated.
"Look. I didn't mean to hurt her, or you for that matter, Clara, but I wasn't going to just leave her a note saying "oh, hey, sorry, but I have to leave because I've just betrayed you to the same vampires that have practically stalked you forever. Sorry!' And there's no way I was going to just leave and claim that I didn't love her. You should know better than that."

"You picked DEATH over a NOTE?" Jacob asked, looking horrified. "I knew you guys were off your rail, but that's... That's not even a little bit logical!"

"Yeah, well, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing. Besides, I did keep in contact through the LaPush notes."

Zach shook his head. "You're one retarded vampire. I guarantee you, if you ever get the urge to show up in LaPush again, you're going to end up where you pretended to be in the first place."

Ryan turned his sad eyes on me. "Let me go. I know I was completely wrong, and trust me, never again."

I grudgingly released my grip. As Ryan rubbed his neck though, he was slammed up against the tree again, by Edward.

"What about your 'people'?" he hissed.

Ryan coughed some more. "STOP SLAMMING ME AGAINST TREES! And what the heck do you mean? What about 'my people'?!"

"They're going to come at us harder now, because of you!" Edward's voice sounded so... deadly.

Edward dropped Ryan and turned on his heel, while pain exploded in front of my eyes. It was killing him to live on the other side of something so simliar to what he'd done.

I got home before anyone else that night, and went straight to my room and sat in the chair at the desk until Zach came over. He sat down on the couch and smiled at me sadly.

“I’m sorry.”

I glanced over at him. “What?”

“All of this freakish stuff is going on, and I can’t relate or help or even try to be considerate, just because of who I am. I can’t even talk right.”

I laughed. “You sound perfectly fine.”

“Yeah, but the other night, when I told you that I loved you... I don’t think it came out totally right, and I think it scared both of us.”

He looked over at me curiously, where I was frozen.

“I didn’t mean it like... that. Not yet, anyways, but that’s really awkward, so forget I just said that. I meant that I love you like... Like you’re my sister.”

“Are you lying?”

He smiled grimly. “Nope. Unfortunately, I’m stuck with you forever, though.”

My eyes grew wide. “What?!”

“NO! I mean, well, I’ve kind of already imprinted.”

I blinked, and said what I was thinking slowly. “...On me.”

“Right. But since I’m not totally Quiluette, it’s not a big deal. I just can’t leave you without getting worried sick.”

I kind of snorted. “And... Does Jacob know?”

He laughed. “Yeah, seeing as how we kind read eachother’s mind, he knows. And thinks it’s the dumbest thing he’s ever heard of. But still, he’s got no other choice but deal with it.”

“There’s just one problem.” I pointed out helpfully. “I’m not safe with you.”

Zach’s faced dropped. “Oh?”

“Not in the you-can’t-defend me way, since we’re both pretty much able to do that for ourselves, but my family is my backup, and Alice can’t see me when I’m with you...”

“...which would be always.”

“Exactly. She freaks out a little over it.”

He looked undecidedly down at the couch. “I don’t want to put you in any danger. That’s not what I’m supposed to stick around for.”

I had to smile. He thought that I didn’t want to be around him because Alice wouldn’t be able to see me. I walked over to the couch, and sat down in front of him.
“Zach, come on. I thought you knew me a little better than this.”

He looked at me, intrigued.

“Who said I didn’t want to have some fun in the way of danger? Plus, if I get to hang out with my best friend in the process, double bonus for me.”

He smiled and wrapped me in a bear hug. “You’re insane, Clara, and I’m so glad you are.”

So everything's good, and really, I'm glad. Even if the freaky whosit-purple-eyed things come back, I can't say I won't be ready for a good fight.

-Clara

In and Out? Or Out and In?

I can't breathe. I can't talk, I can't see straight, I can't function.

I spent the last week in Boston, because I thought that would help me get over this weird feeling I've had for a while, and you know what, I was right. It's gone.

But it's been replaced with total and complete pain.

My brother, the one who loved me unconditionally, was killed, along with his daughter, her husband, and their child in a wreck the second day I was there. In fact, I was at the intersection it happened in, when it happened. But I was too late. I wasn't paying attention, just trying to act like a normal human, and in that moment all of my remaining family was hit by an oncoming semi.

Why does this happen?! I know there may be no God for me, but they were the nicest people I could ever imagine living with.

I could've saved them! I could've jumped in-between the two vehicles and prevented this whole thing!

I'm a monster in more ways than one.

I stayed for their funerals, too. It was awkward, getting strange looks from people who had no clue who I was, but probably grew up with me.

"We come here today to witness the passing of Cole, Brian, Alecia, and Cody Laylan, all of who perished in an untimely death two days ago..."

Horrible. Nothing amounts to that.

I got off the plane and picked up my car, my yellow hybrid of something that Edward had gotten me when I moved from Alaska, and went to the beach for a while. Alice was most likely going to freak out, not being able to see me, and Edward would be a tad pissed, but that didn't matter. They weren't my family; I had none of that.

It was like any remaining humanity I had vanished with them.

When I finally got home, it was late, and Edward sat stoically on the porch, warily reading my face.
"Clara...?"
I shook my head, and he nodded, his expression not changing, and vanished inside, leaving me standing on the porch, my arms folded against my body.
Less than a minute later, I could hear protesting inside the house as a figure sauntered out of the house and watched me for a minute, before coming over to me and wrapping me in a hug.

I started crying, choked, tearless cries, my head buired in Zach's jacket as he whispered condolences in my hair.

For a werewolf, he was good at being incredibly human sometimes.

Inside, everyone had gone to doing their own thing, Zach carrying me up to my room. He sat me down on my bed, and just let me cry for a while, putting his jacket over me. When I finally calmed down, I pulled my knees up to my chest and let him tell me about Annora and Ryan, and everything that had gone on while I was gone. Alice hadn't, obviously, seen me coming back like this, so a party had been planned. He filled me in on what'd gone on over at La Push, and this fight Jacob had gotten into with Embry, who didn't see any problem with Zach and I being friends.

Zach ended up falling asleep in my bed, and that's where he still is.

It's strange to hear someone snoring, for once.

-Clara.

Wahk your dahg for uh quahter?

I think I might go to Boston, and stop in on my brother and his kids. I've been thinking about it, and it seems really nice to get away sometime in the near future, especailly since I'm all healed up and quicky losing my sanity anyways. Of course, Edward, etc., have all said that it wouldn't be safe --- But didn't we *just* finish everything we had to be truly afraid of off?

Yeah, so... I've been doing a lot of thinking, apparently.

Oh, and sorry about not posting sooner. It's just been a long time since I've HAD time to sit down and do this.

Anywho, Alice decided on the dresses the other day for "her lovely little rose-cheeked bridesmaids," but she won't tell us what they look like.
Obviously, we'll hate them, and possibly burn them after the ceremony as kind of an after party.

You know, I didn't think vampires could go through post-mortem depression; (After death depression, FYI). I didn't know ANYONE could actually. But it's like some inside hurt has come up and kind of swallowed me: I don't remember going to school or doing homework, I don't remember Zach coming over to hang out for a while, or even exactly what I pretended to eat for lunch. It's so freaking weird.

And the funny thing is, I don't know what I'm depressed about. I have nothing *to* be depressed about.

Today, Zach ws going to take me home, since I was wanting a little me time while Edward took Annora back to the humble abode, but as I sat in the bleachers, watching the cheerleaders, he showed up and told me that if I was going to mope, he wasn't going to let me do it in front of a bunch of jocks.
So we went to the First LaPush beach, and hung out for a while. It was actually pretty nice.

Edward came in not long after I got home, bursting in the door and doing his whole little 'ooh, I'm a vampire and I'm going to give you the vampire glare' look, crossed arms and all. I wasn't in the mood, and told him so, but he just sighed, and, to my amazement, lost the look and sat down on the bed.
"Look, I know that I'm not the best fake brother that you've ever lived with for 70-something years, but here's the deal: You can't do this whole sad thing."
I kind of gaped at him. "Sorry... What?"
"Zach talked to me for a while, and told me that you've been unusually down. I haven't actually noticed since this whole Volturri thing's been going on, but I swear to you, I haven't forgotten you or anything."
I had to laugh. "You know it's not your fault."
He frowned. "You're right -- I don't know whose fault it is; you're not thinking anything in particular that could've caused it. You're just... Sad."
And then he did the best thing he could've: He leaned over and gave me a huge hug.

Ugh, it's been too long of a day.

...It feels like THURSDAY.
And really, I'm not just saying that for want of the weekend.
SO WHY ISN'T IT?!

-Clara

Ps- Sorry for the shortness. I'm exhausted... Ha, ha.

Double Whammy.

So the other night, Annora brought home Ryan.
That was a crazy family ordeal.
She couldn't even walk or stand any closer than two feet from him, which, though I'm worried he may be more than he seems, is still a little harsh.

Anyways, today was going completely smoothly, when b-a-double-m, the doorbell rang. And as totally not ominous as that may seem, it was who was at the door that got me both grounded from close proximity to the beaches and (in the process of still being) heavily lectured from Edward.

Picture this. No lie, this is how it played out.

*doorbell rings*
Emmett: Who the hell? I thought Bella was here.
Bella: ...She is.
Emmett: Tanya's coming down next week, so this can't be that clan of freaks...
*doorbell rings again; the whole family parades downstairs except Ryan (family?), Annora, and I.*
Jasper: Does anyone actually plan on *opening* the door?
*silence.*
Edward: ...And you didn't see who this was, Alice?
Alice: Nope! But don't go all paranoid or anything. It could be Angela, trying to find Bella.
Edward: I have a sneaking suspicion it isn't for Bella at all.
*Edward opens the door, I rip off my headphones from upstairs*
Me: OH, NO.
Edward: CLARA.
Zach: Was this a really bad time?

YES. YESYESYES. YES, IT WAS.

Urgh.
Suck.

Now Edward's in here, trying to get me to explain exactly why in the whole freaking world I chose a werewolf, while I'm still trying to yell back that he's NOT MY BOYFRIEND, and I AM NOT turning into a Bella/Jacob remake.

Jerk.

Emmett just laughed at Edward a lot after Zach left, five minutes after he got to the door. Carlisle explained that I was busy, and that I'd call him after I got done doing whatever I was doing, while Rosalie tried to find a subtle way to slam the door in his face.

Thank you spank you, all my glorious family.

Anyways, I've been thinking about visiting my brother again, and seeing his grandkids; my great nephew and neice. I know it would only suck for me, seeing as how he, thinking I'm dead, has a daughter AND a neice (it's been passed on) with my same name.

But still. It may be nice to just get away from it all for a while. In fact, I'll probably head down there on Wednesday, just so I don't have to see Tanya and the crew of whore-pires again. They freak me out the way they all band together over nothing, yet get in these retarded fights about anything.

Personally, I think that, though they're "family", we shouldn't know them. I hate them.

...Something tells me the leaves would look really nice up in Boston about now, too. All I need is one of those Volturri hoods...

-Clara.

Maybe I was Wrong?

Because, uh, VAMPIRES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THOSE IMMORTAL CREATURES THAT NOTHING CAN DESTROY.

...

Jane? Alec?
I will kill you both if Edward doesn't do it first.
The rest of you scum-sucking Voterra freaks?
Yeah. You, too.

Ugh. I better start from the beginning.

Thursday night I couldn't even move from the pain I was feeling. I couldn't tell from who, or what was going on, but Edward took me from our house to Bella's as some kind of invisible alibi. Bella, not really understanding that my pain wasn't physical, all mental, tried putting cool washcloths on my forehead and humming, but Edward, hah, "read my mind", and told her it really wasn't doing anything but that I wanted to thank her anyways.
Trust me, he omitted several explicit words I thought in-between, thankfully.

Bella fell asleep, and Edward kind of moved over towards me and just told me to close my eyes, and that "Yes, I know you can't sleep; just do it." So I did. He hummed and sang to me for hours on end. I tried to cry, but obviously have no body liquid to do it with. When the pain finally stopped, he sounded, if he could be ever, exhausted. "I love you, too." he finally said, responding to my thought, and went back beside Bella.

About four in the morning, Edward woke Bella up and motioned for me to come closer, from the pallet I'd "slept" on.
"They're here." he said grimly.

I was gone. Out the window and to the fated clearing where Edward had first let Bella see his skin in the light, and met up with the rest of the family, who didn't even glance at me as I came into the area. They were focused on the other side, where among the shadows, farther than the human eye can see, were the most horrific figures one can imagine.

The Volturri were here; the newborns that Emmett, Jasper, and Edward had been talking about were here, and there was a situation that needed them.
The only thing was that we were in the way, and they wanted Bella.
"Annora's gone, too." Edward whispered in my ear, already beside us. "Alice says she was gone last night, and didn't come back."

The main thought running through my mind: Oh. Dear. LORD.

The fight broke loose, but not before Edward had to go back to Bella. Jane was eyeing me even before Emmett roared war, so, of course, I kind of had a clue what was coming.

But Jane is weak, and all of her 'family' were fighting all of mine.
So she sat there and watched.

Mid-morning, they showed up. The werewolves were here, FINALLY. Edward had obviously told Jacob, who was with them, and he'd let everyone else know, who then took their precious, sweet time to show.

The dogs rounded out beside us, the one flanked on my side grimacing as he looked over at me. Stupid animals. I always liked dogs without the human-ness, but with it? It was irritating.

And so we ALL fought. Except, once again, Jane and I. I'd helped while I could, but the pain all around the area when someone got hit or kicked - I don't think so. Jane pitched in whenever one of her clan was losing. It was grotesque pain, but obviously I was only feeling it second-hand.

That went on deep into the afternoon. No one was losing, no one was winning. A couple of the wolves had been hurt slightly, but nothing life-threatening. Jacob was one of them - his ribs and an arm were broken, leaving him useless to the cause. I was pretty sure that caused Bella to panic, leaving Edward with a heartache, poor guy.

And then, as I stood in the grass, clutching my head, an extreme pain came over my whole body. Screaming furiously, I fell to my knees and put my forehead hit the ground. Agony and suffering ripped through every nerve in my body, making me feel like I was about to explode with the feeling.
I managed to look, through color-blinded eyes, up at the small figure in front of me, and truthfully, wasn't too surprised; Jane stood there, her lips pulled back in a smirk, shiny teeth bared. But there was something different... Something...

Alec grinned at me from behind his sister, his stance completely relaxed but fully ready to kill someone - something. ME, per say.

Jane looked up distractedly, and the pain dwindled, though I still couldn't move.
"Marcus! That idiot!" She hissed, turning to Alec. "Do me a favor and finish her off."

You don't know how menacing those words sounded, even from a high-pitched, child-like voice.

Alec kneeled down by me when Jane was well on her way.
"I don't think I need to use any of my, hm, abilities on you. You're still new at this whole game, and Jane has left you in a very feeble position." He chuckled, and brushed my cheek, making me wince in unadulterated pain and hate. "It is too bad, though. You're very pretty."

He backed off as I tried to stand. There was no way he was getting the upper hand just because I was on the ground. That MORON had taken my friend; my family.

"You're one hell of a wuss, aren't you Alec? Standing behind your little sister."

That's all it took. He snarled, I tried to move but couldn't, and that was it. The last thing I heard was something that sounded like a cat being stepped on before I blacked out. Of course, seeing as how I'm writing this, I didn't die. But that's only because of one thing:

A wolf saved me.

I woke up in a bed at Billy's, next to (get this) Jacob, having to pretend I was riding motor bikes with him. They'd broken my leg, fractured one of my ribs, and broken an arm, and left me reeling in pain.
For now, the treaty was broken. Who knew how long that would last.

Carlisle told me that Zachary Creullen, one of the Quilletes, had seen Alec going nutso on me and ended fending off attacks from him for my sake. A vampire.
Suffice to say, I was confused. But hey, that could've been the morphine. It gave everything a fuzzy edge.

Yesterday, anyways, I got to meet him. HUMAN him.
And though he smells like werewolf, he keeps looking at me all strange and asking me if I'm okay.
It was weird.
Hah, Jacob was getting nauseated, though, which was almost worth it.

Luckily, I'm allowed out of bed now, though I have to walk with crutches and a bandage around my ribs.

Once again, Alec and Jane, I WILL find I was to get over the whole pain thing -- Just wait. Both of you won't exist. SOON. Especially if Annora isn't back soon.

-Clara

Once in a Lifetime...

...Means no second chance,
So I believe that you and me
Should grab it while we can...

I don't know why, but I'm sitting here on my bed, depressed. Edward knows, but I already told him off and I doubt he's coming back in sometime tonight.

Bear with me - I'm getting philosophical, here.

I was watching a movie last night with Alice, and it spurred this whole thought about second chances, and that once in a lifetime really does mean no second chances, which led me to the whole thought of Bella and the choice she was making about this whole vampire thing. I mean, I love her. I really do. We may not be as close as sisters or anything, but if losing her means losing Edward, I have to - I can't let him go.

So, remembering something about Rosalie's past, I went and talked to her. She agrees on the fact that being human is something that you can only do once, and for all of us, was something that we'd be dead without - something she wishes would've happened to her. Her whole point, I concluded from the talk, was that the things you can only do once in a lifetime become dull and pointless when you're alive eternally.

Anyways, Edward kind of overheard. And I'm pretty sure Annora would've, except that she was asleep, since she's different like that.

And now Ed's watching me 24/7, like it would make any difference. I don't plan to stop anything out of the ordinary, so Mr. Anthony-Masen Cullen, get over your bad self and quit invading my mind. It's driving me crazy! I'd almost rather go back up to Alaska, if that's what it takes!

But then again, Tanya also got on my last microscopic nerve.

Edward - Chill. Breathe. I love you. You're the only person in the world who's ever been close like a brother to me, even though we're not related at all by, hah, blood.

Ugh.
Hopefully, this excitement is over.

-Clara


Ps - Random fact: My middle name is Jezebel. As in the queen who was eaten by dogs in the bible. IRONY!

UGHH.

The week has been TOO. FREAKING. BUSY.

See this: The night from HELL.

I hate being what I am.
God, if I could cry.

Esme, as mentioned in the link, talked to me as soon as Alice could tell what happened. I knew what had happened, obviously because of Alice, but apparently I couldn't comprehend the whole situation.
When Annora came in the house, I had to race out the window, breaking it in the process, from the second floor. The blood, the pain, the everything.

I spent the night in the woods behind the house, up in a tree, fighting between fury and exhaustion, to sadness and worry.
Of course, the whole time, I had to sit there and sing the ABC's over and over in my head so Edward wouldn't hear. He needed to be with Bella, and I can take care of myself. Every now and then I'd reassure myself in my head.

Who knows, maybe he thought it was normal for me, but either way, it worked: he didn't show.

Anywho, the next day, while I still was tiredly singing the ABC's in French, my tree snapped and I ended up on the ground, yelling obscenities.
At, go figure, Emmett.

Our conversation:
Me: "What the hell are YOU doing here?"
Him: "You're up in a tree, singing the ABC's in foreign languages. Do you really want to ask me why I'm here, or are you smart enough to assume Alice saw you doing it and was too tired to come up here and knock you down herself?"
Me: "...Okay... Seeing as how I don't have many good choices there, the latter."
Him: "Good. That saves us some time, then. Get up, we're going to Alaska."

So we spent the rest of the week in Alaska, to my perfect chagrin, Emmett as my personal shadow.
And yeah, okay, I know that we're supposed to be there because Annora's in pain (sorry I wasn't there, A.) and I can't handle almost anything at the moment, but STILL. ALASKA. I came to FORKS from there because I hated it enough.

The whole time in Alaska, Emmett wouldn't even be anything but a by-my-side rock. He missed Rosalie, who was back in Forks.
I swear, he wouldn't drop the fact that he's a thousand miles away from his wife, and I'll probably hear about this for the rest of my eternal life.

But we're home now.
And Emmett's with Rose.
And I'm locked in my room.
And Annora's in pain.
And Edward's sitting on my bed, watching me type, silent and brooding. Again. He's not in a great mood with me right now for the whole French alphabet thing. Really, anything French does that to him, but since I ran off by myself to sit in a tree and did it, he's pretty furious.

A B C D E F G....

He's hearing everything I type because I'm thinking it.

And no, Edward, I still don't want to talk about it.

-Clara

Suck on THIS, You Creeps.

New vampires are horrible. Absolutely, positively, inexcusably horrible.
There's one close by.

I was lying in my bed, pretending I was sleeping, when this pure, unadulterated pain hit me like a brick in the face, starting from my foot and raging throughout my entire body as quick as you can ask why.
The hurt was so intolerable that I couldn't move. It was like I was paralyzed, colors flashing in the inside of my skull, sounds of crickets outside magnified to such levels that it was almost unbearable.

And all of the sudden, it flared up, blinding me, and then disappeared completely.

I 'woke up', per say, to Emmett and Edward standing over me, frowning. Edward had this nasty snarl on his face, and Emmett... Well, Emmett just looked worried.

"There's one close by, then." Ed said, more of a statement than a question. Those familiar lines between his eyebrows creased. "Surprise, surprise."

We don't know who it is, obviously, and Alice didn't see them coming. They have no intention of hurting us, I guess, since Alice is supposed to be watching the family, including Bella and Jacob (Bella's request... I'm still trying to avoid her. Heartache sucks.) extremely closely.

Either way, Carlisle went "hunting" for more than food, and Jacob's stalking around Bella's house. Edward left, and he's with Bella, too. Leaving her with a dog bugs him to no end, so it's probably better, but I miss him extremely.

The shopping trip is cancelled. Alice is working overtime.

Stupid, dumb, freaky things.
Even a coincidence has everyone panicking.

-Clara

Hola, Bonjour, Hey.

That last post was CARDBOARD.
Sorry for anyone who didn't think I was, um, human?

Anyways, it was probably a good thing I didn't tell everything about me all last night - I would've sounded like some kind of robot.

Okay. Where'd I leave off?... Actually, you know what, I don't even care. The internet on this thing SUCKS.

Ahha. My age.
In average human years, I'm 79, but actually, if you're amazing at math and instantly registered the dates in my last post, I'm just barely hitting that eternal age of sixteen, which amuses Edward to no end. He told me about Bella not wanting to get older, which actually, is pretty funny to me. I imagined her at thirty (if, you know, nothing happens...), desperately begging for death just because she was so old and Edward kind of froze up for a second. I'd forgotten about his canny ability to see into my head.
Hah, oops.
But he laughed afterwards, and when I apologized, he just blew it off, which bothered me if only for the fact that I'd disturbed him and the pain rolling off of him was dark and deep.
I hate depending on a single person for a family tie - I feel like the youngest which, yeah, I am... Maybe. I don't know too much about Annora, but she's pretty close to my age - I think.

Today marks a month until Bella's birthday, which has gotten Alice extremely excited, and the whole family speculating about what Alice is going to pull... But then again, Bella and Edward are getting married soon. What's surprising is that she postponed it - Not him. Except everytime he brings it up, there's no pain. He wants what Bella wants... Concerning the wedding thing. The whole changing - Well, that's another story.

Humans can be slightly dramatic. A lot.

Edward is making Alice take me shopping tomorrow. Something having to do with 'girl-y bonding, because it's not natural not to like Alice'.

Right now, I'm locked up in my room, the surround sound blasting Three Days Grace from the ceiling speakers, sprawled out on the bed.
Yeah, I have a bed. I'm just that cool.
...Or I could really like the feeling of lying down on something soft without worrying about falling off. Not that it would hurt, but it's almost habitual.
Anyways, I'm thinking about my family, and how I missed my parent's funerals. My brother, Cole, his son, Brian, and his grandson, Cody, are all still over in New York. I snuck up there to see them close to thirty years ago, way before Cody was born and Brian was divorced, just to make sure they were still there. It's so strange to see my younger brother, now 75 years-old, with his own family, looking so old, while I'm stuck at sixteen.

What's even stranger is knowing that I'll be alive when they're dead. All of them.

Oh, wow, that's depressing. Sorry, hah.

-Clara