Epitome of Lost.

“Clara?” A familiar, deep voice asked, sounding happily surprised.

“Zach?” I asked, stunned by the person next in line to me.

It had been ten years since I’d seen him, and the little curious smile he gave me made me remember why I’d loved him...

“Wow… You kept your promise; you haven’t changed.” He said bitterly.

…And why I’d had to let him go.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know. You look amazing.”

And he did; so much that it hurt. He would be almost thirty by now, and he had that look of someone who was living regularly, loving life to the fullest.

“Look, about the wedding…”

“I didn’t get married.” I interrupted, a little too quickly, and he smiled wistfully.

“I know… But… I did.”

Only then did I notice the little girl who was holding tightly onto one of his fingers, looking about four-years-old, with curly, blond hair and wide, blue and gold-flecked eyes that stared up at me intently. She looked exactly like him minus the rolls of baby fat and the fingers tucked inside of her mouth, in a frilly sleeveless shirt and tiny jean shorts, with white buckled sandals on her chubby feet.

“Oh.” I said, fighting the urge to fall over.

“But I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you… Or send you an invitation or anything.”

“Um, no, no, it’s okay. I mean, it’s your wedding.”

He smiled down at the girl, still addressing me. “Her name’s Emilie Clare…”

I couldn’t speak.

“I didn’t forget you, you know.” He said quietly. "Even after you left and I married Karmen…”

“You married Karmen?” I choked.

He looked puzzled. “Well… Yes…”

“Karmen… As in the one who used to hang around with Sam? Karmen; Jacob’s step-sister?”

“Yeah, Clara, the one and only.”

“Oh, my God.” I said, breathless.

The little girl’s eyes grew even wider.

“Ah…” Zach hesitated. “Maybe we should go see mommy, sweetheart.”

She nodded and he looked around for her as the bile crept into my mouth. Sweetheart.

“Um, so, what else is… new?” I asked, for a lack of better words.

He smiled back at me quickly. “Karmen’s expecting twins in a couple months, so we’ve been extremely busy getting the house ready and…” he sighed. “I have no idea where she is. So… How has the family been?”

I ran my fingers over my face. “I really don’t know anymore. I’m the only one who lives here now, since Ed and Bella moved away, Esme and Carlisle are in Alaska for the next hundred years, Annora and Ryan got married two years back, and Rose and Emmett are on a temporary split, both of them vacationing in Italy, dealing with business for a while, being forgotten by Forks.”

The news shocked me more than him.

He nodded for a minute, and I almost didn’t catch the nauseated expression on his face as he remarked on the next subject: “Look, I know it’s kind of abrupt, but I want to make sure you’re doing okay… You know, with the funeral and everything.”

“I’m fine, Zach… What funeral?”

“Abeline’s funeral…” He said, concernedly.

I just shrugged and shook my head. Figuring out that I didn’t know what he was talking about, he took a tentative step towards me, raw pain in his eyes.

“Abeline, Clara. Our three-month-old daughter.”


I was screaming when I woke up, clutching at blankets and pillows wildly like the kind of monster I was. I didn't need to breathe, and yet I was close to hyperventilation.

I'd never felt anything like this before - the pure panic.

Everyone but Annora was there -- Rosalie had gotten in the night before last, toting Emmett around with her and refusing to let anyone steal him away for a moment, while Jasper and Alice had been in a Monopoly championship for the last three days, fighting it out on Train Depots and Boulevards. Edward had been without Bella the last few days, as Charlie had shipped her off to some kind of camp in the mountains, leaving him worrisome and reclusive at times, and both Carlisle and Esme hadn't really changed anything from the daily routine, save for the fact that Carlisle had made the Guinness Book of World Records for number of lives saved (he only told us, though --- No one else needed to know, and we didn't need the publicity). Annora was still on the run with Ryan - No one knew where they were.

Everything had been a little screwed up.

But now, I looked around, and everyone was staring at me with horrified expressions on their faces.

I took a deep breath. "What?"

"You... Aah..." Jasper started in, not really focusing on words.

"You fell asleep." Zach said, his voice pitched strangely.

I froze, tightening my grip on the sheets. "What?"

Carlisle, ever the calm one, looked reserved and almost studious. "You reached a state of sleep that, as far as I know, isn't supposed to be available to other vampires."

"And you had a dream..." Edward said, pained, looking at Zach. "You talked a little..."

My eyes went over to Zach, who stood there looking broken, his gaze down at my foot board.

"Oh, God..." I whispered.

"Yeah. It wasn't something that we'd all exactly like to thank you for." Rosalie said bitterly.

Emmett's hand slid across the banister and landed on top of hers quickly. "It's not her fault, Rose." he noted quietly.

She shook her head and walked away, leaving the room.

Emmett sighed. "Clare, we all know that it wasn't anything that might really happen... Hopefully. But Rosalie... She's so vulnerable right now." he said apologetically, and followed his wife out the door.

Carlisle nodded at the others. "Let's just leave her alone for a while."

Halfway out the door, Jasper stopped and looked back at the one person left beside my bed. "Are you coming?"

"No," Zach sighed. "Not right now."

Jasper nodded, Alice following him, whispering words of suspicion into his ear.

The door closed, and Zach's eyes met mine, and he just watched me for a while, wordless.

Eventually, he came around the bed and sat next to me wrapping his warm fingers around mine.

"Clara..."

And that's when the second worse thing that could possibly happen, happened:

I started crying.

Cold, almost frigid tears, racing down my cheek, along my nose, and into the corners of my mouth, where they gathered and then trickled down my chin, on the covers.

I gasped and stared at the wet spots.

Zach looked overwhelmed for a minute, and just as I thought he would run away, reached out and wrapped me in a hug, pressing my face against his shoulder harshly.

"Clara, I couldn't not love you..." he whispered.

I just cried. I couldn't agree with him, and reassure him that I knew, because I didn't. It seemed so plausible... Which could've just been part of the 'haven't dreamed in over seventy years' thing.

"It felt so real," I blubbed. "You and Karmen and Abeline and..."

"Who are they?" Zach interrupted, gently pushing me back, rubbing his thumbs along my tear-streaked cheeks, making me feel like a child. "What're you talking about?"

I struggled to gain my composure. "But... I thought I talked..."

"You did," He explained, still looking slightly hurt. "You kept saying 'you don't love me' and 'my fault' over and over, practically screaming... And you said that Rose and Emmett weren't together anymore..." He tried to smile. "It was slightly enough to scare me out of bed."

"Zach... Oh, my God." I leaned into him again, sobbing. "It was so bad. You and I... We'd been married..."

He cringed.

"...No! No, that's not the bad thing... It was just... We'd split up and you'd gotten remarried... To Karmen, and had a little girl... It was ten years since I'd seen you... Our daughter..."

I tried to get the words to connect, but they wouldn't. Zach held me tightly.

"What daughter, Clare?" he said softly.

I pulled back, my hands falling into my lap limply. "Her name... Her name was Abeline... And... She was three months old... And... And... She was dead. She'd died after I..." I choked on the pain. "After I left you... And it had killed us even more...your wedding... you didn't invite me..."

Zach was horrified. "I would... I would never." He sputtered, his motions helpless.

"You didn't!" I said, crying even more. "I'm the one who ended it, because I was so afraid of you dying."

Weakly, he rubbed his eyes, and then motioned towards me. I scooted over, almost blinded by the incredible amount of liquid gathered in my eyes, and he laid my head in his lap, cradling my head, running his fingers through my hair until I calmed down enough to relax.

Turning around, my face towards his grey eyes, I sighed. "I'm so sorry."

He nodded once, not breaking eye-contact, and was quiet for a moment, as if he wasn't sure about what his words would hold for him.

"Clara, there's always a possiblity that what you dreamed... That it could be something very real."

I flinched.

"But whatever the case," he continued, slowly and with delicacy, "I would rather love you and have you leave me... and lose a child, before I would try not to love you and pretend we never had anything between us."

I smiled through the shaking that had completely overtaken my body and leaned up on my elbows to kiss him, and then lay back down next to where he followed suit, exhaling. "Thank you."

His smile was wistful. "I would say anytime, but that would be expecting more of this, so... You're welcome."

We lay there for a few minutes, not doing anything. My mind wandered to the dream, and then to the latest revelation of strange that had happened in this family - I was both sleeping and crying. Two things that were unheard of in... Well, in vampires.

I hated that word. Vampire. It reminded me of the things I'd done when I was first new to everything; new to the world that came from a single bullet to the heart.

"Zach... I've murdered people... It was a long time ago, but I... I killed. In cold blood."

He was quiet for a minute, and then sighed. "I know. Edward happened to mention some such thing before I even met you. He said that it would keep me from getting to close unless I really wanted to, so that my feelings towards you, hate or love or anything in between, would be justified."

"Oh."

"But thanks for telling me, either way."

I nodded. Lying here beside him, it didn't seem like much was wrong in the world; like Annora hadn't run away, like I hadn't completely flipped out on the family, like the Volturri and the Purple Whatevers were after us all the time - It was like I was normal and in love with someone who loved me for who I was, no matter what was going to happen.

"I love you." Zach said, as if he'd heard my thoughts.

I smiled and he kissed me.

----

"Well, you're officially a freak." were the first words out of Alice's mouth as I went downstairs. I still didn't eat human food, thank God (Annora had only stocked up on ice cream before leaving), but I had fallen asleep again.

Thankfully, I hadn't dreamed.

"Actually, you may be more of a living proof of something that I've never seen before." Carlisle said curiously, looking at me from over a book.

"And that's supposed to mean...?"

Zach was still half-asleep, eating some of Annora's ice cream, but he looked at me, concerned, from across the table. I decided then and there that no vampire could look that beautiful - ever. With his messed up hair and tired eyes, he was an angel.

"I think you may have adopted some of the DNA from one of your, ah, meals before you came to us. The glass, for one, sinking into your hand..."

"That was some kind of freak accident; there was something in the glass or... or something."

"Or it could be diamond, and you're not as non-breakable as you thought." Edward said teasingly.

"Exactly," Carlisle confirmed. "Otherwise, it would've shattered on the landing in the first place. And then there was the dreaming, and from what I hear, you've cried?"

The look on my face was enough to prove him right.

"Basically, Clara, I think you're adopting some, if not all, of the human qualities that any wom..."

"Okay, okay, no need to go there. Bad memories. But seriously... their DNA is merging with mine? After so many years?"

"It's the only probable cause I can imagine."

...Which, in Carlisle speak, is usually right.


It's been a long day, and though I don't sleep as much as, say, Zach, I'm still exhausted most of the time, which is new... And weird.

So for now, I'm going to try and make Zach sleep. He seems really disturbed, which is pretty understandable.

Humanescely,
Clara.

(Ps - ANNORA, GET YOUR ASS HOME.)

In and Out? Or Out and In?

I can't breathe. I can't talk, I can't see straight, I can't function.

I spent the last week in Boston, because I thought that would help me get over this weird feeling I've had for a while, and you know what, I was right. It's gone.

But it's been replaced with total and complete pain.

My brother, the one who loved me unconditionally, was killed, along with his daughter, her husband, and their child in a wreck the second day I was there. In fact, I was at the intersection it happened in, when it happened. But I was too late. I wasn't paying attention, just trying to act like a normal human, and in that moment all of my remaining family was hit by an oncoming semi.

Why does this happen?! I know there may be no God for me, but they were the nicest people I could ever imagine living with.

I could've saved them! I could've jumped in-between the two vehicles and prevented this whole thing!

I'm a monster in more ways than one.

I stayed for their funerals, too. It was awkward, getting strange looks from people who had no clue who I was, but probably grew up with me.

"We come here today to witness the passing of Cole, Brian, Alecia, and Cody Laylan, all of who perished in an untimely death two days ago..."

Horrible. Nothing amounts to that.

I got off the plane and picked up my car, my yellow hybrid of something that Edward had gotten me when I moved from Alaska, and went to the beach for a while. Alice was most likely going to freak out, not being able to see me, and Edward would be a tad pissed, but that didn't matter. They weren't my family; I had none of that.

It was like any remaining humanity I had vanished with them.

When I finally got home, it was late, and Edward sat stoically on the porch, warily reading my face.
"Clara...?"
I shook my head, and he nodded, his expression not changing, and vanished inside, leaving me standing on the porch, my arms folded against my body.
Less than a minute later, I could hear protesting inside the house as a figure sauntered out of the house and watched me for a minute, before coming over to me and wrapping me in a hug.

I started crying, choked, tearless cries, my head buired in Zach's jacket as he whispered condolences in my hair.

For a werewolf, he was good at being incredibly human sometimes.

Inside, everyone had gone to doing their own thing, Zach carrying me up to my room. He sat me down on my bed, and just let me cry for a while, putting his jacket over me. When I finally calmed down, I pulled my knees up to my chest and let him tell me about Annora and Ryan, and everything that had gone on while I was gone. Alice hadn't, obviously, seen me coming back like this, so a party had been planned. He filled me in on what'd gone on over at La Push, and this fight Jacob had gotten into with Embry, who didn't see any problem with Zach and I being friends.

Zach ended up falling asleep in my bed, and that's where he still is.

It's strange to hear someone snoring, for once.

-Clara.

Hola, Bonjour, Hey.

That last post was CARDBOARD.
Sorry for anyone who didn't think I was, um, human?

Anyways, it was probably a good thing I didn't tell everything about me all last night - I would've sounded like some kind of robot.

Okay. Where'd I leave off?... Actually, you know what, I don't even care. The internet on this thing SUCKS.

Ahha. My age.
In average human years, I'm 79, but actually, if you're amazing at math and instantly registered the dates in my last post, I'm just barely hitting that eternal age of sixteen, which amuses Edward to no end. He told me about Bella not wanting to get older, which actually, is pretty funny to me. I imagined her at thirty (if, you know, nothing happens...), desperately begging for death just because she was so old and Edward kind of froze up for a second. I'd forgotten about his canny ability to see into my head.
Hah, oops.
But he laughed afterwards, and when I apologized, he just blew it off, which bothered me if only for the fact that I'd disturbed him and the pain rolling off of him was dark and deep.
I hate depending on a single person for a family tie - I feel like the youngest which, yeah, I am... Maybe. I don't know too much about Annora, but she's pretty close to my age - I think.

Today marks a month until Bella's birthday, which has gotten Alice extremely excited, and the whole family speculating about what Alice is going to pull... But then again, Bella and Edward are getting married soon. What's surprising is that she postponed it - Not him. Except everytime he brings it up, there's no pain. He wants what Bella wants... Concerning the wedding thing. The whole changing - Well, that's another story.

Humans can be slightly dramatic. A lot.

Edward is making Alice take me shopping tomorrow. Something having to do with 'girl-y bonding, because it's not natural not to like Alice'.

Right now, I'm locked up in my room, the surround sound blasting Three Days Grace from the ceiling speakers, sprawled out on the bed.
Yeah, I have a bed. I'm just that cool.
...Or I could really like the feeling of lying down on something soft without worrying about falling off. Not that it would hurt, but it's almost habitual.
Anyways, I'm thinking about my family, and how I missed my parent's funerals. My brother, Cole, his son, Brian, and his grandson, Cody, are all still over in New York. I snuck up there to see them close to thirty years ago, way before Cody was born and Brian was divorced, just to make sure they were still there. It's so strange to see my younger brother, now 75 years-old, with his own family, looking so old, while I'm stuck at sixteen.

What's even stranger is knowing that I'll be alive when they're dead. All of them.

Oh, wow, that's depressing. Sorry, hah.

-Clara