Ever and Never.

Last night I dreamt about Nick. We were sitting underwater, in the ocean, just laughing at each other.

...No, I'm not on drugs. Pinky promise.

Oh, I guess I didn't post that on my blog... He moved away again. It seems that he still has family alive somewhere, most likely his step-sister. He wanted to be close to family, and really, I can't blame him.

Anyway, in the dream, he had never left, you know? Kind of like we were still friends from back when we were younger. And it wasn't a nightmare, like the Zach dream. Thank God.

I shouldn't be writing about this, I guess. Some pretty big stuff's been happening.

You know those awkward talks you hate to have but have to love later? (If confused, read again, but slowly and with another sheet of paper, if needed.) I had one of those with Zach today.

We were sitting out in the tree we'd first kissed under (Wow, that didn't sound cheesey at all...), just kind of talking about the upcoming weekend and what our families were up to. His best friend, Dhart, was actually coming over that night, and they were going to both come over on Saturday and hang out at our house. Dhart and I had met before; he was one of the werewolves with Zach that had helped save me, and it also kind of spurred on our eventual crossing since he went to school with us. He was relaxed around me, unlike his two older brothers, Malachi and Caston, who hated the idea of vampires in the first place, and had stopped talking to Zach since he'd become friends with me.

"Just... don't bring up Mal and Cast; it's kind of a personal subject that he doesn't like to talk about."

I nodded, swinging my feet back and forth off lacksadasically. "I know."

"And Jake may be swinging by for a minute to give some stuff to Bella through Edward, according to Edward's rules to Jake."

"I know."

"Yeah. If he decides to come up and talk, just kick him out, no big deal, okay?"

I raised an eyebrow, smiling at Zach. "I... Wait... You want ME to kick him out?"

Zach looked over at me in alarm, and then relaxed, seeing that I was teasing, grinning. "Obnoxious."

I nudged him playfully. "We've talked about this. Why so serious all of the sudden?"

He sighed. "I don't know, I guess it's just that I really want everyone to love you like I do, but not like I do, because then I'd have to shank them."

I went over his words for a minute, and then began laughing so hard that by the time I was able to breath again, the tears were leaking out of my eyes. "Did you really just say shank?!"

He laughed along with me. "High school vocabulary. Honestly, I couldn't think of anyway else to describe what I'd do! But seriously, Clare, I really want them to like you."

I shrugged. "It's not like it wouldn't be understandable if they didn't."

He frowned sarcastically over at me. "There's nothing wrong with you."

"I'm dead, Zach. That's usually kind of a quick turn-off."

He laughed dryly. "Still... As a person..."

"A dead person..."

He rolled his eyes. "As a DEAD person, you're not vicious or flesh-eating or completely repulsive."

"Oh, good! As long as I'm not completely repulsive...!"

He laughed quietly. "Clara, you really don't seem like you're dead, though, and I keep having a hard time reminding myself that you are."

The mood shifted in the tree from happy-go-lucky to solemn.

"Zach..." I started uneasily.

"I know, you warned me, but I just can't imagine you dying."

I shrugged. "It wasn't anything special. I just, bam, died."

"...And then cowered in pain and agnoy for days." he finished dryly.

"Well, okay, yeah, but I was passed out for a long time, you know. I didn't really feel anything too much; probably why I can do the whole 'sense pain' thing."

Zach shuddered. "Okay, ruining the completely happy moment we're currently having, are you avalible from the thirteenth to the fifteenth?"

I frowned at him. "You're not going to come over?"
is
He smiled mischeviously. "I refuse to."

"Oh, really?"

"Really. For Valentine's Day, you're all mine."

I grinned. "Kidnapping me?"

"Heck yes."

"Okay. Where to, oh thou theif of the invincible Clara?"

"That's none of the invincible Clara's worries. Her super hot Zachary has got it all planned out." he said, winking.

I was in awe.
I'd found a guy who wanted to celebrate a chocolaholic holiday with a girl who didn't eat food and thought flowers were a waste of money. But WHY?

Soon enough, it was dark outside and Zach's phone read almost ten. He kissed me goodnight and carried me out of the tree, laughing at my feeble attempts to get away.

"I hate being carried."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Princess. Would you like me to make it up to you?"

I smiled. "Stay tonight? Go to school tomorrow?"

He laughed. "I don't think so. Dhart's going to be pissed as it is that I'm three hours late - I'm not sure that he'd like hearing that I completely blew him off... Especially since the new kid is still having trouble in transition." he sighed, and then smiled evilly over at me. "Though trust me," he said, raising an eyebrow. "It is tempting."

I flipped my hair. "Tempting is in my nature."

"Thank God." He kissed me. "Anyway, I'll still be able to pick you up from school tomorrow, and we'll do whatever you want... Minus the whole 'bind Zach up and torture him for leaving'."

"Very funny. Do you realize you just ruined the whole aspect of what I had planned?"

He grinned. "Sorry - life kind of sucks in that way."

He left after dropping me by the house - like I needed an escort - and headed over to his house, the one he hadn't spent too many nights in since he'd met me. Not that we would ever do anything, you know. Just sleep. But that was good; we were mutual on that whole thing.

After all, when dreaming came down to it, some times sleeping was pretty fun.

At home, we were back to discussing the upcoming holiday - Edward had brought it up. He was pacing the room as everyone else sat around and calmly laughed at him.

"It's such a fickle holiday!" he exclaimed.

"Girls love "fickle" holidays, Ed." Jasper chimed in. "Alice and I already have plans, in fact."

Edward shot him a look. "There's the problem; I need to take her somewhere special."

"Why not back to the meadow? She loves that place." Rosalie threw in, looking somewhat disgusted and touched at the same time, if that was even possible. "Em and I are just staying home, watching some scary movies, and then... Ha."

Her eyes landed on me and she smiled wickedly. "Toning the coversation back down, Emmett and I will be having a lovely boring evening at home that will not involve anything about a bed."

"You're horrid." I said dryly. "I don't want to know about your love life."

"You love it." Emmett retorted to me, walking into the room, hugging her. "But agreed - Let's keep that to ourselves."

I shivered.

"I can't use the meadow again." Edward said blandly. "I want this to be really special - the wedding's been postponed again and again, and there's not a great enough way to make that up to her, but I want to try."

He sighed and looked over at me, a frustrated look on his face. "Where have you been?"

"With Zach. He's not coming over tonight."

Edward nodded, and then looked thoughtful, a playful look growing on his face. "So do you two have any plans for Valentine's Day?"

I snorted. "Yes."

Edward started laughing loudly, thunderous booms scaring the rest of the family.

"What the hell...?" Mumbled Emmett.

I groaned. "I hate Valentine's Day. The whole essence of it drives me crazy."

He looked amused. "No lie?"

"No, actually, she's not." Edward supplied happily. "The year I knew her before she was changed, she explained that if she was changed, she'd gladly give up chocolates and flowers, because she wasn't fond of either."

"You don't like CHOCOLATE?!"

I nodded. "Hate the stuff. It's not like I'd eat it anyway, though, with the whole 'dead' vibe going on."

"Or flowers."

"Right."

"But flowers are pretty!" Alice chirped.

"I know! But they die so quickly... And I have a bad history with them."

"Oh, PLEASE. Clara Elizabeth Jezabel, you're just trying to be dramatic!" Rosalie exclaimed.

"No, really." Edward said, quietly amused. "I brought her flowers the day I left."

"Which, incidentally, was the day that I died." I filled in. "They were gorgeous, blood red roses, but I was in so much pain that I can't stand them anymore."

"Oh my God, you're weird." Emmett pointed out.

"It's still no reason to call me your God, Em." I said teasingly.

He cracked a smile. "Loser."

Edward went back to thinking of plans, and glanced up at me as I tried to sneak away into my room.

"Hey, so if you're not going anywhere, maybe you two and Bella and I..."

I sighed. "No. You need to be with Bella by yourself. Plus, like I said, I have plans. Zach's stealing me for three days."

Edward's eyes turned dark. "What?"

"We're just going to hang out somewhere, Ed. Don't flip out."

He shook his head. "That's why he's been humming.

"...Pardon?"

The doorbell rang, and I jumped up to get it. "All of you, shut up and behave."

"Psh, whatever." Alice said haughtily.

I took a breath to calm me down. "Okay. Here we go. Dhart and Zach."

Pulling open the door, smiling brightly, I was tackled by a huge werewolf bulk in a hug.

"Zach! Jeez!"

He laughed, planting a kiss on my cheek. "Sorry. I missed you."

I grinned. "I missed you, too."

He stepped inside, another figure trailing him in.

"Hi, you're Clara, then?"

I nodded, shaking his hand. "And you must be Dhart."

He was pretty cute, but most of them were, from what I'd seen. He had dark eyes, with the same color hair that hung in his eyes, dressed in baggy jeans and a 'Wickedosity' tee-shirt, with a slightly questioning smile.

"Right." He looked down at my hand, curious. "So it's true then?"

Zach raised his eyebrows.

"You're a..."

"Vampire. Yep." I smiled. "Pretty weird, hm?"

He kind of laughed. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess so."

"Anyway..." Zach said, shooting his friend a look. "We were just going to watch some movies and hang out over here..."

"Sounds cool." Dhart said politely. "Thanks for inviting me to come with him, Clara."

I nodded. "You're welcome, though you really don't need to much of an invitation. It's kind of an open house."

He smiled again, like he thought I was strange.

Luckily, I was used to it.

"Okay," Zach said as we headed into the living room. "Shooter or Bourne?"

"I'm more toward Shooter, but only because it's got Kate Mara in it. I love her." I noted, shrugging.

Meanwhile, Dhart had stopped dead in his tracks.

"Hello." Edward said amusedly from the corner of the room. "Nice to see you again."

I could tell Dhart was trying not to growl, his eyes on my so-called brother. "Are you actually related to her, or are you here just to piss me off?"

"Neither. I live here, but I'm not actually blood relation, if you'll pardon the pun. None of us are. But I thought you knew this by now...?"

I groaned. It was going to be a long night.

And truly, it was. It stretched out until ten, after we finished watching the movie, Zach and Dhart sitting awkwardly on the couch while I curled up on the loveseat, Dhart still nervous about being around me. As both of them put on their jackets, Dhart already heading out the door, Zach leaned down and kissed me.

"I'm sorry." He said wistfully.

"No, I'm sorry. 'Gracious host' is not on my list of perfected abilities."

"He could have been a little more poised."

I shrugged, trying to look neutral. "It doesn't matter."

He kissed me again, wrapping his arms around me. "Two more days and I'll kidnap you. Just the two of us. No worries, okay?"

I sighed, leaning into him. "Okay. I love you."

He smiled, stalling at the doorway. "I love you more."

So pretty much, I'll have to post more soon. I'm already tired (It's such a strange feeling!) and might actually be tempted to crash before midnight.

Your personal kidnap-ee,
Clara

Epitome of Lost.

“Clara?” A familiar, deep voice asked, sounding happily surprised.

“Zach?” I asked, stunned by the person next in line to me.

It had been ten years since I’d seen him, and the little curious smile he gave me made me remember why I’d loved him...

“Wow… You kept your promise; you haven’t changed.” He said bitterly.

…And why I’d had to let him go.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know. You look amazing.”

And he did; so much that it hurt. He would be almost thirty by now, and he had that look of someone who was living regularly, loving life to the fullest.

“Look, about the wedding…”

“I didn’t get married.” I interrupted, a little too quickly, and he smiled wistfully.

“I know… But… I did.”

Only then did I notice the little girl who was holding tightly onto one of his fingers, looking about four-years-old, with curly, blond hair and wide, blue and gold-flecked eyes that stared up at me intently. She looked exactly like him minus the rolls of baby fat and the fingers tucked inside of her mouth, in a frilly sleeveless shirt and tiny jean shorts, with white buckled sandals on her chubby feet.

“Oh.” I said, fighting the urge to fall over.

“But I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you… Or send you an invitation or anything.”

“Um, no, no, it’s okay. I mean, it’s your wedding.”

He smiled down at the girl, still addressing me. “Her name’s Emilie Clare…”

I couldn’t speak.

“I didn’t forget you, you know.” He said quietly. "Even after you left and I married Karmen…”

“You married Karmen?” I choked.

He looked puzzled. “Well… Yes…”

“Karmen… As in the one who used to hang around with Sam? Karmen; Jacob’s step-sister?”

“Yeah, Clara, the one and only.”

“Oh, my God.” I said, breathless.

The little girl’s eyes grew even wider.

“Ah…” Zach hesitated. “Maybe we should go see mommy, sweetheart.”

She nodded and he looked around for her as the bile crept into my mouth. Sweetheart.

“Um, so, what else is… new?” I asked, for a lack of better words.

He smiled back at me quickly. “Karmen’s expecting twins in a couple months, so we’ve been extremely busy getting the house ready and…” he sighed. “I have no idea where she is. So… How has the family been?”

I ran my fingers over my face. “I really don’t know anymore. I’m the only one who lives here now, since Ed and Bella moved away, Esme and Carlisle are in Alaska for the next hundred years, Annora and Ryan got married two years back, and Rose and Emmett are on a temporary split, both of them vacationing in Italy, dealing with business for a while, being forgotten by Forks.”

The news shocked me more than him.

He nodded for a minute, and I almost didn’t catch the nauseated expression on his face as he remarked on the next subject: “Look, I know it’s kind of abrupt, but I want to make sure you’re doing okay… You know, with the funeral and everything.”

“I’m fine, Zach… What funeral?”

“Abeline’s funeral…” He said, concernedly.

I just shrugged and shook my head. Figuring out that I didn’t know what he was talking about, he took a tentative step towards me, raw pain in his eyes.

“Abeline, Clara. Our three-month-old daughter.”


I was screaming when I woke up, clutching at blankets and pillows wildly like the kind of monster I was. I didn't need to breathe, and yet I was close to hyperventilation.

I'd never felt anything like this before - the pure panic.

Everyone but Annora was there -- Rosalie had gotten in the night before last, toting Emmett around with her and refusing to let anyone steal him away for a moment, while Jasper and Alice had been in a Monopoly championship for the last three days, fighting it out on Train Depots and Boulevards. Edward had been without Bella the last few days, as Charlie had shipped her off to some kind of camp in the mountains, leaving him worrisome and reclusive at times, and both Carlisle and Esme hadn't really changed anything from the daily routine, save for the fact that Carlisle had made the Guinness Book of World Records for number of lives saved (he only told us, though --- No one else needed to know, and we didn't need the publicity). Annora was still on the run with Ryan - No one knew where they were.

Everything had been a little screwed up.

But now, I looked around, and everyone was staring at me with horrified expressions on their faces.

I took a deep breath. "What?"

"You... Aah..." Jasper started in, not really focusing on words.

"You fell asleep." Zach said, his voice pitched strangely.

I froze, tightening my grip on the sheets. "What?"

Carlisle, ever the calm one, looked reserved and almost studious. "You reached a state of sleep that, as far as I know, isn't supposed to be available to other vampires."

"And you had a dream..." Edward said, pained, looking at Zach. "You talked a little..."

My eyes went over to Zach, who stood there looking broken, his gaze down at my foot board.

"Oh, God..." I whispered.

"Yeah. It wasn't something that we'd all exactly like to thank you for." Rosalie said bitterly.

Emmett's hand slid across the banister and landed on top of hers quickly. "It's not her fault, Rose." he noted quietly.

She shook her head and walked away, leaving the room.

Emmett sighed. "Clare, we all know that it wasn't anything that might really happen... Hopefully. But Rosalie... She's so vulnerable right now." he said apologetically, and followed his wife out the door.

Carlisle nodded at the others. "Let's just leave her alone for a while."

Halfway out the door, Jasper stopped and looked back at the one person left beside my bed. "Are you coming?"

"No," Zach sighed. "Not right now."

Jasper nodded, Alice following him, whispering words of suspicion into his ear.

The door closed, and Zach's eyes met mine, and he just watched me for a while, wordless.

Eventually, he came around the bed and sat next to me wrapping his warm fingers around mine.

"Clara..."

And that's when the second worse thing that could possibly happen, happened:

I started crying.

Cold, almost frigid tears, racing down my cheek, along my nose, and into the corners of my mouth, where they gathered and then trickled down my chin, on the covers.

I gasped and stared at the wet spots.

Zach looked overwhelmed for a minute, and just as I thought he would run away, reached out and wrapped me in a hug, pressing my face against his shoulder harshly.

"Clara, I couldn't not love you..." he whispered.

I just cried. I couldn't agree with him, and reassure him that I knew, because I didn't. It seemed so plausible... Which could've just been part of the 'haven't dreamed in over seventy years' thing.

"It felt so real," I blubbed. "You and Karmen and Abeline and..."

"Who are they?" Zach interrupted, gently pushing me back, rubbing his thumbs along my tear-streaked cheeks, making me feel like a child. "What're you talking about?"

I struggled to gain my composure. "But... I thought I talked..."

"You did," He explained, still looking slightly hurt. "You kept saying 'you don't love me' and 'my fault' over and over, practically screaming... And you said that Rose and Emmett weren't together anymore..." He tried to smile. "It was slightly enough to scare me out of bed."

"Zach... Oh, my God." I leaned into him again, sobbing. "It was so bad. You and I... We'd been married..."

He cringed.

"...No! No, that's not the bad thing... It was just... We'd split up and you'd gotten remarried... To Karmen, and had a little girl... It was ten years since I'd seen you... Our daughter..."

I tried to get the words to connect, but they wouldn't. Zach held me tightly.

"What daughter, Clare?" he said softly.

I pulled back, my hands falling into my lap limply. "Her name... Her name was Abeline... And... She was three months old... And... And... She was dead. She'd died after I..." I choked on the pain. "After I left you... And it had killed us even more...your wedding... you didn't invite me..."

Zach was horrified. "I would... I would never." He sputtered, his motions helpless.

"You didn't!" I said, crying even more. "I'm the one who ended it, because I was so afraid of you dying."

Weakly, he rubbed his eyes, and then motioned towards me. I scooted over, almost blinded by the incredible amount of liquid gathered in my eyes, and he laid my head in his lap, cradling my head, running his fingers through my hair until I calmed down enough to relax.

Turning around, my face towards his grey eyes, I sighed. "I'm so sorry."

He nodded once, not breaking eye-contact, and was quiet for a moment, as if he wasn't sure about what his words would hold for him.

"Clara, there's always a possiblity that what you dreamed... That it could be something very real."

I flinched.

"But whatever the case," he continued, slowly and with delicacy, "I would rather love you and have you leave me... and lose a child, before I would try not to love you and pretend we never had anything between us."

I smiled through the shaking that had completely overtaken my body and leaned up on my elbows to kiss him, and then lay back down next to where he followed suit, exhaling. "Thank you."

His smile was wistful. "I would say anytime, but that would be expecting more of this, so... You're welcome."

We lay there for a few minutes, not doing anything. My mind wandered to the dream, and then to the latest revelation of strange that had happened in this family - I was both sleeping and crying. Two things that were unheard of in... Well, in vampires.

I hated that word. Vampire. It reminded me of the things I'd done when I was first new to everything; new to the world that came from a single bullet to the heart.

"Zach... I've murdered people... It was a long time ago, but I... I killed. In cold blood."

He was quiet for a minute, and then sighed. "I know. Edward happened to mention some such thing before I even met you. He said that it would keep me from getting to close unless I really wanted to, so that my feelings towards you, hate or love or anything in between, would be justified."

"Oh."

"But thanks for telling me, either way."

I nodded. Lying here beside him, it didn't seem like much was wrong in the world; like Annora hadn't run away, like I hadn't completely flipped out on the family, like the Volturri and the Purple Whatevers were after us all the time - It was like I was normal and in love with someone who loved me for who I was, no matter what was going to happen.

"I love you." Zach said, as if he'd heard my thoughts.

I smiled and he kissed me.

----

"Well, you're officially a freak." were the first words out of Alice's mouth as I went downstairs. I still didn't eat human food, thank God (Annora had only stocked up on ice cream before leaving), but I had fallen asleep again.

Thankfully, I hadn't dreamed.

"Actually, you may be more of a living proof of something that I've never seen before." Carlisle said curiously, looking at me from over a book.

"And that's supposed to mean...?"

Zach was still half-asleep, eating some of Annora's ice cream, but he looked at me, concerned, from across the table. I decided then and there that no vampire could look that beautiful - ever. With his messed up hair and tired eyes, he was an angel.

"I think you may have adopted some of the DNA from one of your, ah, meals before you came to us. The glass, for one, sinking into your hand..."

"That was some kind of freak accident; there was something in the glass or... or something."

"Or it could be diamond, and you're not as non-breakable as you thought." Edward said teasingly.

"Exactly," Carlisle confirmed. "Otherwise, it would've shattered on the landing in the first place. And then there was the dreaming, and from what I hear, you've cried?"

The look on my face was enough to prove him right.

"Basically, Clara, I think you're adopting some, if not all, of the human qualities that any wom..."

"Okay, okay, no need to go there. Bad memories. But seriously... their DNA is merging with mine? After so many years?"

"It's the only probable cause I can imagine."

...Which, in Carlisle speak, is usually right.


It's been a long day, and though I don't sleep as much as, say, Zach, I'm still exhausted most of the time, which is new... And weird.

So for now, I'm going to try and make Zach sleep. He seems really disturbed, which is pretty understandable.

Humanescely,
Clara.

(Ps - ANNORA, GET YOUR ASS HOME.)