Ever and Never.

Last night I dreamt about Nick. We were sitting underwater, in the ocean, just laughing at each other.

...No, I'm not on drugs. Pinky promise.

Oh, I guess I didn't post that on my blog... He moved away again. It seems that he still has family alive somewhere, most likely his step-sister. He wanted to be close to family, and really, I can't blame him.

Anyway, in the dream, he had never left, you know? Kind of like we were still friends from back when we were younger. And it wasn't a nightmare, like the Zach dream. Thank God.

I shouldn't be writing about this, I guess. Some pretty big stuff's been happening.

You know those awkward talks you hate to have but have to love later? (If confused, read again, but slowly and with another sheet of paper, if needed.) I had one of those with Zach today.

We were sitting out in the tree we'd first kissed under (Wow, that didn't sound cheesey at all...), just kind of talking about the upcoming weekend and what our families were up to. His best friend, Dhart, was actually coming over that night, and they were going to both come over on Saturday and hang out at our house. Dhart and I had met before; he was one of the werewolves with Zach that had helped save me, and it also kind of spurred on our eventual crossing since he went to school with us. He was relaxed around me, unlike his two older brothers, Malachi and Caston, who hated the idea of vampires in the first place, and had stopped talking to Zach since he'd become friends with me.

"Just... don't bring up Mal and Cast; it's kind of a personal subject that he doesn't like to talk about."

I nodded, swinging my feet back and forth off lacksadasically. "I know."

"And Jake may be swinging by for a minute to give some stuff to Bella through Edward, according to Edward's rules to Jake."

"I know."

"Yeah. If he decides to come up and talk, just kick him out, no big deal, okay?"

I raised an eyebrow, smiling at Zach. "I... Wait... You want ME to kick him out?"

Zach looked over at me in alarm, and then relaxed, seeing that I was teasing, grinning. "Obnoxious."

I nudged him playfully. "We've talked about this. Why so serious all of the sudden?"

He sighed. "I don't know, I guess it's just that I really want everyone to love you like I do, but not like I do, because then I'd have to shank them."

I went over his words for a minute, and then began laughing so hard that by the time I was able to breath again, the tears were leaking out of my eyes. "Did you really just say shank?!"

He laughed along with me. "High school vocabulary. Honestly, I couldn't think of anyway else to describe what I'd do! But seriously, Clare, I really want them to like you."

I shrugged. "It's not like it wouldn't be understandable if they didn't."

He frowned sarcastically over at me. "There's nothing wrong with you."

"I'm dead, Zach. That's usually kind of a quick turn-off."

He laughed dryly. "Still... As a person..."

"A dead person..."

He rolled his eyes. "As a DEAD person, you're not vicious or flesh-eating or completely repulsive."

"Oh, good! As long as I'm not completely repulsive...!"

He laughed quietly. "Clara, you really don't seem like you're dead, though, and I keep having a hard time reminding myself that you are."

The mood shifted in the tree from happy-go-lucky to solemn.

"Zach..." I started uneasily.

"I know, you warned me, but I just can't imagine you dying."

I shrugged. "It wasn't anything special. I just, bam, died."

"...And then cowered in pain and agnoy for days." he finished dryly.

"Well, okay, yeah, but I was passed out for a long time, you know. I didn't really feel anything too much; probably why I can do the whole 'sense pain' thing."

Zach shuddered. "Okay, ruining the completely happy moment we're currently having, are you avalible from the thirteenth to the fifteenth?"

I frowned at him. "You're not going to come over?"
is
He smiled mischeviously. "I refuse to."

"Oh, really?"

"Really. For Valentine's Day, you're all mine."

I grinned. "Kidnapping me?"

"Heck yes."

"Okay. Where to, oh thou theif of the invincible Clara?"

"That's none of the invincible Clara's worries. Her super hot Zachary has got it all planned out." he said, winking.

I was in awe.
I'd found a guy who wanted to celebrate a chocolaholic holiday with a girl who didn't eat food and thought flowers were a waste of money. But WHY?

Soon enough, it was dark outside and Zach's phone read almost ten. He kissed me goodnight and carried me out of the tree, laughing at my feeble attempts to get away.

"I hate being carried."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Princess. Would you like me to make it up to you?"

I smiled. "Stay tonight? Go to school tomorrow?"

He laughed. "I don't think so. Dhart's going to be pissed as it is that I'm three hours late - I'm not sure that he'd like hearing that I completely blew him off... Especially since the new kid is still having trouble in transition." he sighed, and then smiled evilly over at me. "Though trust me," he said, raising an eyebrow. "It is tempting."

I flipped my hair. "Tempting is in my nature."

"Thank God." He kissed me. "Anyway, I'll still be able to pick you up from school tomorrow, and we'll do whatever you want... Minus the whole 'bind Zach up and torture him for leaving'."

"Very funny. Do you realize you just ruined the whole aspect of what I had planned?"

He grinned. "Sorry - life kind of sucks in that way."

He left after dropping me by the house - like I needed an escort - and headed over to his house, the one he hadn't spent too many nights in since he'd met me. Not that we would ever do anything, you know. Just sleep. But that was good; we were mutual on that whole thing.

After all, when dreaming came down to it, some times sleeping was pretty fun.

At home, we were back to discussing the upcoming holiday - Edward had brought it up. He was pacing the room as everyone else sat around and calmly laughed at him.

"It's such a fickle holiday!" he exclaimed.

"Girls love "fickle" holidays, Ed." Jasper chimed in. "Alice and I already have plans, in fact."

Edward shot him a look. "There's the problem; I need to take her somewhere special."

"Why not back to the meadow? She loves that place." Rosalie threw in, looking somewhat disgusted and touched at the same time, if that was even possible. "Em and I are just staying home, watching some scary movies, and then... Ha."

Her eyes landed on me and she smiled wickedly. "Toning the coversation back down, Emmett and I will be having a lovely boring evening at home that will not involve anything about a bed."

"You're horrid." I said dryly. "I don't want to know about your love life."

"You love it." Emmett retorted to me, walking into the room, hugging her. "But agreed - Let's keep that to ourselves."

I shivered.

"I can't use the meadow again." Edward said blandly. "I want this to be really special - the wedding's been postponed again and again, and there's not a great enough way to make that up to her, but I want to try."

He sighed and looked over at me, a frustrated look on his face. "Where have you been?"

"With Zach. He's not coming over tonight."

Edward nodded, and then looked thoughtful, a playful look growing on his face. "So do you two have any plans for Valentine's Day?"

I snorted. "Yes."

Edward started laughing loudly, thunderous booms scaring the rest of the family.

"What the hell...?" Mumbled Emmett.

I groaned. "I hate Valentine's Day. The whole essence of it drives me crazy."

He looked amused. "No lie?"

"No, actually, she's not." Edward supplied happily. "The year I knew her before she was changed, she explained that if she was changed, she'd gladly give up chocolates and flowers, because she wasn't fond of either."

"You don't like CHOCOLATE?!"

I nodded. "Hate the stuff. It's not like I'd eat it anyway, though, with the whole 'dead' vibe going on."

"Or flowers."

"Right."

"But flowers are pretty!" Alice chirped.

"I know! But they die so quickly... And I have a bad history with them."

"Oh, PLEASE. Clara Elizabeth Jezabel, you're just trying to be dramatic!" Rosalie exclaimed.

"No, really." Edward said, quietly amused. "I brought her flowers the day I left."

"Which, incidentally, was the day that I died." I filled in. "They were gorgeous, blood red roses, but I was in so much pain that I can't stand them anymore."

"Oh my God, you're weird." Emmett pointed out.

"It's still no reason to call me your God, Em." I said teasingly.

He cracked a smile. "Loser."

Edward went back to thinking of plans, and glanced up at me as I tried to sneak away into my room.

"Hey, so if you're not going anywhere, maybe you two and Bella and I..."

I sighed. "No. You need to be with Bella by yourself. Plus, like I said, I have plans. Zach's stealing me for three days."

Edward's eyes turned dark. "What?"

"We're just going to hang out somewhere, Ed. Don't flip out."

He shook his head. "That's why he's been humming.

"...Pardon?"

The doorbell rang, and I jumped up to get it. "All of you, shut up and behave."

"Psh, whatever." Alice said haughtily.

I took a breath to calm me down. "Okay. Here we go. Dhart and Zach."

Pulling open the door, smiling brightly, I was tackled by a huge werewolf bulk in a hug.

"Zach! Jeez!"

He laughed, planting a kiss on my cheek. "Sorry. I missed you."

I grinned. "I missed you, too."

He stepped inside, another figure trailing him in.

"Hi, you're Clara, then?"

I nodded, shaking his hand. "And you must be Dhart."

He was pretty cute, but most of them were, from what I'd seen. He had dark eyes, with the same color hair that hung in his eyes, dressed in baggy jeans and a 'Wickedosity' tee-shirt, with a slightly questioning smile.

"Right." He looked down at my hand, curious. "So it's true then?"

Zach raised his eyebrows.

"You're a..."

"Vampire. Yep." I smiled. "Pretty weird, hm?"

He kind of laughed. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess so."

"Anyway..." Zach said, shooting his friend a look. "We were just going to watch some movies and hang out over here..."

"Sounds cool." Dhart said politely. "Thanks for inviting me to come with him, Clara."

I nodded. "You're welcome, though you really don't need to much of an invitation. It's kind of an open house."

He smiled again, like he thought I was strange.

Luckily, I was used to it.

"Okay," Zach said as we headed into the living room. "Shooter or Bourne?"

"I'm more toward Shooter, but only because it's got Kate Mara in it. I love her." I noted, shrugging.

Meanwhile, Dhart had stopped dead in his tracks.

"Hello." Edward said amusedly from the corner of the room. "Nice to see you again."

I could tell Dhart was trying not to growl, his eyes on my so-called brother. "Are you actually related to her, or are you here just to piss me off?"

"Neither. I live here, but I'm not actually blood relation, if you'll pardon the pun. None of us are. But I thought you knew this by now...?"

I groaned. It was going to be a long night.

And truly, it was. It stretched out until ten, after we finished watching the movie, Zach and Dhart sitting awkwardly on the couch while I curled up on the loveseat, Dhart still nervous about being around me. As both of them put on their jackets, Dhart already heading out the door, Zach leaned down and kissed me.

"I'm sorry." He said wistfully.

"No, I'm sorry. 'Gracious host' is not on my list of perfected abilities."

"He could have been a little more poised."

I shrugged, trying to look neutral. "It doesn't matter."

He kissed me again, wrapping his arms around me. "Two more days and I'll kidnap you. Just the two of us. No worries, okay?"

I sighed, leaning into him. "Okay. I love you."

He smiled, stalling at the doorway. "I love you more."

So pretty much, I'll have to post more soon. I'm already tired (It's such a strange feeling!) and might actually be tempted to crash before midnight.

Your personal kidnap-ee,
Clara

Happy Birthday to You...

I’m going to be disowned, and I’ll deserve so much worse than that if they ever know the whole story. Oh, God, help me.

And today? Today’s my birthday.
My eightieth, in the real sense. As for my cover? I’m seventeen.

Five days ago, I was as close to okay as I was bound to get.

Wednesday didn’t start out any differently from any other day. It was basically just school without talking to anyone (including Zach, who’s actually able to get colds, I found out), and going home with Edward.
But it wasn’t like before.
Whereas Edward usually talks, or makes ME talk, he was completely quiet and ignored all of my dumb attempts at conversation. He didn’t look happy at all, and to tell the truth, if I was him and my girlfriend was constantly in danger from both clumsiness and/or vampiric death, I wouldn’t be happy to pick up my sister either. But when I brought that up, trying to get him to admit he was worrying, he just frowned deeply and shook his head, looking at me intensely with steely eyes.

You think I would’ve guessed that something going on, concerning me. But no. I’m not that bright.

For the rest of the week, Edward was always around me, refusing to talk and seeming furious, looking like more like an angry god than an angel. I caught him near me constantly, even in the middle of the night, when he’d come in, claiming to be looking for something, giving me a hateful look while he “searched.”

Finally, last night, I just locked him out of my room, end of story.

He was mad, and he made me promise to come down every two point five hours or he’d break the door in, but really, whatever got him off of my back was perfect for me.

And five minutes after I was perfectly sure that he was gone, I was back to listening to my music, finishing up an end-of-semester report for Zoology. I hated the class, because I was learning about all of my food and really had no intention of working with animals in the future.

It was like learning that your applesauce can actually cry for it’s counterparts or develop AIDS.

But then again, Annora had talked me into taking it, just because she was hoping that maybe it would increase my want to get off of a blood-diet, which unfortunately, is not going to happen anytime ever, and I wasn’t in a mood to disagree with her.

As I worked, I heard timy taps, like branches rubbing against my window. But seeing as how there were no trees around, it was obviously my favorite person in the world, coming to see me in the middle of the night, when he was supposed to be sleeping.

The sound would’ve gotten to Edward, who might as well have been sitting outside of my door, so I opened the window.

“Shhs, Zach! Two seconds!”

I got no response, but I reclosed the window just in time to hear Edward. “Clara, what’s going on?”

I groaned dramatically, and lied, since he was so exhausted and wasn’t trying to listen in on my thoughts. “I was figiting. But lighten up, Ed. Just because I’m playing pick-up with my pencils doesn’t mean someone’s coming to eat me.” I smiled. Zach was about the closest thing to dangerous I had at the moment, and though he probably actually could eat me, I kind of doubted it.

“Whatever. Just be careful.”

“I’m in my ROOM, with locked EVERYTHING.”

“Still... Just do it.”

I heard him sigh and leave, then went over to the window and reopened it. “Okay, you’re clear. But are you retarded?! Edward could hear that!” I whispered.

I heard him chuckle, and I smiled, going back to my paper.

I heard him climb through the window, and I started saving the document and printing a copy out. “Okay, so what are you doing in the middle of the...”

I turned around to face him, and my breath caught.

“Hey, Clarabelle.” Tender eyes looked at me forlornly, the whispering voice coming from pink lips seeming almost playful. “Happy Birthday.”

I stared at him for a minute, and then tried to throw up.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Clara. She believed that love could save her, and that the most innocent and pure love could be found in youth, which, don’t get her wrong, can. But with youth also comes stupidity, and with stupidity comes no space for big mistakes.
And unfortunately enough, Clara made a big mistake: She fell in love with the perfect guy.

All of the sudden, I was close to hyperventilating, and I didn’t even really have to breathe.

He stood there and smiled at me. “I’m not here to hurt you.”

I stared at him with wide eyes that wouldn’t seem to close. “You’re not here. You... You can’t be.”

“Okay, or maybe I am, if this is how you really feel towards me. So let me rephrase: I’m not here to purposely hurt you.” He said, sighing.

Nicholas was charming, sweet, and loved her unconditionally, and soon enough, in the last year of high school, he proposed. She, being the idiot that she was, said yes, and the date was set: December 18, 1944 --- Just under a month after she would turn seventeen. He, himself, was eighteen and a loner kid who had been overlooked by so many eyes who were looking for a “good” husband. That’s not to say that he wasn’t beautiful, though. With light grey eyes and hair so dark brown that it looked indescernable from the darkest black.

I couldn’t have gotten out of the office chair had I tried. All of my super vampiriky strength had completely left me.

But not in the literal sense. Oh, no. This guy could do more than that, and I knew it.

“So,” he said, still smiling softly, sitting down on my couch. “Who’s Zach?”

“You have to leave...” I whispered. “You... You’re not supposed to... I can’t... I’m...”

“Dead.” He sighed. “I know.”

But two months before the wedding, Clara disappeared without a note, sign, or any evidence at all. Alerts were issued and the police were called in, but finding nothing, called off soon. The boy was destitute and heartbroken, not eating or seeing anyone until they could find her.

They never did.

My breathing came in ragged gasps, like I was grasping for something normal and human to hold on to while this was happening. It was a dream; a nightmare that I’d lived over and over for years on end.

“How?” I choked out. “How did this happen? Why are you still...” It dawned on me, and I wretched again. “No. Oh, no. You’re not, and this can’t be!”

He took a shuddering breath, and I could almost taste his pain. It wasn’t anything that was physically killing him, but the emotional feel for the situation he’d just thrown himself in was insane. It was like suicide.

But, seeing as how he’d changed, pun intended, he wouldn’t be killed that easily.

“I knew what happened to you, but I wasn’t just going to walk up to you and say ‘hey, Clare, it’s still me, and it can still be like old times.’ You were beautiful and you were something that scared me even more than my own immortality.”

The memorial grew grey and cold, and was set to rest with a pointless headstone. Clara was the ghost who haunted every hall with her memory and who’s story inspired hundreds to not go out at night. She was a nightmare for everyone. And just outside Denali National Park, the one girl who she haunted consistantly, every waking moment of every waking day, lived.

I stood up, shaky still. “I can’t do this.” I gasped. “I need... I need Edward.”

The sad smile left his face in place of a lonely, knowing look as he nodded his consent. He’d never been one to run away.

“That’s okay, Clara. I understand. Just...” He hesitated, and I felt like I was going to explode. “Just remember, okay?” The sad smile was back, and if I wasn’t completely freaked out about seeing the eternally preserved eighteen-year-old in my room, I would’ve started crying and...

I don’t even want to think about it.

“So is this what your ability is?” I accused him. “Convincing people to see things how you did? Because we already have a person who can do that, and I don’t need any more of it.”

He frowned. “Abilities?”

A sob escaped, the tears dried up before I’d ever wanted to cry them, and his face grew dim.

“Clara...” He looked like he was fighting something, and then he came to where I now sat in a pile on the floor on my knees, and wrapped his arms around me. “Clara... Shhh... It’s okay swe-.... It’s... It’ll be okay. I’m so sorry....” he whispered.

It killed me for him to be doing this. Cold skin againist cold skin created something strange, and a feeling of uttermost misplacement. I was supposed to be warm; he was supposed to be warm. And by now, we were supposed to...

NO!

I pulled away. “I don’t... I can’t.”

He gave me a sideways smile. “I knew and know.”

“But... I need you to explain to me. I need you to tell me what happened and what’s going to happen. Where and how and why and what and everything that I couldn’t know because of a single bullet.” I was talking fast, and without really thinking, but he knew what I meant.

“I will.”

I looked at him, a feeling of dread and absolute terror spreading through me. “You promise me the truth?”

He nodded. “I promise you everything, as long as you swear to remember.”

I shook my head. “I can’t, Nicholas. I really can’t, as much as I’d lo... I’d like to.”

He ran a hand over his face, immune to blemish and perfect to the eye, and looked up at me gently. “Okay, Clare. But just... Try to.”

He helped me up, and opened the door to the hallway. I stood where I was, watching him carefully.

“Come on,” He coaxed. “The rest of the family probably knows already.”

I shuddered. I was dead. So, so, dead. And Nick? He was wrong. Incredibly wrong.

Because Edward hadn’t really suspected anything.

“SURPRISE!” Eight voices who happened to be holding a huge cake screamed at Nick as he stood in the doorway to the living room, stunned.

It took less than a second.

“Who the hell?!”

“CLARA!”

“What’s going on?!”

“There’s another one of you?!”

“Oh, no, not again...”

“I KNEW IT!”

There was a pause, and then: “Nice to see you again, Nicholas.” The room fell silent as Edward held Nick’s eyes. “It’s been a long time.”

He smiled. “Yeah, and now I’m back. And just like you guys. No harm, no foul, ri-...”

“HELL NO.” Emmett roared.

Edward smiled grimly. “He’s right.”

“BOTH OF YOU, STOP.” I yelled. “I’m so SICK of this happening every time someone comes over. We’re supposed to TRUST one another, remember?!”

Zach looked sick from across the table, where a box sat, wrapped in mangled paper. “What the hell, Clara?” He asked slowly. “Why?”

“Zach...” He shook his head and left without hesitating, his hurt worse than my own.

I swore loudly, and heard Emmett snort. “Do you even SEE this?! This isn’t family – This isn’t anything LIKE that!”

Annora looked on the whole sight pretty well, considering she didn’t know anything about what had happened. She hadn’t even been alive when the whole lot of us had gone to school together. Emmett looked completely disgusted, even though he was looking straight into his best friend’s eyes, and even Jasper, who hadn’t been involved with any outside relationships was burning in hate. Alice and Rosalie looked mildy irritated, but I knew and felt so much more.

“Nice, Clara.” Ryan commented, his arm around Annora.

I swallowed hard and swore again before going back upstairs. That had been it. I couldn’t take any more at all.

I locked my door and went into my closet and locked that one.

In one night, I’d manged to get older, reminisce, be completely afraid, love, chase away my best friend, and internally implode.

And among the snow and ice, she couldn’t forget who she really was, but she tried as hard as she possibly could. Nothing good could come of remembering.

Remembering love was one of those promises that I didn't want to go through again.

“Happy Birthday, Dear Clara...”