In and Out? Or Out and In?

I can't breathe. I can't talk, I can't see straight, I can't function.

I spent the last week in Boston, because I thought that would help me get over this weird feeling I've had for a while, and you know what, I was right. It's gone.

But it's been replaced with total and complete pain.

My brother, the one who loved me unconditionally, was killed, along with his daughter, her husband, and their child in a wreck the second day I was there. In fact, I was at the intersection it happened in, when it happened. But I was too late. I wasn't paying attention, just trying to act like a normal human, and in that moment all of my remaining family was hit by an oncoming semi.

Why does this happen?! I know there may be no God for me, but they were the nicest people I could ever imagine living with.

I could've saved them! I could've jumped in-between the two vehicles and prevented this whole thing!

I'm a monster in more ways than one.

I stayed for their funerals, too. It was awkward, getting strange looks from people who had no clue who I was, but probably grew up with me.

"We come here today to witness the passing of Cole, Brian, Alecia, and Cody Laylan, all of who perished in an untimely death two days ago..."

Horrible. Nothing amounts to that.

I got off the plane and picked up my car, my yellow hybrid of something that Edward had gotten me when I moved from Alaska, and went to the beach for a while. Alice was most likely going to freak out, not being able to see me, and Edward would be a tad pissed, but that didn't matter. They weren't my family; I had none of that.

It was like any remaining humanity I had vanished with them.

When I finally got home, it was late, and Edward sat stoically on the porch, warily reading my face.
"Clara...?"
I shook my head, and he nodded, his expression not changing, and vanished inside, leaving me standing on the porch, my arms folded against my body.
Less than a minute later, I could hear protesting inside the house as a figure sauntered out of the house and watched me for a minute, before coming over to me and wrapping me in a hug.

I started crying, choked, tearless cries, my head buired in Zach's jacket as he whispered condolences in my hair.

For a werewolf, he was good at being incredibly human sometimes.

Inside, everyone had gone to doing their own thing, Zach carrying me up to my room. He sat me down on my bed, and just let me cry for a while, putting his jacket over me. When I finally calmed down, I pulled my knees up to my chest and let him tell me about Annora and Ryan, and everything that had gone on while I was gone. Alice hadn't, obviously, seen me coming back like this, so a party had been planned. He filled me in on what'd gone on over at La Push, and this fight Jacob had gotten into with Embry, who didn't see any problem with Zach and I being friends.

Zach ended up falling asleep in my bed, and that's where he still is.

It's strange to hear someone snoring, for once.

-Clara.

Wahk your dahg for uh quahter?

I think I might go to Boston, and stop in on my brother and his kids. I've been thinking about it, and it seems really nice to get away sometime in the near future, especailly since I'm all healed up and quicky losing my sanity anyways. Of course, Edward, etc., have all said that it wouldn't be safe --- But didn't we *just* finish everything we had to be truly afraid of off?

Yeah, so... I've been doing a lot of thinking, apparently.

Oh, and sorry about not posting sooner. It's just been a long time since I've HAD time to sit down and do this.

Anywho, Alice decided on the dresses the other day for "her lovely little rose-cheeked bridesmaids," but she won't tell us what they look like.
Obviously, we'll hate them, and possibly burn them after the ceremony as kind of an after party.

You know, I didn't think vampires could go through post-mortem depression; (After death depression, FYI). I didn't know ANYONE could actually. But it's like some inside hurt has come up and kind of swallowed me: I don't remember going to school or doing homework, I don't remember Zach coming over to hang out for a while, or even exactly what I pretended to eat for lunch. It's so freaking weird.

And the funny thing is, I don't know what I'm depressed about. I have nothing *to* be depressed about.

Today, Zach ws going to take me home, since I was wanting a little me time while Edward took Annora back to the humble abode, but as I sat in the bleachers, watching the cheerleaders, he showed up and told me that if I was going to mope, he wasn't going to let me do it in front of a bunch of jocks.
So we went to the First LaPush beach, and hung out for a while. It was actually pretty nice.

Edward came in not long after I got home, bursting in the door and doing his whole little 'ooh, I'm a vampire and I'm going to give you the vampire glare' look, crossed arms and all. I wasn't in the mood, and told him so, but he just sighed, and, to my amazement, lost the look and sat down on the bed.
"Look, I know that I'm not the best fake brother that you've ever lived with for 70-something years, but here's the deal: You can't do this whole sad thing."
I kind of gaped at him. "Sorry... What?"
"Zach talked to me for a while, and told me that you've been unusually down. I haven't actually noticed since this whole Volturri thing's been going on, but I swear to you, I haven't forgotten you or anything."
I had to laugh. "You know it's not your fault."
He frowned. "You're right -- I don't know whose fault it is; you're not thinking anything in particular that could've caused it. You're just... Sad."
And then he did the best thing he could've: He leaned over and gave me a huge hug.

Ugh, it's been too long of a day.

...It feels like THURSDAY.
And really, I'm not just saying that for want of the weekend.
SO WHY ISN'T IT?!

-Clara

Ps- Sorry for the shortness. I'm exhausted... Ha, ha.

Double Whammy.

So the other night, Annora brought home Ryan.
That was a crazy family ordeal.
She couldn't even walk or stand any closer than two feet from him, which, though I'm worried he may be more than he seems, is still a little harsh.

Anyways, today was going completely smoothly, when b-a-double-m, the doorbell rang. And as totally not ominous as that may seem, it was who was at the door that got me both grounded from close proximity to the beaches and (in the process of still being) heavily lectured from Edward.

Picture this. No lie, this is how it played out.

*doorbell rings*
Emmett: Who the hell? I thought Bella was here.
Bella: ...She is.
Emmett: Tanya's coming down next week, so this can't be that clan of freaks...
*doorbell rings again; the whole family parades downstairs except Ryan (family?), Annora, and I.*
Jasper: Does anyone actually plan on *opening* the door?
*silence.*
Edward: ...And you didn't see who this was, Alice?
Alice: Nope! But don't go all paranoid or anything. It could be Angela, trying to find Bella.
Edward: I have a sneaking suspicion it isn't for Bella at all.
*Edward opens the door, I rip off my headphones from upstairs*
Me: OH, NO.
Edward: CLARA.
Zach: Was this a really bad time?

YES. YESYESYES. YES, IT WAS.

Urgh.
Suck.

Now Edward's in here, trying to get me to explain exactly why in the whole freaking world I chose a werewolf, while I'm still trying to yell back that he's NOT MY BOYFRIEND, and I AM NOT turning into a Bella/Jacob remake.

Jerk.

Emmett just laughed at Edward a lot after Zach left, five minutes after he got to the door. Carlisle explained that I was busy, and that I'd call him after I got done doing whatever I was doing, while Rosalie tried to find a subtle way to slam the door in his face.

Thank you spank you, all my glorious family.

Anyways, I've been thinking about visiting my brother again, and seeing his grandkids; my great nephew and neice. I know it would only suck for me, seeing as how he, thinking I'm dead, has a daughter AND a neice (it's been passed on) with my same name.

But still. It may be nice to just get away from it all for a while. In fact, I'll probably head down there on Wednesday, just so I don't have to see Tanya and the crew of whore-pires again. They freak me out the way they all band together over nothing, yet get in these retarded fights about anything.

Personally, I think that, though they're "family", we shouldn't know them. I hate them.

...Something tells me the leaves would look really nice up in Boston about now, too. All I need is one of those Volturri hoods...

-Clara.