So officially, that was the best Valentines Day in the world.
Basically, sparing the "gory" details, I was kidnapped on the thirteenth and taken hostage in the cliffs at LaPush, about three hours from the actual reservation.
God, it was amazing.
Everything smelled like sea salt, and there were these little yellow Posey-looking flowers all over the place, frozen. It was bitterly cold, but neither one of us could really feel it, so we spent those three days camped out there, sleeping in a sleeping bag in this itty-bitty tent, all curled up and cozy.
We drove back on Thursday night, passing through LaPush, where several of his friends were glaring at us as we passed, and actually reaching my house at about midnight. He couldn't stay; he was getting sick again (probably my fault, he said jokingly) and had to take care of a newly formed wolf back at home, so he dropped me off, kissed me goodnight, and left.
I slept soundly and dreamt of the sea and the sand and huge rocks with carvings of wolves on them while I danced around, laughing.
Nothing good lasts around here, though. Ever.
The next morning, Esme told me Zach had called to say he wasn't going to be able to be at school that day, which wasn’t a big deal. He had the flu, common for the wolves, and had been working with the new kid all night, making him exhausted beyond belief.
I drove to school in Edward’s car (he was still at Bella’s – it was a Valentine’s thing), and pretty much just slept through the first three hours. Not literally, of course, but it felt like it.
Then, of course, came lunch.
Honestly, I don’t know what happened. It could be that there wasn’t anyone to sit with me and distract me since both Annora and Zach weren’t there, but whatever it was happened so quickly and suddenly that… Well, let me start over:
I walked to lunch alone, tempted to just skip it since no one was there with me. But, thinking of Edward’s displeasure over this itty bitty fact, I decided to suffer through it and grabbed a tray, walking through the line.
“Hey, sexy!” Some new kid called out, obviously not from a small city and ready to prove to his new friends that he was so-called cool. “Aw, come on, babe! Turn around and talk to me!”
I turned around and looked at him darkly before turning back to the food line.
“Aaaw, she loves me. It’s okay, sweetheart! Ditch the boyfriend and get you some Pennington!”
So he was Kyle Pennington; the rich kid from San Francisco that everyone had been gushing and having mini-heartaches over (that I’d felt, thank you senior class). I’d make sure to remember that to put on the headstone. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down, surprised that I was actually getting this angry.
“You’re the only non-screwed up member of your family, babe! I know this! And God, your boyfriend is that one Zach dude? Come onnnn! He’s most definitely gay, honey! Come over here and I’ll show you what a real man’s kiss…”
Two seconds. That’s all it took.
I had Kyle Pennington’s ass pinned up against the wall, three inches from my face quicker than his friends could start to laugh.
His green eyes read my ferocity before I could spell it out. I could feel my eyes shift darkly and the panicked look on his face made me smile.
“You damn well don’t know a thing about who I am, Kyle,” I sneered, “and I wouldn’t go advertising how much of a badass you are until you can resist being held up against a wall by a girl much shorter and very much prettier than yourself.”
Underneath my hand, I could feel his quickened heartbeat, echoing through his jugular vein.
Blood pounding.
Heart racing.
My eyes glazed over and the hunger returned.
I remembered it.
Her name had been Mira.
She’d smiled so pretty.
Her hair so black.
She was so weak.
So warm.
So good.
So… fulfilling.
I lost all control and snarled, leaning forward, teeth bared…
I was ripped away and landed on the floor, tackled by a mass of flesh, as Kyle crumpled to the floor. People started screaming, some running for Kyle, as I was rocketed out of the building by whoever had caught me.
DAMMIT, my mind roared, and I lashed out at the human barrier.
Whoever it was yelled an obscenity and put me in a hold, now limping, taking me farther and farther away from the school.
We reached the edge of the woods, and whoever held me slammed my head against the closest tree, the resounding pain registering only barely in my mind, the words spoken almost vanishing into thin air as I threw out one last kick towards them…
“Jesus… No…!”
I blacked out and my thoughts spiraled away into confused and crazed ideas, burning out into memories…
Mira. Mira, Mira, Mira…
She had been at the same party I’d been to; the one that everyone in Boston who was no one was at; the party for the freaks and the misguided.
I found her as I stumbled out, drunk with the smell of liquor. She was originally from London, though her family had immigrated to the states only years before, as she had just finished telling her boyfriend’s friend. She was drunk, too drunk to focus when I found her, crying softly by the brick wall. The only reason I noticed her was because of the gash on her cheek, bleeding profusely, unaware that my crimson eyes had caught her. Her boyfriend had been there; he’d committed that mark on her head. Her pain was killing me, blinding me, and instinctively mad, I reached out and grabbed her by the arm.
The bone broke, and she cried out, but I silenced her.
She was the ninth and tenth; the one that I remembered most. She’d been pregnant.
I screamed, waking up, and tried to put my hands to my face; to black out the light, but I couldn’t. They were tied down beside me, shackled in rope and steel, materials that I could usually bend as easily as anything, but was too weak to even fight now.
“Are you about finished?” Edward said sharply.
I opened my eyes and cringed. I was tied to a tree.
“Oh my God.” I whispered. “What did I do?”
“Well, you broke Kyle Pennington’s leg, which he’s more than likely not too happy about, and then…”
Alice placed a hand on his shoulder and shook her head, wincing.
“…some other things, which are not the best things you could’ve done.” He finished lamely.
I started to sob uncontrollably. “Oh my God. Oh my God…!”
“Clara, sweetheart, it’s going to be okay.” Carlisle said soothingly, and then to Edward, “Please, be nice. I’ve got to get something to clean her up.”
Alice followed him as he headed away, looking back at Edward warningly.
Edward nodded, seeing what only he could see inside of her head, looking uptight. “I’ll try, and yes, you might as well.”
His eyes moved back to me, where he stood, watching me cry for a good five minutes before sighing and kneeling down beside me, breaking the rope and undoing the bonds, taking my wrists and rubbing them so the pain would go away.
I just sat there as he did it, limp and crying, my eyes not really looking at anything, feeling almost delusional.
He let my wrists go, and used his thumbs to wipe away my tears.
“Clara, it really is going to be okay.”
I shook my head furiously.
“Kyle’s been told that he tripped, and the rest of the school believes it. They didn’t see you, Clara. They heard the retorts, they saw the scene, but you were so quick that it didn’t register.”
I winced, crying even harder. “I almost killed him… I was so close…”
Edward looked appalled – he obviously hadn’t known that. He opened his mouth, and then shut it.
I pulled my legs up to my chest and buried my face.
Edward sat back, watching me somberly.
That night passed so slowly; Carlisle came back with Alice and Jasper, who were trying fruitlessly to convince me that it was alright (‘I don’t know what the hell happened, but she’s not affected by what I’m doing’ Jasper exclaimed in earnest to Carlisle) as he cleaned me up. Eventually, after getting no response, they left, Edward still there, staring across at me, a haunted look on his face.
Alice came by a while later, looking worried, and nodded over at Edward who shook his head and tightened his lips, his expression unchanged, motioning that she could leave. After another few moments of pure silence, he spoke:
“When I was younger, several years after I found the Cullens, I almost exposed us. I killed people, Clara. I won’t ever forget it, but you have to be forgiving of your own kind.”
I shook my head, tears drenching my sleeves.
I heard him stand up and hesitate; I felt the pain he had in his eyes when he looked at me, and the earnest pain in his heart that bored into mine – like he knew something that I didn’t; something that was going to hurt me even worse.
At the last moment, when he was about to say something, he changed his mind and shook his head, turning and leaving me in the woods.
Midnight came swiftly, and then it was dark for what seemed like forever.
I heard footsteps and smelled wolf before they even thought about approaching.
“Clara Hale?”
It wasn’t him; my heart sank and I was quiet.
“Clara…” Dhart approached and sat next to me, embracing me, surprising me.
He was crying.
I had a feeling that I was connected to this, and I sighed through my own salty tears and readjusted myself, hugging him back.
I don’t know when it was, the time seemed to bleed together immeasurably, but I fell asleep, dreamless, like some part of my brain had decided to take mercy on me for once.
When I woke up, I was in my bed, Edward in the chair in front of my desk, watching me blankly.
“Get your jacket,” he said blandly. “I have something to show… and tell… you.”
We took his Volvo, and I just stared out the window, thinking about how I’d lost control. It was so stupid to just lose it over that stupid kid. It wasn’t the first time I’d had a kid pester me like that, but it was the first time I’d ever retaliated, or even hurt someone.
God, I was really going insane.
“Clara, we’re here.” Edward said softly, jolting me back into reality. I’d forgotten how fast he drove.
We were in Seattle.
I looked up at him, uncertain, and he just motioned for me to follow him. I undid my seatbelt and stood up out of the car, looking at the hospital looming before us.
“I don’t want to see him.” I said plainly. “I don’t want to see Kyle.”
“We’re not here to see idiot Pennington.” Edward said smoothly, sadly. “We’re here for someone else.”
I was confused, and slightly mollified by the idea, but as soon as we set foot in the door, I wanted to leave.
The antiseptiky smell haunted the corridors; the wait staff looked exhausted; people were dying here and I could feel the pain of it all.
“Edward…” I whispered, panicking.
“Clara, I know. Just… You want to be here.” He said.
“No. No, I don’t.”
He heaved a sigh and took my hand. “Come on.”
He led me through the halls, up an elevator, and through more passageways of the Seattle hospital until we reached room 121.
I was hyperventilating.
“Edward, please,” I begged. “I can’t see anyone right now after I’ve…”
He opened the door, and I froze, staring at the patient a minute before gingerly stepping foot in the room.
"How did this happen?" I said, my throat dry all of the sudden.
“He had some internal bleeding,” Edward said, his voice hollow. “Alice called him, telling him that she saw you attacking Kyle and killing him, but he didn’t stop. He went to your school, stopped you from bloodying up Pennington, and almost had prevented the whole thing…”
“So I did this.” I said in revulsion, the epiphany dawning on me with a morbid taste, bile creeping into my mouth. “I almost killed him by fighting him off.”
“He’s in a coma, Clara.” He said, his voice cracking. “They don’t know if he’s going to make it.”
I didn’t know the person in the bed, I tried to tell myself. It was someone else.
Dhart looked up at Edward from one of the plastic chairs, his eyes red and his hair messed up. “You didn’t tell her that her fiancée was unconscious?”
“No.” he said quietly, “It was better to give her a night of rest before breaking her heart.”
I glanced at Edward, who looked back at me wistfully. “You didn’t think he didn’t tell me that he was going to ask you to marry him over the weekend? Come on, Clara. He’s had it on his mind for a while.”
“We were going to wait for a year or so.” I choked out.
“I know,” he said, softly, looking sympathetic. “He asked me about that, too, and promised that he loved you, no matter what. He said that you couldn’t do anything to make him not love you.”
Right then and there, my heart shattered into a million pieces, every ounce of pain possible soaking up through my skin.
I was shaking so much that it hurt, and almost fell as I made it to the bed.
Zach. My Zach.
I crawled into the bed, next to him, and wrapped my arms around him, laying my head on his chest, sobbing. The hospital gown felt so unnatural – like I was just laying on some plastic-feeling paper, yet the paper was so warm, and with a heartbeat that was slower than normal, almost back to a human rate.
“I’m so sorry,” I cried. “I am so, so sorry!”
And scared. I was scared beyond anything I’d ever experienced. There was nothing that could keep me from this fear; it froze my insides and for once, it was harder to breathe than I thought possible.
He looked too wrong here; he was wild and free, and now here he was, confined in a bed, motionless.
I reached under the covers and took his hand, holding it tightly, the looseness of his fingers making me wince.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked through my tears, “I could’ve been here when…”
“He wasn’t ever conscious, Clara.” Edward said, his voice breaking slightly. “He wasn’t conscious when we found him, and he didn’t wake up once in the transition here.”
I fought the urge to scream in agony with this new knowledge. His pain jutted out towards mine, though it wasn’t actually much since he was comatose, but it made me want to take it all; to not just feel it, but to steal it away from him, so that maybe he would make it through this.
Oh, God, I loved him so much! He couldn’t be taken away from me now! We needed each other!
…I needed him!
Dhart walked over to the bed, his eyes full of his own sadness, tears gathering in the corners. His lip trembled. “He knew you were the one for him, Clara. He loved everything about you.” He blinked, and the tears rushed down his cheeks silently.
The three of us stayed there, Carlisle coming in and whispering words of comfort to me every now and then, taking his temperature, inserting more IV’s – until closing.
When Carlisle came in the final time, I was feigning sleep, just so I wouldn’t have to believe any of this was actually going on. After he left, whispering something to Edward, Edward came and picked me up effortlessly, following Dhart outside.
I couldn’t have fought if I had wanted to.
At three AM, I woke up, crying again.
I didn’t tell anyone, though I’m sure most of them knew, sneaking out of the house and running to the hospital, where Carlisle was sitting with him in his down time, reading.
He looked up as I entered, but just nodded and continued back to his book.
I crawled under the covers, beside Zach, and wrapped myself around him, my left hand fidgeting with the white gold ring that he’d placed there only two nights before.
He’d kissed me, hard on the lips, and spun me around, both of us laughing in the chilly air and collapsing into our sleeping bags that we’d zipped together. For a long time, he just kind of sat there, his head rested against his elbow, and when I’d laughed and asked him what he was doing, he said that he was thinking about how good everything had been; how even though there had been hard times, that somehow, they were just obstacles that we’d helped each other over.
I shivered next to his warm body, remembering.
He told me he loved me, more than anything else in the world, and that he would always look after me better than anyone could. And then, as we were both falling asleep, he sighed, and I almost couldn’t make out whether it was a dream, or if he was sleep-talking, and said, ‘if I asked you to marry me tonight, would you?’ and I said yes; that I loved him forever, and always had. He gave me this lovely smile, it was heavenly and I swore I would always make him smile like that, and proposed right then, underneath the sleeping bags, the wind whispering lullabies in our ears.
“Please, please, please come back.” I whispered, resting my head on his heart again, the rhythm coaxing me to sleep. "I don't want you to go yet."
Showing posts with label edward. Show all posts
Showing posts with label edward. Show all posts
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Epitome of Lost.
“Clara?” A familiar, deep voice asked, sounding happily surprised.
“Zach?” I asked, stunned by the person next in line to me.
It had been ten years since I’d seen him, and the little curious smile he gave me made me remember why I’d loved him...
“Wow… You kept your promise; you haven’t changed.” He said bitterly.
…And why I’d had to let him go.
“Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know. You look amazing.”
And he did; so much that it hurt. He would be almost thirty by now, and he had that look of someone who was living regularly, loving life to the fullest.
“Look, about the wedding…”
“I didn’t get married.” I interrupted, a little too quickly, and he smiled wistfully.
“I know… But… I did.”
Only then did I notice the little girl who was holding tightly onto one of his fingers, looking about four-years-old, with curly, blond hair and wide, blue and gold-flecked eyes that stared up at me intently. She looked exactly like him minus the rolls of baby fat and the fingers tucked inside of her mouth, in a frilly sleeveless shirt and tiny jean shorts, with white buckled sandals on her chubby feet.
“Oh.” I said, fighting the urge to fall over.
“But I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you… Or send you an invitation or anything.”
“Um, no, no, it’s okay. I mean, it’s your wedding.”
He smiled down at the girl, still addressing me. “Her name’s Emilie Clare…”
I couldn’t speak.
“I didn’t forget you, you know.” He said quietly. "Even after you left and I married Karmen…”
“You married Karmen?” I choked.
He looked puzzled. “Well… Yes…”
“Karmen… As in the one who used to hang around with Sam? Karmen; Jacob’s step-sister?”
“Yeah, Clara, the one and only.”
“Oh, my God.” I said, breathless.
The little girl’s eyes grew even wider.
“Ah…” Zach hesitated. “Maybe we should go see mommy, sweetheart.”
She nodded and he looked around for her as the bile crept into my mouth. Sweetheart.
“Um, so, what else is… new?” I asked, for a lack of better words.
He smiled back at me quickly. “Karmen’s expecting twins in a couple months, so we’ve been extremely busy getting the house ready and…” he sighed. “I have no idea where she is. So… How has the family been?”
I ran my fingers over my face. “I really don’t know anymore. I’m the only one who lives here now, since Ed and Bella moved away, Esme and Carlisle are in Alaska for the next hundred years, Annora and Ryan got married two years back, and Rose and Emmett are on a temporary split, both of them vacationing in Italy, dealing with business for a while, being forgotten by Forks.”
The news shocked me more than him.
He nodded for a minute, and I almost didn’t catch the nauseated expression on his face as he remarked on the next subject: “Look, I know it’s kind of abrupt, but I want to make sure you’re doing okay… You know, with the funeral and everything.”
“I’m fine, Zach… What funeral?”
“Abeline’s funeral…” He said, concernedly.
I just shrugged and shook my head. Figuring out that I didn’t know what he was talking about, he took a tentative step towards me, raw pain in his eyes.
“Abeline, Clara. Our three-month-old daughter.”
I was screaming when I woke up, clutching at blankets and pillows wildly like the kind of monster I was. I didn't need to breathe, and yet I was close to hyperventilation.
I'd never felt anything like this before - the pure panic.
Everyone but Annora was there -- Rosalie had gotten in the night before last, toting Emmett around with her and refusing to let anyone steal him away for a moment, while Jasper and Alice had been in a Monopoly championship for the last three days, fighting it out on Train Depots and Boulevards. Edward had been without Bella the last few days, as Charlie had shipped her off to some kind of camp in the mountains, leaving him worrisome and reclusive at times, and both Carlisle and Esme hadn't really changed anything from the daily routine, save for the fact that Carlisle had made the Guinness Book of World Records for number of lives saved (he only told us, though --- No one else needed to know, and we didn't need the publicity). Annora was still on the run with Ryan - No one knew where they were.
Everything had been a little screwed up.
But now, I looked around, and everyone was staring at me with horrified expressions on their faces.
I took a deep breath. "What?"
"You... Aah..." Jasper started in, not really focusing on words.
"You fell asleep." Zach said, his voice pitched strangely.
I froze, tightening my grip on the sheets. "What?"
Carlisle, ever the calm one, looked reserved and almost studious. "You reached a state of sleep that, as far as I know, isn't supposed to be available to other vampires."
"And you had a dream..." Edward said, pained, looking at Zach. "You talked a little..."
My eyes went over to Zach, who stood there looking broken, his gaze down at my foot board.
"Oh, God..." I whispered.
"Yeah. It wasn't something that we'd all exactly like to thank you for." Rosalie said bitterly.
Emmett's hand slid across the banister and landed on top of hers quickly. "It's not her fault, Rose." he noted quietly.
She shook her head and walked away, leaving the room.
Emmett sighed. "Clare, we all know that it wasn't anything that might really happen... Hopefully. But Rosalie... She's so vulnerable right now." he said apologetically, and followed his wife out the door.
Carlisle nodded at the others. "Let's just leave her alone for a while."
Halfway out the door, Jasper stopped and looked back at the one person left beside my bed. "Are you coming?"
"No," Zach sighed. "Not right now."
Jasper nodded, Alice following him, whispering words of suspicion into his ear.
The door closed, and Zach's eyes met mine, and he just watched me for a while, wordless.
Eventually, he came around the bed and sat next to me wrapping his warm fingers around mine.
"Clara..."
And that's when the second worse thing that could possibly happen, happened:
I started crying.
Cold, almost frigid tears, racing down my cheek, along my nose, and into the corners of my mouth, where they gathered and then trickled down my chin, on the covers.
I gasped and stared at the wet spots.
Zach looked overwhelmed for a minute, and just as I thought he would run away, reached out and wrapped me in a hug, pressing my face against his shoulder harshly.
"Clara, I couldn't not love you..." he whispered.
I just cried. I couldn't agree with him, and reassure him that I knew, because I didn't. It seemed so plausible... Which could've just been part of the 'haven't dreamed in over seventy years' thing.
"It felt so real," I blubbed. "You and Karmen and Abeline and..."
"Who are they?" Zach interrupted, gently pushing me back, rubbing his thumbs along my tear-streaked cheeks, making me feel like a child. "What're you talking about?"
I struggled to gain my composure. "But... I thought I talked..."
"You did," He explained, still looking slightly hurt. "You kept saying 'you don't love me' and 'my fault' over and over, practically screaming... And you said that Rose and Emmett weren't together anymore..." He tried to smile. "It was slightly enough to scare me out of bed."
"Zach... Oh, my God." I leaned into him again, sobbing. "It was so bad. You and I... We'd been married..."
He cringed.
"...No! No, that's not the bad thing... It was just... We'd split up and you'd gotten remarried... To Karmen, and had a little girl... It was ten years since I'd seen you... Our daughter..."
I tried to get the words to connect, but they wouldn't. Zach held me tightly.
"What daughter, Clare?" he said softly.
I pulled back, my hands falling into my lap limply. "Her name... Her name was Abeline... And... She was three months old... And... And... She was dead. She'd died after I..." I choked on the pain. "After I left you... And it had killed us even more...your wedding... you didn't invite me..."
Zach was horrified. "I would... I would never." He sputtered, his motions helpless.
"You didn't!" I said, crying even more. "I'm the one who ended it, because I was so afraid of you dying."
Weakly, he rubbed his eyes, and then motioned towards me. I scooted over, almost blinded by the incredible amount of liquid gathered in my eyes, and he laid my head in his lap, cradling my head, running his fingers through my hair until I calmed down enough to relax.
Turning around, my face towards his grey eyes, I sighed. "I'm so sorry."
He nodded once, not breaking eye-contact, and was quiet for a moment, as if he wasn't sure about what his words would hold for him.
"Clara, there's always a possiblity that what you dreamed... That it could be something very real."
I flinched.
"But whatever the case," he continued, slowly and with delicacy, "I would rather love you and have you leave me... and lose a child, before I would try not to love you and pretend we never had anything between us."
I smiled through the shaking that had completely overtaken my body and leaned up on my elbows to kiss him, and then lay back down next to where he followed suit, exhaling. "Thank you."
His smile was wistful. "I would say anytime, but that would be expecting more of this, so... You're welcome."
We lay there for a few minutes, not doing anything. My mind wandered to the dream, and then to the latest revelation of strange that had happened in this family - I was both sleeping and crying. Two things that were unheard of in... Well, in vampires.
I hated that word. Vampire. It reminded me of the things I'd done when I was first new to everything; new to the world that came from a single bullet to the heart.
"Zach... I've murdered people... It was a long time ago, but I... I killed. In cold blood."
He was quiet for a minute, and then sighed. "I know. Edward happened to mention some such thing before I even met you. He said that it would keep me from getting to close unless I really wanted to, so that my feelings towards you, hate or love or anything in between, would be justified."
"Oh."
"But thanks for telling me, either way."
I nodded. Lying here beside him, it didn't seem like much was wrong in the world; like Annora hadn't run away, like I hadn't completely flipped out on the family, like the Volturri and the Purple Whatevers were after us all the time - It was like I was normal and in love with someone who loved me for who I was, no matter what was going to happen.
"I love you." Zach said, as if he'd heard my thoughts.
I smiled and he kissed me.
----
"Well, you're officially a freak." were the first words out of Alice's mouth as I went downstairs. I still didn't eat human food, thank God (Annora had only stocked up on ice cream before leaving), but I had fallen asleep again.
Thankfully, I hadn't dreamed.
"Actually, you may be more of a living proof of something that I've never seen before." Carlisle said curiously, looking at me from over a book.
"And that's supposed to mean...?"
Zach was still half-asleep, eating some of Annora's ice cream, but he looked at me, concerned, from across the table. I decided then and there that no vampire could look that beautiful - ever. With his messed up hair and tired eyes, he was an angel.
"I think you may have adopted some of the DNA from one of your, ah, meals before you came to us. The glass, for one, sinking into your hand..."
"That was some kind of freak accident; there was something in the glass or... or something."
"Or it could be diamond, and you're not as non-breakable as you thought." Edward said teasingly.
"Exactly," Carlisle confirmed. "Otherwise, it would've shattered on the landing in the first place. And then there was the dreaming, and from what I hear, you've cried?"
The look on my face was enough to prove him right.
"Basically, Clara, I think you're adopting some, if not all, of the human qualities that any wom..."
"Okay, okay, no need to go there. Bad memories. But seriously... their DNA is merging with mine? After so many years?"
"It's the only probable cause I can imagine."
...Which, in Carlisle speak, is usually right.
It's been a long day, and though I don't sleep as much as, say, Zach, I'm still exhausted most of the time, which is new... And weird.
So for now, I'm going to try and make Zach sleep. He seems really disturbed, which is pretty understandable.
Humanescely,
Clara.
(Ps - ANNORA, GET YOUR ASS HOME.)
“Zach?” I asked, stunned by the person next in line to me.
It had been ten years since I’d seen him, and the little curious smile he gave me made me remember why I’d loved him...
“Wow… You kept your promise; you haven’t changed.” He said bitterly.
…And why I’d had to let him go.
“Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know. You look amazing.”
And he did; so much that it hurt. He would be almost thirty by now, and he had that look of someone who was living regularly, loving life to the fullest.
“Look, about the wedding…”
“I didn’t get married.” I interrupted, a little too quickly, and he smiled wistfully.
“I know… But… I did.”
Only then did I notice the little girl who was holding tightly onto one of his fingers, looking about four-years-old, with curly, blond hair and wide, blue and gold-flecked eyes that stared up at me intently. She looked exactly like him minus the rolls of baby fat and the fingers tucked inside of her mouth, in a frilly sleeveless shirt and tiny jean shorts, with white buckled sandals on her chubby feet.
“Oh.” I said, fighting the urge to fall over.
“But I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you… Or send you an invitation or anything.”
“Um, no, no, it’s okay. I mean, it’s your wedding.”
He smiled down at the girl, still addressing me. “Her name’s Emilie Clare…”
I couldn’t speak.
“I didn’t forget you, you know.” He said quietly. "Even after you left and I married Karmen…”
“You married Karmen?” I choked.
He looked puzzled. “Well… Yes…”
“Karmen… As in the one who used to hang around with Sam? Karmen; Jacob’s step-sister?”
“Yeah, Clara, the one and only.”
“Oh, my God.” I said, breathless.
The little girl’s eyes grew even wider.
“Ah…” Zach hesitated. “Maybe we should go see mommy, sweetheart.”
She nodded and he looked around for her as the bile crept into my mouth. Sweetheart.
“Um, so, what else is… new?” I asked, for a lack of better words.
He smiled back at me quickly. “Karmen’s expecting twins in a couple months, so we’ve been extremely busy getting the house ready and…” he sighed. “I have no idea where she is. So… How has the family been?”
I ran my fingers over my face. “I really don’t know anymore. I’m the only one who lives here now, since Ed and Bella moved away, Esme and Carlisle are in Alaska for the next hundred years, Annora and Ryan got married two years back, and Rose and Emmett are on a temporary split, both of them vacationing in Italy, dealing with business for a while, being forgotten by Forks.”
The news shocked me more than him.
He nodded for a minute, and I almost didn’t catch the nauseated expression on his face as he remarked on the next subject: “Look, I know it’s kind of abrupt, but I want to make sure you’re doing okay… You know, with the funeral and everything.”
“I’m fine, Zach… What funeral?”
“Abeline’s funeral…” He said, concernedly.
I just shrugged and shook my head. Figuring out that I didn’t know what he was talking about, he took a tentative step towards me, raw pain in his eyes.
“Abeline, Clara. Our three-month-old daughter.”
I was screaming when I woke up, clutching at blankets and pillows wildly like the kind of monster I was. I didn't need to breathe, and yet I was close to hyperventilation.
I'd never felt anything like this before - the pure panic.
Everyone but Annora was there -- Rosalie had gotten in the night before last, toting Emmett around with her and refusing to let anyone steal him away for a moment, while Jasper and Alice had been in a Monopoly championship for the last three days, fighting it out on Train Depots and Boulevards. Edward had been without Bella the last few days, as Charlie had shipped her off to some kind of camp in the mountains, leaving him worrisome and reclusive at times, and both Carlisle and Esme hadn't really changed anything from the daily routine, save for the fact that Carlisle had made the Guinness Book of World Records for number of lives saved (he only told us, though --- No one else needed to know, and we didn't need the publicity). Annora was still on the run with Ryan - No one knew where they were.
Everything had been a little screwed up.
But now, I looked around, and everyone was staring at me with horrified expressions on their faces.
I took a deep breath. "What?"
"You... Aah..." Jasper started in, not really focusing on words.
"You fell asleep." Zach said, his voice pitched strangely.
I froze, tightening my grip on the sheets. "What?"
Carlisle, ever the calm one, looked reserved and almost studious. "You reached a state of sleep that, as far as I know, isn't supposed to be available to other vampires."
"And you had a dream..." Edward said, pained, looking at Zach. "You talked a little..."
My eyes went over to Zach, who stood there looking broken, his gaze down at my foot board.
"Oh, God..." I whispered.
"Yeah. It wasn't something that we'd all exactly like to thank you for." Rosalie said bitterly.
Emmett's hand slid across the banister and landed on top of hers quickly. "It's not her fault, Rose." he noted quietly.
She shook her head and walked away, leaving the room.
Emmett sighed. "Clare, we all know that it wasn't anything that might really happen... Hopefully. But Rosalie... She's so vulnerable right now." he said apologetically, and followed his wife out the door.
Carlisle nodded at the others. "Let's just leave her alone for a while."
Halfway out the door, Jasper stopped and looked back at the one person left beside my bed. "Are you coming?"
"No," Zach sighed. "Not right now."
Jasper nodded, Alice following him, whispering words of suspicion into his ear.
The door closed, and Zach's eyes met mine, and he just watched me for a while, wordless.
Eventually, he came around the bed and sat next to me wrapping his warm fingers around mine.
"Clara..."
And that's when the second worse thing that could possibly happen, happened:
I started crying.
Cold, almost frigid tears, racing down my cheek, along my nose, and into the corners of my mouth, where they gathered and then trickled down my chin, on the covers.
I gasped and stared at the wet spots.
Zach looked overwhelmed for a minute, and just as I thought he would run away, reached out and wrapped me in a hug, pressing my face against his shoulder harshly.
"Clara, I couldn't not love you..." he whispered.
I just cried. I couldn't agree with him, and reassure him that I knew, because I didn't. It seemed so plausible... Which could've just been part of the 'haven't dreamed in over seventy years' thing.
"It felt so real," I blubbed. "You and Karmen and Abeline and..."
"Who are they?" Zach interrupted, gently pushing me back, rubbing his thumbs along my tear-streaked cheeks, making me feel like a child. "What're you talking about?"
I struggled to gain my composure. "But... I thought I talked..."
"You did," He explained, still looking slightly hurt. "You kept saying 'you don't love me' and 'my fault' over and over, practically screaming... And you said that Rose and Emmett weren't together anymore..." He tried to smile. "It was slightly enough to scare me out of bed."
"Zach... Oh, my God." I leaned into him again, sobbing. "It was so bad. You and I... We'd been married..."
He cringed.
"...No! No, that's not the bad thing... It was just... We'd split up and you'd gotten remarried... To Karmen, and had a little girl... It was ten years since I'd seen you... Our daughter..."
I tried to get the words to connect, but they wouldn't. Zach held me tightly.
"What daughter, Clare?" he said softly.
I pulled back, my hands falling into my lap limply. "Her name... Her name was Abeline... And... She was three months old... And... And... She was dead. She'd died after I..." I choked on the pain. "After I left you... And it had killed us even more...your wedding... you didn't invite me..."
Zach was horrified. "I would... I would never." He sputtered, his motions helpless.
"You didn't!" I said, crying even more. "I'm the one who ended it, because I was so afraid of you dying."
Weakly, he rubbed his eyes, and then motioned towards me. I scooted over, almost blinded by the incredible amount of liquid gathered in my eyes, and he laid my head in his lap, cradling my head, running his fingers through my hair until I calmed down enough to relax.
Turning around, my face towards his grey eyes, I sighed. "I'm so sorry."
He nodded once, not breaking eye-contact, and was quiet for a moment, as if he wasn't sure about what his words would hold for him.
"Clara, there's always a possiblity that what you dreamed... That it could be something very real."
I flinched.
"But whatever the case," he continued, slowly and with delicacy, "I would rather love you and have you leave me... and lose a child, before I would try not to love you and pretend we never had anything between us."
I smiled through the shaking that had completely overtaken my body and leaned up on my elbows to kiss him, and then lay back down next to where he followed suit, exhaling. "Thank you."
His smile was wistful. "I would say anytime, but that would be expecting more of this, so... You're welcome."
We lay there for a few minutes, not doing anything. My mind wandered to the dream, and then to the latest revelation of strange that had happened in this family - I was both sleeping and crying. Two things that were unheard of in... Well, in vampires.
I hated that word. Vampire. It reminded me of the things I'd done when I was first new to everything; new to the world that came from a single bullet to the heart.
"Zach... I've murdered people... It was a long time ago, but I... I killed. In cold blood."
He was quiet for a minute, and then sighed. "I know. Edward happened to mention some such thing before I even met you. He said that it would keep me from getting to close unless I really wanted to, so that my feelings towards you, hate or love or anything in between, would be justified."
"Oh."
"But thanks for telling me, either way."
I nodded. Lying here beside him, it didn't seem like much was wrong in the world; like Annora hadn't run away, like I hadn't completely flipped out on the family, like the Volturri and the Purple Whatevers were after us all the time - It was like I was normal and in love with someone who loved me for who I was, no matter what was going to happen.
"I love you." Zach said, as if he'd heard my thoughts.
I smiled and he kissed me.
----
"Well, you're officially a freak." were the first words out of Alice's mouth as I went downstairs. I still didn't eat human food, thank God (Annora had only stocked up on ice cream before leaving), but I had fallen asleep again.
Thankfully, I hadn't dreamed.
"Actually, you may be more of a living proof of something that I've never seen before." Carlisle said curiously, looking at me from over a book.
"And that's supposed to mean...?"
Zach was still half-asleep, eating some of Annora's ice cream, but he looked at me, concerned, from across the table. I decided then and there that no vampire could look that beautiful - ever. With his messed up hair and tired eyes, he was an angel.
"I think you may have adopted some of the DNA from one of your, ah, meals before you came to us. The glass, for one, sinking into your hand..."
"That was some kind of freak accident; there was something in the glass or... or something."
"Or it could be diamond, and you're not as non-breakable as you thought." Edward said teasingly.
"Exactly," Carlisle confirmed. "Otherwise, it would've shattered on the landing in the first place. And then there was the dreaming, and from what I hear, you've cried?"
The look on my face was enough to prove him right.
"Basically, Clara, I think you're adopting some, if not all, of the human qualities that any wom..."
"Okay, okay, no need to go there. Bad memories. But seriously... their DNA is merging with mine? After so many years?"
"It's the only probable cause I can imagine."
...Which, in Carlisle speak, is usually right.
It's been a long day, and though I don't sleep as much as, say, Zach, I'm still exhausted most of the time, which is new... And weird.
So for now, I'm going to try and make Zach sleep. He seems really disturbed, which is pretty understandable.
Humanescely,
Clara.
(Ps - ANNORA, GET YOUR ASS HOME.)
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Talk to Me.
Hi, everyone who's ever read this blog. It's been a crazy month, with a crazy-long recap to go along with it, unfortunately for my fingers.
SO, just in case you're not much of a reader, or want to make sure I'm sticking to my word about talking about "the incident" that happened LAST time I posted, here's a list of the bigger, more robust points of this month:
And, alright, I know that for some of those, I was more than vague. But do you really expect to get a story out of me in less than a hundred bullets? I don't think so.
Anyway, wow, it's been a while. I actually had to check to see where I'd left off; what I'd done last. Kind of shocking, moving on...
Nick was at my house, following me around, etc., and everyone got reaquainted with him (ex-fiancees are never something anyone wants to mess around with, especially if both of you happen to be dead) and Zach was both sick and hating me for having him show up, like it was under any of MY control, at my eighty-first birthday party.
That night, I sat out on the porch swing and hoped he would come back.
The next four nights, I sat out on the porch swing and hoped he would come back.
On the sixth night, Edward came outside, sitting with me silently. He watched the stars, like he was actually out there for that sole purpose, rocking back and forth. Eventually, he sighed (dramatic, really, since we don't need to).
"Look, I know you'll choose the right things to do, and I understand that you're hurting and everything-"
"You are too."
He winced. "Yeah. One word - purple. But I just wanted to give you this."
He pulled a gift-wrapped box from beside him and handed it to me. I smiled at him, and looked guilty. He'd tried to bring a little life and happiness back, and it had totally gotten out of control. "Thanks, Ed."
"Happy late Birthday," He said, smiling, and then left without waiting for me to open it.
So when I did, I was left alone to cry.
In the package lay a picture of my family - every one of them - with a note written not in Edward's handwriting, but in my own blood-related brother's.
"Dear Clara,
Today, the entire community attended the memorium for a girl who died long ago, in a big town with a big reputation for those kind of things. Her name and the way people talked about her resembled very much my sister, but I know in my heart that my sister isn't dead.
Clara, I've lived years and years, hoping that maybe you're looking in on me, watching me and my grandchildren, my children, all going on about our lives, while though you're not here, your own life is going on somewhere else. I don't believe you to be dead in any sense; you're not the kind to get kidnapped and murdered.
I'm getting very old, and I know that you will know the names and faces of both yours and mine family, but in case something ever happens to me, or if when I die, you are somehow forgotten by them, I want you to have this picture - it's the rest of your heart all on a sheet of expensive parchment for you to keep eternally.
You will forever be my angel, dead or alive. You're my only sister, and I love you always.
Happy birthdays, Merry Christmases, and many, many apologies for not being there when you may need me.
I hope that Edward, the Earth-Angel you talked constantly about, is with you somewhere, making sure that you're safe.
Your Brother,
Cole Laylan"
The five members of my forever-lost family laughed up at me like nothing could ever be wrong in the world. Only Cole, knowing exactly what he was going to do with his copy of the picture, looked slightly serious; secure and wondering.
I didn't let go of the photo or the letter all night.
The next morning, I went up to Edward's room (after making sure Bella wasn't there - I don't know what it is about her, but it hurts so much to even TALK around her - and it's not my hurt). Knocking on the door three times, I heard a quiet 'come in'.
"Thank you."
He smiled. "I was actually worried you'd hate me for getting you that. It was at Cole's house, and I wanted to see if he'd left anything for you before he passed on so that no one else would think you were... ah... in the ground, per say, and throw it away."
"I couldn't be mad if I tried. This is too amazing of a gift, Edward. you don't know how much this means to me." I whispered.
"It's still not what you need, though."
I looked up at him in alarm.
"Go find Zach, Clara. Don't throw yourself through hell and try and keep it from everyone. I don't need to see inside your head to know that you love him."
I was horrified. "Oh, GOD! Why do you have to be the one to say these things!?"
He grinned. "Because I know how it goes. Anyway, try to reason with him. He's hurt more than you are right now, believe it or not, and doesn't understand much at the moment."
"He's being stubborn. He won't talk to me."
"Have you tried? He's a man, Clare, and he loves-"
"STOP USING THAT WORD ABOUT ME."
Edward burst into uproarish laughter. "It's just a word!"
"It hasn't ever... Oh, hell, I don't want to explain this."
I left then, Edward still laughing loud enough to hear from outside.
Alice and Rosalie wished me well (thanks a lot, Alice), and before I was even really thinking, I found myself down in LaPush, face to face with Sam.
"I know that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me, but can I please talk to Zach?"
Sam smiled down at me kindly. I don't think I've ever felt so short in my life. "That would be amazing, but... There's one slight problem; he's not here."
"What?" I was appalled. He'd run away from me, both here and at my home! WUSS, my head screamed, but I knew, for sure, that he had a reason that didn't involve anything having to do with being scared to confront me; my heart knew that one.
"He's not here; he left a couple nights back, looking kind of sleepless, and told us that he'd be back eventually, and not to look for him."
That sounded so familiar, and it didn't take long for me to peice that together with the close-to-exact same thing I'd done after Annora first saw the purple eyes and I was chasing away the pain.
...He went to the forest.
"Thanks, Sam!" I shouted behind me, running towards the woods. The clouds ahead rumbled fiercely, and several small droplets hit my nose, though I was running fast enough to miss most of them. He'd gone where I'd go, I would've bet anything in the world.
The rain started heaviest as I reached the beginning of the forest, looking quickly, smelling for him. I followed his trail to the clearing, and from there, I could see his shadow across the way.
Unfortunately, he could also see mine through the buckets of rain falling from the sky, dousing both of us.
"Go away," He said in a normal, if not more sad than usual, voice. "No one wants you here, Clara."
"Zach, I can explain, because, without trying to be cliche, that really wasn't what it looked like."
"It doesn't matter. You've told me you couldn't think of me any other way than as a friend, but what if, Clara? What if I wanted to be more than your friend?"
I was getting desperate, and the water was bugging me. I'd gotten my leather jacket on before I'd left the house, but the rain couldn't be repelled. "Maybe I wanted you to be more, too! Maybe I was just stupid enough to tell myself love was for the living!"
He sighed. "It doesn't matter," he repeated. "Especially not when you're only saying this to get me out of here." He laughed darkly. "WHY DON'T YOU BE A REL FRIEND FOR ONCE?" He yelled, as if I was actually human enough to not hear him. "LEAVE ME OUT HERE TO FIGURE ALL OF THIS OUT."
"BECAUSE, DAMMIT, I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND." I yelled angrily, instantly regretting it.
There was a minute of silence, the rain pounding on the mud and grass between us.
"You're not my friend." Zach repeated morosely.
"I can't be," I reasoned. "I love you too much."
The shadow lifted his hands up to his head. "Clara..."
"And look, okay?" I said, a desperate plea to my voice. "Nick was my finacee, and I'll admit that, but when he reoffered, I refused. The look on your face assured me that you meant everything you'd ever said to me, and I can't trade that for someone that I may not even know anymore! Nick is still my friend, and he's going to stay in Forks, but I swear, Zach, that's all he is!
"GOD!" I exclaimed at myself, and slid down the base of the tree I was by into the mud, putting my eyes in my sleeves, my fists in my hair.
There was silence, but it was okay. I was done. I'd said what I was there to say, and that was all I could really do.
"Do you really mean that?" Zach said quietly, and I lifted up my face. He was there, jacket, jeans, and all, not looking at me. His eyes were red, matching his cheeks, and his arms were limp at his side.
I'd never seen him look that depressed.
"Yeah, I really do," I said standing up. "And I am so, so sorry for treating you like something disposable."
He smiled weakly. "Maybe you should've. I was pretty cheesey there for a while."
"Months ago. We were both stupid, then?"
He laughed thoughtfully, meeting my eye. "Okay; we were both stupid. But... Can I please ask you something, and if it's too soon, okay, and if I'm being forward or back to the stupid thing, that's fine, but..." He paused, "...Would it be okay if I kissed you?"
I stood up on my toes, every part of me wet and caked in mud, and wrapped my arms around him as he kissed me.
I loved him. Plain and simple. And it had taken a freaking nuclear pitfall to make me realize that.
...Suffice to say, Alice was estatic. Edward was even grinning like an idiot, but really and truly, Alice still stole the cake: "OH, I WANT TO PLAN YOUR WEDDING, TOO, OKAY?"
It scared Zach and I both, but she assured us she really couldn't see that far into the future.
We went up to my room, where we both instantly collapsed on the bed in all of our muddy glory and made love like we were on our honeymoon.
...Just kidding, Edward.
Actually, as we lay there on the bed, both of us staring up at the ceiling like old times, Zach swore and started digging around in his jacket.
"Inconvieniences..." he mumbled, and I propped myself up on my elbow.
"You really don't have to do a self-frisk to come to our house, you know. We have deadlier things than glass bottles over 3 ounces full of liquid."
He shook his head. "No, it's just... FOUND IT!"
He held up the same, small, gift-wrapped box he'd had at the party only a week before. "I'd forgotten about it."
"Me, too, actually. But you really don't have to give me anything, Zach. I've been a personal hellraiser lately, and really, you're the only present I need." I wrapped my arms around him and lay my head on his arm.
He objected. "No, this is your birthday gift and I want you to have it anyway."
I sighed. "Boys."
He laughed. "Vampire girls who can't accept gifts."
With one of his hands holding it, I used my right hand to tear away the paper.
I looked at the velvety box, horrified and scared. "Zach, really, you're only seventeen, and I can't..."
"I'm not giving you an engagement ring." He said calmly, fighting back laughter. "I swear."
"A purity ring? Earrings?"
"No, and no."
I groaned and opened up the box.
I gasped.
Inside lay a gold ring with three oval sapphires mounted in it, framed by two tiny diamonds on each side.
"Oh, wow..."
"It was my mother's," Zach explained hastily. "It seems kind of weird for a gift, but you're there for me more than anyone else I know... Well, except Sam, and I don't think he'd take the idea of a ring very nicely."
I laughed, close to crying. "Zach, this is beautiful, and I... Well, you made so I can't refuse it, and... I'm honored."
"Good." He said, slipping it onto my pinky. "Someone needs to be."
That night was perfect. He fell asleep by my side, and I fell off into some kind of reverie, thinking about everything that had happened in the last week.
Three days later, I came home from school with Carlisle, who had been forced to check me out of a hospital.
"I can't believe this!" I exclaimed, staring at the palm of my hand.
"I can't, either. I've never heard of anything like this before."
Zach sat in the back of the car with me, holding said palm, tracing the edge of a peice of glass that was lodged in my hand. It ran from where my fingers bagan to the point right above my wrist, and though it caused a stinging sensation to move my hand back and forth, it was almost worth it the way Zach kept running his finger over it, onto my fingers, and back again.
"I thought we were indestructable!" I argued with no one.
"I thought so, too." Both Zach and Carlisle supplied. "But getting that thick of a peice of glass stuck that side up in your hand... Something must have happened." Carlisle finished.
"The beaker exploded in the Chem class we were in," I explained again, still hyped. "And one of the peices was coming towards my head, so I stuck my hand up there to block it!"
"Okay, you're right, something happened. But something with the glass or your anatomy or... something." he responded.
"It didn't bleed or anything." Zach noted, not taking his attention off of the shard. "It was just... There."
"Right. And it hurt, and I yelled a horrible cuss word, and I got sent to the hospital where you," I motioned at Carlisle to the rearview mirror, "found me, screaming at them not to look at it."
He smiled. "They thought you just didn't want to be touched."
"That was one of the reasons." I said sourly, leaning up against Zach. "But at least you were working today."
"And at least you had super-humanly strength."
I snorted as the car pulled up to the house, Zach helping me out as if I was really an invalid.
"Hey, what's this?"
There was a package on our porch, with the word "CLARA" written in thick, black sharpie.
"It wasn't me, I swear." Zach said for my sanity.
"Whatever it is, I can wait until I'm inside. No difference." I said, picking it up and opening the door.
Zach shook his head at me playfully, and lifted me up over his shoulder.
"What are you - AH, OH MY GOD, ZACH, PUT ME DOWN."
Edward met us halfway up the stairs, laughing at my situation.
"NOT FUNNY." I yelled as Zach continuted up. "If I didn't love you, I would KILL YOU right now, Zach!"
When we reached my room, he threw me on the bed and jumped on after me. "Alright! What is it?"
"Oh, okay, it says my name on it, and you want to see what it is more than I do. Would you like to open it?"
He raised an eyebrow.
"FINE, okay, I'll do it."
I ran a fingernail between the flaps, breaking the tape, and pulled the peices aside.
"Very cool." Zach said. "Foam peanuts."
I sighed, pulling back the peanuts. "What the...?"
Zach started gagging, and had to get out of the room as it moved. I was almost mesmerized, the smell of it making my head spin in the first place, and yet completely mortified.
It was a human heart. Fresh, and barely moving.
"Clara, my love," the note inside, covered with blood, read. "Don't be fooled by the one you have now; I know what can make your dead heart beat."
I felt like throwing up.
"Love eternally, Alec."
Everything was a blur for a while after that. Edward racing up to my room, disposing of the thing, Carlisle trying to calm me down, Zach having to go home, apologizing profusely; it all kind of melded together. All I could think of was that someone had died that night so that I could have some demented form of gift.
FOR TWO WEEKS, nothing else happened. No unusual occurences; the glass is forever jammed in my hand, and though it hurts, shouldn't cause too many problems. Zach and I were finally happy, and Annora and Ryan... Well, we didn't bother them to much, to their utter disbelief.
But, as usual, nothing could stay good forever.
Meet exhibit A: The Bridesmaid Dress. Except imagine it in a nice... RED.
"You look gorgeous!" Alice squealed, hugging me.
I frowned. "Alice, dear, um, what color is my hair?"
"Red...?"
"Right, and what color is this dress?"
"Red."
"Uh-huh. And what color is my skin?"
"White?"
"EXACTLY. I LOOK LIKE I'M ON FIRE."
Alice laughed, and I could see Zach leaning up against the wall, fighting back laughter of his own. "No, you don't!"
"Yes. I do. I'm all RED."
...But you know Alice (and if you don't, go back and read all previous posts). So I'm stuck here, sitting in my chair, ranting on my laptop in my hellbent dress, waiting for Annora to get home and dressed up.
...All in all, it's been pretty okay as far as life goes around here.
I'm just kind of scared for the whole heart thing.
Not-so-invincible anymore,
Clara
SO, just in case you're not much of a reader, or want to make sure I'm sticking to my word about talking about "the incident" that happened LAST time I posted, here's a list of the bigger, more robust points of this month:
- I'm typing this in my hideous bridesmaid's dress.
- Zach and I are on some very special speaking terms.
- I chose between letting Nicholas stay or making him go.
- I have a creep stalker who should hate me, but loves me.
- Several strange situations. (nothing new here...)
- I have two very pretty new 'accessories.'
- I've finally unwrapped my gifts.
And, alright, I know that for some of those, I was more than vague. But do you really expect to get a story out of me in less than a hundred bullets? I don't think so.
Anyway, wow, it's been a while. I actually had to check to see where I'd left off; what I'd done last. Kind of shocking, moving on...
Nick was at my house, following me around, etc., and everyone got reaquainted with him (ex-fiancees are never something anyone wants to mess around with, especially if both of you happen to be dead) and Zach was both sick and hating me for having him show up, like it was under any of MY control, at my eighty-first birthday party.
That night, I sat out on the porch swing and hoped he would come back.
The next four nights, I sat out on the porch swing and hoped he would come back.
On the sixth night, Edward came outside, sitting with me silently. He watched the stars, like he was actually out there for that sole purpose, rocking back and forth. Eventually, he sighed (dramatic, really, since we don't need to).
"Look, I know you'll choose the right things to do, and I understand that you're hurting and everything-"
"You are too."
He winced. "Yeah. One word - purple. But I just wanted to give you this."
He pulled a gift-wrapped box from beside him and handed it to me. I smiled at him, and looked guilty. He'd tried to bring a little life and happiness back, and it had totally gotten out of control. "Thanks, Ed."
"Happy late Birthday," He said, smiling, and then left without waiting for me to open it.
So when I did, I was left alone to cry.
In the package lay a picture of my family - every one of them - with a note written not in Edward's handwriting, but in my own blood-related brother's.
"Dear Clara,
Today, the entire community attended the memorium for a girl who died long ago, in a big town with a big reputation for those kind of things. Her name and the way people talked about her resembled very much my sister, but I know in my heart that my sister isn't dead.
Clara, I've lived years and years, hoping that maybe you're looking in on me, watching me and my grandchildren, my children, all going on about our lives, while though you're not here, your own life is going on somewhere else. I don't believe you to be dead in any sense; you're not the kind to get kidnapped and murdered.
I'm getting very old, and I know that you will know the names and faces of both yours and mine family, but in case something ever happens to me, or if when I die, you are somehow forgotten by them, I want you to have this picture - it's the rest of your heart all on a sheet of expensive parchment for you to keep eternally.
You will forever be my angel, dead or alive. You're my only sister, and I love you always.
Happy birthdays, Merry Christmases, and many, many apologies for not being there when you may need me.
I hope that Edward, the Earth-Angel you talked constantly about, is with you somewhere, making sure that you're safe.
Your Brother,
Cole Laylan"
The five members of my forever-lost family laughed up at me like nothing could ever be wrong in the world. Only Cole, knowing exactly what he was going to do with his copy of the picture, looked slightly serious; secure and wondering.
I didn't let go of the photo or the letter all night.
The next morning, I went up to Edward's room (after making sure Bella wasn't there - I don't know what it is about her, but it hurts so much to even TALK around her - and it's not my hurt). Knocking on the door three times, I heard a quiet 'come in'.
"Thank you."
He smiled. "I was actually worried you'd hate me for getting you that. It was at Cole's house, and I wanted to see if he'd left anything for you before he passed on so that no one else would think you were... ah... in the ground, per say, and throw it away."
"I couldn't be mad if I tried. This is too amazing of a gift, Edward. you don't know how much this means to me." I whispered.
"It's still not what you need, though."
I looked up at him in alarm.
"Go find Zach, Clara. Don't throw yourself through hell and try and keep it from everyone. I don't need to see inside your head to know that you love him."
I was horrified. "Oh, GOD! Why do you have to be the one to say these things!?"
He grinned. "Because I know how it goes. Anyway, try to reason with him. He's hurt more than you are right now, believe it or not, and doesn't understand much at the moment."
"He's being stubborn. He won't talk to me."
"Have you tried? He's a man, Clare, and he loves-"
"STOP USING THAT WORD ABOUT ME."
Edward burst into uproarish laughter. "It's just a word!"
"It hasn't ever... Oh, hell, I don't want to explain this."
I left then, Edward still laughing loud enough to hear from outside.
Alice and Rosalie wished me well (thanks a lot, Alice), and before I was even really thinking, I found myself down in LaPush, face to face with Sam.
"I know that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me, but can I please talk to Zach?"
Sam smiled down at me kindly. I don't think I've ever felt so short in my life. "That would be amazing, but... There's one slight problem; he's not here."
"What?" I was appalled. He'd run away from me, both here and at my home! WUSS, my head screamed, but I knew, for sure, that he had a reason that didn't involve anything having to do with being scared to confront me; my heart knew that one.
"He's not here; he left a couple nights back, looking kind of sleepless, and told us that he'd be back eventually, and not to look for him."
That sounded so familiar, and it didn't take long for me to peice that together with the close-to-exact same thing I'd done after Annora first saw the purple eyes and I was chasing away the pain.
...He went to the forest.
"Thanks, Sam!" I shouted behind me, running towards the woods. The clouds ahead rumbled fiercely, and several small droplets hit my nose, though I was running fast enough to miss most of them. He'd gone where I'd go, I would've bet anything in the world.
The rain started heaviest as I reached the beginning of the forest, looking quickly, smelling for him. I followed his trail to the clearing, and from there, I could see his shadow across the way.
Unfortunately, he could also see mine through the buckets of rain falling from the sky, dousing both of us.
"Go away," He said in a normal, if not more sad than usual, voice. "No one wants you here, Clara."
"Zach, I can explain, because, without trying to be cliche, that really wasn't what it looked like."
"It doesn't matter. You've told me you couldn't think of me any other way than as a friend, but what if, Clara? What if I wanted to be more than your friend?"
I was getting desperate, and the water was bugging me. I'd gotten my leather jacket on before I'd left the house, but the rain couldn't be repelled. "Maybe I wanted you to be more, too! Maybe I was just stupid enough to tell myself love was for the living!"
He sighed. "It doesn't matter," he repeated. "Especially not when you're only saying this to get me out of here." He laughed darkly. "WHY DON'T YOU BE A REL FRIEND FOR ONCE?" He yelled, as if I was actually human enough to not hear him. "LEAVE ME OUT HERE TO FIGURE ALL OF THIS OUT."
"BECAUSE, DAMMIT, I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND." I yelled angrily, instantly regretting it.
There was a minute of silence, the rain pounding on the mud and grass between us.
"You're not my friend." Zach repeated morosely.
"I can't be," I reasoned. "I love you too much."
The shadow lifted his hands up to his head. "Clara..."
"And look, okay?" I said, a desperate plea to my voice. "Nick was my finacee, and I'll admit that, but when he reoffered, I refused. The look on your face assured me that you meant everything you'd ever said to me, and I can't trade that for someone that I may not even know anymore! Nick is still my friend, and he's going to stay in Forks, but I swear, Zach, that's all he is!
"GOD!" I exclaimed at myself, and slid down the base of the tree I was by into the mud, putting my eyes in my sleeves, my fists in my hair.
There was silence, but it was okay. I was done. I'd said what I was there to say, and that was all I could really do.
"Do you really mean that?" Zach said quietly, and I lifted up my face. He was there, jacket, jeans, and all, not looking at me. His eyes were red, matching his cheeks, and his arms were limp at his side.
I'd never seen him look that depressed.
"Yeah, I really do," I said standing up. "And I am so, so sorry for treating you like something disposable."
He smiled weakly. "Maybe you should've. I was pretty cheesey there for a while."
"Months ago. We were both stupid, then?"
He laughed thoughtfully, meeting my eye. "Okay; we were both stupid. But... Can I please ask you something, and if it's too soon, okay, and if I'm being forward or back to the stupid thing, that's fine, but..." He paused, "...Would it be okay if I kissed you?"
I stood up on my toes, every part of me wet and caked in mud, and wrapped my arms around him as he kissed me.
I loved him. Plain and simple. And it had taken a freaking nuclear pitfall to make me realize that.
...Suffice to say, Alice was estatic. Edward was even grinning like an idiot, but really and truly, Alice still stole the cake: "OH, I WANT TO PLAN YOUR WEDDING, TOO, OKAY?"
It scared Zach and I both, but she assured us she really couldn't see that far into the future.
We went up to my room, where we both instantly collapsed on the bed in all of our muddy glory and made love like we were on our honeymoon.
...Just kidding, Edward.
Actually, as we lay there on the bed, both of us staring up at the ceiling like old times, Zach swore and started digging around in his jacket.
"Inconvieniences..." he mumbled, and I propped myself up on my elbow.
"You really don't have to do a self-frisk to come to our house, you know. We have deadlier things than glass bottles over 3 ounces full of liquid."
He shook his head. "No, it's just... FOUND IT!"
He held up the same, small, gift-wrapped box he'd had at the party only a week before. "I'd forgotten about it."
"Me, too, actually. But you really don't have to give me anything, Zach. I've been a personal hellraiser lately, and really, you're the only present I need." I wrapped my arms around him and lay my head on his arm.
He objected. "No, this is your birthday gift and I want you to have it anyway."
I sighed. "Boys."
He laughed. "Vampire girls who can't accept gifts."
With one of his hands holding it, I used my right hand to tear away the paper.
I looked at the velvety box, horrified and scared. "Zach, really, you're only seventeen, and I can't..."
"I'm not giving you an engagement ring." He said calmly, fighting back laughter. "I swear."
"A purity ring? Earrings?"
"No, and no."
I groaned and opened up the box.
I gasped.
Inside lay a gold ring with three oval sapphires mounted in it, framed by two tiny diamonds on each side.
"Oh, wow..."
"It was my mother's," Zach explained hastily. "It seems kind of weird for a gift, but you're there for me more than anyone else I know... Well, except Sam, and I don't think he'd take the idea of a ring very nicely."
I laughed, close to crying. "Zach, this is beautiful, and I... Well, you made so I can't refuse it, and... I'm honored."
"Good." He said, slipping it onto my pinky. "Someone needs to be."
That night was perfect. He fell asleep by my side, and I fell off into some kind of reverie, thinking about everything that had happened in the last week.
Three days later, I came home from school with Carlisle, who had been forced to check me out of a hospital.
"I can't believe this!" I exclaimed, staring at the palm of my hand.
"I can't, either. I've never heard of anything like this before."
Zach sat in the back of the car with me, holding said palm, tracing the edge of a peice of glass that was lodged in my hand. It ran from where my fingers bagan to the point right above my wrist, and though it caused a stinging sensation to move my hand back and forth, it was almost worth it the way Zach kept running his finger over it, onto my fingers, and back again.
"I thought we were indestructable!" I argued with no one.
"I thought so, too." Both Zach and Carlisle supplied. "But getting that thick of a peice of glass stuck that side up in your hand... Something must have happened." Carlisle finished.
"The beaker exploded in the Chem class we were in," I explained again, still hyped. "And one of the peices was coming towards my head, so I stuck my hand up there to block it!"
"Okay, you're right, something happened. But something with the glass or your anatomy or... something." he responded.
"It didn't bleed or anything." Zach noted, not taking his attention off of the shard. "It was just... There."
"Right. And it hurt, and I yelled a horrible cuss word, and I got sent to the hospital where you," I motioned at Carlisle to the rearview mirror, "found me, screaming at them not to look at it."
He smiled. "They thought you just didn't want to be touched."
"That was one of the reasons." I said sourly, leaning up against Zach. "But at least you were working today."
"And at least you had super-humanly strength."
I snorted as the car pulled up to the house, Zach helping me out as if I was really an invalid.
"Hey, what's this?"
There was a package on our porch, with the word "CLARA" written in thick, black sharpie.
"It wasn't me, I swear." Zach said for my sanity.
"Whatever it is, I can wait until I'm inside. No difference." I said, picking it up and opening the door.
Zach shook his head at me playfully, and lifted me up over his shoulder.
"What are you - AH, OH MY GOD, ZACH, PUT ME DOWN."
Edward met us halfway up the stairs, laughing at my situation.
"NOT FUNNY." I yelled as Zach continuted up. "If I didn't love you, I would KILL YOU right now, Zach!"
When we reached my room, he threw me on the bed and jumped on after me. "Alright! What is it?"
"Oh, okay, it says my name on it, and you want to see what it is more than I do. Would you like to open it?"
He raised an eyebrow.
"FINE, okay, I'll do it."
I ran a fingernail between the flaps, breaking the tape, and pulled the peices aside.
"Very cool." Zach said. "Foam peanuts."
I sighed, pulling back the peanuts. "What the...?"
Zach started gagging, and had to get out of the room as it moved. I was almost mesmerized, the smell of it making my head spin in the first place, and yet completely mortified.
It was a human heart. Fresh, and barely moving.
"Clara, my love," the note inside, covered with blood, read. "Don't be fooled by the one you have now; I know what can make your dead heart beat."
I felt like throwing up.
"Love eternally, Alec."
Everything was a blur for a while after that. Edward racing up to my room, disposing of the thing, Carlisle trying to calm me down, Zach having to go home, apologizing profusely; it all kind of melded together. All I could think of was that someone had died that night so that I could have some demented form of gift.
FOR TWO WEEKS, nothing else happened. No unusual occurences; the glass is forever jammed in my hand, and though it hurts, shouldn't cause too many problems. Zach and I were finally happy, and Annora and Ryan... Well, we didn't bother them to much, to their utter disbelief.
But, as usual, nothing could stay good forever.
Meet exhibit A: The Bridesmaid Dress. Except imagine it in a nice... RED.
"You look gorgeous!" Alice squealed, hugging me.
I frowned. "Alice, dear, um, what color is my hair?"
"Red...?"
"Right, and what color is this dress?"
"Red."
"Uh-huh. And what color is my skin?"
"White?"
"EXACTLY. I LOOK LIKE I'M ON FIRE."
Alice laughed, and I could see Zach leaning up against the wall, fighting back laughter of his own. "No, you don't!"
"Yes. I do. I'm all RED."
...But you know Alice (and if you don't, go back and read all previous posts). So I'm stuck here, sitting in my chair, ranting on my laptop in my hellbent dress, waiting for Annora to get home and dressed up.
...All in all, it's been pretty okay as far as life goes around here.
I'm just kind of scared for the whole heart thing.
Not-so-invincible anymore,
Clara
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Happy Birthday to You...
I’m going to be disowned, and I’ll deserve so much worse than that if they ever know the whole story. Oh, God, help me.
And today? Today’s my birthday.
My eightieth, in the real sense. As for my cover? I’m seventeen.
Five days ago, I was as close to okay as I was bound to get.
Wednesday didn’t start out any differently from any other day. It was basically just school without talking to anyone (including Zach, who’s actually able to get colds, I found out), and going home with Edward.
But it wasn’t like before.
Whereas Edward usually talks, or makes ME talk, he was completely quiet and ignored all of my dumb attempts at conversation. He didn’t look happy at all, and to tell the truth, if I was him and my girlfriend was constantly in danger from both clumsiness and/or vampiric death, I wouldn’t be happy to pick up my sister either. But when I brought that up, trying to get him to admit he was worrying, he just frowned deeply and shook his head, looking at me intensely with steely eyes.
You think I would’ve guessed that something going on, concerning me. But no. I’m not that bright.
For the rest of the week, Edward was always around me, refusing to talk and seeming furious, looking like more like an angry god than an angel. I caught him near me constantly, even in the middle of the night, when he’d come in, claiming to be looking for something, giving me a hateful look while he “searched.”
Finally, last night, I just locked him out of my room, end of story.
He was mad, and he made me promise to come down every two point five hours or he’d break the door in, but really, whatever got him off of my back was perfect for me.
And five minutes after I was perfectly sure that he was gone, I was back to listening to my music, finishing up an end-of-semester report for Zoology. I hated the class, because I was learning about all of my food and really had no intention of working with animals in the future.
It was like learning that your applesauce can actually cry for it’s counterparts or develop AIDS.
But then again, Annora had talked me into taking it, just because she was hoping that maybe it would increase my want to get off of a blood-diet, which unfortunately, is not going to happen anytime ever, and I wasn’t in a mood to disagree with her.
As I worked, I heard timy taps, like branches rubbing against my window. But seeing as how there were no trees around, it was obviously my favorite person in the world, coming to see me in the middle of the night, when he was supposed to be sleeping.
The sound would’ve gotten to Edward, who might as well have been sitting outside of my door, so I opened the window.
“Shhs, Zach! Two seconds!”
I got no response, but I reclosed the window just in time to hear Edward. “Clara, what’s going on?”
I groaned dramatically, and lied, since he was so exhausted and wasn’t trying to listen in on my thoughts. “I was figiting. But lighten up, Ed. Just because I’m playing pick-up with my pencils doesn’t mean someone’s coming to eat me.” I smiled. Zach was about the closest thing to dangerous I had at the moment, and though he probably actually could eat me, I kind of doubted it.
“Whatever. Just be careful.”
“I’m in my ROOM, with locked EVERYTHING.”
“Still... Just do it.”
I heard him sigh and leave, then went over to the window and reopened it. “Okay, you’re clear. But are you retarded?! Edward could hear that!” I whispered.
I heard him chuckle, and I smiled, going back to my paper.
I heard him climb through the window, and I started saving the document and printing a copy out. “Okay, so what are you doing in the middle of the...”
I turned around to face him, and my breath caught.
“Hey, Clarabelle.” Tender eyes looked at me forlornly, the whispering voice coming from pink lips seeming almost playful. “Happy Birthday.”
I stared at him for a minute, and then tried to throw up.
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Clara. She believed that love could save her, and that the most innocent and pure love could be found in youth, which, don’t get her wrong, can. But with youth also comes stupidity, and with stupidity comes no space for big mistakes.
And unfortunately enough, Clara made a big mistake: She fell in love with the perfect guy.
All of the sudden, I was close to hyperventilating, and I didn’t even really have to breathe.
He stood there and smiled at me. “I’m not here to hurt you.”
I stared at him with wide eyes that wouldn’t seem to close. “You’re not here. You... You can’t be.”
“Okay, or maybe I am, if this is how you really feel towards me. So let me rephrase: I’m not here to purposely hurt you.” He said, sighing.
Nicholas was charming, sweet, and loved her unconditionally, and soon enough, in the last year of high school, he proposed. She, being the idiot that she was, said yes, and the date was set: December 18, 1944 --- Just under a month after she would turn seventeen. He, himself, was eighteen and a loner kid who had been overlooked by so many eyes who were looking for a “good” husband. That’s not to say that he wasn’t beautiful, though. With light grey eyes and hair so dark brown that it looked indescernable from the darkest black.
I couldn’t have gotten out of the office chair had I tried. All of my super vampiriky strength had completely left me.
But not in the literal sense. Oh, no. This guy could do more than that, and I knew it.
“So,” he said, still smiling softly, sitting down on my couch. “Who’s Zach?”
“You have to leave...” I whispered. “You... You’re not supposed to... I can’t... I’m...”
“Dead.” He sighed. “I know.”
But two months before the wedding, Clara disappeared without a note, sign, or any evidence at all. Alerts were issued and the police were called in, but finding nothing, called off soon. The boy was destitute and heartbroken, not eating or seeing anyone until they could find her.
They never did.
My breathing came in ragged gasps, like I was grasping for something normal and human to hold on to while this was happening. It was a dream; a nightmare that I’d lived over and over for years on end.
“How?” I choked out. “How did this happen? Why are you still...” It dawned on me, and I wretched again. “No. Oh, no. You’re not, and this can’t be!”
He took a shuddering breath, and I could almost taste his pain. It wasn’t anything that was physically killing him, but the emotional feel for the situation he’d just thrown himself in was insane. It was like suicide.
But, seeing as how he’d changed, pun intended, he wouldn’t be killed that easily.
“I knew what happened to you, but I wasn’t just going to walk up to you and say ‘hey, Clare, it’s still me, and it can still be like old times.’ You were beautiful and you were something that scared me even more than my own immortality.”
The memorial grew grey and cold, and was set to rest with a pointless headstone. Clara was the ghost who haunted every hall with her memory and who’s story inspired hundreds to not go out at night. She was a nightmare for everyone. And just outside Denali National Park, the one girl who she haunted consistantly, every waking moment of every waking day, lived.
I stood up, shaky still. “I can’t do this.” I gasped. “I need... I need Edward.”
The sad smile left his face in place of a lonely, knowing look as he nodded his consent. He’d never been one to run away.
“That’s okay, Clara. I understand. Just...” He hesitated, and I felt like I was going to explode. “Just remember, okay?” The sad smile was back, and if I wasn’t completely freaked out about seeing the eternally preserved eighteen-year-old in my room, I would’ve started crying and...
I don’t even want to think about it.
“So is this what your ability is?” I accused him. “Convincing people to see things how you did? Because we already have a person who can do that, and I don’t need any more of it.”
He frowned. “Abilities?”
A sob escaped, the tears dried up before I’d ever wanted to cry them, and his face grew dim.
“Clara...” He looked like he was fighting something, and then he came to where I now sat in a pile on the floor on my knees, and wrapped his arms around me. “Clara... Shhh... It’s okay swe-.... It’s... It’ll be okay. I’m so sorry....” he whispered.
It killed me for him to be doing this. Cold skin againist cold skin created something strange, and a feeling of uttermost misplacement. I was supposed to be warm; he was supposed to be warm. And by now, we were supposed to...
NO!
I pulled away. “I don’t... I can’t.”
He gave me a sideways smile. “I knew and know.”
“But... I need you to explain to me. I need you to tell me what happened and what’s going to happen. Where and how and why and what and everything that I couldn’t know because of a single bullet.” I was talking fast, and without really thinking, but he knew what I meant.
“I will.”
I looked at him, a feeling of dread and absolute terror spreading through me. “You promise me the truth?”
He nodded. “I promise you everything, as long as you swear to remember.”
I shook my head. “I can’t, Nicholas. I really can’t, as much as I’d lo... I’d like to.”
He ran a hand over his face, immune to blemish and perfect to the eye, and looked up at me gently. “Okay, Clare. But just... Try to.”
He helped me up, and opened the door to the hallway. I stood where I was, watching him carefully.
“Come on,” He coaxed. “The rest of the family probably knows already.”
I shuddered. I was dead. So, so, dead. And Nick? He was wrong. Incredibly wrong.
Because Edward hadn’t really suspected anything.
“SURPRISE!” Eight voices who happened to be holding a huge cake screamed at Nick as he stood in the doorway to the living room, stunned.
It took less than a second.
“Who the hell?!”
“CLARA!”
“What’s going on?!”
“There’s another one of you?!”
“Oh, no, not again...”
“I KNEW IT!”
There was a pause, and then: “Nice to see you again, Nicholas.” The room fell silent as Edward held Nick’s eyes. “It’s been a long time.”
He smiled. “Yeah, and now I’m back. And just like you guys. No harm, no foul, ri-...”
“HELL NO.” Emmett roared.
Edward smiled grimly. “He’s right.”
“BOTH OF YOU, STOP.” I yelled. “I’m so SICK of this happening every time someone comes over. We’re supposed to TRUST one another, remember?!”
Zach looked sick from across the table, where a box sat, wrapped in mangled paper. “What the hell, Clara?” He asked slowly. “Why?”
“Zach...” He shook his head and left without hesitating, his hurt worse than my own.
I swore loudly, and heard Emmett snort. “Do you even SEE this?! This isn’t family – This isn’t anything LIKE that!”
Annora looked on the whole sight pretty well, considering she didn’t know anything about what had happened. She hadn’t even been alive when the whole lot of us had gone to school together. Emmett looked completely disgusted, even though he was looking straight into his best friend’s eyes, and even Jasper, who hadn’t been involved with any outside relationships was burning in hate. Alice and Rosalie looked mildy irritated, but I knew and felt so much more.
“Nice, Clara.” Ryan commented, his arm around Annora.
I swallowed hard and swore again before going back upstairs. That had been it. I couldn’t take any more at all.
I locked my door and went into my closet and locked that one.
In one night, I’d manged to get older, reminisce, be completely afraid, love, chase away my best friend, and internally implode.
And among the snow and ice, she couldn’t forget who she really was, but she tried as hard as she possibly could. Nothing good could come of remembering.
Remembering love was one of those promises that I didn't want to go through again.
“Happy Birthday, Dear Clara...”
And today? Today’s my birthday.
My eightieth, in the real sense. As for my cover? I’m seventeen.
Five days ago, I was as close to okay as I was bound to get.
Wednesday didn’t start out any differently from any other day. It was basically just school without talking to anyone (including Zach, who’s actually able to get colds, I found out), and going home with Edward.
But it wasn’t like before.
Whereas Edward usually talks, or makes ME talk, he was completely quiet and ignored all of my dumb attempts at conversation. He didn’t look happy at all, and to tell the truth, if I was him and my girlfriend was constantly in danger from both clumsiness and/or vampiric death, I wouldn’t be happy to pick up my sister either. But when I brought that up, trying to get him to admit he was worrying, he just frowned deeply and shook his head, looking at me intensely with steely eyes.
You think I would’ve guessed that something going on, concerning me. But no. I’m not that bright.
For the rest of the week, Edward was always around me, refusing to talk and seeming furious, looking like more like an angry god than an angel. I caught him near me constantly, even in the middle of the night, when he’d come in, claiming to be looking for something, giving me a hateful look while he “searched.”
Finally, last night, I just locked him out of my room, end of story.
He was mad, and he made me promise to come down every two point five hours or he’d break the door in, but really, whatever got him off of my back was perfect for me.
And five minutes after I was perfectly sure that he was gone, I was back to listening to my music, finishing up an end-of-semester report for Zoology. I hated the class, because I was learning about all of my food and really had no intention of working with animals in the future.
It was like learning that your applesauce can actually cry for it’s counterparts or develop AIDS.
But then again, Annora had talked me into taking it, just because she was hoping that maybe it would increase my want to get off of a blood-diet, which unfortunately, is not going to happen anytime ever, and I wasn’t in a mood to disagree with her.
As I worked, I heard timy taps, like branches rubbing against my window. But seeing as how there were no trees around, it was obviously my favorite person in the world, coming to see me in the middle of the night, when he was supposed to be sleeping.
The sound would’ve gotten to Edward, who might as well have been sitting outside of my door, so I opened the window.
“Shhs, Zach! Two seconds!”
I got no response, but I reclosed the window just in time to hear Edward. “Clara, what’s going on?”
I groaned dramatically, and lied, since he was so exhausted and wasn’t trying to listen in on my thoughts. “I was figiting. But lighten up, Ed. Just because I’m playing pick-up with my pencils doesn’t mean someone’s coming to eat me.” I smiled. Zach was about the closest thing to dangerous I had at the moment, and though he probably actually could eat me, I kind of doubted it.
“Whatever. Just be careful.”
“I’m in my ROOM, with locked EVERYTHING.”
“Still... Just do it.”
I heard him sigh and leave, then went over to the window and reopened it. “Okay, you’re clear. But are you retarded?! Edward could hear that!” I whispered.
I heard him chuckle, and I smiled, going back to my paper.
I heard him climb through the window, and I started saving the document and printing a copy out. “Okay, so what are you doing in the middle of the...”
I turned around to face him, and my breath caught.
“Hey, Clarabelle.” Tender eyes looked at me forlornly, the whispering voice coming from pink lips seeming almost playful. “Happy Birthday.”
I stared at him for a minute, and then tried to throw up.
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Clara. She believed that love could save her, and that the most innocent and pure love could be found in youth, which, don’t get her wrong, can. But with youth also comes stupidity, and with stupidity comes no space for big mistakes.
And unfortunately enough, Clara made a big mistake: She fell in love with the perfect guy.
All of the sudden, I was close to hyperventilating, and I didn’t even really have to breathe.
He stood there and smiled at me. “I’m not here to hurt you.”
I stared at him with wide eyes that wouldn’t seem to close. “You’re not here. You... You can’t be.”
“Okay, or maybe I am, if this is how you really feel towards me. So let me rephrase: I’m not here to purposely hurt you.” He said, sighing.
Nicholas was charming, sweet, and loved her unconditionally, and soon enough, in the last year of high school, he proposed. She, being the idiot that she was, said yes, and the date was set: December 18, 1944 --- Just under a month after she would turn seventeen. He, himself, was eighteen and a loner kid who had been overlooked by so many eyes who were looking for a “good” husband. That’s not to say that he wasn’t beautiful, though. With light grey eyes and hair so dark brown that it looked indescernable from the darkest black.
I couldn’t have gotten out of the office chair had I tried. All of my super vampiriky strength had completely left me.
But not in the literal sense. Oh, no. This guy could do more than that, and I knew it.
“So,” he said, still smiling softly, sitting down on my couch. “Who’s Zach?”
“You have to leave...” I whispered. “You... You’re not supposed to... I can’t... I’m...”
“Dead.” He sighed. “I know.”
But two months before the wedding, Clara disappeared without a note, sign, or any evidence at all. Alerts were issued and the police were called in, but finding nothing, called off soon. The boy was destitute and heartbroken, not eating or seeing anyone until they could find her.
They never did.
My breathing came in ragged gasps, like I was grasping for something normal and human to hold on to while this was happening. It was a dream; a nightmare that I’d lived over and over for years on end.
“How?” I choked out. “How did this happen? Why are you still...” It dawned on me, and I wretched again. “No. Oh, no. You’re not, and this can’t be!”
He took a shuddering breath, and I could almost taste his pain. It wasn’t anything that was physically killing him, but the emotional feel for the situation he’d just thrown himself in was insane. It was like suicide.
But, seeing as how he’d changed, pun intended, he wouldn’t be killed that easily.
“I knew what happened to you, but I wasn’t just going to walk up to you and say ‘hey, Clare, it’s still me, and it can still be like old times.’ You were beautiful and you were something that scared me even more than my own immortality.”
The memorial grew grey and cold, and was set to rest with a pointless headstone. Clara was the ghost who haunted every hall with her memory and who’s story inspired hundreds to not go out at night. She was a nightmare for everyone. And just outside Denali National Park, the one girl who she haunted consistantly, every waking moment of every waking day, lived.
I stood up, shaky still. “I can’t do this.” I gasped. “I need... I need Edward.”
The sad smile left his face in place of a lonely, knowing look as he nodded his consent. He’d never been one to run away.
“That’s okay, Clara. I understand. Just...” He hesitated, and I felt like I was going to explode. “Just remember, okay?” The sad smile was back, and if I wasn’t completely freaked out about seeing the eternally preserved eighteen-year-old in my room, I would’ve started crying and...
I don’t even want to think about it.
“So is this what your ability is?” I accused him. “Convincing people to see things how you did? Because we already have a person who can do that, and I don’t need any more of it.”
He frowned. “Abilities?”
A sob escaped, the tears dried up before I’d ever wanted to cry them, and his face grew dim.
“Clara...” He looked like he was fighting something, and then he came to where I now sat in a pile on the floor on my knees, and wrapped his arms around me. “Clara... Shhh... It’s okay swe-.... It’s... It’ll be okay. I’m so sorry....” he whispered.
It killed me for him to be doing this. Cold skin againist cold skin created something strange, and a feeling of uttermost misplacement. I was supposed to be warm; he was supposed to be warm. And by now, we were supposed to...
NO!
I pulled away. “I don’t... I can’t.”
He gave me a sideways smile. “I knew and know.”
“But... I need you to explain to me. I need you to tell me what happened and what’s going to happen. Where and how and why and what and everything that I couldn’t know because of a single bullet.” I was talking fast, and without really thinking, but he knew what I meant.
“I will.”
I looked at him, a feeling of dread and absolute terror spreading through me. “You promise me the truth?”
He nodded. “I promise you everything, as long as you swear to remember.”
I shook my head. “I can’t, Nicholas. I really can’t, as much as I’d lo... I’d like to.”
He ran a hand over his face, immune to blemish and perfect to the eye, and looked up at me gently. “Okay, Clare. But just... Try to.”
He helped me up, and opened the door to the hallway. I stood where I was, watching him carefully.
“Come on,” He coaxed. “The rest of the family probably knows already.”
I shuddered. I was dead. So, so, dead. And Nick? He was wrong. Incredibly wrong.
Because Edward hadn’t really suspected anything.
“SURPRISE!” Eight voices who happened to be holding a huge cake screamed at Nick as he stood in the doorway to the living room, stunned.
It took less than a second.
“Who the hell?!”
“CLARA!”
“What’s going on?!”
“There’s another one of you?!”
“Oh, no, not again...”
“I KNEW IT!”
There was a pause, and then: “Nice to see you again, Nicholas.” The room fell silent as Edward held Nick’s eyes. “It’s been a long time.”
He smiled. “Yeah, and now I’m back. And just like you guys. No harm, no foul, ri-...”
“HELL NO.” Emmett roared.
Edward smiled grimly. “He’s right.”
“BOTH OF YOU, STOP.” I yelled. “I’m so SICK of this happening every time someone comes over. We’re supposed to TRUST one another, remember?!”
Zach looked sick from across the table, where a box sat, wrapped in mangled paper. “What the hell, Clara?” He asked slowly. “Why?”
“Zach...” He shook his head and left without hesitating, his hurt worse than my own.
I swore loudly, and heard Emmett snort. “Do you even SEE this?! This isn’t family – This isn’t anything LIKE that!”
Annora looked on the whole sight pretty well, considering she didn’t know anything about what had happened. She hadn’t even been alive when the whole lot of us had gone to school together. Emmett looked completely disgusted, even though he was looking straight into his best friend’s eyes, and even Jasper, who hadn’t been involved with any outside relationships was burning in hate. Alice and Rosalie looked mildy irritated, but I knew and felt so much more.
“Nice, Clara.” Ryan commented, his arm around Annora.
I swallowed hard and swore again before going back upstairs. That had been it. I couldn’t take any more at all.
I locked my door and went into my closet and locked that one.
In one night, I’d manged to get older, reminisce, be completely afraid, love, chase away my best friend, and internally implode.
And among the snow and ice, she couldn’t forget who she really was, but she tried as hard as she possibly could. Nothing good could come of remembering.
Remembering love was one of those promises that I didn't want to go through again.
“Happy Birthday, Dear Clara...”
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Telling the Truth, for Once.
This morning, when Zach woke up and got changed into some of Emmett's clothes (he looks adorable in them --- They don't fit him too well, and it makes him look like a kid), and after Annora came in and jumped on me in a huge hug, Zach called me over from my place at the desk, and made room on the bed next to him for me to lay down.
"I want to know everything about you." he informed me, looking up at the ceiling like I was.
"Why?" I moaned. "I'm really not that interesting, I swear."
He kind of smiled, and slipped back into serious mode. "No, but seriously, Clara, I really do. I want to know your entire story, start to finish - not the edited version you're giving everyone else, too."
I had to look over at him for a minute, gaping. "What?"
"You're a pretty good liar for having a brother with mind-reading superpowers."
I frowned. "First of all, they aren't superpowers. If Edward hears you call them that, it will all go to his already-inflated head and he'll start thinking he's God or something. Secondly, I'm not lying, and how would you know anyways?"
He smiled slyly. "I do talk to your family, you know."
I groaned. "Why would you ever do something like that?"
He shrugged. "You're avoiding the story, Clare."
"Maybe I don't want to talk about it."
He looked at me. I just kept looking at the ceiling, unsmiling. He'd hit a sensitive spot, and he knew it.
"Sorry."
I didn't move for a minute, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw him turn back to looking at the ceiling.
I took a deep breath.
"Once upon a time, I was normal. Well, at least as normal as far as being human goes. I was raised in New York, where I was extremetly well-known, somewhat what Rosalie was for her time, but my popularity was just because I was too adventurous, always got in trouble, and was the daughter of a up-and-coming movie star father who loved and adored me. It was kind of strange, though, because I was sensitive to other people, and when anyone had a problem, they were always coming to me to talk about it, no matter who they were, even though I was spoiled rotten, practically.
Three days after I turned sixteen, my father had a heart attack and died."
I paused, catching my breath. Zach reached over and wrapped his hand around mine.
"When my dad died, I started believing in ghost stories and things that could happen to someone when you thought they were dead, including... Vampires." Zach winced.
"I'd never really thought anything like them had existed, but I absolutely refused to think my father had actually died so suddenly. I blamed the vampires, I blamed the Devil, I blamed ghosts... I blamed about anything that I knew nothing about.
"I became even more adventurous than ususal, going to the darker parts of town, down allies where people regularly got killed... Basically anywhere I thought any of my creatures could've been hiding."
"A two weeks before I turned seventeen, I met a vampire. Finally. He was beautiful, with reddish hair and pale skin, with copper eyes that were ever-so-slightly tinged with red." I smiled, remembering.
Zach shuddered. "You met Edward."
"Yeah, I did. But when I saw him, instead of feeling all the rage that had been building up inside of me, I could literally almost feel his pain. He looked so exhausted and upset.
"So we talked for a long time, day after day, and eventually, I told him my story.
"'I truly am sorry,' he had said, looking wistful, 'but I still don't understand what I have to do with this. If I could help, I would.'
"'Change me into what you are,' I told him. 'I want to live forever and not cause anyone pain at all.'
"Well, that went over slightly different than I'd pictured it. Edward became furious, and told me that only in dire and needy situations was anyone even going to be considered to be changed. The pain, the life... He'd described it all to me in perfect detail, but I still couldn't see the problem. I'd just become like him and eat deer or lions or any other animals. Dogs, even if..."
I winced. Zach smiled dryly.
"Sorry. But back then, I wouldn't have thought twice about it."
"He changed you, didn't he?" Zach said, looking sick.
"No... Actually, he didn't. He was far too gallant, and seeing as how you've seen inside Jacob's twisted mind, you realize that he still is."
Zach looked grim.
"Anyway, I happened to take those words to heart. Becoming a vampire became somewhat of an obsession, like getting into an exclusive club. Edward became constantly angry at me, trying to get the stupid idea out of my head, but I was already too far gone."
I looked over at Zach, who's chocolate eyes were staring at me apologetically. It was so strange for me to be just telling my story like this.
"The next week, I was waiting down the alley for Edward when it all happened. We were arguing, as usual, when some assinine idiot New Yorker decided to pull a major drive-by."
I sighed. "And that's where the bullet came from." I poked right under my throat, close to my collarbone. "It's still there."
Zach turned over, leaning up on his elbow, looking almost angry. "And you still stick to the fact that Edward didn't do it?"
I nodded slowly. "Later, Edward told me that Carlisle had finally wrangled him in on the vegan plan, and he decided to let me believe that he'd never existed." I smiled ruefully. "Bella's whole exit plan was based on previous experience, except that he didn't count on someone else changing me.
"When I moved from Alaska to Forks, I had to face Edward for the first time in a long time. He remembered me, and we agreed that the best way to not bring the subject of me being changed up was to fake it." I shrugged. "And that's that."
Zach still looked angry. "He could've stopped it."
I froze. "What?"
"He could've stopped the bullet, had he been there."
I sat up. "You don't know what you're talking about."
He shook his head. "He could've taken the bullet for you and lived."
"Just like I could've saved my family by diving in-between the cars? Jesus, Zach!"
Zach's face dropped, and I closed my eyes.
"Sorry." He said, moving closer to me after a minute. "I'm just a little freaked right now. I can't picture you lying on the street, dying, and Edward not being there to help, even though you'd trusted him with your life every single day for those weeks."
I kind of laughed, pressure building up inside of me again, and leaned into his arms. He hugged me. "You've been through hell, Clare."
"Yeah, but then again, who hasn't in this family?"
He kissed my forehead, and we just kind of laid there for a while before Zach had to go to work and check in down at La Push.
The family's been high on terror alerts. We're so afraid that the purple-eyed freaks are coming back for Annora, and that Alice won't be able to see it.
Edward came in a few minutes ago, though, and sat down on my bed, where I had my music blasting. He muted it, and smiled a little.
"I really am sorry for not being there." he admitted.
Anyways, I think I may run down to the store to get some more ice cream for Annora. I need to get out again, just to get some air.
I'm way too unsafe. Ha, ha.
-Clara
"I want to know everything about you." he informed me, looking up at the ceiling like I was.
"Why?" I moaned. "I'm really not that interesting, I swear."
He kind of smiled, and slipped back into serious mode. "No, but seriously, Clara, I really do. I want to know your entire story, start to finish - not the edited version you're giving everyone else, too."
I had to look over at him for a minute, gaping. "What?"
"You're a pretty good liar for having a brother with mind-reading superpowers."
I frowned. "First of all, they aren't superpowers. If Edward hears you call them that, it will all go to his already-inflated head and he'll start thinking he's God or something. Secondly, I'm not lying, and how would you know anyways?"
He smiled slyly. "I do talk to your family, you know."
I groaned. "Why would you ever do something like that?"
He shrugged. "You're avoiding the story, Clare."
"Maybe I don't want to talk about it."
He looked at me. I just kept looking at the ceiling, unsmiling. He'd hit a sensitive spot, and he knew it.
"Sorry."
I didn't move for a minute, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw him turn back to looking at the ceiling.
I took a deep breath.
"Once upon a time, I was normal. Well, at least as normal as far as being human goes. I was raised in New York, where I was extremetly well-known, somewhat what Rosalie was for her time, but my popularity was just because I was too adventurous, always got in trouble, and was the daughter of a up-and-coming movie star father who loved and adored me. It was kind of strange, though, because I was sensitive to other people, and when anyone had a problem, they were always coming to me to talk about it, no matter who they were, even though I was spoiled rotten, practically.
Three days after I turned sixteen, my father had a heart attack and died."
I paused, catching my breath. Zach reached over and wrapped his hand around mine.
"When my dad died, I started believing in ghost stories and things that could happen to someone when you thought they were dead, including... Vampires." Zach winced.
"I'd never really thought anything like them had existed, but I absolutely refused to think my father had actually died so suddenly. I blamed the vampires, I blamed the Devil, I blamed ghosts... I blamed about anything that I knew nothing about.
"I became even more adventurous than ususal, going to the darker parts of town, down allies where people regularly got killed... Basically anywhere I thought any of my creatures could've been hiding."
"A two weeks before I turned seventeen, I met a vampire. Finally. He was beautiful, with reddish hair and pale skin, with copper eyes that were ever-so-slightly tinged with red." I smiled, remembering.
Zach shuddered. "You met Edward."
"Yeah, I did. But when I saw him, instead of feeling all the rage that had been building up inside of me, I could literally almost feel his pain. He looked so exhausted and upset.
"So we talked for a long time, day after day, and eventually, I told him my story.
"'I truly am sorry,' he had said, looking wistful, 'but I still don't understand what I have to do with this. If I could help, I would.'
"'Change me into what you are,' I told him. 'I want to live forever and not cause anyone pain at all.'
"Well, that went over slightly different than I'd pictured it. Edward became furious, and told me that only in dire and needy situations was anyone even going to be considered to be changed. The pain, the life... He'd described it all to me in perfect detail, but I still couldn't see the problem. I'd just become like him and eat deer or lions or any other animals. Dogs, even if..."
I winced. Zach smiled dryly.
"Sorry. But back then, I wouldn't have thought twice about it."
"He changed you, didn't he?" Zach said, looking sick.
"No... Actually, he didn't. He was far too gallant, and seeing as how you've seen inside Jacob's twisted mind, you realize that he still is."
Zach looked grim.
"Anyway, I happened to take those words to heart. Becoming a vampire became somewhat of an obsession, like getting into an exclusive club. Edward became constantly angry at me, trying to get the stupid idea out of my head, but I was already too far gone."
I looked over at Zach, who's chocolate eyes were staring at me apologetically. It was so strange for me to be just telling my story like this.
"The next week, I was waiting down the alley for Edward when it all happened. We were arguing, as usual, when some assinine idiot New Yorker decided to pull a major drive-by."
I sighed. "And that's where the bullet came from." I poked right under my throat, close to my collarbone. "It's still there."
Zach turned over, leaning up on his elbow, looking almost angry. "And you still stick to the fact that Edward didn't do it?"
I nodded slowly. "Later, Edward told me that Carlisle had finally wrangled him in on the vegan plan, and he decided to let me believe that he'd never existed." I smiled ruefully. "Bella's whole exit plan was based on previous experience, except that he didn't count on someone else changing me.
"When I moved from Alaska to Forks, I had to face Edward for the first time in a long time. He remembered me, and we agreed that the best way to not bring the subject of me being changed up was to fake it." I shrugged. "And that's that."
Zach still looked angry. "He could've stopped it."
I froze. "What?"
"He could've stopped the bullet, had he been there."
I sat up. "You don't know what you're talking about."
He shook his head. "He could've taken the bullet for you and lived."
"Just like I could've saved my family by diving in-between the cars? Jesus, Zach!"
Zach's face dropped, and I closed my eyes.
"Sorry." He said, moving closer to me after a minute. "I'm just a little freaked right now. I can't picture you lying on the street, dying, and Edward not being there to help, even though you'd trusted him with your life every single day for those weeks."
I kind of laughed, pressure building up inside of me again, and leaned into his arms. He hugged me. "You've been through hell, Clare."
"Yeah, but then again, who hasn't in this family?"
He kissed my forehead, and we just kind of laid there for a while before Zach had to go to work and check in down at La Push.
The family's been high on terror alerts. We're so afraid that the purple-eyed freaks are coming back for Annora, and that Alice won't be able to see it.
Edward came in a few minutes ago, though, and sat down on my bed, where I had my music blasting. He muted it, and smiled a little.
"I really am sorry for not being there." he admitted.
Anyways, I think I may run down to the store to get some more ice cream for Annora. I need to get out again, just to get some air.
I'm way too unsafe. Ha, ha.
-Clara
In and Out? Or Out and In?
I can't breathe. I can't talk, I can't see straight, I can't function.
I spent the last week in Boston, because I thought that would help me get over this weird feeling I've had for a while, and you know what, I was right. It's gone.
But it's been replaced with total and complete pain.
My brother, the one who loved me unconditionally, was killed, along with his daughter, her husband, and their child in a wreck the second day I was there. In fact, I was at the intersection it happened in, when it happened. But I was too late. I wasn't paying attention, just trying to act like a normal human, and in that moment all of my remaining family was hit by an oncoming semi.
Why does this happen?! I know there may be no God for me, but they were the nicest people I could ever imagine living with.
I could've saved them! I could've jumped in-between the two vehicles and prevented this whole thing!
I'm a monster in more ways than one.
I stayed for their funerals, too. It was awkward, getting strange looks from people who had no clue who I was, but probably grew up with me.
"We come here today to witness the passing of Cole, Brian, Alecia, and Cody Laylan, all of who perished in an untimely death two days ago..."
Horrible. Nothing amounts to that.
I got off the plane and picked up my car, my yellow hybrid of something that Edward had gotten me when I moved from Alaska, and went to the beach for a while. Alice was most likely going to freak out, not being able to see me, and Edward would be a tad pissed, but that didn't matter. They weren't my family; I had none of that.
It was like any remaining humanity I had vanished with them.
When I finally got home, it was late, and Edward sat stoically on the porch, warily reading my face.
"Clara...?"
I shook my head, and he nodded, his expression not changing, and vanished inside, leaving me standing on the porch, my arms folded against my body.
Less than a minute later, I could hear protesting inside the house as a figure sauntered out of the house and watched me for a minute, before coming over to me and wrapping me in a hug.
I started crying, choked, tearless cries, my head buired in Zach's jacket as he whispered condolences in my hair.
For a werewolf, he was good at being incredibly human sometimes.
Inside, everyone had gone to doing their own thing, Zach carrying me up to my room. He sat me down on my bed, and just let me cry for a while, putting his jacket over me. When I finally calmed down, I pulled my knees up to my chest and let him tell me about Annora and Ryan, and everything that had gone on while I was gone. Alice hadn't, obviously, seen me coming back like this, so a party had been planned. He filled me in on what'd gone on over at La Push, and this fight Jacob had gotten into with Embry, who didn't see any problem with Zach and I being friends.
Zach ended up falling asleep in my bed, and that's where he still is.
It's strange to hear someone snoring, for once.
-Clara.
I spent the last week in Boston, because I thought that would help me get over this weird feeling I've had for a while, and you know what, I was right. It's gone.
But it's been replaced with total and complete pain.
My brother, the one who loved me unconditionally, was killed, along with his daughter, her husband, and their child in a wreck the second day I was there. In fact, I was at the intersection it happened in, when it happened. But I was too late. I wasn't paying attention, just trying to act like a normal human, and in that moment all of my remaining family was hit by an oncoming semi.
Why does this happen?! I know there may be no God for me, but they were the nicest people I could ever imagine living with.
I could've saved them! I could've jumped in-between the two vehicles and prevented this whole thing!
I'm a monster in more ways than one.
I stayed for their funerals, too. It was awkward, getting strange looks from people who had no clue who I was, but probably grew up with me.
"We come here today to witness the passing of Cole, Brian, Alecia, and Cody Laylan, all of who perished in an untimely death two days ago..."
Horrible. Nothing amounts to that.
I got off the plane and picked up my car, my yellow hybrid of something that Edward had gotten me when I moved from Alaska, and went to the beach for a while. Alice was most likely going to freak out, not being able to see me, and Edward would be a tad pissed, but that didn't matter. They weren't my family; I had none of that.
It was like any remaining humanity I had vanished with them.
When I finally got home, it was late, and Edward sat stoically on the porch, warily reading my face.
"Clara...?"
I shook my head, and he nodded, his expression not changing, and vanished inside, leaving me standing on the porch, my arms folded against my body.
Less than a minute later, I could hear protesting inside the house as a figure sauntered out of the house and watched me for a minute, before coming over to me and wrapping me in a hug.
I started crying, choked, tearless cries, my head buired in Zach's jacket as he whispered condolences in my hair.
For a werewolf, he was good at being incredibly human sometimes.
Inside, everyone had gone to doing their own thing, Zach carrying me up to my room. He sat me down on my bed, and just let me cry for a while, putting his jacket over me. When I finally calmed down, I pulled my knees up to my chest and let him tell me about Annora and Ryan, and everything that had gone on while I was gone. Alice hadn't, obviously, seen me coming back like this, so a party had been planned. He filled me in on what'd gone on over at La Push, and this fight Jacob had gotten into with Embry, who didn't see any problem with Zach and I being friends.
Zach ended up falling asleep in my bed, and that's where he still is.
It's strange to hear someone snoring, for once.
-Clara.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Wahk your dahg for uh quahter?
I think I might go to Boston, and stop in on my brother and his kids. I've been thinking about it, and it seems really nice to get away sometime in the near future, especailly since I'm all healed up and quicky losing my sanity anyways. Of course, Edward, etc., have all said that it wouldn't be safe --- But didn't we *just* finish everything we had to be truly afraid of off?
Yeah, so... I've been doing a lot of thinking, apparently.
Oh, and sorry about not posting sooner. It's just been a long time since I've HAD time to sit down and do this.
Anywho, Alice decided on the dresses the other day for "her lovely little rose-cheeked bridesmaids," but she won't tell us what they look like.
Obviously, we'll hate them, and possibly burn them after the ceremony as kind of an after party.
You know, I didn't think vampires could go through post-mortem depression; (After death depression, FYI). I didn't know ANYONE could actually. But it's like some inside hurt has come up and kind of swallowed me: I don't remember going to school or doing homework, I don't remember Zach coming over to hang out for a while, or even exactly what I pretended to eat for lunch. It's so freaking weird.
And the funny thing is, I don't know what I'm depressed about. I have nothing *to* be depressed about.
Today, Zach ws going to take me home, since I was wanting a little me time while Edward took Annora back to the humble abode, but as I sat in the bleachers, watching the cheerleaders, he showed up and told me that if I was going to mope, he wasn't going to let me do it in front of a bunch of jocks.
So we went to the First LaPush beach, and hung out for a while. It was actually pretty nice.
Edward came in not long after I got home, bursting in the door and doing his whole little 'ooh, I'm a vampire and I'm going to give you the vampire glare' look, crossed arms and all. I wasn't in the mood, and told him so, but he just sighed, and, to my amazement, lost the look and sat down on the bed.
"Look, I know that I'm not the best fake brother that you've ever lived with for 70-something years, but here's the deal: You can't do this whole sad thing."
I kind of gaped at him. "Sorry... What?"
"Zach talked to me for a while, and told me that you've been unusually down. I haven't actually noticed since this whole Volturri thing's been going on, but I swear to you, I haven't forgotten you or anything."
I had to laugh. "You know it's not your fault."
He frowned. "You're right -- I don't know whose fault it is; you're not thinking anything in particular that could've caused it. You're just... Sad."
And then he did the best thing he could've: He leaned over and gave me a huge hug.
Ugh, it's been too long of a day.
...It feels like THURSDAY.
And really, I'm not just saying that for want of the weekend.
SO WHY ISN'T IT?!
-Clara
Ps- Sorry for the shortness. I'm exhausted... Ha, ha.
Yeah, so... I've been doing a lot of thinking, apparently.
Oh, and sorry about not posting sooner. It's just been a long time since I've HAD time to sit down and do this.
Anywho, Alice decided on the dresses the other day for "her lovely little rose-cheeked bridesmaids," but she won't tell us what they look like.
Obviously, we'll hate them, and possibly burn them after the ceremony as kind of an after party.
You know, I didn't think vampires could go through post-mortem depression; (After death depression, FYI). I didn't know ANYONE could actually. But it's like some inside hurt has come up and kind of swallowed me: I don't remember going to school or doing homework, I don't remember Zach coming over to hang out for a while, or even exactly what I pretended to eat for lunch. It's so freaking weird.
And the funny thing is, I don't know what I'm depressed about. I have nothing *to* be depressed about.
Today, Zach ws going to take me home, since I was wanting a little me time while Edward took Annora back to the humble abode, but as I sat in the bleachers, watching the cheerleaders, he showed up and told me that if I was going to mope, he wasn't going to let me do it in front of a bunch of jocks.
So we went to the First LaPush beach, and hung out for a while. It was actually pretty nice.
Edward came in not long after I got home, bursting in the door and doing his whole little 'ooh, I'm a vampire and I'm going to give you the vampire glare' look, crossed arms and all. I wasn't in the mood, and told him so, but he just sighed, and, to my amazement, lost the look and sat down on the bed.
"Look, I know that I'm not the best fake brother that you've ever lived with for 70-something years, but here's the deal: You can't do this whole sad thing."
I kind of gaped at him. "Sorry... What?"
"Zach talked to me for a while, and told me that you've been unusually down. I haven't actually noticed since this whole Volturri thing's been going on, but I swear to you, I haven't forgotten you or anything."
I had to laugh. "You know it's not your fault."
He frowned. "You're right -- I don't know whose fault it is; you're not thinking anything in particular that could've caused it. You're just... Sad."
And then he did the best thing he could've: He leaned over and gave me a huge hug.
Ugh, it's been too long of a day.
...It feels like THURSDAY.
And really, I'm not just saying that for want of the weekend.
SO WHY ISN'T IT?!
-Clara
Ps- Sorry for the shortness. I'm exhausted... Ha, ha.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Double Whammy.
So the other night, Annora brought home Ryan.
That was a crazy family ordeal.
She couldn't even walk or stand any closer than two feet from him, which, though I'm worried he may be more than he seems, is still a little harsh.
Anyways, today was going completely smoothly, when b-a-double-m, the doorbell rang. And as totally not ominous as that may seem, it was who was at the door that got me both grounded from close proximity to the beaches and (in the process of still being) heavily lectured from Edward.
Picture this. No lie, this is how it played out.
*doorbell rings*
Emmett: Who the hell? I thought Bella was here.
Bella: ...She is.
Emmett: Tanya's coming down next week, so this can't be that clan of freaks...
*doorbell rings again; the whole family parades downstairs except Ryan (family?), Annora, and I.*
Jasper: Does anyone actually plan on *opening* the door?
*silence.*
Edward: ...And you didn't see who this was, Alice?
Alice: Nope! But don't go all paranoid or anything. It could be Angela, trying to find Bella.
Edward: I have a sneaking suspicion it isn't for Bella at all.
*Edward opens the door, I rip off my headphones from upstairs*
Me: OH, NO.
Edward: CLARA.
Zach: Was this a really bad time?
YES. YESYESYES. YES, IT WAS.
Urgh.
Suck.
Now Edward's in here, trying to get me to explain exactly why in the whole freaking world I chose a werewolf, while I'm still trying to yell back that he's NOT MY BOYFRIEND, and I AM NOT turning into a Bella/Jacob remake.
Jerk.
Emmett just laughed at Edward a lot after Zach left, five minutes after he got to the door. Carlisle explained that I was busy, and that I'd call him after I got done doing whatever I was doing, while Rosalie tried to find a subtle way to slam the door in his face.
Thank you spank you, all my glorious family.
Anyways, I've been thinking about visiting my brother again, and seeing his grandkids; my great nephew and neice. I know it would only suck for me, seeing as how he, thinking I'm dead, has a daughter AND a neice (it's been passed on) with my same name.
But still. It may be nice to just get away from it all for a while. In fact, I'll probably head down there on Wednesday, just so I don't have to see Tanya and the crew of whore-pires again. They freak me out the way they all band together over nothing, yet get in these retarded fights about anything.
Personally, I think that, though they're "family", we shouldn't know them. I hate them.
...Something tells me the leaves would look really nice up in Boston about now, too. All I need is one of those Volturri hoods...
-Clara.
That was a crazy family ordeal.
She couldn't even walk or stand any closer than two feet from him, which, though I'm worried he may be more than he seems, is still a little harsh.
Anyways, today was going completely smoothly, when b-a-double-m, the doorbell rang. And as totally not ominous as that may seem, it was who was at the door that got me both grounded from close proximity to the beaches and (in the process of still being) heavily lectured from Edward.
Picture this. No lie, this is how it played out.
*doorbell rings*
Emmett: Who the hell? I thought Bella was here.
Bella: ...She is.
Emmett: Tanya's coming down next week, so this can't be that clan of freaks...
*doorbell rings again; the whole family parades downstairs except Ryan (family?), Annora, and I.*
Jasper: Does anyone actually plan on *opening* the door?
*silence.*
Edward: ...And you didn't see who this was, Alice?
Alice: Nope! But don't go all paranoid or anything. It could be Angela, trying to find Bella.
Edward: I have a sneaking suspicion it isn't for Bella at all.
*Edward opens the door, I rip off my headphones from upstairs*
Me: OH, NO.
Edward: CLARA.
Zach: Was this a really bad time?
YES. YESYESYES. YES, IT WAS.
Urgh.
Suck.
Now Edward's in here, trying to get me to explain exactly why in the whole freaking world I chose a werewolf, while I'm still trying to yell back that he's NOT MY BOYFRIEND, and I AM NOT turning into a Bella/Jacob remake.
Jerk.
Emmett just laughed at Edward a lot after Zach left, five minutes after he got to the door. Carlisle explained that I was busy, and that I'd call him after I got done doing whatever I was doing, while Rosalie tried to find a subtle way to slam the door in his face.
Thank you spank you, all my glorious family.
Anyways, I've been thinking about visiting my brother again, and seeing his grandkids; my great nephew and neice. I know it would only suck for me, seeing as how he, thinking I'm dead, has a daughter AND a neice (it's been passed on) with my same name.
But still. It may be nice to just get away from it all for a while. In fact, I'll probably head down there on Wednesday, just so I don't have to see Tanya and the crew of whore-pires again. They freak me out the way they all band together over nothing, yet get in these retarded fights about anything.
Personally, I think that, though they're "family", we shouldn't know them. I hate them.
...Something tells me the leaves would look really nice up in Boston about now, too. All I need is one of those Volturri hoods...
-Clara.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Maybe I was Wrong?
Because, uh, VAMPIRES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THOSE IMMORTAL CREATURES THAT NOTHING CAN DESTROY.
...
Jane? Alec?
I will kill you both if Edward doesn't do it first.
The rest of you scum-sucking Voterra freaks?
Yeah. You, too.
Ugh. I better start from the beginning.
Thursday night I couldn't even move from the pain I was feeling. I couldn't tell from who, or what was going on, but Edward took me from our house to Bella's as some kind of invisible alibi. Bella, not really understanding that my pain wasn't physical, all mental, tried putting cool washcloths on my forehead and humming, but Edward, hah, "read my mind", and told her it really wasn't doing anything but that I wanted to thank her anyways.
Trust me, he omitted several explicit words I thought in-between, thankfully.
Bella fell asleep, and Edward kind of moved over towards me and just told me to close my eyes, and that "Yes, I know you can't sleep; just do it." So I did. He hummed and sang to me for hours on end. I tried to cry, but obviously have no body liquid to do it with. When the pain finally stopped, he sounded, if he could be ever, exhausted. "I love you, too." he finally said, responding to my thought, and went back beside Bella.
About four in the morning, Edward woke Bella up and motioned for me to come closer, from the pallet I'd "slept" on.
"They're here." he said grimly.
I was gone. Out the window and to the fated clearing where Edward had first let Bella see his skin in the light, and met up with the rest of the family, who didn't even glance at me as I came into the area. They were focused on the other side, where among the shadows, farther than the human eye can see, were the most horrific figures one can imagine.
The Volturri were here; the newborns that Emmett, Jasper, and Edward had been talking about were here, and there was a situation that needed them.
The only thing was that we were in the way, and they wanted Bella.
"Annora's gone, too." Edward whispered in my ear, already beside us. "Alice says she was gone last night, and didn't come back."
The main thought running through my mind: Oh. Dear. LORD.
The fight broke loose, but not before Edward had to go back to Bella. Jane was eyeing me even before Emmett roared war, so, of course, I kind of had a clue what was coming.
But Jane is weak, and all of her 'family' were fighting all of mine.
So she sat there and watched.
Mid-morning, they showed up. The werewolves were here, FINALLY. Edward had obviously told Jacob, who was with them, and he'd let everyone else know, who then took their precious, sweet time to show.
The dogs rounded out beside us, the one flanked on my side grimacing as he looked over at me. Stupid animals. I always liked dogs without the human-ness, but with it? It was irritating.
And so we ALL fought. Except, once again, Jane and I. I'd helped while I could, but the pain all around the area when someone got hit or kicked - I don't think so. Jane pitched in whenever one of her clan was losing. It was grotesque pain, but obviously I was only feeling it second-hand.
That went on deep into the afternoon. No one was losing, no one was winning. A couple of the wolves had been hurt slightly, but nothing life-threatening. Jacob was one of them - his ribs and an arm were broken, leaving him useless to the cause. I was pretty sure that caused Bella to panic, leaving Edward with a heartache, poor guy.
And then, as I stood in the grass, clutching my head, an extreme pain came over my whole body. Screaming furiously, I fell to my knees and put my forehead hit the ground. Agony and suffering ripped through every nerve in my body, making me feel like I was about to explode with the feeling.
I managed to look, through color-blinded eyes, up at the small figure in front of me, and truthfully, wasn't too surprised; Jane stood there, her lips pulled back in a smirk, shiny teeth bared. But there was something different... Something...
Alec grinned at me from behind his sister, his stance completely relaxed but fully ready to kill someone - something. ME, per say.
Jane looked up distractedly, and the pain dwindled, though I still couldn't move.
"Marcus! That idiot!" She hissed, turning to Alec. "Do me a favor and finish her off."
You don't know how menacing those words sounded, even from a high-pitched, child-like voice.
Alec kneeled down by me when Jane was well on her way.
"I don't think I need to use any of my, hm, abilities on you. You're still new at this whole game, and Jane has left you in a very feeble position." He chuckled, and brushed my cheek, making me wince in unadulterated pain and hate. "It is too bad, though. You're very pretty."
He backed off as I tried to stand. There was no way he was getting the upper hand just because I was on the ground. That MORON had taken my friend; my family.
"You're one hell of a wuss, aren't you Alec? Standing behind your little sister."
That's all it took. He snarled, I tried to move but couldn't, and that was it. The last thing I heard was something that sounded like a cat being stepped on before I blacked out. Of course, seeing as how I'm writing this, I didn't die. But that's only because of one thing:
A wolf saved me.
I woke up in a bed at Billy's, next to (get this) Jacob, having to pretend I was riding motor bikes with him. They'd broken my leg, fractured one of my ribs, and broken an arm, and left me reeling in pain.
For now, the treaty was broken. Who knew how long that would last.
Carlisle told me that Zachary Creullen, one of the Quilletes, had seen Alec going nutso on me and ended fending off attacks from him for my sake. A vampire.
Suffice to say, I was confused. But hey, that could've been the morphine. It gave everything a fuzzy edge.
Yesterday, anyways, I got to meet him. HUMAN him.
And though he smells like werewolf, he keeps looking at me all strange and asking me if I'm okay.
It was weird.
Hah, Jacob was getting nauseated, though, which was almost worth it.
Luckily, I'm allowed out of bed now, though I have to walk with crutches and a bandage around my ribs.
Once again, Alec and Jane, I WILL find I was to get over the whole pain thing -- Just wait. Both of you won't exist. SOON. Especially if Annora isn't back soon.
-Clara
...
Jane? Alec?
I will kill you both if Edward doesn't do it first.
The rest of you scum-sucking Voterra freaks?
Yeah. You, too.
Ugh. I better start from the beginning.
Thursday night I couldn't even move from the pain I was feeling. I couldn't tell from who, or what was going on, but Edward took me from our house to Bella's as some kind of invisible alibi. Bella, not really understanding that my pain wasn't physical, all mental, tried putting cool washcloths on my forehead and humming, but Edward, hah, "read my mind", and told her it really wasn't doing anything but that I wanted to thank her anyways.
Trust me, he omitted several explicit words I thought in-between, thankfully.
Bella fell asleep, and Edward kind of moved over towards me and just told me to close my eyes, and that "Yes, I know you can't sleep; just do it." So I did. He hummed and sang to me for hours on end. I tried to cry, but obviously have no body liquid to do it with. When the pain finally stopped, he sounded, if he could be ever, exhausted. "I love you, too." he finally said, responding to my thought, and went back beside Bella.
About four in the morning, Edward woke Bella up and motioned for me to come closer, from the pallet I'd "slept" on.
"They're here." he said grimly.
I was gone. Out the window and to the fated clearing where Edward had first let Bella see his skin in the light, and met up with the rest of the family, who didn't even glance at me as I came into the area. They were focused on the other side, where among the shadows, farther than the human eye can see, were the most horrific figures one can imagine.
The Volturri were here; the newborns that Emmett, Jasper, and Edward had been talking about were here, and there was a situation that needed them.
The only thing was that we were in the way, and they wanted Bella.
"Annora's gone, too." Edward whispered in my ear, already beside us. "Alice says she was gone last night, and didn't come back."
The main thought running through my mind: Oh. Dear. LORD.
The fight broke loose, but not before Edward had to go back to Bella. Jane was eyeing me even before Emmett roared war, so, of course, I kind of had a clue what was coming.
But Jane is weak, and all of her 'family' were fighting all of mine.
So she sat there and watched.
Mid-morning, they showed up. The werewolves were here, FINALLY. Edward had obviously told Jacob, who was with them, and he'd let everyone else know, who then took their precious, sweet time to show.
The dogs rounded out beside us, the one flanked on my side grimacing as he looked over at me. Stupid animals. I always liked dogs without the human-ness, but with it? It was irritating.
And so we ALL fought. Except, once again, Jane and I. I'd helped while I could, but the pain all around the area when someone got hit or kicked - I don't think so. Jane pitched in whenever one of her clan was losing. It was grotesque pain, but obviously I was only feeling it second-hand.
That went on deep into the afternoon. No one was losing, no one was winning. A couple of the wolves had been hurt slightly, but nothing life-threatening. Jacob was one of them - his ribs and an arm were broken, leaving him useless to the cause. I was pretty sure that caused Bella to panic, leaving Edward with a heartache, poor guy.
And then, as I stood in the grass, clutching my head, an extreme pain came over my whole body. Screaming furiously, I fell to my knees and put my forehead hit the ground. Agony and suffering ripped through every nerve in my body, making me feel like I was about to explode with the feeling.
I managed to look, through color-blinded eyes, up at the small figure in front of me, and truthfully, wasn't too surprised; Jane stood there, her lips pulled back in a smirk, shiny teeth bared. But there was something different... Something...
Alec grinned at me from behind his sister, his stance completely relaxed but fully ready to kill someone - something. ME, per say.
Jane looked up distractedly, and the pain dwindled, though I still couldn't move.
"Marcus! That idiot!" She hissed, turning to Alec. "Do me a favor and finish her off."
You don't know how menacing those words sounded, even from a high-pitched, child-like voice.
Alec kneeled down by me when Jane was well on her way.
"I don't think I need to use any of my, hm, abilities on you. You're still new at this whole game, and Jane has left you in a very feeble position." He chuckled, and brushed my cheek, making me wince in unadulterated pain and hate. "It is too bad, though. You're very pretty."
He backed off as I tried to stand. There was no way he was getting the upper hand just because I was on the ground. That MORON had taken my friend; my family.
"You're one hell of a wuss, aren't you Alec? Standing behind your little sister."
That's all it took. He snarled, I tried to move but couldn't, and that was it. The last thing I heard was something that sounded like a cat being stepped on before I blacked out. Of course, seeing as how I'm writing this, I didn't die. But that's only because of one thing:
A wolf saved me.
I woke up in a bed at Billy's, next to (get this) Jacob, having to pretend I was riding motor bikes with him. They'd broken my leg, fractured one of my ribs, and broken an arm, and left me reeling in pain.
For now, the treaty was broken. Who knew how long that would last.
Carlisle told me that Zachary Creullen, one of the Quilletes, had seen Alec going nutso on me and ended fending off attacks from him for my sake. A vampire.
Suffice to say, I was confused. But hey, that could've been the morphine. It gave everything a fuzzy edge.
Yesterday, anyways, I got to meet him. HUMAN him.
And though he smells like werewolf, he keeps looking at me all strange and asking me if I'm okay.
It was weird.
Hah, Jacob was getting nauseated, though, which was almost worth it.
Luckily, I'm allowed out of bed now, though I have to walk with crutches and a bandage around my ribs.
Once again, Alec and Jane, I WILL find I was to get over the whole pain thing -- Just wait. Both of you won't exist. SOON. Especially if Annora isn't back soon.
-Clara
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Tigers, and Bears, and Werewolves, Oh My!
I don't see it: What's the big deal with the wolves?
I asked Emmett that, and he had a coughing fit. I really and truly just don't see why we hate them, besides the whole 'smell like werewolf' issue. Yeah, they stink, but so does Emmett sometimes - we still love him!
Edward's leaving me alone still. Ignoring me. Possibly still mad. Who knows. Tempermental turd.
So anywho. The wolf thing.
We all met by the dividing line of wolf and vampire territory (vampire sounds so extreme. Huh.), all of us wary and already fuming at just the thought of each other. I'll even admit I was, and I'd never even met them.
Ugh. Anyways.
We all got there, and it was a minute before Carlisle started talking, but I had to leave just because I was laughing so much.
They're literally DOGS. Big, hairy DOGS. And I've heard all these stories about Jacob, and there he was, sitting in front of Bella, who had Edward right beside her, sulking. A DOG. SULKING.
...It was funnier had you been there. Promise.
Edward translated back and forth for a while, and then obviously Jacob started thinking about Bella. Edward turned away disgustedly, and mumbled something about perverted little fantasies, which sent Bella blushing and Jacob growling. They left, and I thought that was it, but they came back - as humans.
The conversation was slow, for the most part, since Jacob and one of the bigger wolves who's name I caught close to the end, Sam, were doing most of the talking about who was crossing what lines, and what was going to happen in case of any attack.
So I drifted. I thought back to when I'd just turned sixteen, about how I'd almost gotten to have the infamous seventeenth birthday party I'd always wanted, about how those trees in the distance, next to the water, were actually kind of pretty...
"Who the hell is she?" I heard Jacob demand, and my attention snapped towards his beautiful hate-filled eyes. "Did you CHANGE someone?! Dear GOD."
Ugh.
All attention, except Annora's (she was forced to sit back in the trees - another "mind reader" wasn't approved around them; plus, she's the youngest and very rebellious, according to Edward) turned to me, and I could feel resentment towards Jacob building. Both his pain AND his attitude weren't helping.
"Her name's Clara, and no one in our family touched her, dog." Edward said (well... snarled) for my benefit. "And nor will your kind be going anywhere near her or Annora."
Sometimes I really love him.
After that, the meeting got pretty heated, everyone yelling things at once about protection and whatnot.
But I think we have it settled. Maybe.
School started today, which, for me, is always oh-so-much-fun. I'm a Senior, which I think is one year over Annora, meaning that we have NO classes together. What's weird is that I have Bella's old schedule - Exactly. They're not very original.
Edward picked me up from school with Alice, and they were laughing. When I asked what they were causing all the commotion for, all Edward said was "You're Rosalie's sister, all right. Mirror and light, that's all it is."
Okay. Whatever.
I think it's crazy, this whole school thing. Last time I went to school was right before I got changed... And, well, that doesn't really count. I had FRIENDS then. Now, I try to be ignored and feared. A beautiful blade. Or something like that.
Emo kids, by the way, make me laugh. GIRLS PANTS?! SERIOUSLY!
-Clara
I asked Emmett that, and he had a coughing fit. I really and truly just don't see why we hate them, besides the whole 'smell like werewolf' issue. Yeah, they stink, but so does Emmett sometimes - we still love him!
Edward's leaving me alone still. Ignoring me. Possibly still mad. Who knows. Tempermental turd.
So anywho. The wolf thing.
We all met by the dividing line of wolf and vampire territory (vampire sounds so extreme. Huh.), all of us wary and already fuming at just the thought of each other. I'll even admit I was, and I'd never even met them.
Ugh. Anyways.
We all got there, and it was a minute before Carlisle started talking, but I had to leave just because I was laughing so much.
They're literally DOGS. Big, hairy DOGS. And I've heard all these stories about Jacob, and there he was, sitting in front of Bella, who had Edward right beside her, sulking. A DOG. SULKING.
...It was funnier had you been there. Promise.
Edward translated back and forth for a while, and then obviously Jacob started thinking about Bella. Edward turned away disgustedly, and mumbled something about perverted little fantasies, which sent Bella blushing and Jacob growling. They left, and I thought that was it, but they came back - as humans.
The conversation was slow, for the most part, since Jacob and one of the bigger wolves who's name I caught close to the end, Sam, were doing most of the talking about who was crossing what lines, and what was going to happen in case of any attack.
So I drifted. I thought back to when I'd just turned sixteen, about how I'd almost gotten to have the infamous seventeenth birthday party I'd always wanted, about how those trees in the distance, next to the water, were actually kind of pretty...
"Who the hell is she?" I heard Jacob demand, and my attention snapped towards his beautiful hate-filled eyes. "Did you CHANGE someone?! Dear GOD."
Ugh.
All attention, except Annora's (she was forced to sit back in the trees - another "mind reader" wasn't approved around them; plus, she's the youngest and very rebellious, according to Edward) turned to me, and I could feel resentment towards Jacob building. Both his pain AND his attitude weren't helping.
"Her name's Clara, and no one in our family touched her, dog." Edward said (well... snarled) for my benefit. "And nor will your kind be going anywhere near her or Annora."
Sometimes I really love him.
After that, the meeting got pretty heated, everyone yelling things at once about protection and whatnot.
But I think we have it settled. Maybe.
School started today, which, for me, is always oh-so-much-fun. I'm a Senior, which I think is one year over Annora, meaning that we have NO classes together. What's weird is that I have Bella's old schedule - Exactly. They're not very original.
Edward picked me up from school with Alice, and they were laughing. When I asked what they were causing all the commotion for, all Edward said was "You're Rosalie's sister, all right. Mirror and light, that's all it is."
Okay. Whatever.
I think it's crazy, this whole school thing. Last time I went to school was right before I got changed... And, well, that doesn't really count. I had FRIENDS then. Now, I try to be ignored and feared. A beautiful blade. Or something like that.
Emo kids, by the way, make me laugh. GIRLS PANTS?! SERIOUSLY!
-Clara
Monday, August 20, 2007
Once in a Lifetime...
So I believe that you and me
Should grab it while we can...
I don't know why, but I'm sitting here on my bed, depressed. Edward knows, but I already told him off and I doubt he's coming back in sometime tonight.
Bear with me - I'm getting philosophical, here.
I was watching a movie last night with Alice, and it spurred this whole thought about second chances, and that once in a lifetime really does mean no second chances, which led me to the whole thought of Bella and the choice she was making about this whole vampire thing. I mean, I love her. I really do. We may not be as close as sisters or anything, but if losing her means losing Edward, I have to - I can't let him go.
So, remembering something about Rosalie's past, I went and talked to her. She agrees on the fact that being human is something that you can only do once, and for all of us, was something that we'd be dead without - something she wishes would've happened to her. Her whole point, I concluded from the talk, was that the things you can only do once in a lifetime become dull and pointless when you're alive eternally.
Anyways, Edward kind of overheard. And I'm pretty sure Annora would've, except that she was asleep, since she's different like that.
And now Ed's watching me 24/7, like it would make any difference. I don't plan to stop anything out of the ordinary, so Mr. Anthony-Masen Cullen, get over your bad self and quit invading my mind. It's driving me crazy! I'd almost rather go back up to Alaska, if that's what it takes!
But then again, Tanya also got on my last microscopic nerve.
Edward - Chill. Breathe. I love you. You're the only person in the world who's ever been close like a brother to me, even though we're not related at all by, hah, blood.
Ugh.
Hopefully, this excitement is over.
-Clara
Ps - Random fact: My middle name is Jezebel. As in the queen who was eaten by dogs in the bible. IRONY!
Saturday, August 18, 2007
UGHH.
The week has been TOO. FREAKING. BUSY.
See this: The night from HELL.
I hate being what I am.
God, if I could cry.
Esme, as mentioned in the link, talked to me as soon as Alice could tell what happened. I knew what had happened, obviously because of Alice, but apparently I couldn't comprehend the whole situation.
When Annora came in the house, I had to race out the window, breaking it in the process, from the second floor. The blood, the pain, the everything.
I spent the night in the woods behind the house, up in a tree, fighting between fury and exhaustion, to sadness and worry.
Of course, the whole time, I had to sit there and sing the ABC's over and over in my head so Edward wouldn't hear. He needed to be with Bella, and I can take care of myself. Every now and then I'd reassure myself in my head.
Who knows, maybe he thought it was normal for me, but either way, it worked: he didn't show.
Anywho, the next day, while I still was tiredly singing the ABC's in French, my tree snapped and I ended up on the ground, yelling obscenities.
At, go figure, Emmett.
Our conversation:
Me: "What the hell are YOU doing here?"
Him: "You're up in a tree, singing the ABC's in foreign languages. Do you really want to ask me why I'm here, or are you smart enough to assume Alice saw you doing it and was too tired to come up here and knock you down herself?"
Me: "...Okay... Seeing as how I don't have many good choices there, the latter."
Him: "Good. That saves us some time, then. Get up, we're going to Alaska."
So we spent the rest of the week in Alaska, to my perfect chagrin, Emmett as my personal shadow.
And yeah, okay, I know that we're supposed to be there because Annora's in pain (sorry I wasn't there, A.) and I can't handle almost anything at the moment, but STILL. ALASKA. I came to FORKS from there because I hated it enough.
The whole time in Alaska, Emmett wouldn't even be anything but a by-my-side rock. He missed Rosalie, who was back in Forks.
I swear, he wouldn't drop the fact that he's a thousand miles away from his wife, and I'll probably hear about this for the rest of my eternal life.
But we're home now.
And Emmett's with Rose.
And I'm locked in my room.
And Annora's in pain.
And Edward's sitting on my bed, watching me type, silent and brooding. Again. He's not in a great mood with me right now for the whole French alphabet thing. Really, anything French does that to him, but since I ran off by myself to sit in a tree and did it, he's pretty furious.
A B C D E F G....
He's hearing everything I type because I'm thinking it.
And no, Edward, I still don't want to talk about it.
-Clara
See this: The night from HELL.
I hate being what I am.
God, if I could cry.
Esme, as mentioned in the link, talked to me as soon as Alice could tell what happened. I knew what had happened, obviously because of Alice, but apparently I couldn't comprehend the whole situation.
When Annora came in the house, I had to race out the window, breaking it in the process, from the second floor. The blood, the pain, the everything.
I spent the night in the woods behind the house, up in a tree, fighting between fury and exhaustion, to sadness and worry.
Of course, the whole time, I had to sit there and sing the ABC's over and over in my head so Edward wouldn't hear. He needed to be with Bella, and I can take care of myself. Every now and then I'd reassure myself in my head.
Who knows, maybe he thought it was normal for me, but either way, it worked: he didn't show.
Anywho, the next day, while I still was tiredly singing the ABC's in French, my tree snapped and I ended up on the ground, yelling obscenities.
At, go figure, Emmett.
Our conversation:
Me: "What the hell are YOU doing here?"
Him: "You're up in a tree, singing the ABC's in foreign languages. Do you really want to ask me why I'm here, or are you smart enough to assume Alice saw you doing it and was too tired to come up here and knock you down herself?"
Me: "...Okay... Seeing as how I don't have many good choices there, the latter."
Him: "Good. That saves us some time, then. Get up, we're going to Alaska."
So we spent the rest of the week in Alaska, to my perfect chagrin, Emmett as my personal shadow.
And yeah, okay, I know that we're supposed to be there because Annora's in pain (sorry I wasn't there, A.) and I can't handle almost anything at the moment, but STILL. ALASKA. I came to FORKS from there because I hated it enough.
The whole time in Alaska, Emmett wouldn't even be anything but a by-my-side rock. He missed Rosalie, who was back in Forks.
I swear, he wouldn't drop the fact that he's a thousand miles away from his wife, and I'll probably hear about this for the rest of my eternal life.
But we're home now.
And Emmett's with Rose.
And I'm locked in my room.
And Annora's in pain.
And Edward's sitting on my bed, watching me type, silent and brooding. Again. He's not in a great mood with me right now for the whole French alphabet thing. Really, anything French does that to him, but since I ran off by myself to sit in a tree and did it, he's pretty furious.
A B C D E F G....
He's hearing everything I type because I'm thinking it.
And no, Edward, I still don't want to talk about it.
-Clara
Monday, August 13, 2007
Hola, Bonjour, Hey.
That last post was CARDBOARD.
Sorry for anyone who didn't think I was, um, human?
Anyways, it was probably a good thing I didn't tell everything about me all last night - I would've sounded like some kind of robot.
Okay. Where'd I leave off?... Actually, you know what, I don't even care. The internet on this thing SUCKS.
Ahha. My age.
In average human years, I'm 79, but actually, if you're amazing at math and instantly registered the dates in my last post, I'm just barely hitting that eternal age of sixteen, which amuses Edward to no end. He told me about Bella not wanting to get older, which actually, is pretty funny to me. I imagined her at thirty (if, you know, nothing happens...), desperately begging for death just because she was so old and Edward kind of froze up for a second. I'd forgotten about his canny ability to see into my head.
Hah, oops.
But he laughed afterwards, and when I apologized, he just blew it off, which bothered me if only for the fact that I'd disturbed him and the pain rolling off of him was dark and deep.
I hate depending on a single person for a family tie - I feel like the youngest which, yeah, I am... Maybe. I don't know too much about Annora, but she's pretty close to my age - I think.
Today marks a month until Bella's birthday, which has gotten Alice extremely excited, and the whole family speculating about what Alice is going to pull... But then again, Bella and Edward are getting married soon. What's surprising is that she postponed it - Not him. Except everytime he brings it up, there's no pain. He wants what Bella wants... Concerning the wedding thing. The whole changing - Well, that's another story.
Humans can be slightly dramatic. A lot.
Edward is making Alice take me shopping tomorrow. Something having to do with 'girl-y bonding, because it's not natural not to like Alice'.
Right now, I'm locked up in my room, the surround sound blasting Three Days Grace from the ceiling speakers, sprawled out on the bed.
Yeah, I have a bed. I'm just that cool.
...Or I could really like the feeling of lying down on something soft without worrying about falling off. Not that it would hurt, but it's almost habitual.
Anyways, I'm thinking about my family, and how I missed my parent's funerals. My brother, Cole, his son, Brian, and his grandson, Cody, are all still over in New York. I snuck up there to see them close to thirty years ago, way before Cody was born and Brian was divorced, just to make sure they were still there. It's so strange to see my younger brother, now 75 years-old, with his own family, looking so old, while I'm stuck at sixteen.
What's even stranger is knowing that I'll be alive when they're dead. All of them.
Oh, wow, that's depressing. Sorry, hah.
-Clara
Sorry for anyone who didn't think I was, um, human?
Anyways, it was probably a good thing I didn't tell everything about me all last night - I would've sounded like some kind of robot.
Okay. Where'd I leave off?... Actually, you know what, I don't even care. The internet on this thing SUCKS.
Ahha. My age.
In average human years, I'm 79, but actually, if you're amazing at math and instantly registered the dates in my last post, I'm just barely hitting that eternal age of sixteen, which amuses Edward to no end. He told me about Bella not wanting to get older, which actually, is pretty funny to me. I imagined her at thirty (if, you know, nothing happens...), desperately begging for death just because she was so old and Edward kind of froze up for a second. I'd forgotten about his canny ability to see into my head.
Hah, oops.
But he laughed afterwards, and when I apologized, he just blew it off, which bothered me if only for the fact that I'd disturbed him and the pain rolling off of him was dark and deep.
I hate depending on a single person for a family tie - I feel like the youngest which, yeah, I am... Maybe. I don't know too much about Annora, but she's pretty close to my age - I think.
Today marks a month until Bella's birthday, which has gotten Alice extremely excited, and the whole family speculating about what Alice is going to pull... But then again, Bella and Edward are getting married soon. What's surprising is that she postponed it - Not him. Except everytime he brings it up, there's no pain. He wants what Bella wants... Concerning the wedding thing. The whole changing - Well, that's another story.
Humans can be slightly dramatic. A lot.
Edward is making Alice take me shopping tomorrow. Something having to do with 'girl-y bonding, because it's not natural not to like Alice'.
Right now, I'm locked up in my room, the surround sound blasting Three Days Grace from the ceiling speakers, sprawled out on the bed.
Yeah, I have a bed. I'm just that cool.
...Or I could really like the feeling of lying down on something soft without worrying about falling off. Not that it would hurt, but it's almost habitual.
Anyways, I'm thinking about my family, and how I missed my parent's funerals. My brother, Cole, his son, Brian, and his grandson, Cody, are all still over in New York. I snuck up there to see them close to thirty years ago, way before Cody was born and Brian was divorced, just to make sure they were still there. It's so strange to see my younger brother, now 75 years-old, with his own family, looking so old, while I'm stuck at sixteen.
What's even stranger is knowing that I'll be alive when they're dead. All of them.
Oh, wow, that's depressing. Sorry, hah.
-Clara
Sunday, August 12, 2007
It's Been a While.
I haven't written to people in a long time, so it's interesting to see what I'm going to do with a blog, let alone my own computer.
So. My biological history - Wow.
My name is Clara Elizabeth-Grace Hale, and I was born on October 14, 1927. On November 2, 1944, I was mortally wounded from a bullet that took hit a small part of my heart, and was in a comatose state until the 7th, when I woke up to an alleyway and severe pain, raging like fire in my veins. Three days later, I killed three people, ran to Alaska, and found Tanya and her group, all living a 'vegan' life. Eventually, I got homesick for the streets of New York and actual interaction with people, so when Carlisle came up to meet with Tanya concerning some creep named Victoria, I went back with him and began my life in Forks, WA.
Oh, and another thing. I absorb pain. Absorb-absorb. "Like a sponge." If anyone around me gets hurt, I feel it the exact same way that they do, in all it's fury.
Suffice to say, it was easy to convert over to the vegetarian life after feeling the three people who I... Wow, that's weird to admit... who I murdered feel the pain of my teeth in their skin, my venom burning their veins, then being sucked back out, painful ounce by painful ounce.
I'm a killer, and yeah, I'll freely admit that. No Murderers Anonymous for me, hm?
Edward and I talked about it a long time last night, after he'd caught me sulking in my room, and he was telling me all these stories about things he did in his rebellious years; the thoughts he heard, the people's lives he ended, and the hunger that I could relate to completely.
And he brought up Bella.
I was shocked at the pain her name surfaced. My heart ached with his as he told me the story about leaving her and almost committing suicide when he thought she was dead. The clocktower, the Volturri... Jane... All of it piled up into pure inward hurt which, up until that point, I hadn't known that I could feel. The bite on Bella's hand and his pain to quit... It was almost unbearable. The pain he felt just talking about it was almost more than I could handle.
Anyways, I didn't mean to get off on that sidetrack, but it's the only way I can explain the way I feel things.
Edward and I are really close; more like siblings in a literal sense than not. He gave me one of his mother's necklaces, God rest Elizabeth's soul, and I don't take it off. It's comforting to know that he didn't try to hide anything from me; he's my solace. Not many of the others get along with me - Even Alice, who everyone loves, is wary around me. It's kind of confusing, but I'm not the only one with skeletons in the closet, I'd guess.
Carlisle had a room added on to the house, on the opposite side of Edward's with the same archetecture, for me before I came. It's all thanks to Alice, really, but the uneasiness between us seems to stretch out when I try to compliment or thank her.
Whatever. Weird runs in the... Well, ha, the blood.
-Clara
Ps- Here's the family!
So. My biological history - Wow.
My name is Clara Elizabeth-Grace Hale, and I was born on October 14, 1927. On November 2, 1944, I was mortally wounded from a bullet that took hit a small part of my heart, and was in a comatose state until the 7th, when I woke up to an alleyway and severe pain, raging like fire in my veins. Three days later, I killed three people, ran to Alaska, and found Tanya and her group, all living a 'vegan' life. Eventually, I got homesick for the streets of New York and actual interaction with people, so when Carlisle came up to meet with Tanya concerning some creep named Victoria, I went back with him and began my life in Forks, WA.
Oh, and another thing. I absorb pain. Absorb-absorb. "Like a sponge." If anyone around me gets hurt, I feel it the exact same way that they do, in all it's fury.
Suffice to say, it was easy to convert over to the vegetarian life after feeling the three people who I... Wow, that's weird to admit... who I murdered feel the pain of my teeth in their skin, my venom burning their veins, then being sucked back out, painful ounce by painful ounce.
I'm a killer, and yeah, I'll freely admit that. No Murderers Anonymous for me, hm?
Edward and I talked about it a long time last night, after he'd caught me sulking in my room, and he was telling me all these stories about things he did in his rebellious years; the thoughts he heard, the people's lives he ended, and the hunger that I could relate to completely.
And he brought up Bella.
I was shocked at the pain her name surfaced. My heart ached with his as he told me the story about leaving her and almost committing suicide when he thought she was dead. The clocktower, the Volturri... Jane... All of it piled up into pure inward hurt which, up until that point, I hadn't known that I could feel. The bite on Bella's hand and his pain to quit... It was almost unbearable. The pain he felt just talking about it was almost more than I could handle.
Anyways, I didn't mean to get off on that sidetrack, but it's the only way I can explain the way I feel things.
Edward and I are really close; more like siblings in a literal sense than not. He gave me one of his mother's necklaces, God rest Elizabeth's soul, and I don't take it off. It's comforting to know that he didn't try to hide anything from me; he's my solace. Not many of the others get along with me - Even Alice, who everyone loves, is wary around me. It's kind of confusing, but I'm not the only one with skeletons in the closet, I'd guess.
Carlisle had a room added on to the house, on the opposite side of Edward's with the same archetecture, for me before I came. It's all thanks to Alice, really, but the uneasiness between us seems to stretch out when I try to compliment or thank her.
Whatever. Weird runs in the... Well, ha, the blood.
-Clara
Ps- Here's the family!
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