Explain the Unexplainable.

I don't sleep anymore.

It's strange, because I'm not tired, or even emotionally stressed to that point.

It stopped. Along with the crying. I just... I can't. I sob and shake all over and nothing. No kind of tears, no kind of weariness, no anything.

I'm not supposed to exsist, and I think I'm being reminded of that.

I opened my eyes in the morning, wide awake and dry-faced, to the sound of someone in the room.

"Good morning." He said quietly, and if I could've cried, I would've. Again. Still. As always.

I stayed now, at night, in Zach's bed with him. We're no longer in the hospital - he was moved to my room, because he has no family in the litteral sense of the world (his grandmother left the clan and moved to Wisconsin after hearing of... the problem). He lies in my bed, and every night, I lay there and talk to him about everything that's going on and about how much people care about him; about how much he's impacting my entire world. And always, I tell him the one thing I hope he knows more than anything - or did, before the...

I love him. He is my world.

So every night, sleepless and unmoving, I lie in his bed until someone comes in. No one knocks anymore, since my room has kind of stopped being my room and has turned into visitation central.

The person in the room had been there every morning for the last week, and suffice to say, had kept my busy. Already, he'd been in the room for almost three hours - he'd been silent, sitting in the winged-back chair farthest away from the bed. He knew how I felt, and took it into consideration. I, in turn, always pulled myself out of the bed, by Zach's warm figure, and sat in the seat three down from him.

He smiled at me sadly. "Is there anything you know of...?"

I sighed and rocked back and forth, my head in my hands. For the third time in an hour, he was asking me this question. I didn't know how to fix anything anymore - and when it came down to people, I knew nothing at all.

"I can't see a way." I protested, and even I could hear the anger in my own voice. He, of course, did too, and leaned back in his chair.

"You know the promise still stands, Clara. No matter what happens."

"I know. But for me to even go through on my end, you need to try to the fullest extent to solve this. Please."

"There's always the one suggestion." he threw out casually, as if it weren't already hanging in the tension-filled air.

"No. Absolutely not." I said flatly. "It's pointless in this situation, and I don't even want to consider it."

He closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "No offense, Clare, but does it really, honestly, make a difference in the long run?"

My temper flared. "Yes," I hissed. "Yes, it does. Death is very different than this." I gestured at the bed. "This is... It's..."

There was no word.

"Worse." he supplied. "For you and everyone involved."

I gritted my teeth together. "Just let me decide that."

There was a moment of tough silence as I fought back a yell that was being produced by all of... Well, everything. Nothing was smooth anymore.

He ran his hand over his face. "Look, I'm sorry, but you're so different now, and that's bothering me more than it should. I don't want this to fail and you to be miserable."

I smiled weakly. "Does it really make a difference in the end?"

"Touche" he noted quietly, his eyes on the bed and the figure in it. "Do you mind if I...?"

The question trailed off, as so many of the same question had, though coming from different - more familiar - mouths.

I could've said yes, like I did to all the rest. Yes, and stay away, because it belongs to me.

"No, go ahead." I sighed.

His ruby eyes flickered to me for a reaction, but I'd already looked away. Studying the creme-colored carpet that I'd been carried across, dragged across, and loved across.

Dammit.

He moved over to the bed and breathed in sharply. The tubes, the wires, the blood... All of it was nauseating, and I had no doubt that he hadn't been expecting it to be as bad as it was.

I closed my eyes. I didn't want to watch his reaction anymore than I wanted to relive my own. That first day of knowing that he wouldn't ever talk to me again - wouldn't ever dream again - it was agonizing. I was as suicidal as you could get without ever wanting to kill yourself. The thoughts, the words, the memories... One by one, terror after terror, all of the good memories played out in front of my eyes in slow motion, seeming to take forever, but only actually consuming a number of sharp-edged seconds.

God, I didn't want to think anymore. Why couldn't my mind go where his did?

Jesus. That's... Unspeakably horrible. I can't even think without making myself want to fall into oblivion.

I was in the middle of humming to myself - A pianists nightmare of a lullaby, complex and dark, with three pianos in unison - when I didn't need to anymore. My thoughts were averted.

"What the hell are you doing?"

My eyes flashed open to Annora, standing in the doorway.

But she wasn't talking to me.

The angry, shocked tone was directed at Alec, who had his hands poised lightly over the bed, his eyes alert and threatened - something of how I looked, I would've guessed.

But instead, Alec just dropped his hands and raised an eyebrow. "I'm here for a favor to a friend. Do you mind leaving now?"

Annora mimed him sarcastically. "Uh, yeah, I would mind."

I snorted. Alec just rolled his eyes and came back to the winged-back chair, settling into it comfortably.

"AGAIN," Annora announced, angrily. "What. Are. You. Doing. Here?!"

"It's none of your business," I said roughly, and Alec flashed me a suspicious look.

Annora crossed arms, "And why isn't it?"

"I could kill her, if it would help." Alec said easily.

I stood up, trying to bite back on the immense anger building up. "Oh, I don't know, maybe because anything concerning my friends is my business. Stay. Out. Of. IT."

The angry scowl on her face vanished, to be replaced by a look of utter confusion and repulsion.

"Friends?" she asked, uneasily.

I let out a frustrated sigh and collapsed back into my seat and rubbed the bridge of my nose, fighting the temper. "Dammit, Annora..."

"Wouldn't it be easier to just answer the question?" she retorted.

Alec glanced over at me, elegantly confused. "You didn't tell her, then?"

I groaned. "No, and there would be a reason."

She stepped towards me, the scowl growing back. "Didn't tell me what?"

"Shit." Alec said lightly.

I dropped my hands into my lap and looked at her tiredly. "Annora, go away."

"And what if I say no?"

"And what exactly even gives you the right to step foot in this room?" Alec interjected before I could, smoothly and without the faintest trace of being perturbed.

I didn't miss the frown he was still directing my way.

"Um, well, go ahead and kill me, but I'm family and I care."

I could feel it drop - the entire 'fight it back' thing. She was getting in deep, and she didn't have a clue.

"Care for WHO, Annora?" I raged. "Because I'll be damned if I've seen you in here more than twice."

She sighed. "I care for both you and Zach."

I laughed, the bitterness that I'd had all week - all month, rather, seeping into my tone. "Right. You care."

"I can't stand being around other people, Clara, that's the only reason I haven't been here." She looked at me like I'd hurt her. "I thought you'd remember that."

I looked at her in shock and disbelief.

Alec chimed in with a shy, "Be careful, Clara." before the words shot out of my mouth.

"YOU can't be around people?!" I spat. "Dear GOD, Annora, you're SO right! You should TOTALLY have an excuse! Because I haven't been LIVING in the pain of the friends and family, and, God forbid, my FIANCE, for the last two months!"

Her eyes widened a fraction. "I'm so sorry Clara. I should of come..." she shook her head and laughed sarcastically. "I'm just a selfish little brat - that's all."

Oh, my God. I wanted to hit her.

"And now you have to approve my friends, Annora? Just because, all of the sudden, you want to interfere with what's been happening since it's gotten that much out of control that you 'need to do something', or whatever?" I swore and stood up angrily, pacing the room.

Alec's eyes left me and glided easily to her. "Maybe you should just listen to her and leave."

Annora ignored him, "I don't need to approve of anything in your life Clare." she said, actually sounding earnest. "I was just wondering what you were doing hanging around him--last thing I knew you weren't so happy with him....." She blew her hair out of face and muttered, almost inpercievably, "not that it'd surprise me..."

I spun around to face her. "And what the hell is THAT supposed to mean?!"

Alec leaned his head back against the chair and closed his eyes, sighing.

"You hating him. I mean last time I remember he hurt you." As if his relaxation were some kind of twisted que, she raised her eyebrows and looked over at him as if she was looking at some kind of garbage. "Great friend."

Alec's eyes opened suddenly, focusing in on Annora with a sharp glare. "I'd take care not to bring that up, vegan."

She scoffed. "Ouch. That hurt."

Alec quirked a wicked smile. "It's all too bad that I didn't come across you instead and break your lousy little head." he laughed softly. "You're so weak."

I slammed my hand down on the desk in the corner. "DAMMIT, THIS DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH OUR FAMILY, ANN. Just LEAVE!"

That was it. The only energy my body had decided I needed to survive, and I'd used it on her. I slid to the floor in front of the desk.

Annora glared at Alec, "I would have like you to try, I know some people who would be very happy about it." And then, so be it, she turned and looked at me. "Why can't you just answer one question, Clara, it can't be so difficult."

I sighed and cradled my head in my hands. "What?" I asked without any true conviction. "What was the damned question?"

"What. Is. He. Doing. Here?”

Through my fingers, I saw the smug look drop from Alec's face as he glanced over at me, almost sorry.

Somehow, I guess because of the no-sleep, no-tire, no-used-to-not-sleeping thing, the entire situation seemed almost... funny.

I laughed tiredly. "I can't tell you," I said, shaking my head. "I'd love to, but I can't."

"And why not?" she demanded.

Alec stood up and opened the door. "Annora, it's time to go." he said calmly.

Annora looked disbelievingly between us, "Oh. Yeah. And leave her with you. Right."

I stood up carefully and started dusting myself off to distract me from looking at her. "He won't hurt me."

“I’m only here to help.” Alec sighed.

I glanced over at him accusingly. How could he say that, when she was RIGHT THERE?! She couldn’t know, and he knew it! How could he...

Annora looked at him, "You're what?"

"Helping," Alec said blandly. "The action of assisting or favoring another. It's a verb. Obviously, you've never heard of it."

Annora just rolled her eyes, immune to the unheard message. "It just seems odd to hear you and help in the same sentence."

"I'm not playing around anymore." he said, his voice dangerous. "Leave before you hurt anyone." His eyes landed on me.

I laughed dryly. "Quit being stoic, Alec."

His eyes returned to Annora, hard and watchful.

She just stood there. “Before I hurt anyone?”

Alec gritted his teeth. "You're pushing it close, young one."

"I was just asking a question,” she said, shrugging it off. “It's human nature you know."

"Dammit, Clara, she's annoying! Forget it!" he said angrily, and then spun on her, grabbing the front of her shirt and slamming her against the wall. "I am here," he said in a deep hissing voice. "to save Zachary Creullen from a very untimely death in any way possible. I'm being paid and it's not just an act of friendship, so I would very much appreciate it if you could keep your little freckled nose out of my affairs."

I ran my hand over my face and swore quietly.

“...Alright...” Annora mumbled, trying to recover gracefully.

Alec dropped her suddenly, but in a quick act, she remained standing. I stepped up to her and clenched my fingers together.

“Don’t you dare tell Edward.” I whispered.

“Since when have I ever squealed?” she asked, slightly appalled that I would have to warn her.

I waved her away, turning around and heading back towards the bed, and toward the one person who usually could uncomplicate things. “Just... Go away.”

And she did, mumbling "Alright..."

I bit my lip as Alec stared over at me. "I cannot believe you."

"Yeah, well, we're not all proud of what we do, okay?"

He shook his head and started to stand up. "Tomorrow, maybe. Today, I think you need to get your head together."

I just shook my head as he opened the door again.

"Clara, you know what I do, down to the detail. He's not going anywhere without your permission."

Fatigue set in with those words and I fell back against the chair and looked at Zach. Alec noticed and sighed, walking away from the door and kneeling down in front of me.

"I know that you're trying to keep him close to you," he said softly, looking into my eyes, "but maybe there's some choices that none of us, even those of us that seem to be invincible, can make, let alone withstand. I can't help you with this unless you're willing to take a risk."

I swallowed and he nodded, as he stood up and turned to leave.

"Oh, and as for the deal," he said, as if in an afterthought, "Maybe... If you want to do it yourself... Maybe I can cut it off."

I just closed my eyes.

He waited a moment, and then I heard his footsteps as they blurred together and then disappeared.

I can't begin to apologize for something I'm not sorry for, is all I can say.

[Post Untitled]

My name is Clara Elizabeth Jezebel Hale. I am named after two of the most notorious Queens ever to have existed and a woman that used to be known as my caretaker. I have been loved, I have been hated, and I have been dragged through hell and back immeasurable amounts of times.

This time, I don’t think I’m coming back.

Carlisle hasn’t left my side. I think he’s worried that I’ll try to run off and kill myself like Edward did, but I’m not dramatic or silly. The only thing wrong with me right now is the boy lying in the hospital bed with a ring around his finger - my mother's promise ring, settled around his little finger, lying limp against the bed.

And as much as my life might rely on him, I have no plans to end it.

-

Zach woke up at 2:39 a.m. on April 30.

“Where’s Clara?” were the first words out of his mouth.

I screamed and cried and hugged him harder that I was told that I ought to. The entire family was there, and for once, by God, I thought that everything was going to be okay. Being a mind reader, Edward herded everyone out of the door only moments after they said hello, leaving the two of us alone.

“I love you,” I repeated over and over. “I love you, I love you, I love you, Oh God, I love you so much.”

He smiled back weakly, tears slowly running down his cheeks. “I love you more.”

I cried and cried. He was alive. He was alive and in my arms.

I crawled up in the hospital bed with him. He wrapped his arms around me as much as he could without ripping an IV as I gingerly tried not to break him while getting as close as inhumanly possible.

I would’ve talked to him about… Well, everything, really, but he was so tired from just the bare minimum of excitement that had been caused in the last hour and a half, that he told me he didn’t have much left in him, and all he really wanted to do…

“I just want to know you’re here.” He said simply.

I lay there, just as I had lain there so many other nights, but this one… I knew he was alive, and I knew that he was completely better, with no kind of strings attached. I knew that he was always going to be with me, and that finally, after two months of crying and aching, I had him back.

It had been worth it.

“What it was like…” I whispered a long while after, thinking he was asleep, as ran my fingers across his arm.

I watched my fingers as they ran across his sleeve.

A moment later, there was a choked whisper. “It was hell.”

I sat up slightly. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

He shook his head. “I wasn’t sleeping. I was thinking.” His voice was raspy from the nonuse of two months. “I can’t sleep while you’re here; I’ve been without you for too long.”

The tears, for once, were 'happy tears', something explained to me earlier by Alice, and I was grinning like an idiot. He was HERE. WITH ME. Finally.

"Hey, um, Clare?" He said, wincing as he adjusted himself away from me. "I don't mean to sound all blunt and whatnot, but I hurt and that's basically all I can be, so..." He paused, and I held my breath.

'It's over.' 'I can't see you anymore.' 'It was your fault I'm like this.'

All of those words got caught and tangled in my head as I struggled to keep smiling. Please don't let it be, please don't let it be... Oh, God, maybe he'd reconsidered because of the dream...

"Are you still in love with me? Enough to marry me?"

The air came back in a woosh. "YES! More than you could EVER know!" I said, a tiny bit overzealous and lacking the romance it was supposed to have.

He looked relieved and pulled me close. "Thank God."

I kissed his lips, and his hands, and his neck, and his cheeks. I had him back. It was unbelieveable.

"Thank you for your ring," he murmered into my forehead, his lips curving into a smile.

I swallowed, overjoyed that I could talk to him... Listen to him... Anything, as long as it was with him. “So... what were you thinking about? While you were... Well, not sleeping, I guess?”

"You mostly. And home… And….”

He stopped midsentence, a bewildered look on his face, and swallowed. “And…”

Under my hands, his heart rate quickened. The look on his face grew to panic.

“Zach?!” I put my hands on his face. His body rocketed with spasms of pain, racking through my entire body as well as his, his eyes rolling back in his head.

“CARLISLE!” I screamed.

And that was it. I passed out.

Zachary Creullen had a severe heart attack from internal injuries that hadn’t been completely healed at 4:34 a.m. on April 30.

Four days later, after nonstop surgeries and treatments and CAT scans, May 4, 2008 at 5:32 in the afternoon, he was pronounced brain dead.

Only machines are keeping him alive.

I can’t be anywhere near him for extended amounts of time because so many doctors are swarming him.

And as strange as it is to write it, I’m not in pain when I’m in his ICU room, and that hurts more than anything in the world.

I haven’t slept in five days, and couldn’t if I wanted to.

Edward comes in every day and holds me close, as if that would help. Emmett whispers prayers in broken Italian on my behalf, although he thinks I don’t hear them. Alice sits in during hours I’m supposed to be sleeping. Jasper tries to get me to talk. Rosalie showed up one day and begged me to come home. Esme is always hovering around, talking nonstop. Bella shows up every now and then, surprising since we don’t talk, and tells me stories about her own life.

None of it helps, but none of it has really hit me either.

Dhart left when they pronounced him brain dead, shaking and vomiting uncontrollably.

Everyone stares at me, all the time, like I'm supposed to die - cry, scream, hurt myself.

But heartache and the feeling of not knowing where your heart has gone anyway is some of the worst pain in the universe.

I don't know what's happening.

I think I might turn into a statue. A hard, cold, horrified statue.

I have no purpose anymore.

"How many vampires hearts sink when werewolves are killed?"...

Updating Soon

I will have an update on everything - EVERYTHING - soon.

I just... I just need some time to process things.

In the meantime, to tide you over, here's a song I wrote for Zach. As lame as it seems, I wrote it from my heart, and even have a melody that goes with it. I used to be a singer, remember?

For every lie you’ve ever told
For all the times you were too bold
For when your heart was hard and cold,
I love you all the same.

Those stupid times we almost fought
The things you blurt when on the spot
The words we said and wish had not,
I love you...

You can scream and you call yell
You can cause all kinds of hell
Your darkest secrets you can tell,
I’ll still love you all the same.

Through rich or poor?
Or trials sore?
Forever more, my friend?
Until the end?
To break and bend?
I will defend you.
By your side I’ll stay
Though you try to push away
And still, yet still,
I love you all the same

I'll sing this to you every night
I hope you hear your lullaby
Open your eyes, give me a smile
Just stay here for a while....

Because of Saving Me

So officially, that was the best Valentines Day in the world.

Basically, sparing the "gory" details, I was kidnapped on the thirteenth and taken hostage in the cliffs at LaPush, about three hours from the actual reservation.

God, it was amazing.

Everything smelled like sea salt, and there were these little yellow Posey-looking flowers all over the place, frozen. It was bitterly cold, but neither one of us could really feel it, so we spent those three days camped out there, sleeping in a sleeping bag in this itty-bitty tent, all curled up and cozy.

We drove back on Thursday night, passing through LaPush, where several of his friends were glaring at us as we passed, and actually reaching my house at about midnight. He couldn't stay; he was getting sick again (probably my fault, he said jokingly) and had to take care of a newly formed wolf back at home, so he dropped me off, kissed me goodnight, and left.

I slept soundly and dreamt of the sea and the sand and huge rocks with carvings of wolves on them while I danced around, laughing.

Nothing good lasts around here, though. Ever.

The next morning, Esme told me Zach had called to say he wasn't going to be able to be at school that day, which wasn’t a big deal. He had the flu, common for the wolves, and had been working with the new kid all night, making him exhausted beyond belief.

I drove to school in Edward’s car (he was still at Bella’s – it was a Valentine’s thing), and pretty much just slept through the first three hours. Not literally, of course, but it felt like it.

Then, of course, came lunch.

Honestly, I don’t know what happened. It could be that there wasn’t anyone to sit with me and distract me since both Annora and Zach weren’t there, but whatever it was happened so quickly and suddenly that… Well, let me start over:

I walked to lunch alone, tempted to just skip it since no one was there with me. But, thinking of Edward’s displeasure over this itty bitty fact, I decided to suffer through it and grabbed a tray, walking through the line.

“Hey, sexy!” Some new kid called out, obviously not from a small city and ready to prove to his new friends that he was so-called cool. “Aw, come on, babe! Turn around and talk to me!”

I turned around and looked at him darkly before turning back to the food line.

“Aaaw, she loves me. It’s okay, sweetheart! Ditch the boyfriend and get you some Pennington!”

So he was Kyle Pennington; the rich kid from San Francisco that everyone had been gushing and having mini-heartaches over (that I’d felt, thank you senior class). I’d make sure to remember that to put on the headstone. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down, surprised that I was actually getting this angry.

“You’re the only non-screwed up member of your family, babe! I know this! And God, your boyfriend is that one Zach dude? Come onnnn! He’s most definitely gay, honey! Come over here and I’ll show you what a real man’s kiss…”

Two seconds. That’s all it took.

I had Kyle Pennington’s ass pinned up against the wall, three inches from my face quicker than his friends could start to laugh.

His green eyes read my ferocity before I could spell it out. I could feel my eyes shift darkly and the panicked look on his face made me smile.

“You damn well don’t know a thing about who I am, Kyle,” I sneered, “and I wouldn’t go advertising how much of a badass you are until you can resist being held up against a wall by a girl much shorter and very much prettier than yourself.”

Underneath my hand, I could feel his quickened heartbeat, echoing through his jugular vein.
Blood pounding.
Heart racing.

My eyes glazed over and the hunger returned.
I remembered it.

Her name had been Mira.
She’d smiled so pretty.
Her hair so black.
She was so weak.
So warm.
So good.
So… fulfilling.

I lost all control and snarled, leaning forward, teeth bared…

I was ripped away and landed on the floor, tackled by a mass of flesh, as Kyle crumpled to the floor. People started screaming, some running for Kyle, as I was rocketed out of the building by whoever had caught me.

DAMMIT, my mind roared, and I lashed out at the human barrier.

Whoever it was yelled an obscenity and put me in a hold, now limping, taking me farther and farther away from the school.

We reached the edge of the woods, and whoever held me slammed my head against the closest tree, the resounding pain registering only barely in my mind, the words spoken almost vanishing into thin air as I threw out one last kick towards them…

“Jesus… No…!”


I blacked out and my thoughts spiraled away into confused and crazed ideas, burning out into memories…

Mira. Mira, Mira, Mira…
She had been at the same party I’d been to; the one that everyone in Boston who was no one was at; the party for the freaks and the misguided.

I found her as I stumbled out, drunk with the smell of liquor. She was originally from London, though her family had immigrated to the states only years before, as she had just finished telling her boyfriend’s friend. She was drunk, too drunk to focus when I found her, crying softly by the brick wall. The only reason I noticed her was because of the gash on her cheek, bleeding profusely, unaware that my crimson eyes had caught her. Her boyfriend had been there; he’d committed that mark on her head. Her pain was killing me, blinding me, and instinctively mad, I reached out and grabbed her by the arm.

The bone broke, and she cried out, but I silenced her.

She was the ninth and tenth; the one that I remembered most. She’d been pregnant.

I screamed, waking up, and tried to put my hands to my face; to black out the light, but I couldn’t. They were tied down beside me, shackled in rope and steel, materials that I could usually bend as easily as anything, but was too weak to even fight now.

“Are you about finished?” Edward said sharply.

I opened my eyes and cringed. I was tied to a tree.

“Oh my God.” I whispered. “What did I do?”

“Well, you broke Kyle Pennington’s leg, which he’s more than likely not too happy about, and then…”

Alice placed a hand on his shoulder and shook her head, wincing.

“…some other things, which are not the best things you could’ve done.” He finished lamely.

I started to sob uncontrollably. “Oh my God. Oh my God…!”

“Clara, sweetheart, it’s going to be okay.” Carlisle said soothingly, and then to Edward, “Please, be nice. I’ve got to get something to clean her up.”

Alice followed him as he headed away, looking back at Edward warningly.

Edward nodded, seeing what only he could see inside of her head, looking uptight. “I’ll try, and yes, you might as well.”

His eyes moved back to me, where he stood, watching me cry for a good five minutes before sighing and kneeling down beside me, breaking the rope and undoing the bonds, taking my wrists and rubbing them so the pain would go away.

I just sat there as he did it, limp and crying, my eyes not really looking at anything, feeling almost delusional.

He let my wrists go, and used his thumbs to wipe away my tears.

“Clara, it really is going to be okay.”

I shook my head furiously.

“Kyle’s been told that he tripped, and the rest of the school believes it. They didn’t see you, Clara. They heard the retorts, they saw the scene, but you were so quick that it didn’t register.”

I winced, crying even harder. “I almost killed him… I was so close…”

Edward looked appalled – he obviously hadn’t known that. He opened his mouth, and then shut it.

I pulled my legs up to my chest and buried my face.

Edward sat back, watching me somberly.

That night passed so slowly; Carlisle came back with Alice and Jasper, who were trying fruitlessly to convince me that it was alright (‘I don’t know what the hell happened, but she’s not affected by what I’m doing’ Jasper exclaimed in earnest to Carlisle) as he cleaned me up. Eventually, after getting no response, they left, Edward still there, staring across at me, a haunted look on his face.

Alice came by a while later, looking worried, and nodded over at Edward who shook his head and tightened his lips, his expression unchanged, motioning that she could leave. After another few moments of pure silence, he spoke:

“When I was younger, several years after I found the Cullens, I almost exposed us. I killed people, Clara. I won’t ever forget it, but you have to be forgiving of your own kind.”

I shook my head, tears drenching my sleeves.

I heard him stand up and hesitate; I felt the pain he had in his eyes when he looked at me, and the earnest pain in his heart that bored into mine – like he knew something that I didn’t; something that was going to hurt me even worse.

At the last moment, when he was about to say something, he changed his mind and shook his head, turning and leaving me in the woods.

Midnight came swiftly, and then it was dark for what seemed like forever.

I heard footsteps and smelled wolf before they even thought about approaching.

“Clara Hale?”

It wasn’t him; my heart sank and I was quiet.

“Clara…” Dhart approached and sat next to me, embracing me, surprising me.

He was crying.

I had a feeling that I was connected to this, and I sighed through my own salty tears and readjusted myself, hugging him back.

I don’t know when it was, the time seemed to bleed together immeasurably, but I fell asleep, dreamless, like some part of my brain had decided to take mercy on me for once.

When I woke up, I was in my bed, Edward in the chair in front of my desk, watching me blankly.

“Get your jacket,” he said blandly. “I have something to show… and tell… you.”

We took his Volvo, and I just stared out the window, thinking about how I’d lost control. It was so stupid to just lose it over that stupid kid. It wasn’t the first time I’d had a kid pester me like that, but it was the first time I’d ever retaliated, or even hurt someone.

God, I was really going insane.

“Clara, we’re here.” Edward said softly, jolting me back into reality. I’d forgotten how fast he drove.

We were in Seattle.

I looked up at him, uncertain, and he just motioned for me to follow him. I undid my seatbelt and stood up out of the car, looking at the hospital looming before us.

“I don’t want to see him.” I said plainly. “I don’t want to see Kyle.”

“We’re not here to see idiot Pennington.” Edward said smoothly, sadly. “We’re here for someone else.”

I was confused, and slightly mollified by the idea, but as soon as we set foot in the door, I wanted to leave.

The antiseptiky smell haunted the corridors; the wait staff looked exhausted; people were dying here and I could feel the pain of it all.

“Edward…” I whispered, panicking.

“Clara, I know. Just… You want to be here.” He said.

“No. No, I don’t.”

He heaved a sigh and took my hand. “Come on.”

He led me through the halls, up an elevator, and through more passageways of the Seattle hospital until we reached room 121.

I was hyperventilating.

“Edward, please,” I begged. “I can’t see anyone right now after I’ve…”

He opened the door, and I froze, staring at the patient a minute before gingerly stepping foot in the room.

"How did this happen?" I said, my throat dry all of the sudden.

“He had some internal bleeding,” Edward said, his voice hollow. “Alice called him, telling him that she saw you attacking Kyle and killing him, but he didn’t stop. He went to your school, stopped you from bloodying up Pennington, and almost had prevented the whole thing…”

“So I did this.” I said in revulsion, the epiphany dawning on me with a morbid taste, bile creeping into my mouth. “I almost killed him by fighting him off.”

“He’s in a coma, Clara.” He said, his voice cracking. “They don’t know if he’s going to make it.”

I didn’t know the person in the bed, I tried to tell myself. It was someone else.

Dhart looked up at Edward from one of the plastic chairs, his eyes red and his hair messed up. “You didn’t tell her that her fiancée was unconscious?”

“No.” he said quietly, “It was better to give her a night of rest before breaking her heart.”

I glanced at Edward, who looked back at me wistfully. “You didn’t think he didn’t tell me that he was going to ask you to marry him over the weekend? Come on, Clara. He’s had it on his mind for a while.”

“We were going to wait for a year or so.” I choked out.

“I know,” he said, softly, looking sympathetic. “He asked me about that, too, and promised that he loved you, no matter what. He said that you couldn’t do anything to make him not love you.”

Right then and there, my heart shattered into a million pieces, every ounce of pain possible soaking up through my skin.

I was shaking so much that it hurt, and almost fell as I made it to the bed.

Zach. My Zach.

I crawled into the bed, next to him, and wrapped my arms around him, laying my head on his chest, sobbing. The hospital gown felt so unnatural – like I was just laying on some plastic-feeling paper, yet the paper was so warm, and with a heartbeat that was slower than normal, almost back to a human rate.

“I’m so sorry,” I cried. “I am so, so sorry!”

And scared. I was scared beyond anything I’d ever experienced. There was nothing that could keep me from this fear; it froze my insides and for once, it was harder to breathe than I thought possible.

He looked too wrong here; he was wild and free, and now here he was, confined in a bed, motionless.

I reached under the covers and took his hand, holding it tightly, the looseness of his fingers making me wince.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked through my tears, “I could’ve been here when…”

“He wasn’t ever conscious, Clara.” Edward said, his voice breaking slightly. “He wasn’t conscious when we found him, and he didn’t wake up once in the transition here.”

I fought the urge to scream in agony with this new knowledge. His pain jutted out towards mine, though it wasn’t actually much since he was comatose, but it made me want to take it all; to not just feel it, but to steal it away from him, so that maybe he would make it through this.

Oh, God, I loved him so much! He couldn’t be taken away from me now! We needed each other!
…I needed him!

Dhart walked over to the bed, his eyes full of his own sadness, tears gathering in the corners. His lip trembled. “He knew you were the one for him, Clara. He loved everything about you.” He blinked, and the tears rushed down his cheeks silently.

The three of us stayed there, Carlisle coming in and whispering words of comfort to me every now and then, taking his temperature, inserting more IV’s – until closing.

When Carlisle came in the final time, I was feigning sleep, just so I wouldn’t have to believe any of this was actually going on. After he left, whispering something to Edward, Edward came and picked me up effortlessly, following Dhart outside.

I couldn’t have fought if I had wanted to.


At three AM, I woke up, crying again.

I didn’t tell anyone, though I’m sure most of them knew, sneaking out of the house and running to the hospital, where Carlisle was sitting with him in his down time, reading.

He looked up as I entered, but just nodded and continued back to his book.

I crawled under the covers, beside Zach, and wrapped myself around him, my left hand fidgeting with the white gold ring that he’d placed there only two nights before.

He’d kissed me, hard on the lips, and spun me around, both of us laughing in the chilly air and collapsing into our sleeping bags that we’d zipped together. For a long time, he just kind of sat there, his head rested against his elbow, and when I’d laughed and asked him what he was doing, he said that he was thinking about how good everything had been; how even though there had been hard times, that somehow, they were just obstacles that we’d helped each other over.

I shivered next to his warm body, remembering.

He told me he loved me, more than anything else in the world, and that he would always look after me better than anyone could. And then, as we were both falling asleep, he sighed, and I almost couldn’t make out whether it was a dream, or if he was sleep-talking, and said, ‘if I asked you to marry me tonight, would you?’ and I said yes; that I loved him forever, and always had. He gave me this lovely smile, it was heavenly and I swore I would always make him smile like that, and proposed right then, underneath the sleeping bags, the wind whispering lullabies in our ears.

“Please, please, please come back.” I whispered, resting my head on his heart again, the rhythm coaxing me to sleep. "I don't want you to go yet."

le bella clara

happy valentines day

i l o v e y o u , c l a r a e l i z a b e t h
[more than you could ever know]

[♥]

be mine?

Ever and Never.

Last night I dreamt about Nick. We were sitting underwater, in the ocean, just laughing at each other.

...No, I'm not on drugs. Pinky promise.

Oh, I guess I didn't post that on my blog... He moved away again. It seems that he still has family alive somewhere, most likely his step-sister. He wanted to be close to family, and really, I can't blame him.

Anyway, in the dream, he had never left, you know? Kind of like we were still friends from back when we were younger. And it wasn't a nightmare, like the Zach dream. Thank God.

I shouldn't be writing about this, I guess. Some pretty big stuff's been happening.

You know those awkward talks you hate to have but have to love later? (If confused, read again, but slowly and with another sheet of paper, if needed.) I had one of those with Zach today.

We were sitting out in the tree we'd first kissed under (Wow, that didn't sound cheesey at all...), just kind of talking about the upcoming weekend and what our families were up to. His best friend, Dhart, was actually coming over that night, and they were going to both come over on Saturday and hang out at our house. Dhart and I had met before; he was one of the werewolves with Zach that had helped save me, and it also kind of spurred on our eventual crossing since he went to school with us. He was relaxed around me, unlike his two older brothers, Malachi and Caston, who hated the idea of vampires in the first place, and had stopped talking to Zach since he'd become friends with me.

"Just... don't bring up Mal and Cast; it's kind of a personal subject that he doesn't like to talk about."

I nodded, swinging my feet back and forth off lacksadasically. "I know."

"And Jake may be swinging by for a minute to give some stuff to Bella through Edward, according to Edward's rules to Jake."

"I know."

"Yeah. If he decides to come up and talk, just kick him out, no big deal, okay?"

I raised an eyebrow, smiling at Zach. "I... Wait... You want ME to kick him out?"

Zach looked over at me in alarm, and then relaxed, seeing that I was teasing, grinning. "Obnoxious."

I nudged him playfully. "We've talked about this. Why so serious all of the sudden?"

He sighed. "I don't know, I guess it's just that I really want everyone to love you like I do, but not like I do, because then I'd have to shank them."

I went over his words for a minute, and then began laughing so hard that by the time I was able to breath again, the tears were leaking out of my eyes. "Did you really just say shank?!"

He laughed along with me. "High school vocabulary. Honestly, I couldn't think of anyway else to describe what I'd do! But seriously, Clare, I really want them to like you."

I shrugged. "It's not like it wouldn't be understandable if they didn't."

He frowned sarcastically over at me. "There's nothing wrong with you."

"I'm dead, Zach. That's usually kind of a quick turn-off."

He laughed dryly. "Still... As a person..."

"A dead person..."

He rolled his eyes. "As a DEAD person, you're not vicious or flesh-eating or completely repulsive."

"Oh, good! As long as I'm not completely repulsive...!"

He laughed quietly. "Clara, you really don't seem like you're dead, though, and I keep having a hard time reminding myself that you are."

The mood shifted in the tree from happy-go-lucky to solemn.

"Zach..." I started uneasily.

"I know, you warned me, but I just can't imagine you dying."

I shrugged. "It wasn't anything special. I just, bam, died."

"...And then cowered in pain and agnoy for days." he finished dryly.

"Well, okay, yeah, but I was passed out for a long time, you know. I didn't really feel anything too much; probably why I can do the whole 'sense pain' thing."

Zach shuddered. "Okay, ruining the completely happy moment we're currently having, are you avalible from the thirteenth to the fifteenth?"

I frowned at him. "You're not going to come over?"
is
He smiled mischeviously. "I refuse to."

"Oh, really?"

"Really. For Valentine's Day, you're all mine."

I grinned. "Kidnapping me?"

"Heck yes."

"Okay. Where to, oh thou theif of the invincible Clara?"

"That's none of the invincible Clara's worries. Her super hot Zachary has got it all planned out." he said, winking.

I was in awe.
I'd found a guy who wanted to celebrate a chocolaholic holiday with a girl who didn't eat food and thought flowers were a waste of money. But WHY?

Soon enough, it was dark outside and Zach's phone read almost ten. He kissed me goodnight and carried me out of the tree, laughing at my feeble attempts to get away.

"I hate being carried."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Princess. Would you like me to make it up to you?"

I smiled. "Stay tonight? Go to school tomorrow?"

He laughed. "I don't think so. Dhart's going to be pissed as it is that I'm three hours late - I'm not sure that he'd like hearing that I completely blew him off... Especially since the new kid is still having trouble in transition." he sighed, and then smiled evilly over at me. "Though trust me," he said, raising an eyebrow. "It is tempting."

I flipped my hair. "Tempting is in my nature."

"Thank God." He kissed me. "Anyway, I'll still be able to pick you up from school tomorrow, and we'll do whatever you want... Minus the whole 'bind Zach up and torture him for leaving'."

"Very funny. Do you realize you just ruined the whole aspect of what I had planned?"

He grinned. "Sorry - life kind of sucks in that way."

He left after dropping me by the house - like I needed an escort - and headed over to his house, the one he hadn't spent too many nights in since he'd met me. Not that we would ever do anything, you know. Just sleep. But that was good; we were mutual on that whole thing.

After all, when dreaming came down to it, some times sleeping was pretty fun.

At home, we were back to discussing the upcoming holiday - Edward had brought it up. He was pacing the room as everyone else sat around and calmly laughed at him.

"It's such a fickle holiday!" he exclaimed.

"Girls love "fickle" holidays, Ed." Jasper chimed in. "Alice and I already have plans, in fact."

Edward shot him a look. "There's the problem; I need to take her somewhere special."

"Why not back to the meadow? She loves that place." Rosalie threw in, looking somewhat disgusted and touched at the same time, if that was even possible. "Em and I are just staying home, watching some scary movies, and then... Ha."

Her eyes landed on me and she smiled wickedly. "Toning the coversation back down, Emmett and I will be having a lovely boring evening at home that will not involve anything about a bed."

"You're horrid." I said dryly. "I don't want to know about your love life."

"You love it." Emmett retorted to me, walking into the room, hugging her. "But agreed - Let's keep that to ourselves."

I shivered.

"I can't use the meadow again." Edward said blandly. "I want this to be really special - the wedding's been postponed again and again, and there's not a great enough way to make that up to her, but I want to try."

He sighed and looked over at me, a frustrated look on his face. "Where have you been?"

"With Zach. He's not coming over tonight."

Edward nodded, and then looked thoughtful, a playful look growing on his face. "So do you two have any plans for Valentine's Day?"

I snorted. "Yes."

Edward started laughing loudly, thunderous booms scaring the rest of the family.

"What the hell...?" Mumbled Emmett.

I groaned. "I hate Valentine's Day. The whole essence of it drives me crazy."

He looked amused. "No lie?"

"No, actually, she's not." Edward supplied happily. "The year I knew her before she was changed, she explained that if she was changed, she'd gladly give up chocolates and flowers, because she wasn't fond of either."

"You don't like CHOCOLATE?!"

I nodded. "Hate the stuff. It's not like I'd eat it anyway, though, with the whole 'dead' vibe going on."

"Or flowers."

"Right."

"But flowers are pretty!" Alice chirped.

"I know! But they die so quickly... And I have a bad history with them."

"Oh, PLEASE. Clara Elizabeth Jezabel, you're just trying to be dramatic!" Rosalie exclaimed.

"No, really." Edward said, quietly amused. "I brought her flowers the day I left."

"Which, incidentally, was the day that I died." I filled in. "They were gorgeous, blood red roses, but I was in so much pain that I can't stand them anymore."

"Oh my God, you're weird." Emmett pointed out.

"It's still no reason to call me your God, Em." I said teasingly.

He cracked a smile. "Loser."

Edward went back to thinking of plans, and glanced up at me as I tried to sneak away into my room.

"Hey, so if you're not going anywhere, maybe you two and Bella and I..."

I sighed. "No. You need to be with Bella by yourself. Plus, like I said, I have plans. Zach's stealing me for three days."

Edward's eyes turned dark. "What?"

"We're just going to hang out somewhere, Ed. Don't flip out."

He shook his head. "That's why he's been humming.

"...Pardon?"

The doorbell rang, and I jumped up to get it. "All of you, shut up and behave."

"Psh, whatever." Alice said haughtily.

I took a breath to calm me down. "Okay. Here we go. Dhart and Zach."

Pulling open the door, smiling brightly, I was tackled by a huge werewolf bulk in a hug.

"Zach! Jeez!"

He laughed, planting a kiss on my cheek. "Sorry. I missed you."

I grinned. "I missed you, too."

He stepped inside, another figure trailing him in.

"Hi, you're Clara, then?"

I nodded, shaking his hand. "And you must be Dhart."

He was pretty cute, but most of them were, from what I'd seen. He had dark eyes, with the same color hair that hung in his eyes, dressed in baggy jeans and a 'Wickedosity' tee-shirt, with a slightly questioning smile.

"Right." He looked down at my hand, curious. "So it's true then?"

Zach raised his eyebrows.

"You're a..."

"Vampire. Yep." I smiled. "Pretty weird, hm?"

He kind of laughed. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess so."

"Anyway..." Zach said, shooting his friend a look. "We were just going to watch some movies and hang out over here..."

"Sounds cool." Dhart said politely. "Thanks for inviting me to come with him, Clara."

I nodded. "You're welcome, though you really don't need to much of an invitation. It's kind of an open house."

He smiled again, like he thought I was strange.

Luckily, I was used to it.

"Okay," Zach said as we headed into the living room. "Shooter or Bourne?"

"I'm more toward Shooter, but only because it's got Kate Mara in it. I love her." I noted, shrugging.

Meanwhile, Dhart had stopped dead in his tracks.

"Hello." Edward said amusedly from the corner of the room. "Nice to see you again."

I could tell Dhart was trying not to growl, his eyes on my so-called brother. "Are you actually related to her, or are you here just to piss me off?"

"Neither. I live here, but I'm not actually blood relation, if you'll pardon the pun. None of us are. But I thought you knew this by now...?"

I groaned. It was going to be a long night.

And truly, it was. It stretched out until ten, after we finished watching the movie, Zach and Dhart sitting awkwardly on the couch while I curled up on the loveseat, Dhart still nervous about being around me. As both of them put on their jackets, Dhart already heading out the door, Zach leaned down and kissed me.

"I'm sorry." He said wistfully.

"No, I'm sorry. 'Gracious host' is not on my list of perfected abilities."

"He could have been a little more poised."

I shrugged, trying to look neutral. "It doesn't matter."

He kissed me again, wrapping his arms around me. "Two more days and I'll kidnap you. Just the two of us. No worries, okay?"

I sighed, leaning into him. "Okay. I love you."

He smiled, stalling at the doorway. "I love you more."

So pretty much, I'll have to post more soon. I'm already tired (It's such a strange feeling!) and might actually be tempted to crash before midnight.

Your personal kidnap-ee,
Clara

Epitome of Lost.

“Clara?” A familiar, deep voice asked, sounding happily surprised.

“Zach?” I asked, stunned by the person next in line to me.

It had been ten years since I’d seen him, and the little curious smile he gave me made me remember why I’d loved him...

“Wow… You kept your promise; you haven’t changed.” He said bitterly.

…And why I’d had to let him go.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know. You look amazing.”

And he did; so much that it hurt. He would be almost thirty by now, and he had that look of someone who was living regularly, loving life to the fullest.

“Look, about the wedding…”

“I didn’t get married.” I interrupted, a little too quickly, and he smiled wistfully.

“I know… But… I did.”

Only then did I notice the little girl who was holding tightly onto one of his fingers, looking about four-years-old, with curly, blond hair and wide, blue and gold-flecked eyes that stared up at me intently. She looked exactly like him minus the rolls of baby fat and the fingers tucked inside of her mouth, in a frilly sleeveless shirt and tiny jean shorts, with white buckled sandals on her chubby feet.

“Oh.” I said, fighting the urge to fall over.

“But I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you… Or send you an invitation or anything.”

“Um, no, no, it’s okay. I mean, it’s your wedding.”

He smiled down at the girl, still addressing me. “Her name’s Emilie Clare…”

I couldn’t speak.

“I didn’t forget you, you know.” He said quietly. "Even after you left and I married Karmen…”

“You married Karmen?” I choked.

He looked puzzled. “Well… Yes…”

“Karmen… As in the one who used to hang around with Sam? Karmen; Jacob’s step-sister?”

“Yeah, Clara, the one and only.”

“Oh, my God.” I said, breathless.

The little girl’s eyes grew even wider.

“Ah…” Zach hesitated. “Maybe we should go see mommy, sweetheart.”

She nodded and he looked around for her as the bile crept into my mouth. Sweetheart.

“Um, so, what else is… new?” I asked, for a lack of better words.

He smiled back at me quickly. “Karmen’s expecting twins in a couple months, so we’ve been extremely busy getting the house ready and…” he sighed. “I have no idea where she is. So… How has the family been?”

I ran my fingers over my face. “I really don’t know anymore. I’m the only one who lives here now, since Ed and Bella moved away, Esme and Carlisle are in Alaska for the next hundred years, Annora and Ryan got married two years back, and Rose and Emmett are on a temporary split, both of them vacationing in Italy, dealing with business for a while, being forgotten by Forks.”

The news shocked me more than him.

He nodded for a minute, and I almost didn’t catch the nauseated expression on his face as he remarked on the next subject: “Look, I know it’s kind of abrupt, but I want to make sure you’re doing okay… You know, with the funeral and everything.”

“I’m fine, Zach… What funeral?”

“Abeline’s funeral…” He said, concernedly.

I just shrugged and shook my head. Figuring out that I didn’t know what he was talking about, he took a tentative step towards me, raw pain in his eyes.

“Abeline, Clara. Our three-month-old daughter.”


I was screaming when I woke up, clutching at blankets and pillows wildly like the kind of monster I was. I didn't need to breathe, and yet I was close to hyperventilation.

I'd never felt anything like this before - the pure panic.

Everyone but Annora was there -- Rosalie had gotten in the night before last, toting Emmett around with her and refusing to let anyone steal him away for a moment, while Jasper and Alice had been in a Monopoly championship for the last three days, fighting it out on Train Depots and Boulevards. Edward had been without Bella the last few days, as Charlie had shipped her off to some kind of camp in the mountains, leaving him worrisome and reclusive at times, and both Carlisle and Esme hadn't really changed anything from the daily routine, save for the fact that Carlisle had made the Guinness Book of World Records for number of lives saved (he only told us, though --- No one else needed to know, and we didn't need the publicity). Annora was still on the run with Ryan - No one knew where they were.

Everything had been a little screwed up.

But now, I looked around, and everyone was staring at me with horrified expressions on their faces.

I took a deep breath. "What?"

"You... Aah..." Jasper started in, not really focusing on words.

"You fell asleep." Zach said, his voice pitched strangely.

I froze, tightening my grip on the sheets. "What?"

Carlisle, ever the calm one, looked reserved and almost studious. "You reached a state of sleep that, as far as I know, isn't supposed to be available to other vampires."

"And you had a dream..." Edward said, pained, looking at Zach. "You talked a little..."

My eyes went over to Zach, who stood there looking broken, his gaze down at my foot board.

"Oh, God..." I whispered.

"Yeah. It wasn't something that we'd all exactly like to thank you for." Rosalie said bitterly.

Emmett's hand slid across the banister and landed on top of hers quickly. "It's not her fault, Rose." he noted quietly.

She shook her head and walked away, leaving the room.

Emmett sighed. "Clare, we all know that it wasn't anything that might really happen... Hopefully. But Rosalie... She's so vulnerable right now." he said apologetically, and followed his wife out the door.

Carlisle nodded at the others. "Let's just leave her alone for a while."

Halfway out the door, Jasper stopped and looked back at the one person left beside my bed. "Are you coming?"

"No," Zach sighed. "Not right now."

Jasper nodded, Alice following him, whispering words of suspicion into his ear.

The door closed, and Zach's eyes met mine, and he just watched me for a while, wordless.

Eventually, he came around the bed and sat next to me wrapping his warm fingers around mine.

"Clara..."

And that's when the second worse thing that could possibly happen, happened:

I started crying.

Cold, almost frigid tears, racing down my cheek, along my nose, and into the corners of my mouth, where they gathered and then trickled down my chin, on the covers.

I gasped and stared at the wet spots.

Zach looked overwhelmed for a minute, and just as I thought he would run away, reached out and wrapped me in a hug, pressing my face against his shoulder harshly.

"Clara, I couldn't not love you..." he whispered.

I just cried. I couldn't agree with him, and reassure him that I knew, because I didn't. It seemed so plausible... Which could've just been part of the 'haven't dreamed in over seventy years' thing.

"It felt so real," I blubbed. "You and Karmen and Abeline and..."

"Who are they?" Zach interrupted, gently pushing me back, rubbing his thumbs along my tear-streaked cheeks, making me feel like a child. "What're you talking about?"

I struggled to gain my composure. "But... I thought I talked..."

"You did," He explained, still looking slightly hurt. "You kept saying 'you don't love me' and 'my fault' over and over, practically screaming... And you said that Rose and Emmett weren't together anymore..." He tried to smile. "It was slightly enough to scare me out of bed."

"Zach... Oh, my God." I leaned into him again, sobbing. "It was so bad. You and I... We'd been married..."

He cringed.

"...No! No, that's not the bad thing... It was just... We'd split up and you'd gotten remarried... To Karmen, and had a little girl... It was ten years since I'd seen you... Our daughter..."

I tried to get the words to connect, but they wouldn't. Zach held me tightly.

"What daughter, Clare?" he said softly.

I pulled back, my hands falling into my lap limply. "Her name... Her name was Abeline... And... She was three months old... And... And... She was dead. She'd died after I..." I choked on the pain. "After I left you... And it had killed us even more...your wedding... you didn't invite me..."

Zach was horrified. "I would... I would never." He sputtered, his motions helpless.

"You didn't!" I said, crying even more. "I'm the one who ended it, because I was so afraid of you dying."

Weakly, he rubbed his eyes, and then motioned towards me. I scooted over, almost blinded by the incredible amount of liquid gathered in my eyes, and he laid my head in his lap, cradling my head, running his fingers through my hair until I calmed down enough to relax.

Turning around, my face towards his grey eyes, I sighed. "I'm so sorry."

He nodded once, not breaking eye-contact, and was quiet for a moment, as if he wasn't sure about what his words would hold for him.

"Clara, there's always a possiblity that what you dreamed... That it could be something very real."

I flinched.

"But whatever the case," he continued, slowly and with delicacy, "I would rather love you and have you leave me... and lose a child, before I would try not to love you and pretend we never had anything between us."

I smiled through the shaking that had completely overtaken my body and leaned up on my elbows to kiss him, and then lay back down next to where he followed suit, exhaling. "Thank you."

His smile was wistful. "I would say anytime, but that would be expecting more of this, so... You're welcome."

We lay there for a few minutes, not doing anything. My mind wandered to the dream, and then to the latest revelation of strange that had happened in this family - I was both sleeping and crying. Two things that were unheard of in... Well, in vampires.

I hated that word. Vampire. It reminded me of the things I'd done when I was first new to everything; new to the world that came from a single bullet to the heart.

"Zach... I've murdered people... It was a long time ago, but I... I killed. In cold blood."

He was quiet for a minute, and then sighed. "I know. Edward happened to mention some such thing before I even met you. He said that it would keep me from getting to close unless I really wanted to, so that my feelings towards you, hate or love or anything in between, would be justified."

"Oh."

"But thanks for telling me, either way."

I nodded. Lying here beside him, it didn't seem like much was wrong in the world; like Annora hadn't run away, like I hadn't completely flipped out on the family, like the Volturri and the Purple Whatevers were after us all the time - It was like I was normal and in love with someone who loved me for who I was, no matter what was going to happen.

"I love you." Zach said, as if he'd heard my thoughts.

I smiled and he kissed me.

----

"Well, you're officially a freak." were the first words out of Alice's mouth as I went downstairs. I still didn't eat human food, thank God (Annora had only stocked up on ice cream before leaving), but I had fallen asleep again.

Thankfully, I hadn't dreamed.

"Actually, you may be more of a living proof of something that I've never seen before." Carlisle said curiously, looking at me from over a book.

"And that's supposed to mean...?"

Zach was still half-asleep, eating some of Annora's ice cream, but he looked at me, concerned, from across the table. I decided then and there that no vampire could look that beautiful - ever. With his messed up hair and tired eyes, he was an angel.

"I think you may have adopted some of the DNA from one of your, ah, meals before you came to us. The glass, for one, sinking into your hand..."

"That was some kind of freak accident; there was something in the glass or... or something."

"Or it could be diamond, and you're not as non-breakable as you thought." Edward said teasingly.

"Exactly," Carlisle confirmed. "Otherwise, it would've shattered on the landing in the first place. And then there was the dreaming, and from what I hear, you've cried?"

The look on my face was enough to prove him right.

"Basically, Clara, I think you're adopting some, if not all, of the human qualities that any wom..."

"Okay, okay, no need to go there. Bad memories. But seriously... their DNA is merging with mine? After so many years?"

"It's the only probable cause I can imagine."

...Which, in Carlisle speak, is usually right.


It's been a long day, and though I don't sleep as much as, say, Zach, I'm still exhausted most of the time, which is new... And weird.

So for now, I'm going to try and make Zach sleep. He seems really disturbed, which is pretty understandable.

Humanescely,
Clara.

(Ps - ANNORA, GET YOUR ASS HOME.)

Talk to Me.

Hi, everyone who's ever read this blog. It's been a crazy month, with a crazy-long recap to go along with it, unfortunately for my fingers.

SO, just in case you're not much of a reader, or want to make sure I'm sticking to my word about talking about "the incident" that happened LAST time I posted, here's a list of the bigger, more robust points of this month:

• I'm typing this in my hideous bridesmaid's dress.
• Zach and I are on some very special speaking terms.
• I chose between letting Nicholas stay or making him go.
• I have a creep stalker who should hate me, but loves me.
• Several strange situations. (nothing new here...)
• I have two very pretty new 'accessories.'
• I've finally unwrapped my gifts.

Get excited, people.

And, alright, I know that for some of those, I was more than vague. But do you really expect to get a story out of me in less than a hundred bullets? I don't think so.

Anyway, wow, it's been a while. I actually had to check to see where I'd left off; what I'd done last. Kind of shocking, moving on...

Nick was at my house, following me around, etc., and everyone got reaquainted with him (ex-fiancees are never something anyone wants to mess around with, especially if both of you happen to be dead) and Zach was both sick and hating me for having him show up, like it was under any of MY control, at my eighty-first birthday party.

That night, I sat out on the porch swing and hoped he would come back.

The next four nights, I sat out on the porch swing and hoped he would come back.

On the sixth night, Edward came outside, sitting with me silently. He watched the stars, like he was actually out there for that sole purpose, rocking back and forth. Eventually, he sighed (dramatic, really, since we don't need to).

"Look, I know you'll choose the right things to do, and I understand that you're hurting and everything-"

"You are too."

He winced. "Yeah. One word - purple. But I just wanted to give you this."

He pulled a gift-wrapped box from beside him and handed it to me. I smiled at him, and looked guilty. He'd tried to bring a little life and happiness back, and it had totally gotten out of control. "Thanks, Ed."

"Happy late Birthday," He said, smiling, and then left without waiting for me to open it.

So when I did, I was left alone to cry.

In the package lay a picture of my family - every one of them - with a note written not in Edward's handwriting, but in my own blood-related brother's.

"Dear Clara,
Today, the entire community attended the memorium for a girl who died long ago, in a big town with a big reputation for those kind of things. Her name and the way people talked about her resembled very much my sister, but I know in my heart that my sister isn't dead.
Clara, I've lived years and years, hoping that maybe you're looking in on me, watching me and my grandchildren, my children, all going on about our lives, while though you're not here, your own life is going on somewhere else. I don't believe you to be dead in any sense; you're not the kind to get kidnapped and murdered.
I'm getting very old, and I know that you will know the names and faces of both yours and mine family, but in case something ever happens to me, or if when I die, you are somehow forgotten by them, I want you to have this picture - it's the rest of your heart all on a sheet of expensive parchment for you to keep eternally.
You will forever be my angel, dead or alive. You're my only sister, and I love you always.
Happy birthdays, Merry Christmases, and many, many apologies for not being there when you may need me.
I hope that Edward, the Earth-Angel you talked constantly about, is with you somewhere, making sure that you're safe.
Your Brother,
Cole Laylan"

The five members of my forever-lost family laughed up at me like nothing could ever be wrong in the world. Only Cole, knowing exactly what he was going to do with his copy of the picture, looked slightly serious; secure and wondering.

I didn't let go of the photo or the letter all night.

The next morning, I went up to Edward's room (after making sure Bella wasn't there - I don't know what it is about her, but it hurts so much to even TALK around her - and it's not my hurt). Knocking on the door three times, I heard a quiet 'come in'.

"Thank you."

He smiled. "I was actually worried you'd hate me for getting you that. It was at Cole's house, and I wanted to see if he'd left anything for you before he passed on so that no one else would think you were... ah... in the ground, per say, and throw it away."

"I couldn't be mad if I tried. This is too amazing of a gift, Edward. you don't know how much this means to me." I whispered.

"It's still not what you need, though."

I looked up at him in alarm.

"Go find Zach, Clara. Don't throw yourself through hell and try and keep it from everyone. I don't need to see inside your head to know that you love him."

I was horrified. "Oh, GOD! Why do you have to be the one to say these things!?"

He grinned. "Because I know how it goes. Anyway, try to reason with him. He's hurt more than you are right now, believe it or not, and doesn't understand much at the moment."

"He's being stubborn. He won't talk to me."

"Have you tried? He's a man, Clare, and he loves-"

"STOP USING THAT WORD ABOUT ME."

Edward burst into uproarish laughter. "It's just a word!"

"It hasn't ever... Oh, hell, I don't want to explain this."

I left then, Edward still laughing loud enough to hear from outside.

Alice and Rosalie wished me well (thanks a lot, Alice), and before I was even really thinking, I found myself down in LaPush, face to face with Sam.

"I know that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me, but can I please talk to Zach?"

Sam smiled down at me kindly. I don't think I've ever felt so short in my life. "That would be amazing, but... There's one slight problem; he's not here."

"What?" I was appalled. He'd run away from me, both here and at my home! WUSS, my head screamed, but I knew, for sure, that he had a reason that didn't involve anything having to do with being scared to confront me; my heart knew that one.

"He's not here; he left a couple nights back, looking kind of sleepless, and told us that he'd be back eventually, and not to look for him."

That sounded so familiar, and it didn't take long for me to peice that together with the close-to-exact same thing I'd done after Annora first saw the purple eyes and I was chasing away the pain.

...He went to the forest.

"Thanks, Sam!" I shouted behind me, running towards the woods. The clouds ahead rumbled fiercely, and several small droplets hit my nose, though I was running fast enough to miss most of them. He'd gone where I'd go, I would've bet anything in the world.

The rain started heaviest as I reached the beginning of the forest, looking quickly, smelling for him. I followed his trail to the clearing, and from there, I could see his shadow across the way.

Unfortunately, he could also see mine through the buckets of rain falling from the sky, dousing both of us.

"Go away," He said in a normal, if not more sad than usual, voice. "No one wants you here, Clara."

"Zach, I can explain, because, without trying to be cliche, that really wasn't what it looked like."

"It doesn't matter. You've told me you couldn't think of me any other way than as a friend, but what if, Clara? What if I wanted to be more than your friend?"

I was getting desperate, and the water was bugging me. I'd gotten my leather jacket on before I'd left the house, but the rain couldn't be repelled. "Maybe I wanted you to be more, too! Maybe I was just stupid enough to tell myself love was for the living!"

He sighed. "It doesn't matter," he repeated. "Especially not when you're only saying this to get me out of here." He laughed darkly. "WHY DON'T YOU BE A REL FRIEND FOR ONCE?" He yelled, as if I was actually human enough to not hear him. "LEAVE ME OUT HERE TO FIGURE ALL OF THIS OUT."

"BECAUSE, DAMMIT, I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND." I yelled angrily, instantly regretting it.

There was a minute of silence, the rain pounding on the mud and grass between us.

"You're not my friend." Zach repeated morosely.

"I can't be," I reasoned. "I love you too much."

The shadow lifted his hands up to his head. "Clara..."

"And look, okay?" I said, a desperate plea to my voice. "Nick was my finacee, and I'll admit that, but when he reoffered, I refused. The look on your face assured me that you meant everything you'd ever said to me, and I can't trade that for someone that I may not even know anymore! Nick is still my friend, and he's going to stay in Forks, but I swear, Zach, that's all he is!
"GOD!" I exclaimed at myself, and slid down the base of the tree I was by into the mud, putting my eyes in my sleeves, my fists in my hair.

There was silence, but it was okay. I was done. I'd said what I was there to say, and that was all I could really do.

"Do you really mean that?" Zach said quietly, and I lifted up my face. He was there, jacket, jeans, and all, not looking at me. His eyes were red, matching his cheeks, and his arms were limp at his side.

I'd never seen him look that depressed.

"Yeah, I really do," I said standing up. "And I am so, so sorry for treating you like something disposable."

He smiled weakly. "Maybe you should've. I was pretty cheesey there for a while."

"Months ago. We were both stupid, then?"

He laughed thoughtfully, meeting my eye. "Okay; we were both stupid. But... Can I please ask you something, and if it's too soon, okay, and if I'm being forward or back to the stupid thing, that's fine, but..." He paused, "...Would it be okay if I kissed you?"

I stood up on my toes, every part of me wet and caked in mud, and wrapped my arms around him as he kissed me.

I loved him. Plain and simple. And it had taken a freaking nuclear pitfall to make me realize that.

...Suffice to say, Alice was estatic. Edward was even grinning like an idiot, but really and truly, Alice still stole the cake: "OH, I WANT TO PLAN YOUR WEDDING, TOO, OKAY?"

It scared Zach and I both, but she assured us she really couldn't see that far into the future.

We went up to my room, where we both instantly collapsed on the bed in all of our muddy glory and made love like we were on our honeymoon.

...Just kidding, Edward.

Actually, as we lay there on the bed, both of us staring up at the ceiling like old times, Zach swore and started digging around in his jacket.

"Inconvieniences..." he mumbled, and I propped myself up on my elbow.

"You really don't have to do a self-frisk to come to our house, you know. We have deadlier things than glass bottles over 3 ounces full of liquid."

He shook his head. "No, it's just... FOUND IT!"

He held up the same, small, gift-wrapped box he'd had at the party only a week before. "I'd forgotten about it."

"Me, too, actually. But you really don't have to give me anything, Zach. I've been a personal hellraiser lately, and really, you're the only present I need." I wrapped my arms around him and lay my head on his arm.

He objected. "No, this is your birthday gift and I want you to have it anyway."

I sighed. "Boys."

He laughed. "Vampire girls who can't accept gifts."

With one of his hands holding it, I used my right hand to tear away the paper.

I looked at the velvety box, horrified and scared. "Zach, really, you're only seventeen, and I can't..."

"I'm not giving you an engagement ring." He said calmly, fighting back laughter. "I swear."

"A purity ring? Earrings?"

"No, and no."

I groaned and opened up the box.

I gasped.

Inside lay a gold ring with three oval sapphires mounted in it, framed by two tiny diamonds on each side.

"Oh, wow..."

"It was my mother's," Zach explained hastily. "It seems kind of weird for a gift, but you're there for me more than anyone else I know... Well, except Sam, and I don't think he'd take the idea of a ring very nicely."

I laughed, close to crying. "Zach, this is beautiful, and I... Well, you made so I can't refuse it, and... I'm honored."

"Good." He said, slipping it onto my pinky. "Someone needs to be."

That night was perfect. He fell asleep by my side, and I fell off into some kind of reverie, thinking about everything that had happened in the last week.


Three days later, I came home from school with Carlisle, who had been forced to check me out of a hospital.

"I can't believe this!" I exclaimed, staring at the palm of my hand.

"I can't, either. I've never heard of anything like this before."

Zach sat in the back of the car with me, holding said palm, tracing the edge of a peice of glass that was lodged in my hand. It ran from where my fingers bagan to the point right above my wrist, and though it caused a stinging sensation to move my hand back and forth, it was almost worth it the way Zach kept running his finger over it, onto my fingers, and back again.

"I thought we were indestructable!" I argued with no one.

"I thought so, too." Both Zach and Carlisle supplied. "But getting that thick of a peice of glass stuck that side up in your hand... Something must have happened." Carlisle finished.

"The beaker exploded in the Chem class we were in," I explained again, still hyped. "And one of the peices was coming towards my head, so I stuck my hand up there to block it!"

"Okay, you're right, something happened. But something with the glass or your anatomy or... something." he responded.

"It didn't bleed or anything." Zach noted, not taking his attention off of the shard. "It was just... There."

"Right. And it hurt, and I yelled a horrible cuss word, and I got sent to the hospital where you," I motioned at Carlisle to the rearview mirror, "found me, screaming at them not to look at it."

He smiled. "They thought you just didn't want to be touched."

"That was one of the reasons." I said sourly, leaning up against Zach. "But at least you were working today."

"And at least you had super-humanly strength."

I snorted as the car pulled up to the house, Zach helping me out as if I was really an invalid.

"Hey, what's this?"

There was a package on our porch, with the word "CLARA" written in thick, black sharpie.

"It wasn't me, I swear." Zach said for my sanity.

"Whatever it is, I can wait until I'm inside. No difference." I said, picking it up and opening the door.

Zach shook his head at me playfully, and lifted me up over his shoulder.

"What are you - AH, OH MY GOD, ZACH, PUT ME DOWN."

Edward met us halfway up the stairs, laughing at my situation.

"NOT FUNNY." I yelled as Zach continuted up. "If I didn't love you, I would KILL YOU right now, Zach!"

When we reached my room, he threw me on the bed and jumped on after me. "Alright! What is it?"

"Oh, okay, it says my name on it, and you want to see what it is more than I do. Would you like to open it?"

He raised an eyebrow.

"FINE, okay, I'll do it."

I ran a fingernail between the flaps, breaking the tape, and pulled the peices aside.

"Very cool." Zach said. "Foam peanuts."

I sighed, pulling back the peanuts. "What the...?"

Zach started gagging, and had to get out of the room as it moved. I was almost mesmerized, the smell of it making my head spin in the first place, and yet completely mortified.

It was a human heart. Fresh, and barely moving.

"Clara, my love," the note inside, covered with blood, read. "Don't be fooled by the one you have now; I know what can make your dead heart beat."

I felt like throwing up.

"Love eternally, Alec."

Everything was a blur for a while after that. Edward racing up to my room, disposing of the thing, Carlisle trying to calm me down, Zach having to go home, apologizing profusely; it all kind of melded together. All I could think of was that someone had died that night so that I could have some demented form of gift.

FOR TWO WEEKS, nothing else happened. No unusual occurences; the glass is forever jammed in my hand, and though it hurts, shouldn't cause too many problems. Zach and I were finally happy, and Annora and Ryan... Well, we didn't bother them to much, to their utter disbelief.

But, as usual, nothing could stay good forever.

Meet exhibit A: The Bridesmaid Dress. Except imagine it in a nice... RED.


"You look gorgeous!" Alice squealed, hugging me.

I frowned. "Alice, dear, um, what color is my hair?"

"Red...?"

"Right, and what color is this dress?"

"Red."

"Uh-huh. And what color is my skin?"

"White?"

"EXACTLY. I LOOK LIKE I'M ON FIRE."

Alice laughed, and I could see Zach leaning up against the wall, fighting back laughter of his own. "No, you don't!"

"Yes. I do. I'm all RED."

...But you know Alice (and if you don't, go back and read all previous posts). So I'm stuck here, sitting in my chair, ranting on my laptop in my hellbent dress, waiting for Annora to get home and dressed up.

...All in all, it's been pretty okay as far as life goes around here.

I'm just kind of scared for the whole heart thing.

Not-so-invincible anymore,
Clara

ATTENCION.

CLARA WILL BE BACK IN DECEMBER!

Sorry, and Ha!
A long post will be forthcoming, I swear!

Happy Birthday to You...

I’m going to be disowned, and I’ll deserve so much worse than that if they ever know the whole story. Oh, God, help me.

And today? Today’s my birthday.
My eightieth, in the real sense. As for my cover? I’m seventeen.

Five days ago, I was as close to okay as I was bound to get.

Wednesday didn’t start out any differently from any other day. It was basically just school without talking to anyone (including Zach, who’s actually able to get colds, I found out), and going home with Edward.
But it wasn’t like before.
Whereas Edward usually talks, or makes ME talk, he was completely quiet and ignored all of my dumb attempts at conversation. He didn’t look happy at all, and to tell the truth, if I was him and my girlfriend was constantly in danger from both clumsiness and/or vampiric death, I wouldn’t be happy to pick up my sister either. But when I brought that up, trying to get him to admit he was worrying, he just frowned deeply and shook his head, looking at me intensely with steely eyes.

You think I would’ve guessed that something going on, concerning me. But no. I’m not that bright.

For the rest of the week, Edward was always around me, refusing to talk and seeming furious, looking like more like an angry god than an angel. I caught him near me constantly, even in the middle of the night, when he’d come in, claiming to be looking for something, giving me a hateful look while he “searched.”

Finally, last night, I just locked him out of my room, end of story.

He was mad, and he made me promise to come down every two point five hours or he’d break the door in, but really, whatever got him off of my back was perfect for me.

And five minutes after I was perfectly sure that he was gone, I was back to listening to my music, finishing up an end-of-semester report for Zoology. I hated the class, because I was learning about all of my food and really had no intention of working with animals in the future.

It was like learning that your applesauce can actually cry for it’s counterparts or develop AIDS.

But then again, Annora had talked me into taking it, just because she was hoping that maybe it would increase my want to get off of a blood-diet, which unfortunately, is not going to happen anytime ever, and I wasn’t in a mood to disagree with her.

As I worked, I heard timy taps, like branches rubbing against my window. But seeing as how there were no trees around, it was obviously my favorite person in the world, coming to see me in the middle of the night, when he was supposed to be sleeping.

The sound would’ve gotten to Edward, who might as well have been sitting outside of my door, so I opened the window.

“Shhs, Zach! Two seconds!”

I got no response, but I reclosed the window just in time to hear Edward. “Clara, what’s going on?”

I groaned dramatically, and lied, since he was so exhausted and wasn’t trying to listen in on my thoughts. “I was figiting. But lighten up, Ed. Just because I’m playing pick-up with my pencils doesn’t mean someone’s coming to eat me.” I smiled. Zach was about the closest thing to dangerous I had at the moment, and though he probably actually could eat me, I kind of doubted it.

“Whatever. Just be careful.”

“I’m in my ROOM, with locked EVERYTHING.”

“Still... Just do it.”

I heard him sigh and leave, then went over to the window and reopened it. “Okay, you’re clear. But are you retarded?! Edward could hear that!” I whispered.

I heard him chuckle, and I smiled, going back to my paper.

I heard him climb through the window, and I started saving the document and printing a copy out. “Okay, so what are you doing in the middle of the...”

I turned around to face him, and my breath caught.

“Hey, Clarabelle.” Tender eyes looked at me forlornly, the whispering voice coming from pink lips seeming almost playful. “Happy Birthday.”

I stared at him for a minute, and then tried to throw up.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Clara. She believed that love could save her, and that the most innocent and pure love could be found in youth, which, don’t get her wrong, can. But with youth also comes stupidity, and with stupidity comes no space for big mistakes.
And unfortunately enough, Clara made a big mistake: She fell in love with the perfect guy.

All of the sudden, I was close to hyperventilating, and I didn’t even really have to breathe.

He stood there and smiled at me. “I’m not here to hurt you.”

I stared at him with wide eyes that wouldn’t seem to close. “You’re not here. You... You can’t be.”

“Okay, or maybe I am, if this is how you really feel towards me. So let me rephrase: I’m not here to purposely hurt you.” He said, sighing.

Nicholas was charming, sweet, and loved her unconditionally, and soon enough, in the last year of high school, he proposed. She, being the idiot that she was, said yes, and the date was set: December 18, 1944 --- Just under a month after she would turn seventeen. He, himself, was eighteen and a loner kid who had been overlooked by so many eyes who were looking for a “good” husband. That’s not to say that he wasn’t beautiful, though. With light grey eyes and hair so dark brown that it looked indescernable from the darkest black.

I couldn’t have gotten out of the office chair had I tried. All of my super vampiriky strength had completely left me.

But not in the literal sense. Oh, no. This guy could do more than that, and I knew it.

“So,” he said, still smiling softly, sitting down on my couch. “Who’s Zach?”

“You have to leave...” I whispered. “You... You’re not supposed to... I can’t... I’m...”

“Dead.” He sighed. “I know.”

But two months before the wedding, Clara disappeared without a note, sign, or any evidence at all. Alerts were issued and the police were called in, but finding nothing, called off soon. The boy was destitute and heartbroken, not eating or seeing anyone until they could find her.

They never did.

My breathing came in ragged gasps, like I was grasping for something normal and human to hold on to while this was happening. It was a dream; a nightmare that I’d lived over and over for years on end.

“How?” I choked out. “How did this happen? Why are you still...” It dawned on me, and I wretched again. “No. Oh, no. You’re not, and this can’t be!”

He took a shuddering breath, and I could almost taste his pain. It wasn’t anything that was physically killing him, but the emotional feel for the situation he’d just thrown himself in was insane. It was like suicide.

But, seeing as how he’d changed, pun intended, he wouldn’t be killed that easily.

“I knew what happened to you, but I wasn’t just going to walk up to you and say ‘hey, Clare, it’s still me, and it can still be like old times.’ You were beautiful and you were something that scared me even more than my own immortality.”

The memorial grew grey and cold, and was set to rest with a pointless headstone. Clara was the ghost who haunted every hall with her memory and who’s story inspired hundreds to not go out at night. She was a nightmare for everyone. And just outside Denali National Park, the one girl who she haunted consistantly, every waking moment of every waking day, lived.

I stood up, shaky still. “I can’t do this.” I gasped. “I need... I need Edward.”

The sad smile left his face in place of a lonely, knowing look as he nodded his consent. He’d never been one to run away.

“That’s okay, Clara. I understand. Just...” He hesitated, and I felt like I was going to explode. “Just remember, okay?” The sad smile was back, and if I wasn’t completely freaked out about seeing the eternally preserved eighteen-year-old in my room, I would’ve started crying and...

I don’t even want to think about it.

“So is this what your ability is?” I accused him. “Convincing people to see things how you did? Because we already have a person who can do that, and I don’t need any more of it.”

He frowned. “Abilities?”

A sob escaped, the tears dried up before I’d ever wanted to cry them, and his face grew dim.

“Clara...” He looked like he was fighting something, and then he came to where I now sat in a pile on the floor on my knees, and wrapped his arms around me. “Clara... Shhh... It’s okay swe-.... It’s... It’ll be okay. I’m so sorry....” he whispered.

It killed me for him to be doing this. Cold skin againist cold skin created something strange, and a feeling of uttermost misplacement. I was supposed to be warm; he was supposed to be warm. And by now, we were supposed to...

NO!

I pulled away. “I don’t... I can’t.”

He gave me a sideways smile. “I knew and know.”

“But... I need you to explain to me. I need you to tell me what happened and what’s going to happen. Where and how and why and what and everything that I couldn’t know because of a single bullet.” I was talking fast, and without really thinking, but he knew what I meant.

“I will.”

I looked at him, a feeling of dread and absolute terror spreading through me. “You promise me the truth?”

He nodded. “I promise you everything, as long as you swear to remember.”

I shook my head. “I can’t, Nicholas. I really can’t, as much as I’d lo... I’d like to.”

He ran a hand over his face, immune to blemish and perfect to the eye, and looked up at me gently. “Okay, Clare. But just... Try to.”

He helped me up, and opened the door to the hallway. I stood where I was, watching him carefully.

“Come on,” He coaxed. “The rest of the family probably knows already.”

I shuddered. I was dead. So, so, dead. And Nick? He was wrong. Incredibly wrong.

Because Edward hadn’t really suspected anything.

“SURPRISE!” Eight voices who happened to be holding a huge cake screamed at Nick as he stood in the doorway to the living room, stunned.

It took less than a second.

“Who the hell?!”

“CLARA!”

“What’s going on?!”

“There’s another one of you?!”

“Oh, no, not again...”

“I KNEW IT!”

There was a pause, and then: “Nice to see you again, Nicholas.” The room fell silent as Edward held Nick’s eyes. “It’s been a long time.”

He smiled. “Yeah, and now I’m back. And just like you guys. No harm, no foul, ri-...”

“HELL NO.” Emmett roared.

Edward smiled grimly. “He’s right.”

“BOTH OF YOU, STOP.” I yelled. “I’m so SICK of this happening every time someone comes over. We’re supposed to TRUST one another, remember?!”

Zach looked sick from across the table, where a box sat, wrapped in mangled paper. “What the hell, Clara?” He asked slowly. “Why?”

“Zach...” He shook his head and left without hesitating, his hurt worse than my own.

I swore loudly, and heard Emmett snort. “Do you even SEE this?! This isn’t family – This isn’t anything LIKE that!”

Annora looked on the whole sight pretty well, considering she didn’t know anything about what had happened. She hadn’t even been alive when the whole lot of us had gone to school together. Emmett looked completely disgusted, even though he was looking straight into his best friend’s eyes, and even Jasper, who hadn’t been involved with any outside relationships was burning in hate. Alice and Rosalie looked mildy irritated, but I knew and felt so much more.

“Nice, Clara.” Ryan commented, his arm around Annora.

I swallowed hard and swore again before going back upstairs. That had been it. I couldn’t take any more at all.

I locked my door and went into my closet and locked that one.

In one night, I’d manged to get older, reminisce, be completely afraid, love, chase away my best friend, and internally implode.

And among the snow and ice, she couldn’t forget who she really was, but she tried as hard as she possibly could. Nothing good could come of remembering.

Remembering love was one of those promises that I didn't want to go through again.

“Happy Birthday, Dear Clara...”