Taking the Good With the Bad... And the Potentially Awkward.

In the newspaper, there's a headlining article about Ryan.
Because when lost boys turn up dead, it's usually a big story for the press.
But I...
I just don't know.
And I don't mean this in a "well, he's a jerkfaced liar" way, but...
I don't know if that's really him.
Because if so, the Volturri would be here, right?
And they would've disposed of the body and all who'd seen it.
And it most likely would've been them that killed him in the first place.
But still, there's a body.

I'm probably over-analyzing this.
And really, Ann, I'm so sorry. You know that.

---
Cutting that subject. See the line? That would be the cut, kaythankyouverymuch.

Zach came over again tonight, and he's actually up in my room, asleep again (Humans sleep so much! Even the half-human ones!), but I'm not up there.
Because we kind of had this really long, hugely awkward talk tonight, starting with the words "Okay, I know this isn't a great time for this..."

Which, you know, should've told me instantly what I was getting myself into.

"...But I really think we need to talk."
Suuuuure.
The only thing is, that talk was way more important than I thought. The summary of the whole thing:

Zach doesn't think we're friends anymore.
Oh, no. He think's we're more than that.

But I don't know what to tell him, because I haven't really thought of it in that way. It's so weird, having a best friend who comes all out and tells you he's in love with you.
Of course, it doesn't help if when the devoter expresses this, the devotee laughs until she can't breathe.

So he's kind of embarassed about it, add it's my fault, but that would be why I don't really date.

Let me just LIST the reasons, shall I?
I. I'm dead.
II. You'd think that people would notice I'm dead when they try to hold my hand and it's rock solid and cold.
III. Living rocks DO NOT make good people to cuddle up to.
IV. A long story involving a guy who I was engaged to 79 years ago.
V. My family tends to put anything with any kind of heartstring connection to them in major danger.

That would be only five. Trust me, there's SO much more.

-Clara

Ps - YEAH, I know, okay? Not a long post. But still, ya know?

Telling the Truth, for Once.

This morning, when Zach woke up and got changed into some of Emmett's clothes (he looks adorable in them --- They don't fit him too well, and it makes him look like a kid), and after Annora came in and jumped on me in a huge hug, Zach called me over from my place at the desk, and made room on the bed next to him for me to lay down.

"I want to know everything about you." he informed me, looking up at the ceiling like I was.
"Why?" I moaned. "I'm really not that interesting, I swear."
He kind of smiled, and slipped back into serious mode. "No, but seriously, Clara, I really do. I want to know your entire story, start to finish - not the edited version you're giving everyone else, too."
I had to look over at him for a minute, gaping. "What?"
"You're a pretty good liar for having a brother with mind-reading superpowers."
I frowned. "First of all, they aren't superpowers. If Edward hears you call them that, it will all go to his already-inflated head and he'll start thinking he's God or something. Secondly, I'm not lying, and how would you know anyways?"

He smiled slyly. "I do talk to your family, you know."

I groaned. "Why would you ever do something like that?"
He shrugged. "You're avoiding the story, Clare."
"Maybe I don't want to talk about it."
He looked at me. I just kept looking at the ceiling, unsmiling. He'd hit a sensitive spot, and he knew it.

"Sorry."

I didn't move for a minute, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw him turn back to looking at the ceiling.

I took a deep breath.
"Once upon a time, I was normal. Well, at least as normal as far as being human goes. I was raised in New York, where I was extremetly well-known, somewhat what Rosalie was for her time, but my popularity was just because I was too adventurous, always got in trouble, and was the daughter of a up-and-coming movie star father who loved and adored me. It was kind of strange, though, because I was sensitive to other people, and when anyone had a problem, they were always coming to me to talk about it, no matter who they were, even though I was spoiled rotten, practically.
Three days after I turned sixteen, my father had a heart attack and died."
I paused, catching my breath. Zach reached over and wrapped his hand around mine.
"When my dad died, I started believing in ghost stories and things that could happen to someone when you thought they were dead, including... Vampires." Zach winced.
"I'd never really thought anything like them had existed, but I absolutely refused to think my father had actually died so suddenly. I blamed the vampires, I blamed the Devil, I blamed ghosts... I blamed about anything that I knew nothing about.
"I became even more adventurous than ususal, going to the darker parts of town, down allies where people regularly got killed... Basically anywhere I thought any of my creatures could've been hiding."
"A two weeks before I turned seventeen, I met a vampire. Finally. He was beautiful, with reddish hair and pale skin, with copper eyes that were ever-so-slightly tinged with red." I smiled, remembering.
Zach shuddered. "You met Edward."
"Yeah, I did. But when I saw him, instead of feeling all the rage that had been building up inside of me, I could literally almost feel his pain. He looked so exhausted and upset.
"So we talked for a long time, day after day, and eventually, I told him my story.
"'I truly am sorry,' he had said, looking wistful, 'but I still don't understand what I have to do with this. If I could help, I would.'
"'Change me into what you are,' I told him. 'I want to live forever and not cause anyone pain at all.'
"Well, that went over slightly different than I'd pictured it. Edward became furious, and told me that only in dire and needy situations was anyone even going to be considered to be changed. The pain, the life... He'd described it all to me in perfect detail, but I still couldn't see the problem. I'd just become like him and eat deer or lions or any other animals. Dogs, even if..."
I winced. Zach smiled dryly.
"Sorry. But back then, I wouldn't have thought twice about it."
"He changed you, didn't he?" Zach said, looking sick.
"No... Actually, he didn't. He was far too gallant, and seeing as how you've seen inside Jacob's twisted mind, you realize that he still is."
Zach looked grim.
"Anyway, I happened to take those words to heart. Becoming a vampire became somewhat of an obsession, like getting into an exclusive club. Edward became constantly angry at me, trying to get the stupid idea out of my head, but I was already too far gone."
I looked over at Zach, who's chocolate eyes were staring at me apologetically. It was so strange for me to be just telling my story like this.
"The next week, I was waiting down the alley for Edward when it all happened. We were arguing, as usual, when some assinine idiot New Yorker decided to pull a major drive-by."
I sighed. "And that's where the bullet came from." I poked right under my throat, close to my collarbone. "It's still there."
Zach turned over, leaning up on his elbow, looking almost angry. "And you still stick to the fact that Edward didn't do it?"
I nodded slowly. "Later, Edward told me that Carlisle had finally wrangled him in on the vegan plan, and he decided to let me believe that he'd never existed." I smiled ruefully. "Bella's whole exit plan was based on previous experience, except that he didn't count on someone else changing me.
"When I moved from Alaska to Forks, I had to face Edward for the first time in a long time. He remembered me, and we agreed that the best way to not bring the subject of me being changed up was to fake it." I shrugged. "And that's that."
Zach still looked angry. "He could've stopped it."
I froze. "What?"
"He could've stopped the bullet, had he been there."
I sat up. "You don't know what you're talking about."
He shook his head. "He could've taken the bullet for you and lived."
"Just like I could've saved my family by diving in-between the cars? Jesus, Zach!"

Zach's face dropped, and I closed my eyes.

"Sorry." He said, moving closer to me after a minute. "I'm just a little freaked right now. I can't picture you lying on the street, dying, and Edward not being there to help, even though you'd trusted him with your life every single day for those weeks."
I kind of laughed, pressure building up inside of me again, and leaned into his arms. He hugged me. "You've been through hell, Clare."
"Yeah, but then again, who hasn't in this family?"
He kissed my forehead, and we just kind of laid there for a while before Zach had to go to work and check in down at La Push.

The family's been high on terror alerts. We're so afraid that the purple-eyed freaks are coming back for Annora, and that Alice won't be able to see it.

Edward came in a few minutes ago, though, and sat down on my bed, where I had my music blasting. He muted it, and smiled a little.
"I really am sorry for not being there." he admitted.

Anyways, I think I may run down to the store to get some more ice cream for Annora. I need to get out again, just to get some air.

I'm way too unsafe. Ha, ha.

-Clara

In and Out? Or Out and In?

I can't breathe. I can't talk, I can't see straight, I can't function.

I spent the last week in Boston, because I thought that would help me get over this weird feeling I've had for a while, and you know what, I was right. It's gone.

But it's been replaced with total and complete pain.

My brother, the one who loved me unconditionally, was killed, along with his daughter, her husband, and their child in a wreck the second day I was there. In fact, I was at the intersection it happened in, when it happened. But I was too late. I wasn't paying attention, just trying to act like a normal human, and in that moment all of my remaining family was hit by an oncoming semi.

Why does this happen?! I know there may be no God for me, but they were the nicest people I could ever imagine living with.

I could've saved them! I could've jumped in-between the two vehicles and prevented this whole thing!

I'm a monster in more ways than one.

I stayed for their funerals, too. It was awkward, getting strange looks from people who had no clue who I was, but probably grew up with me.

"We come here today to witness the passing of Cole, Brian, Alecia, and Cody Laylan, all of who perished in an untimely death two days ago..."

Horrible. Nothing amounts to that.

I got off the plane and picked up my car, my yellow hybrid of something that Edward had gotten me when I moved from Alaska, and went to the beach for a while. Alice was most likely going to freak out, not being able to see me, and Edward would be a tad pissed, but that didn't matter. They weren't my family; I had none of that.

It was like any remaining humanity I had vanished with them.

When I finally got home, it was late, and Edward sat stoically on the porch, warily reading my face.
"Clara...?"
I shook my head, and he nodded, his expression not changing, and vanished inside, leaving me standing on the porch, my arms folded against my body.
Less than a minute later, I could hear protesting inside the house as a figure sauntered out of the house and watched me for a minute, before coming over to me and wrapping me in a hug.

I started crying, choked, tearless cries, my head buired in Zach's jacket as he whispered condolences in my hair.

For a werewolf, he was good at being incredibly human sometimes.

Inside, everyone had gone to doing their own thing, Zach carrying me up to my room. He sat me down on my bed, and just let me cry for a while, putting his jacket over me. When I finally calmed down, I pulled my knees up to my chest and let him tell me about Annora and Ryan, and everything that had gone on while I was gone. Alice hadn't, obviously, seen me coming back like this, so a party had been planned. He filled me in on what'd gone on over at La Push, and this fight Jacob had gotten into with Embry, who didn't see any problem with Zach and I being friends.

Zach ended up falling asleep in my bed, and that's where he still is.

It's strange to hear someone snoring, for once.

-Clara.

Wahk your dahg for uh quahter?

I think I might go to Boston, and stop in on my brother and his kids. I've been thinking about it, and it seems really nice to get away sometime in the near future, especailly since I'm all healed up and quicky losing my sanity anyways. Of course, Edward, etc., have all said that it wouldn't be safe --- But didn't we *just* finish everything we had to be truly afraid of off?

Yeah, so... I've been doing a lot of thinking, apparently.

Oh, and sorry about not posting sooner. It's just been a long time since I've HAD time to sit down and do this.

Anywho, Alice decided on the dresses the other day for "her lovely little rose-cheeked bridesmaids," but she won't tell us what they look like.
Obviously, we'll hate them, and possibly burn them after the ceremony as kind of an after party.

You know, I didn't think vampires could go through post-mortem depression; (After death depression, FYI). I didn't know ANYONE could actually. But it's like some inside hurt has come up and kind of swallowed me: I don't remember going to school or doing homework, I don't remember Zach coming over to hang out for a while, or even exactly what I pretended to eat for lunch. It's so freaking weird.

And the funny thing is, I don't know what I'm depressed about. I have nothing *to* be depressed about.

Today, Zach ws going to take me home, since I was wanting a little me time while Edward took Annora back to the humble abode, but as I sat in the bleachers, watching the cheerleaders, he showed up and told me that if I was going to mope, he wasn't going to let me do it in front of a bunch of jocks.
So we went to the First LaPush beach, and hung out for a while. It was actually pretty nice.

Edward came in not long after I got home, bursting in the door and doing his whole little 'ooh, I'm a vampire and I'm going to give you the vampire glare' look, crossed arms and all. I wasn't in the mood, and told him so, but he just sighed, and, to my amazement, lost the look and sat down on the bed.
"Look, I know that I'm not the best fake brother that you've ever lived with for 70-something years, but here's the deal: You can't do this whole sad thing."
I kind of gaped at him. "Sorry... What?"
"Zach talked to me for a while, and told me that you've been unusually down. I haven't actually noticed since this whole Volturri thing's been going on, but I swear to you, I haven't forgotten you or anything."
I had to laugh. "You know it's not your fault."
He frowned. "You're right -- I don't know whose fault it is; you're not thinking anything in particular that could've caused it. You're just... Sad."
And then he did the best thing he could've: He leaned over and gave me a huge hug.

Ugh, it's been too long of a day.

...It feels like THURSDAY.
And really, I'm not just saying that for want of the weekend.
SO WHY ISN'T IT?!

-Clara

Ps- Sorry for the shortness. I'm exhausted... Ha, ha.

Okay, Fine, Here He Is.

So I figured, for Annora's sake, I'd do a whole post on Zach.
Because besides Bella, none of us have ever had a werewolf friend.

SO.

This is Zach, in a picture I took at school the other day. He was pretending like he didn't like it, the little faker.



He's, obviously, part human, part wolf, which really bugs most of the family (I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND. HE SAVED MY LIFE.), and he's a very human eighteen-years-old, so I don't actually get to see him a lot around school (only at lunch and gym).
If you haven't noticed, he's also not very Quiluette-looking.
That's because he's only one sixteenth wolf-boy gene'd.

Let's seeee... More about Zach...

Oh, he's very into sports, and plays back-up quarterback in football and is one of the most amazing players ever to play baseball for Forks High.
I, on the other hand, refuse to play sports and sure as anything don't play in the sun. Biiiig no-no.

When he was eight, Zach's parents left him to his aunt, an old Quilluette elder's widow. He "turned" three months ago, and actually doesn't mind vampires...
Like, we smell fine to him.
Which is a good thing, since I was kind of worrying that he would think I had bad BO or something.

Anyways, I'm only allowed a certain time slot on the laptop. It was Jasper's idea, but of course Edward instantly jumped on the bandwagon.

Famous Edwardian Last Words: "Lighten up, Clara. It's for your own good."

Ha, ha.

Double Whammy.

So the other night, Annora brought home Ryan.
That was a crazy family ordeal.
She couldn't even walk or stand any closer than two feet from him, which, though I'm worried he may be more than he seems, is still a little harsh.

Anyways, today was going completely smoothly, when b-a-double-m, the doorbell rang. And as totally not ominous as that may seem, it was who was at the door that got me both grounded from close proximity to the beaches and (in the process of still being) heavily lectured from Edward.

Picture this. No lie, this is how it played out.

*doorbell rings*
Emmett: Who the hell? I thought Bella was here.
Bella: ...She is.
Emmett: Tanya's coming down next week, so this can't be that clan of freaks...
*doorbell rings again; the whole family parades downstairs except Ryan (family?), Annora, and I.*
Jasper: Does anyone actually plan on *opening* the door?
*silence.*
Edward: ...And you didn't see who this was, Alice?
Alice: Nope! But don't go all paranoid or anything. It could be Angela, trying to find Bella.
Edward: I have a sneaking suspicion it isn't for Bella at all.
*Edward opens the door, I rip off my headphones from upstairs*
Me: OH, NO.
Edward: CLARA.
Zach: Was this a really bad time?

YES. YESYESYES. YES, IT WAS.

Urgh.
Suck.

Now Edward's in here, trying to get me to explain exactly why in the whole freaking world I chose a werewolf, while I'm still trying to yell back that he's NOT MY BOYFRIEND, and I AM NOT turning into a Bella/Jacob remake.

Jerk.

Emmett just laughed at Edward a lot after Zach left, five minutes after he got to the door. Carlisle explained that I was busy, and that I'd call him after I got done doing whatever I was doing, while Rosalie tried to find a subtle way to slam the door in his face.

Thank you spank you, all my glorious family.

Anyways, I've been thinking about visiting my brother again, and seeing his grandkids; my great nephew and neice. I know it would only suck for me, seeing as how he, thinking I'm dead, has a daughter AND a neice (it's been passed on) with my same name.

But still. It may be nice to just get away from it all for a while. In fact, I'll probably head down there on Wednesday, just so I don't have to see Tanya and the crew of whore-pires again. They freak me out the way they all band together over nothing, yet get in these retarded fights about anything.

Personally, I think that, though they're "family", we shouldn't know them. I hate them.

...Something tells me the leaves would look really nice up in Boston about now, too. All I need is one of those Volturri hoods...

-Clara.