Talk to Me.

Hi, everyone who's ever read this blog. It's been a crazy month, with a crazy-long recap to go along with it, unfortunately for my fingers.

SO, just in case you're not much of a reader, or want to make sure I'm sticking to my word about talking about "the incident" that happened LAST time I posted, here's a list of the bigger, more robust points of this month:

• I'm typing this in my hideous bridesmaid's dress.
• Zach and I are on some very special speaking terms.
• I chose between letting Nicholas stay or making him go.
• I have a creep stalker who should hate me, but loves me.
• Several strange situations. (nothing new here...)
• I have two very pretty new 'accessories.'
• I've finally unwrapped my gifts.

Get excited, people.

And, alright, I know that for some of those, I was more than vague. But do you really expect to get a story out of me in less than a hundred bullets? I don't think so.

Anyway, wow, it's been a while. I actually had to check to see where I'd left off; what I'd done last. Kind of shocking, moving on...

Nick was at my house, following me around, etc., and everyone got reaquainted with him (ex-fiancees are never something anyone wants to mess around with, especially if both of you happen to be dead) and Zach was both sick and hating me for having him show up, like it was under any of MY control, at my eighty-first birthday party.

That night, I sat out on the porch swing and hoped he would come back.

The next four nights, I sat out on the porch swing and hoped he would come back.

On the sixth night, Edward came outside, sitting with me silently. He watched the stars, like he was actually out there for that sole purpose, rocking back and forth. Eventually, he sighed (dramatic, really, since we don't need to).

"Look, I know you'll choose the right things to do, and I understand that you're hurting and everything-"

"You are too."

He winced. "Yeah. One word - purple. But I just wanted to give you this."

He pulled a gift-wrapped box from beside him and handed it to me. I smiled at him, and looked guilty. He'd tried to bring a little life and happiness back, and it had totally gotten out of control. "Thanks, Ed."

"Happy late Birthday," He said, smiling, and then left without waiting for me to open it.

So when I did, I was left alone to cry.

In the package lay a picture of my family - every one of them - with a note written not in Edward's handwriting, but in my own blood-related brother's.

"Dear Clara,
Today, the entire community attended the memorium for a girl who died long ago, in a big town with a big reputation for those kind of things. Her name and the way people talked about her resembled very much my sister, but I know in my heart that my sister isn't dead.
Clara, I've lived years and years, hoping that maybe you're looking in on me, watching me and my grandchildren, my children, all going on about our lives, while though you're not here, your own life is going on somewhere else. I don't believe you to be dead in any sense; you're not the kind to get kidnapped and murdered.
I'm getting very old, and I know that you will know the names and faces of both yours and mine family, but in case something ever happens to me, or if when I die, you are somehow forgotten by them, I want you to have this picture - it's the rest of your heart all on a sheet of expensive parchment for you to keep eternally.
You will forever be my angel, dead or alive. You're my only sister, and I love you always.
Happy birthdays, Merry Christmases, and many, many apologies for not being there when you may need me.
I hope that Edward, the Earth-Angel you talked constantly about, is with you somewhere, making sure that you're safe.
Your Brother,
Cole Laylan"

The five members of my forever-lost family laughed up at me like nothing could ever be wrong in the world. Only Cole, knowing exactly what he was going to do with his copy of the picture, looked slightly serious; secure and wondering.

I didn't let go of the photo or the letter all night.

The next morning, I went up to Edward's room (after making sure Bella wasn't there - I don't know what it is about her, but it hurts so much to even TALK around her - and it's not my hurt). Knocking on the door three times, I heard a quiet 'come in'.

"Thank you."

He smiled. "I was actually worried you'd hate me for getting you that. It was at Cole's house, and I wanted to see if he'd left anything for you before he passed on so that no one else would think you were... ah... in the ground, per say, and throw it away."

"I couldn't be mad if I tried. This is too amazing of a gift, Edward. you don't know how much this means to me." I whispered.

"It's still not what you need, though."

I looked up at him in alarm.

"Go find Zach, Clara. Don't throw yourself through hell and try and keep it from everyone. I don't need to see inside your head to know that you love him."

I was horrified. "Oh, GOD! Why do you have to be the one to say these things!?"

He grinned. "Because I know how it goes. Anyway, try to reason with him. He's hurt more than you are right now, believe it or not, and doesn't understand much at the moment."

"He's being stubborn. He won't talk to me."

"Have you tried? He's a man, Clare, and he loves-"

"STOP USING THAT WORD ABOUT ME."

Edward burst into uproarish laughter. "It's just a word!"

"It hasn't ever... Oh, hell, I don't want to explain this."

I left then, Edward still laughing loud enough to hear from outside.

Alice and Rosalie wished me well (thanks a lot, Alice), and before I was even really thinking, I found myself down in LaPush, face to face with Sam.

"I know that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me, but can I please talk to Zach?"

Sam smiled down at me kindly. I don't think I've ever felt so short in my life. "That would be amazing, but... There's one slight problem; he's not here."

"What?" I was appalled. He'd run away from me, both here and at my home! WUSS, my head screamed, but I knew, for sure, that he had a reason that didn't involve anything having to do with being scared to confront me; my heart knew that one.

"He's not here; he left a couple nights back, looking kind of sleepless, and told us that he'd be back eventually, and not to look for him."

That sounded so familiar, and it didn't take long for me to peice that together with the close-to-exact same thing I'd done after Annora first saw the purple eyes and I was chasing away the pain.

...He went to the forest.

"Thanks, Sam!" I shouted behind me, running towards the woods. The clouds ahead rumbled fiercely, and several small droplets hit my nose, though I was running fast enough to miss most of them. He'd gone where I'd go, I would've bet anything in the world.

The rain started heaviest as I reached the beginning of the forest, looking quickly, smelling for him. I followed his trail to the clearing, and from there, I could see his shadow across the way.

Unfortunately, he could also see mine through the buckets of rain falling from the sky, dousing both of us.

"Go away," He said in a normal, if not more sad than usual, voice. "No one wants you here, Clara."

"Zach, I can explain, because, without trying to be cliche, that really wasn't what it looked like."

"It doesn't matter. You've told me you couldn't think of me any other way than as a friend, but what if, Clara? What if I wanted to be more than your friend?"

I was getting desperate, and the water was bugging me. I'd gotten my leather jacket on before I'd left the house, but the rain couldn't be repelled. "Maybe I wanted you to be more, too! Maybe I was just stupid enough to tell myself love was for the living!"

He sighed. "It doesn't matter," he repeated. "Especially not when you're only saying this to get me out of here." He laughed darkly. "WHY DON'T YOU BE A REL FRIEND FOR ONCE?" He yelled, as if I was actually human enough to not hear him. "LEAVE ME OUT HERE TO FIGURE ALL OF THIS OUT."

"BECAUSE, DAMMIT, I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND." I yelled angrily, instantly regretting it.

There was a minute of silence, the rain pounding on the mud and grass between us.

"You're not my friend." Zach repeated morosely.

"I can't be," I reasoned. "I love you too much."

The shadow lifted his hands up to his head. "Clara..."

"And look, okay?" I said, a desperate plea to my voice. "Nick was my finacee, and I'll admit that, but when he reoffered, I refused. The look on your face assured me that you meant everything you'd ever said to me, and I can't trade that for someone that I may not even know anymore! Nick is still my friend, and he's going to stay in Forks, but I swear, Zach, that's all he is!
"GOD!" I exclaimed at myself, and slid down the base of the tree I was by into the mud, putting my eyes in my sleeves, my fists in my hair.

There was silence, but it was okay. I was done. I'd said what I was there to say, and that was all I could really do.

"Do you really mean that?" Zach said quietly, and I lifted up my face. He was there, jacket, jeans, and all, not looking at me. His eyes were red, matching his cheeks, and his arms were limp at his side.

I'd never seen him look that depressed.

"Yeah, I really do," I said standing up. "And I am so, so sorry for treating you like something disposable."

He smiled weakly. "Maybe you should've. I was pretty cheesey there for a while."

"Months ago. We were both stupid, then?"

He laughed thoughtfully, meeting my eye. "Okay; we were both stupid. But... Can I please ask you something, and if it's too soon, okay, and if I'm being forward or back to the stupid thing, that's fine, but..." He paused, "...Would it be okay if I kissed you?"

I stood up on my toes, every part of me wet and caked in mud, and wrapped my arms around him as he kissed me.

I loved him. Plain and simple. And it had taken a freaking nuclear pitfall to make me realize that.

...Suffice to say, Alice was estatic. Edward was even grinning like an idiot, but really and truly, Alice still stole the cake: "OH, I WANT TO PLAN YOUR WEDDING, TOO, OKAY?"

It scared Zach and I both, but she assured us she really couldn't see that far into the future.

We went up to my room, where we both instantly collapsed on the bed in all of our muddy glory and made love like we were on our honeymoon.

...Just kidding, Edward.

Actually, as we lay there on the bed, both of us staring up at the ceiling like old times, Zach swore and started digging around in his jacket.

"Inconvieniences..." he mumbled, and I propped myself up on my elbow.

"You really don't have to do a self-frisk to come to our house, you know. We have deadlier things than glass bottles over 3 ounces full of liquid."

He shook his head. "No, it's just... FOUND IT!"

He held up the same, small, gift-wrapped box he'd had at the party only a week before. "I'd forgotten about it."

"Me, too, actually. But you really don't have to give me anything, Zach. I've been a personal hellraiser lately, and really, you're the only present I need." I wrapped my arms around him and lay my head on his arm.

He objected. "No, this is your birthday gift and I want you to have it anyway."

I sighed. "Boys."

He laughed. "Vampire girls who can't accept gifts."

With one of his hands holding it, I used my right hand to tear away the paper.

I looked at the velvety box, horrified and scared. "Zach, really, you're only seventeen, and I can't..."

"I'm not giving you an engagement ring." He said calmly, fighting back laughter. "I swear."

"A purity ring? Earrings?"

"No, and no."

I groaned and opened up the box.

I gasped.

Inside lay a gold ring with three oval sapphires mounted in it, framed by two tiny diamonds on each side.

"Oh, wow..."

"It was my mother's," Zach explained hastily. "It seems kind of weird for a gift, but you're there for me more than anyone else I know... Well, except Sam, and I don't think he'd take the idea of a ring very nicely."

I laughed, close to crying. "Zach, this is beautiful, and I... Well, you made so I can't refuse it, and... I'm honored."

"Good." He said, slipping it onto my pinky. "Someone needs to be."

That night was perfect. He fell asleep by my side, and I fell off into some kind of reverie, thinking about everything that had happened in the last week.


Three days later, I came home from school with Carlisle, who had been forced to check me out of a hospital.

"I can't believe this!" I exclaimed, staring at the palm of my hand.

"I can't, either. I've never heard of anything like this before."

Zach sat in the back of the car with me, holding said palm, tracing the edge of a peice of glass that was lodged in my hand. It ran from where my fingers bagan to the point right above my wrist, and though it caused a stinging sensation to move my hand back and forth, it was almost worth it the way Zach kept running his finger over it, onto my fingers, and back again.

"I thought we were indestructable!" I argued with no one.

"I thought so, too." Both Zach and Carlisle supplied. "But getting that thick of a peice of glass stuck that side up in your hand... Something must have happened." Carlisle finished.

"The beaker exploded in the Chem class we were in," I explained again, still hyped. "And one of the peices was coming towards my head, so I stuck my hand up there to block it!"

"Okay, you're right, something happened. But something with the glass or your anatomy or... something." he responded.

"It didn't bleed or anything." Zach noted, not taking his attention off of the shard. "It was just... There."

"Right. And it hurt, and I yelled a horrible cuss word, and I got sent to the hospital where you," I motioned at Carlisle to the rearview mirror, "found me, screaming at them not to look at it."

He smiled. "They thought you just didn't want to be touched."

"That was one of the reasons." I said sourly, leaning up against Zach. "But at least you were working today."

"And at least you had super-humanly strength."

I snorted as the car pulled up to the house, Zach helping me out as if I was really an invalid.

"Hey, what's this?"

There was a package on our porch, with the word "CLARA" written in thick, black sharpie.

"It wasn't me, I swear." Zach said for my sanity.

"Whatever it is, I can wait until I'm inside. No difference." I said, picking it up and opening the door.

Zach shook his head at me playfully, and lifted me up over his shoulder.

"What are you - AH, OH MY GOD, ZACH, PUT ME DOWN."

Edward met us halfway up the stairs, laughing at my situation.

"NOT FUNNY." I yelled as Zach continuted up. "If I didn't love you, I would KILL YOU right now, Zach!"

When we reached my room, he threw me on the bed and jumped on after me. "Alright! What is it?"

"Oh, okay, it says my name on it, and you want to see what it is more than I do. Would you like to open it?"

He raised an eyebrow.

"FINE, okay, I'll do it."

I ran a fingernail between the flaps, breaking the tape, and pulled the peices aside.

"Very cool." Zach said. "Foam peanuts."

I sighed, pulling back the peanuts. "What the...?"

Zach started gagging, and had to get out of the room as it moved. I was almost mesmerized, the smell of it making my head spin in the first place, and yet completely mortified.

It was a human heart. Fresh, and barely moving.

"Clara, my love," the note inside, covered with blood, read. "Don't be fooled by the one you have now; I know what can make your dead heart beat."

I felt like throwing up.

"Love eternally, Alec."

Everything was a blur for a while after that. Edward racing up to my room, disposing of the thing, Carlisle trying to calm me down, Zach having to go home, apologizing profusely; it all kind of melded together. All I could think of was that someone had died that night so that I could have some demented form of gift.

FOR TWO WEEKS, nothing else happened. No unusual occurences; the glass is forever jammed in my hand, and though it hurts, shouldn't cause too many problems. Zach and I were finally happy, and Annora and Ryan... Well, we didn't bother them to much, to their utter disbelief.

But, as usual, nothing could stay good forever.

Meet exhibit A: The Bridesmaid Dress. Except imagine it in a nice... RED.


"You look gorgeous!" Alice squealed, hugging me.

I frowned. "Alice, dear, um, what color is my hair?"

"Red...?"

"Right, and what color is this dress?"

"Red."

"Uh-huh. And what color is my skin?"

"White?"

"EXACTLY. I LOOK LIKE I'M ON FIRE."

Alice laughed, and I could see Zach leaning up against the wall, fighting back laughter of his own. "No, you don't!"

"Yes. I do. I'm all RED."

...But you know Alice (and if you don't, go back and read all previous posts). So I'm stuck here, sitting in my chair, ranting on my laptop in my hellbent dress, waiting for Annora to get home and dressed up.

...All in all, it's been pretty okay as far as life goes around here.

I'm just kind of scared for the whole heart thing.

Not-so-invincible anymore,
Clara

ATTENCION.

CLARA WILL BE BACK IN DECEMBER!

Sorry, and Ha!
A long post will be forthcoming, I swear!

Happy Birthday to You...

I’m going to be disowned, and I’ll deserve so much worse than that if they ever know the whole story. Oh, God, help me.

And today? Today’s my birthday.
My eightieth, in the real sense. As for my cover? I’m seventeen.

Five days ago, I was as close to okay as I was bound to get.

Wednesday didn’t start out any differently from any other day. It was basically just school without talking to anyone (including Zach, who’s actually able to get colds, I found out), and going home with Edward.
But it wasn’t like before.
Whereas Edward usually talks, or makes ME talk, he was completely quiet and ignored all of my dumb attempts at conversation. He didn’t look happy at all, and to tell the truth, if I was him and my girlfriend was constantly in danger from both clumsiness and/or vampiric death, I wouldn’t be happy to pick up my sister either. But when I brought that up, trying to get him to admit he was worrying, he just frowned deeply and shook his head, looking at me intensely with steely eyes.

You think I would’ve guessed that something going on, concerning me. But no. I’m not that bright.

For the rest of the week, Edward was always around me, refusing to talk and seeming furious, looking like more like an angry god than an angel. I caught him near me constantly, even in the middle of the night, when he’d come in, claiming to be looking for something, giving me a hateful look while he “searched.”

Finally, last night, I just locked him out of my room, end of story.

He was mad, and he made me promise to come down every two point five hours or he’d break the door in, but really, whatever got him off of my back was perfect for me.

And five minutes after I was perfectly sure that he was gone, I was back to listening to my music, finishing up an end-of-semester report for Zoology. I hated the class, because I was learning about all of my food and really had no intention of working with animals in the future.

It was like learning that your applesauce can actually cry for it’s counterparts or develop AIDS.

But then again, Annora had talked me into taking it, just because she was hoping that maybe it would increase my want to get off of a blood-diet, which unfortunately, is not going to happen anytime ever, and I wasn’t in a mood to disagree with her.

As I worked, I heard timy taps, like branches rubbing against my window. But seeing as how there were no trees around, it was obviously my favorite person in the world, coming to see me in the middle of the night, when he was supposed to be sleeping.

The sound would’ve gotten to Edward, who might as well have been sitting outside of my door, so I opened the window.

“Shhs, Zach! Two seconds!”

I got no response, but I reclosed the window just in time to hear Edward. “Clara, what’s going on?”

I groaned dramatically, and lied, since he was so exhausted and wasn’t trying to listen in on my thoughts. “I was figiting. But lighten up, Ed. Just because I’m playing pick-up with my pencils doesn’t mean someone’s coming to eat me.” I smiled. Zach was about the closest thing to dangerous I had at the moment, and though he probably actually could eat me, I kind of doubted it.

“Whatever. Just be careful.”

“I’m in my ROOM, with locked EVERYTHING.”

“Still... Just do it.”

I heard him sigh and leave, then went over to the window and reopened it. “Okay, you’re clear. But are you retarded?! Edward could hear that!” I whispered.

I heard him chuckle, and I smiled, going back to my paper.

I heard him climb through the window, and I started saving the document and printing a copy out. “Okay, so what are you doing in the middle of the...”

I turned around to face him, and my breath caught.

“Hey, Clarabelle.” Tender eyes looked at me forlornly, the whispering voice coming from pink lips seeming almost playful. “Happy Birthday.”

I stared at him for a minute, and then tried to throw up.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Clara. She believed that love could save her, and that the most innocent and pure love could be found in youth, which, don’t get her wrong, can. But with youth also comes stupidity, and with stupidity comes no space for big mistakes.
And unfortunately enough, Clara made a big mistake: She fell in love with the perfect guy.

All of the sudden, I was close to hyperventilating, and I didn’t even really have to breathe.

He stood there and smiled at me. “I’m not here to hurt you.”

I stared at him with wide eyes that wouldn’t seem to close. “You’re not here. You... You can’t be.”

“Okay, or maybe I am, if this is how you really feel towards me. So let me rephrase: I’m not here to purposely hurt you.” He said, sighing.

Nicholas was charming, sweet, and loved her unconditionally, and soon enough, in the last year of high school, he proposed. She, being the idiot that she was, said yes, and the date was set: December 18, 1944 --- Just under a month after she would turn seventeen. He, himself, was eighteen and a loner kid who had been overlooked by so many eyes who were looking for a “good” husband. That’s not to say that he wasn’t beautiful, though. With light grey eyes and hair so dark brown that it looked indescernable from the darkest black.

I couldn’t have gotten out of the office chair had I tried. All of my super vampiriky strength had completely left me.

But not in the literal sense. Oh, no. This guy could do more than that, and I knew it.

“So,” he said, still smiling softly, sitting down on my couch. “Who’s Zach?”

“You have to leave...” I whispered. “You... You’re not supposed to... I can’t... I’m...”

“Dead.” He sighed. “I know.”

But two months before the wedding, Clara disappeared without a note, sign, or any evidence at all. Alerts were issued and the police were called in, but finding nothing, called off soon. The boy was destitute and heartbroken, not eating or seeing anyone until they could find her.

They never did.

My breathing came in ragged gasps, like I was grasping for something normal and human to hold on to while this was happening. It was a dream; a nightmare that I’d lived over and over for years on end.

“How?” I choked out. “How did this happen? Why are you still...” It dawned on me, and I wretched again. “No. Oh, no. You’re not, and this can’t be!”

He took a shuddering breath, and I could almost taste his pain. It wasn’t anything that was physically killing him, but the emotional feel for the situation he’d just thrown himself in was insane. It was like suicide.

But, seeing as how he’d changed, pun intended, he wouldn’t be killed that easily.

“I knew what happened to you, but I wasn’t just going to walk up to you and say ‘hey, Clare, it’s still me, and it can still be like old times.’ You were beautiful and you were something that scared me even more than my own immortality.”

The memorial grew grey and cold, and was set to rest with a pointless headstone. Clara was the ghost who haunted every hall with her memory and who’s story inspired hundreds to not go out at night. She was a nightmare for everyone. And just outside Denali National Park, the one girl who she haunted consistantly, every waking moment of every waking day, lived.

I stood up, shaky still. “I can’t do this.” I gasped. “I need... I need Edward.”

The sad smile left his face in place of a lonely, knowing look as he nodded his consent. He’d never been one to run away.

“That’s okay, Clara. I understand. Just...” He hesitated, and I felt like I was going to explode. “Just remember, okay?” The sad smile was back, and if I wasn’t completely freaked out about seeing the eternally preserved eighteen-year-old in my room, I would’ve started crying and...

I don’t even want to think about it.

“So is this what your ability is?” I accused him. “Convincing people to see things how you did? Because we already have a person who can do that, and I don’t need any more of it.”

He frowned. “Abilities?”

A sob escaped, the tears dried up before I’d ever wanted to cry them, and his face grew dim.

“Clara...” He looked like he was fighting something, and then he came to where I now sat in a pile on the floor on my knees, and wrapped his arms around me. “Clara... Shhh... It’s okay swe-.... It’s... It’ll be okay. I’m so sorry....” he whispered.

It killed me for him to be doing this. Cold skin againist cold skin created something strange, and a feeling of uttermost misplacement. I was supposed to be warm; he was supposed to be warm. And by now, we were supposed to...

NO!

I pulled away. “I don’t... I can’t.”

He gave me a sideways smile. “I knew and know.”

“But... I need you to explain to me. I need you to tell me what happened and what’s going to happen. Where and how and why and what and everything that I couldn’t know because of a single bullet.” I was talking fast, and without really thinking, but he knew what I meant.

“I will.”

I looked at him, a feeling of dread and absolute terror spreading through me. “You promise me the truth?”

He nodded. “I promise you everything, as long as you swear to remember.”

I shook my head. “I can’t, Nicholas. I really can’t, as much as I’d lo... I’d like to.”

He ran a hand over his face, immune to blemish and perfect to the eye, and looked up at me gently. “Okay, Clare. But just... Try to.”

He helped me up, and opened the door to the hallway. I stood where I was, watching him carefully.

“Come on,” He coaxed. “The rest of the family probably knows already.”

I shuddered. I was dead. So, so, dead. And Nick? He was wrong. Incredibly wrong.

Because Edward hadn’t really suspected anything.

“SURPRISE!” Eight voices who happened to be holding a huge cake screamed at Nick as he stood in the doorway to the living room, stunned.

It took less than a second.

“Who the hell?!”

“CLARA!”

“What’s going on?!”

“There’s another one of you?!”

“Oh, no, not again...”

“I KNEW IT!”

There was a pause, and then: “Nice to see you again, Nicholas.” The room fell silent as Edward held Nick’s eyes. “It’s been a long time.”

He smiled. “Yeah, and now I’m back. And just like you guys. No harm, no foul, ri-...”

“HELL NO.” Emmett roared.

Edward smiled grimly. “He’s right.”

“BOTH OF YOU, STOP.” I yelled. “I’m so SICK of this happening every time someone comes over. We’re supposed to TRUST one another, remember?!”

Zach looked sick from across the table, where a box sat, wrapped in mangled paper. “What the hell, Clara?” He asked slowly. “Why?”

“Zach...” He shook his head and left without hesitating, his hurt worse than my own.

I swore loudly, and heard Emmett snort. “Do you even SEE this?! This isn’t family – This isn’t anything LIKE that!”

Annora looked on the whole sight pretty well, considering she didn’t know anything about what had happened. She hadn’t even been alive when the whole lot of us had gone to school together. Emmett looked completely disgusted, even though he was looking straight into his best friend’s eyes, and even Jasper, who hadn’t been involved with any outside relationships was burning in hate. Alice and Rosalie looked mildy irritated, but I knew and felt so much more.

“Nice, Clara.” Ryan commented, his arm around Annora.

I swallowed hard and swore again before going back upstairs. That had been it. I couldn’t take any more at all.

I locked my door and went into my closet and locked that one.

In one night, I’d manged to get older, reminisce, be completely afraid, love, chase away my best friend, and internally implode.

And among the snow and ice, she couldn’t forget who she really was, but she tried as hard as she possibly could. Nothing good could come of remembering.

Remembering love was one of those promises that I didn't want to go through again.

“Happy Birthday, Dear Clara...”

Bring It On: The Kicking Butt and Taking Names Edition

"Clara, put him down." Edward sighed, after getting over the initial shock being beat to the punch.

Let me just say, for the record, that I'm not a usually too temperamental person. Sure, I'm headstrong and biting some times, but not too angry.

But earlier, I was furious.
Angry enough to have the supposed-to-be-dead Ryan looking shocked and sickeningly gorgeous, slammed halfway into a tree by his neck, snarling.

"Clara," Ryan choked, "What the hell is your problem?!"

"My problem?" I yelled. "YOU're my problem! You leave and pretend you're DEAD, which is a whole other tree-slamming entirely, making my sister hurt so badly that right now, I don't think death would equal up to that!" I wasn't hysterical; I was fuming

"Clare, as much as Ed and I both think this is extremely cool of you and, of course, how we'd love to do that to him, too, put him down. Annora will have a cow." Jasper said, smiling grimly.

"Annora can have any farm animal she wants as long as I get to kill this asinine idiotic scum of the Earth."

Edward sighed again. He was getting pretty good at that.
"Fine. Just don't kill him and put him down before Annora sees. But while you're hanging there, you mongrel, you might as well tell us a few things."

Ryan frowned. "Like what? You won't believe me no matter what I say."

Zach came over and looked levelly at Ryan from beside me. "That's for us to know and you to assume."

Edward smirked. "First of all, why death and not just a note or something similar? Faking death isn't exactly subtle."

Ryan snorted. "I'm not you."

"Obviously." Edward said, and I could feel him inwardly cringing, though he didn't show it on the outside.

I tightened my hand around Ryan's neck. "Answer the question, and stop being the biggest jerk faced lying as-"
Jasper coughed, and gave me a look.
"Stop being yourself." I amended hotly.

Ryan looked exasperated.
"Look. I didn't mean to hurt her, or you for that matter, Clara, but I wasn't going to just leave her a note saying "oh, hey, sorry, but I have to leave because I've just betrayed you to the same vampires that have practically stalked you forever. Sorry!' And there's no way I was going to just leave and claim that I didn't love her. You should know better than that."

"You picked DEATH over a NOTE?" Jacob asked, looking horrified. "I knew you guys were off your rail, but that's... That's not even a little bit logical!"

"Yeah, well, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing. Besides, I did keep in contact through the LaPush notes."

Zach shook his head. "You're one retarded vampire. I guarantee you, if you ever get the urge to show up in LaPush again, you're going to end up where you pretended to be in the first place."

Ryan turned his sad eyes on me. "Let me go. I know I was completely wrong, and trust me, never again."

I grudgingly released my grip. As Ryan rubbed his neck though, he was slammed up against the tree again, by Edward.

"What about your 'people'?" he hissed.

Ryan coughed some more. "STOP SLAMMING ME AGAINST TREES! And what the heck do you mean? What about 'my people'?!"

"They're going to come at us harder now, because of you!" Edward's voice sounded so... deadly.

Edward dropped Ryan and turned on his heel, while pain exploded in front of my eyes. It was killing him to live on the other side of something so simliar to what he'd done.

I got home before anyone else that night, and went straight to my room and sat in the chair at the desk until Zach came over. He sat down on the couch and smiled at me sadly.

“I’m sorry.”

I glanced over at him. “What?”

“All of this freakish stuff is going on, and I can’t relate or help or even try to be considerate, just because of who I am. I can’t even talk right.”

I laughed. “You sound perfectly fine.”

“Yeah, but the other night, when I told you that I loved you... I don’t think it came out totally right, and I think it scared both of us.”

He looked over at me curiously, where I was frozen.

“I didn’t mean it like... that. Not yet, anyways, but that’s really awkward, so forget I just said that. I meant that I love you like... Like you’re my sister.”

“Are you lying?”

He smiled grimly. “Nope. Unfortunately, I’m stuck with you forever, though.”

My eyes grew wide. “What?!”

“NO! I mean, well, I’ve kind of already imprinted.”

I blinked, and said what I was thinking slowly. “...On me.”

“Right. But since I’m not totally Quiluette, it’s not a big deal. I just can’t leave you without getting worried sick.”

I kind of snorted. “And... Does Jacob know?”

He laughed. “Yeah, seeing as how we kind read eachother’s mind, he knows. And thinks it’s the dumbest thing he’s ever heard of. But still, he’s got no other choice but deal with it.”

“There’s just one problem.” I pointed out helpfully. “I’m not safe with you.”

Zach’s faced dropped. “Oh?”

“Not in the you-can’t-defend me way, since we’re both pretty much able to do that for ourselves, but my family is my backup, and Alice can’t see me when I’m with you...”

“...which would be always.”

“Exactly. She freaks out a little over it.”

He looked undecidedly down at the couch. “I don’t want to put you in any danger. That’s not what I’m supposed to stick around for.”

I had to smile. He thought that I didn’t want to be around him because Alice wouldn’t be able to see me. I walked over to the couch, and sat down in front of him.
“Zach, come on. I thought you knew me a little better than this.”

He looked at me, intrigued.

“Who said I didn’t want to have some fun in the way of danger? Plus, if I get to hang out with my best friend in the process, double bonus for me.”

He smiled and wrapped me in a bear hug. “You’re insane, Clara, and I’m so glad you are.”

So everything's good, and really, I'm glad. Even if the freaky whosit-purple-eyed things come back, I can't say I won't be ready for a good fight.

-Clara

Taking the Good With the Bad... And the Potentially Awkward.

In the newspaper, there's a headlining article about Ryan.
Because when lost boys turn up dead, it's usually a big story for the press.
But I...
I just don't know.
And I don't mean this in a "well, he's a jerkfaced liar" way, but...
I don't know if that's really him.
Because if so, the Volturri would be here, right?
And they would've disposed of the body and all who'd seen it.
And it most likely would've been them that killed him in the first place.
But still, there's a body.

I'm probably over-analyzing this.
And really, Ann, I'm so sorry. You know that.

---
Cutting that subject. See the line? That would be the cut, kaythankyouverymuch.

Zach came over again tonight, and he's actually up in my room, asleep again (Humans sleep so much! Even the half-human ones!), but I'm not up there.
Because we kind of had this really long, hugely awkward talk tonight, starting with the words "Okay, I know this isn't a great time for this..."

Which, you know, should've told me instantly what I was getting myself into.

"...But I really think we need to talk."
Suuuuure.
The only thing is, that talk was way more important than I thought. The summary of the whole thing:

Zach doesn't think we're friends anymore.
Oh, no. He think's we're more than that.

But I don't know what to tell him, because I haven't really thought of it in that way. It's so weird, having a best friend who comes all out and tells you he's in love with you.
Of course, it doesn't help if when the devoter expresses this, the devotee laughs until she can't breathe.

So he's kind of embarassed about it, add it's my fault, but that would be why I don't really date.

Let me just LIST the reasons, shall I?
I. I'm dead.
II. You'd think that people would notice I'm dead when they try to hold my hand and it's rock solid and cold.
III. Living rocks DO NOT make good people to cuddle up to.
IV. A long story involving a guy who I was engaged to 79 years ago.
V. My family tends to put anything with any kind of heartstring connection to them in major danger.

That would be only five. Trust me, there's SO much more.

-Clara

Ps - YEAH, I know, okay? Not a long post. But still, ya know?

Telling the Truth, for Once.

This morning, when Zach woke up and got changed into some of Emmett's clothes (he looks adorable in them --- They don't fit him too well, and it makes him look like a kid), and after Annora came in and jumped on me in a huge hug, Zach called me over from my place at the desk, and made room on the bed next to him for me to lay down.

"I want to know everything about you." he informed me, looking up at the ceiling like I was.
"Why?" I moaned. "I'm really not that interesting, I swear."
He kind of smiled, and slipped back into serious mode. "No, but seriously, Clara, I really do. I want to know your entire story, start to finish - not the edited version you're giving everyone else, too."
I had to look over at him for a minute, gaping. "What?"
"You're a pretty good liar for having a brother with mind-reading superpowers."
I frowned. "First of all, they aren't superpowers. If Edward hears you call them that, it will all go to his already-inflated head and he'll start thinking he's God or something. Secondly, I'm not lying, and how would you know anyways?"

He smiled slyly. "I do talk to your family, you know."

I groaned. "Why would you ever do something like that?"
He shrugged. "You're avoiding the story, Clare."
"Maybe I don't want to talk about it."
He looked at me. I just kept looking at the ceiling, unsmiling. He'd hit a sensitive spot, and he knew it.

"Sorry."

I didn't move for a minute, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw him turn back to looking at the ceiling.

I took a deep breath.
"Once upon a time, I was normal. Well, at least as normal as far as being human goes. I was raised in New York, where I was extremetly well-known, somewhat what Rosalie was for her time, but my popularity was just because I was too adventurous, always got in trouble, and was the daughter of a up-and-coming movie star father who loved and adored me. It was kind of strange, though, because I was sensitive to other people, and when anyone had a problem, they were always coming to me to talk about it, no matter who they were, even though I was spoiled rotten, practically.
Three days after I turned sixteen, my father had a heart attack and died."
I paused, catching my breath. Zach reached over and wrapped his hand around mine.
"When my dad died, I started believing in ghost stories and things that could happen to someone when you thought they were dead, including... Vampires." Zach winced.
"I'd never really thought anything like them had existed, but I absolutely refused to think my father had actually died so suddenly. I blamed the vampires, I blamed the Devil, I blamed ghosts... I blamed about anything that I knew nothing about.
"I became even more adventurous than ususal, going to the darker parts of town, down allies where people regularly got killed... Basically anywhere I thought any of my creatures could've been hiding."
"A two weeks before I turned seventeen, I met a vampire. Finally. He was beautiful, with reddish hair and pale skin, with copper eyes that were ever-so-slightly tinged with red." I smiled, remembering.
Zach shuddered. "You met Edward."
"Yeah, I did. But when I saw him, instead of feeling all the rage that had been building up inside of me, I could literally almost feel his pain. He looked so exhausted and upset.
"So we talked for a long time, day after day, and eventually, I told him my story.
"'I truly am sorry,' he had said, looking wistful, 'but I still don't understand what I have to do with this. If I could help, I would.'
"'Change me into what you are,' I told him. 'I want to live forever and not cause anyone pain at all.'
"Well, that went over slightly different than I'd pictured it. Edward became furious, and told me that only in dire and needy situations was anyone even going to be considered to be changed. The pain, the life... He'd described it all to me in perfect detail, but I still couldn't see the problem. I'd just become like him and eat deer or lions or any other animals. Dogs, even if..."
I winced. Zach smiled dryly.
"Sorry. But back then, I wouldn't have thought twice about it."
"He changed you, didn't he?" Zach said, looking sick.
"No... Actually, he didn't. He was far too gallant, and seeing as how you've seen inside Jacob's twisted mind, you realize that he still is."
Zach looked grim.
"Anyway, I happened to take those words to heart. Becoming a vampire became somewhat of an obsession, like getting into an exclusive club. Edward became constantly angry at me, trying to get the stupid idea out of my head, but I was already too far gone."
I looked over at Zach, who's chocolate eyes were staring at me apologetically. It was so strange for me to be just telling my story like this.
"The next week, I was waiting down the alley for Edward when it all happened. We were arguing, as usual, when some assinine idiot New Yorker decided to pull a major drive-by."
I sighed. "And that's where the bullet came from." I poked right under my throat, close to my collarbone. "It's still there."
Zach turned over, leaning up on his elbow, looking almost angry. "And you still stick to the fact that Edward didn't do it?"
I nodded slowly. "Later, Edward told me that Carlisle had finally wrangled him in on the vegan plan, and he decided to let me believe that he'd never existed." I smiled ruefully. "Bella's whole exit plan was based on previous experience, except that he didn't count on someone else changing me.
"When I moved from Alaska to Forks, I had to face Edward for the first time in a long time. He remembered me, and we agreed that the best way to not bring the subject of me being changed up was to fake it." I shrugged. "And that's that."
Zach still looked angry. "He could've stopped it."
I froze. "What?"
"He could've stopped the bullet, had he been there."
I sat up. "You don't know what you're talking about."
He shook his head. "He could've taken the bullet for you and lived."
"Just like I could've saved my family by diving in-between the cars? Jesus, Zach!"

Zach's face dropped, and I closed my eyes.

"Sorry." He said, moving closer to me after a minute. "I'm just a little freaked right now. I can't picture you lying on the street, dying, and Edward not being there to help, even though you'd trusted him with your life every single day for those weeks."
I kind of laughed, pressure building up inside of me again, and leaned into his arms. He hugged me. "You've been through hell, Clare."
"Yeah, but then again, who hasn't in this family?"
He kissed my forehead, and we just kind of laid there for a while before Zach had to go to work and check in down at La Push.

The family's been high on terror alerts. We're so afraid that the purple-eyed freaks are coming back for Annora, and that Alice won't be able to see it.

Edward came in a few minutes ago, though, and sat down on my bed, where I had my music blasting. He muted it, and smiled a little.
"I really am sorry for not being there." he admitted.

Anyways, I think I may run down to the store to get some more ice cream for Annora. I need to get out again, just to get some air.

I'm way too unsafe. Ha, ha.

-Clara

In and Out? Or Out and In?

I can't breathe. I can't talk, I can't see straight, I can't function.

I spent the last week in Boston, because I thought that would help me get over this weird feeling I've had for a while, and you know what, I was right. It's gone.

But it's been replaced with total and complete pain.

My brother, the one who loved me unconditionally, was killed, along with his daughter, her husband, and their child in a wreck the second day I was there. In fact, I was at the intersection it happened in, when it happened. But I was too late. I wasn't paying attention, just trying to act like a normal human, and in that moment all of my remaining family was hit by an oncoming semi.

Why does this happen?! I know there may be no God for me, but they were the nicest people I could ever imagine living with.

I could've saved them! I could've jumped in-between the two vehicles and prevented this whole thing!

I'm a monster in more ways than one.

I stayed for their funerals, too. It was awkward, getting strange looks from people who had no clue who I was, but probably grew up with me.

"We come here today to witness the passing of Cole, Brian, Alecia, and Cody Laylan, all of who perished in an untimely death two days ago..."

Horrible. Nothing amounts to that.

I got off the plane and picked up my car, my yellow hybrid of something that Edward had gotten me when I moved from Alaska, and went to the beach for a while. Alice was most likely going to freak out, not being able to see me, and Edward would be a tad pissed, but that didn't matter. They weren't my family; I had none of that.

It was like any remaining humanity I had vanished with them.

When I finally got home, it was late, and Edward sat stoically on the porch, warily reading my face.
"Clara...?"
I shook my head, and he nodded, his expression not changing, and vanished inside, leaving me standing on the porch, my arms folded against my body.
Less than a minute later, I could hear protesting inside the house as a figure sauntered out of the house and watched me for a minute, before coming over to me and wrapping me in a hug.

I started crying, choked, tearless cries, my head buired in Zach's jacket as he whispered condolences in my hair.

For a werewolf, he was good at being incredibly human sometimes.

Inside, everyone had gone to doing their own thing, Zach carrying me up to my room. He sat me down on my bed, and just let me cry for a while, putting his jacket over me. When I finally calmed down, I pulled my knees up to my chest and let him tell me about Annora and Ryan, and everything that had gone on while I was gone. Alice hadn't, obviously, seen me coming back like this, so a party had been planned. He filled me in on what'd gone on over at La Push, and this fight Jacob had gotten into with Embry, who didn't see any problem with Zach and I being friends.

Zach ended up falling asleep in my bed, and that's where he still is.

It's strange to hear someone snoring, for once.

-Clara.